by Tillie Cole
Feeling unease in my stomach at the thought of moving into the frat house, I shrugged my shoulders. “I’m probably just gonna stay at my place. Y’all know I got the pool house now. I’m good on my own. Prefer my own space.”
After the silence that followed, I looked up to see Jake and Ashton staring at me in obvious disappointment. I met their stares, and with defeated shoulders, they wordlessly stepped aside. I picked up my feet and jogged back toward centerfield, trying hard to avoid a continuation of this conversation. Then Ashton shouted, “We just want you to get out more, Alabama! It’s not good being on your own all the time!”
Stopping dead, I looked back and assured him, “I’m good on my own. I ain’t into all the parties and stuff that you guys are. It just isn’t me. So leave me alone, yeah? I’m good as I am. I’m happy.”
Jake and Ashton turned away without saying anything else, and as they walked to grab their drink, I glanced over at the redhead and felt my face flame with embarrassment, as I caught her still staring at me. My hand tightened on my helmet strap, and I immediately dropped my gaze. Truth was, I didn’t even like her, not like that anyway. I didn’t even know her. I’d never given her a chance to speak to me. I’d run away every time.
She wasn’t the first to pay me attention; in fact, it happened all the time and I hated it. I wasn’t good with words. I wasn’t good with any of the dating crap. I played ball, I studied, and I kept to myself.
That was my life.
And I didn’t want it to change.
“Carillo. You got twenty more sprints, then you can hit the showers,” Coach shouted, as I took my place back on the field. Putting my head down, drawing myself down to focus, I got it done.
Twenty sprints later, I threw a wave to Jake and Ashton who were still hitting their sprints. I made my way inside. I always finished first. Football was my life. It was what I did best. It was the only constant I’d ever had; I could trust football, I could trust the routine.
It never let me down.
It never left.
My cleats tapped on the tile floor of the locker room as I toweled off sweat from my face. I hit the showers, and in less than five minutes under the boiling spray, with only a towel around my waist, I headed into the locker room. I entered the change area, just as a movement caught my eye, right in front of my station.
A girl. A petite, thin girl—scraggly long blond hair sticking out of a pulled up hood; dressed in dirty black jeans, chucks riddled with holes, and a scuffed black leather jacket.
I froze, startled by what the hell a girl was doing in here, in the football locker room. Then my eyes widened when I realized exactly what she was doing. Her left side was to me, her rail thin body showing me most of her back.
Her hands were in my bag.
Instinct kicked in and I stepped forward. “Hey!” I shouted. But the girl didn’t move. I shouted again, my heart beating fast. It seemed like it took her a minute to hear me. She froze, and flashing me a quick glimpse of her shocked dirty face hidden under her black hood, she pulled something to her chest and sprinted out of the locker room, then straight outside.
I stood rooted to the spot, completely shocked, until I remembered that my bag was wide open. I rushed forward and looked inside. At first I didn’t think anything had been taken, then I noticed my wallet was missing from the inside pocket. I began throwing my clothes and sports crap out onto the floor, searching the entire bag. But as I reached inside the hidden compartment, there was nothing.
Nothing.
She’d taken my wallet.
Great!
Standing straight, I ran my hands through my wet hair. My eyes darted around the room. I questioned how the hell she’d gotten in here? In a secure room?
I breathed out through my nose, trying like hell to calm down, when shards of ice sliced, like spears, down my spine. Every part of me stilled as a further realization kicked in. My wallet. My wallet not only contained all my cards and ID, but also the one thing that mattered the most to me—in my whole life.
The rosary.
My rosary.
My mamma’s rosary!
I shot forward like lightning, dragging my sweatpants and hoodie out of my bag, and threw them on in record time. Without even bothering to put on my chucks, I sprinted out of the locker room and out into the parking lot. My eyes searched all around for the blonde, but she was nowhere in sight. My eyes traveled over the mass of cars, the sidewalks and the surrounding buildings, but she’d gone.
The cold wind wrapped around me and I stood with my hands on my head. My stomach sank into a huge pit when I thought of having those beads taken from me.
I needed them.
I Goddamn needed them.
My jaw clenched as I fought back a loud frustrated scream, then I saw other students hanging about, all staring at me as I stood in bare feet, my hair dripping wet and my hands upon my head.
Feeling a huge surge of embarrassment, I forced myself to turn, to go back into the change rooms, when someone stepped in my path.
My stomach sank further still.
It was the redheaded cheerleader.
The girl smiled and my eyes instinctively dropped to the ground, refusing any contact. I could feel my cheeks heat with redness. I tucked my hands into my pockets, and hell, I had no idea what to do next.
“Levi?” My body tensed as she spoke my name. My heart fired off like a damn cannon and I shifted on my feet. I still didn’t raise my eyes, and I heard a small laugh slip from her throat. “I’m Harper. We’ve never been properly introduced.”
Taking a deep breath, I flicked my eyes to hers, but as soon as I saw her watching me with a smile, another rush of embarrassment hit.
I was no good at this type of thing.
I couldn’t talk to girls.
I couldn’t function around them, something inside stealing all my confidence every time—not that I had much to begin with.
“Are you ever going look at me, Levi? Ever going to talk to me?”
I sucked in a deep breath as Harper moved closer to me, and eventually, I lifted my head. I knew my cheeks were hot with embarrassment. I was sure they were about to set on fire when I watched her smile as I peered up through the strands of my hair that had fallen over my eyes.
Harper was pretty. She wasn’t exactly my type, not that I really had a type. I mean, surely a type meant you actually dated girls. I never did. I just knew she wasn’t really what I’d go for if I was to ever ask anyone out.
When I caught Harper’s eyes, she laughed again. “That’s better. Now I can see those pretty gray eyes of yours. Such a rare color.”
I glanced away, when Harper laid a hand on my arm. My head snapped back, and she asked, “You going to the guys’ party this weekend?”
I shook my head. Harper’s face fell.
“Why not? Everyone will be there. The whole team is going.” She paused. “I’ll be there. I was hoping you’d be there too.”
“I…” I cleared my throat, forcing my mouth to move, pushing my lost voice to make sound. “I c-can’t,” I embarrassingly stuttered out.
Dropping my head, I sucked in the corner of my bottom lip. It was instinctive, an innate sign that I was pussying out. It was my damn tell that I was uncomfortable. Hell, that I was standing here dying.
Harper’s hand tightened on my arm, pulling my attention back to her. I wanted nothing more than to get away from this train wreck of a situation. “I hope you’ll change your mind, Levi. I find myself wanting to know you. Know what’s going on in that shy and mysterious mind of yours. You’re an enigma to me. To all of the girls here.”
Seconds passed in strained silence as she waited for me to say something in response. But I had nothing at all to say. I wasn’t mysterious, nor was I an enigma; I was crippled with nerves.
Without looking Harper in the eyes, I curtly nodded my head as a goodbye, and headed back into the locker room. I felt her watching me all the way to the door, but I never looked back.
Seeing the rest of the team beginning to fill the room, and not wanting to get a grilling from Jake and Ashton, I grabbed my sports bag and hightailed it out the door. I rushed to my Jeep and threw myself behind the wheel. In seconds I was on the road, my heart cracking over the fact that my rosary had gone.
It was strange; without those beads, I felt that a piece of my soul had been taken too.
A light rain drizzled against my windshield. As it did, I became lost in my thoughts. The first thing I saw in my mind’s eye was the girl in the locker room: the thief. As I thought of her small hands rooting in my bag, my chest tightened. She was so thin, like starved thin. She was pitted with dirt, her blond hair was unkempt and unwashed. Her legs were like pins in her sodden jeans and her chucks were full of holes.
I frowned, forcing myself to remember the glimpse I’d had of her face. I caught myself swallowing as I remembered those huge blue eyes, sunken into her cheeks. The more I thought of that glimpse, I guessed that she must be a few years younger than me. Younger than me and stealing from a locker room.
Stealing my rosary.
My hands tightened on the steering wheel. I was furious. I was hurt. I was devastated. Yet I couldn’t help but feel sorry for the girl. She reminded me of some of the girls we brought into Lexi’s center; the new center she’d created here in Seattle for troubled teens. The girl had resembled some of the ones I would register into the computer system, when I helped Lexi out during the week. The blonde looked homeless and dirt poor. I shifted on my heated seat. I remembered what it felt like to be poor. I hated seeing the young runaways, or bullied teens, in the center when they’d come in all broken and alone.
I saw my mamma in every one of their faces—silently crying out for help. Soon my anger toward the girl dissipated, only to be replaced by intense sorrow. No one should ever have to feel like that. No one should ever be so broken and alone.
Turning up the speaker system, my favorite song from Band of Horses filled the Jeep. I pressed my foot on the gas pedal and sped all the way home.
Pulling into the driveway, I parked the car in front of the house, and walked in the front door. The sound of soft singing from the living room greeted me—Lexi.
I put my bag on the floor beside the living room entrance and headed in her direction. I couldn’t help but smile when I did. Lexi was holding Dante, her new baby son, in her arms; she rocked him back and forth, singing lullabies to my cute as hell nephew.
Obviously sensing me standing in the doorway, Lexi turned. On seeing it was me, a smile spread on her lips.
“Hey Lev,” she whispered quietly. Lexi glanced back at Dante. I could see, even from here, that his eyes were closed and his breathing had evened out with sleep.
Lexi moved to the Moses basket in the center of the room, and with a kiss to his chubby cheeks, she laid him down. I watched, arms folded over my chest. All I felt was warmth.
I loved Lexi. She was an amazing mother. And even though she was only seven years older than me, she was kind of a mother to me too.
I hadn’t realized I’d been staring at the floor until I saw Lexi’s tiny bare feet in my line of sight. Looking up, her green eyes were watching me in concern.
“What’s wrong, sweetie?” she asked, her black eyebrows pulled down in worry.
Sighing, I shook my head. “Nothing, Lex. Just got off practice early. And I’m kinda tired. Thought I’d come home and get started on my assignments.”
Lexi’s eyes narrowed, but I turned and picked up my bag. “I’ll be in my pool house,” I called back over my shoulder, and walked out of the kitchen door into the backyard. I didn’t hear anything else as I cut through the wide garden and passed the pool. The rain was pouring now, from a gray and overcast sky.
I entered the pool house and threw my bag down beside the door. I headed straight for my closet to change into some dry clothes, when my eyes landed on the picture on my dresser. It was my mamma; my mamma smiling and holding me in her arms. I was about three. We both looked happy. Then my eyes drifted to my mamma’s hand, and there, clutched in her palm were the brown rosary beads she’d treasured so much. That I now treasured so much.
The ones that had now gone.
My hands ran through my still-wet hair, my eyes glued to the picture, when I heard the pool house door click open behind me. I turned to see Lexi slipping through, her black hair now damp from the downpour.
I sighed as she entered, and she said, “I know you, Lev. You didn’t think I’d leave you here alone, when I knew you were upset, did you?” My shoulders sagged as she walked toward me. “You may not say much, sweetie, but I can tell when you’re hurting.”
Dipping my head, feeling my chest ache, I said, “What about Dante?”
Lexi glanced over her shoulder through the glass door of the pool house. “Austin just got home.” I saw Austin standing at the kitchen window of the main house. When I caught his eye, he lifted his hand. I threw him a wave back, then sat down on the end of the bed.
Lexi sat down beside me. I could feel her attention concentrating on me. With a deep breath, I explained, “My wallet got stolen from the locker room this afternoon.”
I could feel the confusion coming from Lexi, confusion as to why I was so upset. “Okay,” she drew out the word, “well that sucks. But it’s okay, we’ll cancel your cards and get everything replaced. It’s annoying but it’s an easy fix.”
I nodded, and looked up at my sister-in-law. Lexi’s green eyes narrowed as she read my face. “But that’s not what’s bothering you though.” Her head tilted to the side. “What’s really wrong, Lev? All this isn’t over a few stolen credit cards.”
Lexi’s hand squeezed my arm and I exhaled a long breath. “My mamma’s rosary beads were inside the wallet. I always keep them in it when I train, to keep them safe.” I huffed a sardonic laugh.
Lexi’s face immediately fell at the mention of my mamma. “Oh, Levi. I’m so sorry, sweetie.”
For some reason my throat clogged with emotion at the pureness of understanding in Lexi’s voice. This was why I loved her. She’d been with me and Austin through thick and thin. But more than that, I didn’t have to explain to her why the rosary getting stolen destroyed me inside. She knew my mamma. She knew what losing her did to us all. She knew me, period.
“Did you see who took it? Have you told the coach? Maybe they caught the person responsible after you left?”
I pictured the hooded young girl in my mind and nodded my head. “It was a girl. I’d never seen her before. She was real dirty and her clothes were all faded and old. She looked like a homeless person, Lex. She looked like some of the kids we get in at Kind.”
Lexi’s eyebrows pulled down again—this time it was in concern, concern for the girl. “Did she speak to you?”
I shook my head. “I was just coming out of the shower when I saw her going through my things. I called out a couple of times before she even heard me. When she did, she bolted out of the door. By the time I was dressed, she’d vanished.”
I swallowed the lump in my throat and said quietly, “I don’t give a damn about the wallet. But the beads…” I trailed off, staring at the floor again.
Suddenly, Lexi pulled me into her arms. “I know, Lev. I know why they’re so important.”
Feeling stupid that, at age twenty, I was so cut up about those damn old beads I held Lexi back, and fought to control my breathing. In fact, I squeezed Lexi for a couple of long minutes. I never really showed emotion to anyone. Hell, I barely spoke unless I was forced to, but I could tell Lexi anything. She was the strongest, kindest person I knew.
Eventually, I pulled back. Keeping my head down, I stood up, completely embarrassed.
“Lev—”
“It’s alright, Lex. I’ll get over it. They were just a bit of old wood.”
Lexi stood and made her way to the pool house door. Before she left, she countered, “They weren’t, Lev. To you, they are your mamma. You don’t need to feel foolish about hurting over
losing them. Not to me.”
I didn’t reply, unsure that I could through my thick throat. Lexi left me alone, and I exhaled a long breath. I quickly changed into a dry pair of sweats and a shirt, toweled off my hair, and made myself a coffee.
Walking straight to my desk, I sat on my chair and opened the Greek Mythology textbook that was already lying on the top. My eyes fell upon the bookmarked page and the story my assignment was on—Hero and Leander. I stared at the aged oil painting of the doomed lovers dominating the page. I sighed.
I was twenty.
Mamma had died when I was fourteen.
I should be coping with life by now.
But since the day she died, I felt like I’d been wandering in a forest. A forest shrouded in dense mist. Since the day my mamma passed, I’d been trying to find a guiding light out of this mess. Desperate to find my way out of the dark.
My gaze fell on the picture of Hero and Leander; of Leander drowned in the water, his guiding light in Hero’s tower extinguished by the raging storm. He’d been lost at sea, his lover’s bright lamp overwhelmed by towering waves.
At that moment I felt a kinship with this Greek man, because I was lost too. Drowning too.
But I was drowning in life.
Drowning in my own shyness.
Being kept down by my past.
Chapter Two
Elsie
I kept on running. I hadn’t dared stop. That boy had seen me.
He’d seen me stealing from his bag. Daggers stabbed at my conscience as I remembered his face at the moment he realized I was taking his things. But then I had swayed on my feet; the hunger and weakness in my body chasing away my guilt. And he’d been shouting at me. He’d shouted at me and I didn’t hear him. Didn’t hear him standing behind me—and I had almost been caught; caught red handed committing a felony offense.
My stomach growled at me, screaming that it was desperate for food. My legs shook as I forced them to work even though I had little energy left to help them move. My skin flushed with an almost unbearable heat, my head feeling light again. I knew it would pass. The too-hot sensation would pass, only to be replaced by too-freezing cold. I had been this way for weeks; every day I grew weaker and weaker.
