by L. B. Dunbar
“I’m not searching anymore. I’m not trying to fill a void that I thought needed to be filled by one girl in particular. I just want…” I couldn’t say it. It seemed too revealing. I just wanted her. I just wanted to be happy.
I hung my head and waited, squeezing Lila’s hands, willing her to know how I felt.
“I didn’t take the pictures on purpose,” she changed the topic. “It was a last minute decision. Stupid and unplanned and the scariest moment of my life.” She continued to tell me what happened with the photography friend and the other man. The chase and the separation. It fit what I already knew from Kaye.
“I know it was our fault,” she breathed, “and if I could take it back I would. If I could bring him back I would.” Her voice broke and tears escaped. I had to stop making her cry.
“It wasn’t your fault, Lila. I know that now. It wasn’t your fault.”
“He’s alive, you know,” she said, shocking me.
My blue eyes scanned hers, wanting to know how she knew. As if she read my mind, she stood and walked to her bag. She pulled out her phone and showed me a picture.
“You took another picture of him?” I asked in disbelief. How could she have done it again?
“I took this, but I didn’t share it.”
“Why didn’t you show me?”
“Because you already knew,” she whispered, dipping her head forward.
We were quiet for a moment.
“How did you know?” I asked softly. The silence in the room was shattered by my strained tone.
“I saw you. You were with Guinie, coming out of the coffee shop down the street. He was there, and I saw him notice you. You looked right at him, but you didn’t see me.” She seemed to add extra emphasis on her and I blinked. How could I have missed her?
“And you didn’t sell the shot?”
“No. I can prove it.” She tapped a few things on her phone and pulled up an image from the opposite angle. In the background of the image was a fuzzy outline of a honey-blonde woman taking a photo with her cell phone. The photographer had memorialized the pain of Arturo while Lila captured it from the other side of him.
I sat back on the floor, releasing her hands. My legs stretched then I brought up my knees as best I could, lazily wrapping my arms around them. It was like I was trying to fold myself into a ball.
Lila stared at me for a moment and then her eyes widened.
“That’s it. I knew I knew him.”
She’d lost me and my expression showed it.
“There was a man today at the hospital. Older gentlemen with two different colored eyes.”
I dropped my hands and my legs sprang downward.
“I followed him to some special floor above the children’s department. I thought it was the psych ward, but I knew I knew him.”
I was too dumbfounded to question that she followed a stranger in a hospital to the psych ward. A man with two colored eyes could only mean one thing to me.
“I couldn’t place him, but he mentioned perhaps it had to do with photography. I thought it was only because of the camera. Obvious connection.”
My heart was beginning to race.
“But I remember now. He came to the apartment days after the accident. He wanted the originals.”
My mouth was dry, but my palms began to sweat.
“He had a strange name. Something old fashion. Milliken? Malcom?”
“Mure Linn,” I swallowed.
Her eyes opened wide. “That’s it.”
I didn’t think I had the words to speak for one full minute.
“He was in the building? This building? Days after the accident?” While we all huddled at Arturo’s, questioning and cursing Mure Linn, he was here under my nose. I needed to start paying better attention, I briefly thought.
“What did he say?”
“Today?”
“He spoke to you? Today?”
“I just said that…about the camera…” she paused. “But he said the strangest thing as I left.”
I waited.
“He said, tell the boys Merry Christmas.” She shrugged her shoulders confused and my heart dropped out of my chest.
I was standing as I dialed, pacing back and forth again in front of Lila as I waited for the phone to be answered.
“Lansing?”
“Kaye, Mure Linn is in New York City. He’s here, that fucker. He’s at Kingston Hospital.”
“I’m on it,” Kaye said and hung up without another word. I continued to hold the phone to my ear, knowing the line was dead and then I slipped it to my forehead. My mind shattered into a hundred thoughts and images. I wanted to kill Mure and hug him. I wanted too many things I knew I wasn’t going to get.
“You need to go,” Lila said softly, and I remembered where I was. In slow motion I took in the unfinished Christmas tree and Lila’s hair that fell forward to veil her face.
“Pardon me?”
“You need to go. To be with them,” she said, looking up slowly.
It dawned on me. She was telling me to leave. It was almost like she was giving me permission.
“I…I feel like I do need to be there. I can’t sit here or continue pacing your floor. I have to do…something,” I emphasized.
Lila only nodded and bit her pink lips. Lips I had been longing to taste since she left that morning. At that moment my thoughts were too scattered. She hadn’t moved, but my energy wasn’t allowing me to stay still. I cornered the couch, heading for the door, before I turned back.
“Lila,” I said. She turned to look at me over the back of the sofa. “Thank you.”
She smiled weakly and her eyes shuddered down on me.
It was the right thing to do. He needed to be with his friends. The band of brothers, he called them. Once again, he also needed to go to her.
Fleur woke from her nap and we finished wrapping the tree in lights. It looked pretty in the dark, but it did need some ornaments. I added that to my list of things to do the next day. At the moment, I only wanted the indulgence of a bath. It had been a long time, since I didn’t feel right taking one at Lansing’s apartment. I gave in one night at his place, but I couldn’t take them as often as I’d like. It was an indulgence I was greedy to take since Fleur and I had our home back.
Our home. It was bare and depressing. Almost a reminder of all that we had lost when I thought Fleur and I had come so far. It would be our third Christmas without them. The first year we didn’t even celebrate. Fleur was still so young and everything still too new. The one-year anniversary, which was the past Christmas, was better. I had hoped to make Christmas the best for Fleur, but the empty room and naked walls made me feel like I had taken two steps back instead of two years forward.
I poured a glass of wine and set it on the floor next to the tub. I left the door open, always afraid I wouldn’t hear Fleur, but also knowing she would sleep through the night pretty easily. Thinking back, those first months were rough. She didn’t understand where her mother had gone. Eventually, I worried that Sara had faded from Fleur’s memory, but every once in a while she would say something, as if she remembered her mother. I had mixed emotions about that, but one emotion was always strongest: guilt.
It was sorrow that plagued me, instead. I let a man I wanted go to his ex-lover in her time of need. Again.
I slipped into the warm water letting it envelop me. One of life’s greatest pleasures is a tub of hot water. It took time to relax and allow that buoyant sensation to take over. My mind raced. I had brought a book into the bathroom, but I had no concentration for it. I let my eyes close and slipped further into the warm abyss.
I don’t know how long I soaked. The water had slightly cooled, but I wasn’t ready to get out. I might have even dozed, because I woke with a start when I heard my name. I sat up a little straighter in the cooling water when the voice grew louder. I knew I should move. I was naked in a bathtub, but I was suddenly frozen despite the warmth.
I had leaned forward to co
ver myself with the edge of the tub as Lansing entered the bathroom.
“Lila, I…” he stopped, stared down at me, and did an about face back into my bedroom.
I was still trying to process how he had gotten into my apartment again, when he took one giant step back into the bathroom.
“What are you doing?” he said with a sly smile creeping over his face.
“What are you doing?” My voice rose as he stood inside the door. I had my body plastered against the cool tile, using it as a shield to cover me. My breasts were pressed so hard into the ceramic I could feel the peaks of my nipples standing up and a shiver of excitement betrayed me.
I honestly didn’t think he’d be back.
“You didn’t think I was coming back, did you?”
I shook my head, still unable to move. His eyes brightened and the smile deepened as he looked down at me.
“I can see it in your eyes, Lila. Did you know that? They shut down when you don’t want me to know what you are thinking, or when you want to close me off.”
He yanked his t-shirt out of his jeans with one hand and with his other hand behind his neck, he pulled both his t-shirt and sweater over his head. He slipped the clothing off his arms and let it hit my bathroom floor. I swallowed hard at the display before me. His hard chest was a sight to behold. I knew why women threw themselves at him like he said. He was cut and clean, and possibly the most lickable person I’d ever encountered.
He knew I was staring and he slid his hand purposefully down his abs and into his pants to adjust himself. Then, he unbuckled his jeans, and I swallowed hard again.
“What are you doing?” I asked in the shakiest voice I’d ever heard come from me.
“I’m getting undressed,” he teased, and his smile lit up his whole face. Dimples beamed at me.
“I…I can see that. But wh…”
I choked on the word. His jeans slipped to the floor and he stepped out, kicking them to join his shirts. He was a teenage dream in front of me. At twenty-four, he was lanky and solid, and just drool worthy. He had on another pair of boxer briefs and I tried to avoid the obvious excitement in his pants.
“I can take them off next, if you’d like?”
I hoped I hadn’t shook my head yes, but I knew my body had a mind of its own at that moment. I could feel him everywhere and he was still across the bathroom. My skin goose-bumped and that pulse between my legs was a marching band. Thumping. Thumping. Thumping.
He walked to the tub and stepped into the small sliver of space provided from my sitting up against the edge.
“I planned on seeing you naked at some time, Lila. And now seems to be as good as any,” he said in a voice suddenly deep with desire. He slipped down behind me, wrapping his legs around me, thus forcing me to lean back against his bare chest. I instinctively tried to cross my arms over my breasts, but it did nothing for my lower body. My hand tried to slip down to cover my dark hair, but his hand met mine. He pulled my hand with his to the apex of my legs and then released me. He simply played with the wet curly hairs for a moment. Toying and teasing me.
“I’m sorry I ran out earlier,” he spoke softly into my ear. “As soon as I was gone, I couldn’t wait to get back.”
“How is everyone?” I couldn’t say her name. Not while we were this intimate. He was still stroking only the hairs and his other hand crossed over my stomach to my hipbone.
“This is the sexiest part of you,” he said kissing my shoulder. He squeezed my hip. “You wear those low cut pants or those low hanging skirts and this gets exposed.” I felt him shudder behind me. He kissed my neck.
“You didn’t answer my question,” I said, swallowing again as he continued to kiss my damp skin.
“Lila. Can we not talk, right now? At least not about ‘them’?” he emphasized, as he made his way to my jaw and tilted my head to have better access to it. He was almost sucking on my skin as his one hand slipped lower to brush against my inner thigh and his other pushed upward just below my breast.
“Okay,” I choked, too distracted by his presence everywhere. His mouth on my face. His hand cupping my breast and fingers that suddenly traced up my center. I flinched with excitement.
“Lila. You have no idea how badly I’ve wanted skin contact with you. We kept grinding into each other, but I needed more than that,” he said tugging on my already perked nipple and slipping a finger into my core. I bucked back against him. I could feel his length against my ass and lower back, but he still had on the boxer-briefs.
I tried to slip a hand over his thigh to reach behind me, but he stopped me.
“Uh-un-on…” he groaned. “This is for you, Lila.”
He slipped another finger into me and I melted into him. His other hand had moved to my other breast giving it equal attention and increasing the pressure both against my breast and between my legs. My eyelids fell shut as he worked me with his two fingers inside and the twisting of his other fingers on my breast. I was a bundle of sensation on the verge of overload.
“I want to see your face when you give in to me,” he said. His hand slid from my breast to my chin, angling my face toward him. I opened my eyes, only briefly, before his mouth was on mine. He was a tender kisser. Firm, but sweet, but as he worked his magic between my legs, I needed more. I needed it a bit tougher. I bit his lip softly and dragged my teeth to pull it toward me. Releasing him, he looked into my eyes for less than a second and his mouth was on mine. Hard. His fingers hooked inside me and I moaned loudly into his mouth. His lips were engulfing mine. He savored me fiercely like I was his last meal.
The bathroom was filled with the sounds of sloshing water, frantic moaning, and mouths kissing. My lower body was losing control. I was meeting his fingers with an intensity I didn’t know I had in me. I needed him so much. I was a wanton woman desperate for relief. I rocked against his hand as his fingers did the hook thing and then his thumb hit me at the button of my pleasure. I broke the kiss to groan.
“Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God,” I prayed.
“Nope. Me. Call out my name,” he moaned, as he bit my neck tenderly. I was holding onto his knee caps as I continued to work against his hand. He hooked inside me one more time as he pressed onto that sensitive nub and I burst forth like a flame thrower. I gripped his bent legs and groaned his name. I was trying to keep it down, so as not to wake Fleur, when all I wanted to do was scream from the penthouse at the top of the building.
I let the excitement crackle out of me, but Lansing didn’t stop and within moments I knew the fire had been sparked again.
“One more,” he demanded. I wasn’t sure I had the energy, but my body didn’t agree. I needed him. I needed him inside me. I flipped in the tub awkwardly and attempted to straddle him. I pressed against his soaked underwear and latched onto his neck with my lips.
“I can’t get at you like this,” he said. I could feel the smile in his voice.
My hand made rapid work down to his briefs and I struggled to tug them off of him. It was bright in the bathroom, as I hadn’t dimmed the lights, and I felt fully exposed like it was broad daylight. I stood to get the briefs over his hips, but they weren’t budging easily. I looked up at him in that hunched over position and he stared at me. My hair dangled forward, my breasts falling toward him.
“Stand up,” he demanded. I let go of the band of his briefs.
“Step toward me.”
I did as he commanded as if I was a robot. Directions given and I followed.
When his mouth hit my center, I fell forward to brace myself on the shower wall behind him. He was sitting upright, and my center of pleasure was in his warm mouth as I stood on shaky legs. His tongue savored me below and I felt it enter me. My hands slipped on the steam-moist wall and he forced one of my feet to lift and balance on the edge of the tub. I never felt so exposed before. His face was in my most intimate of places. I was spread open for him to feast upon.
His tongue continued its indulgence of me, as his hands slipped up my thi
ghs. Fingers entered me again as his tongue twirled around and over the sensitive nub. One hand held my ass, forcing me toward his face as he sucked and licked. One of my hands came to his head and shaky fingers slipped through the longish styled hair. He liked that and I felt him smile then almost purr against me. I gave the back of his hair a slight tug. He sucked me so hard I saw fairy dust stars as I burst forth again.
“Lansing,” I groaned, biting down on my own lip to again stifle my cries. He had both hands on my hipbones as he finished his final course of me, slowing tenderly to a stop. He leaned forward to rub his nose through my hair as his palms spread over my pelvis bones. He pulled back to trail kisses up one side and then the other.
“This is so sexy, Lila. You are so sexy.” He looked up at me with bright blue eyes, smiled that sheepish smile, and continued with, “You are gorgeous.”
My hands were running through his hair and I was ready to bend down to kiss him, when he stood abruptly. My body shook with a loss of energy. He startled me when he kissed me before he stood completely upright. I shivered.
“The water’s cold,” he said. He stepped out of the tub, then helped me out like I was the grandest of ladies and needed the simplest of care. He pulled the towel from the rod and wiped at himself before wrapping it around me.
I was still so stunned and relaxed by all that transpired that I momentarily forgot that he needed to be taken care of. I heard the slap of wet clothing hit the bathroom floor but my gaze never left his face. He was naked as I took his hand and dragged him to my bed. I forced him to sit down, but he gripped my wrists.
“That was for you, Lila.”
“I want to give back to you what you gave me.”
“You don’t have to. That isn’t why I did it.”
“Why did you do it?” I said with a bit of bite.
