by Amy Miller
Heidi’s shoulders sagged with relief. ‘You’re probably right,’ she said. ‘Thank you. If you hear from him, please tell him to call Heidi. Tell him I’ve been trying to contact him – and that it’s urgent.’
Ian’s flat had been Heidi’s second port of call. She’d tried Martha, who spoke to her in whispers, because she was on holiday in Greece with Freddy and her new boyfriend. When Heidi asked if Martha had told William about the holiday or the new boyfriend, Martha had said, ‘I’m not as bad as you like to think,’ and put the phone down.
Heidi didn’t know where else to look. She didn’t know his other friends, though he was often talking to people on his mobile. Finding someone without having a clue where they might be was like finding a needle in a haystack. It made her realise how little she knew about him.
Driving through Poole, she slowed down at every doorway where someone was sleeping rough. There were so many. Far too many. She went to the One Stop shop she’d seen William at before and lurked outside for an hour, wondering if he might come in. She tried the Blackbird Café and asked one of the waitresses. Then, she went into several betting shops, scanning the people inside, seething with anger and sorrow at the advertising, the lures, the pointless ‘when it’s no longer fun, stop’ messaging all over the walls. She rang around the hospitals. But he was nowhere. And he was still not picking up his phone.
‘Just leave it for a while,’ she instructed herself, deciding to return to the workshop.
In an attempt to distract herself from all her worries and woes, Heidi focused on her work. She hadn’t spoken to Max since she’d been so rude to him at the party – and couldn’t face calling him in to help out with the outstanding jobs. She would get on top of things herself.
Switching on the radio and tidying up the workshop, she finished the dancing-clown trinket box first, placing it on the windowsill where it had stood before William had smashed it. She wanted him to have it. Johnny would want him to have it. Perhaps on his birthday, if he ever came back. ‘Please come back,’ she said over and over in her head.
When Annie came to collect the ‘Barry’ chair, Heidi was transported back to the day that Johnny had died. She tried not to convey the heart-breaking memory of that day on her face as Annie talked about the cruise she’d been on.
‘I’ve had the best few weeks of my life,’ she told Heidi. ‘How about you?’
Heidi almost laughed – it was better than crying. Not knowing where to start, she sidestepped the question and showed Annie the cocktail chair. Annie gave her a quick hug.
‘My husband will be delighted,’ she said. ‘Our memory of Barry will live on! Thank you.’
When Heidi visited Walter, he was tending his balcony garden. He seemed genuinely overjoyed to see her, inviting her inside his small flat, which was decorated with a lifetime of photos of himself and his wife Lily. His flat was underneath Rosalind’s but couldn’t be more different. Where hers was spartan, Walter’s was packed with possessions; ornaments, pictures, books, things. It reminded her of the workshop and made her feel instantly at home.
He showed her the chair he wanted her to reupholster – an armchair covered in brown wool fabric – and which was one of two positioned in front of the window overlooking the sea. On the windowsill was a family of pottery Siamese cat ornaments, all with piercing blue eyes. The sight of the two armchairs pulled at Heidi’s heartstrings. Those chairs were at the heart of so many conversations.
‘I talk to that chair as if she’s in it!’ Walter said. ‘Those cats must think I’m crazy! Your mum tells me I am.’
He smiled at his own joke and Heidi laughed gently, warmly.
‘As I said before, I think I should have the chair with her, and to be honest I’m concerned there’s not that much time left,’ he said, with sadness in his eyes. ‘She loved sitting in this chair, and I’d love to make it more comfortable for her. Sounds silly, but you have to hold on to these small things, threads from the past. When the big things get taken away, the small things mean a lot.’
‘I’ll do it straight away,’ said Heidi. ‘Of course.’
‘Thank you, my love,’ he said. ‘Are you visiting your mother today? I see she has someone staying with her. A lady with pink hair!’
Heidi nodded and smiled. ‘That’s Tuesday,’ she said. ‘My half-sister.’
‘Which half?’ said Walter with a gentle laugh. ‘Left or right?’
‘I suppose I should just say “my sister”,’ she said, ‘shouldn’t I?’
‘Why “suppose”?’ he asked.
Heidi sat down and sighed. ‘No reason. She’s only recently come into my life and it’s taken some getting used to, that’s all. She’s a lovely person. Mum loves her.’
‘The more love there is floating around, the better, in my opinion,’ Walter said. ‘You can never have too much of the stuff. I’m close to the end of my life now and I wish I’d loved more loudly, more expansively, just more. Because before you know it, you’ve run out of opportunities.’
Heidi nodded and gave Walter a little smile.
‘Okay, I’d better get upstairs,’ she said. ‘I’ll collect your chair on my way out and reupholster it for you. I have some almost identical fabric.’
‘That’s marvellous,’ he said, opening the door. ‘Thank you.’
Upstairs, Rosalind and Tuesday were sitting on the balcony, surrounded by galvanised metal buckets of red and pink geraniums. Rosalind had got rid of the sunlounger she normally made use of and installed two deckchairs instead – so the two of them could sit there together.
‘Don’t worry,’ said Rosalind, before Heidi could say a word. ‘There’s one for you too. I know you like red, so I’ve reserved this one for you.’
She set up a third deckchair, a red-and-white-striped one, and the three of them sat on the balcony overlooking the sea, which was dead calm. Paddleboarders and kayakers were enjoying the flat conditions, and several families were camped out under colourful umbrellas and sun tents. Tuesday offered to make tea and biscuits, while Rosalind and Heidi caught up about William.
‘It’s hard to hear, but maybe he just doesn’t want to see you at the moment,’ said Rosalind. ‘Things don’t always work out how you want them to. People often aren’t who you want them to be.’
Rosalind’s words grated on Heidi. ‘I know that,’ she said. ‘Christ, of course I know that! Okay, so he doesn’t want me in his life. I’m just supposed to accept that and never contact him again? What sort of person would I be if I did that?’
Her nose and throat burned with tears.
‘Give it some time,’ advised Rosalind gently, patting Heidi’s knee. ‘I didn’t mean to upset you. I just want you to look after your heart. Things can change. Look how things have changed for me. I’ve got you to thank for that, Heidi.’
They both glanced towards the kitchen, where Tuesday was laying out cups and saucers on a tray.
‘I’m glad you’re happy,’ said Heidi. ‘You didn’t even want to meet Tuesday at first.’
‘I know,’ said Rosalind softly. ‘But I was just so scared of the prospect. You persuaded me to because you’re a wonderful daughter and you have a big heart. It turned out really well. I’m lucky; I know that. I feel like I’ve got a new lease of life.’
Heidi smiled.
‘I love you,’ said Rosalind quietly. ‘You know that, don’t you?’
‘I love you too,’ said Heidi.
Tuesday walked towards them and set the tray down on the table before settling herself into a deckchair. She started to tell them both about where her parents lived in France and that she was planning to go out to visit them next month to fill them in about everything.
‘If you ever want to come with me for a break,’ she said to Heidi. ‘I’d love that. My parents would love to meet you.’
Tuesday was looking at Heidi with such hope in her eyes, Heidi’s heart contracted. She reached over to Tuesday and gave her a brief hug.
‘Thank you,’ she s
aid. ‘I’d love that.’
From inside her bag, Heidi’s phone rang and, seeing Scarlet was calling, she quickly answered.
‘Mum?’ said Scarlet. ‘Can you come to the hospital? Zoe’s gone into labour.’
‘Oh my God,’ said Heidi. ‘Is she doing okay?’
‘Yes,’ said Scarlet. ‘But it’s coming quite quickly. Leo’s not here yet.’
Heidi stood up from the deckchair, knocking into the tray, the phone still pressed to her ear.
‘What is it?’ Rosalind asked, her face full of concern.
‘The baby’s coming,’ Heidi said to Rosalind and Tuesday, then addressed Scarlet. ‘I’m on my way.’
Thirty-Five
Scarlet waited at the entrance of the hospital and waved enthusiastically at Heidi as she rushed towards her. Quickly, they embraced before Scarlet filled her in on the details.
‘How is she?’ Heidi asked, her heart pounding in her chest, gripping the strap of her bag over her shoulder. ‘Is she okay?’
‘She’s fine,’ said Scarlet calmly. ‘There’s nothing to worry about; it’s all happening as it should. She’s just a little bit early, but not too early. Leo arrived about five minutes ago and is with her now. She’s quite advanced and is in active labour. Shall we sit in the café for a while? Leo said he’d call the moment the baby is born.’
Heidi exhaled with relief, so grateful that Zoe’s labour was progressing normally. There was no reason to think it wouldn’t, but it was still a worry. She thought about Johnny and how he’d feel if he was here. Swallowing back the tears, she knew he’d be nervous as hell.
Heidi and Scarlet walked arm in arm through the hospital reception area towards the café, where Scarlet ordered them both coffees. They took a seat by the window, which overlooked the car park. Heidi stared out at the people rushing to and fro, their lives loaded with good and bad news, shocks and relief. Only months before, she’d been here and seen Johnny’s lifeless body, and now she was waiting for her grandchild to be born – how quickly life changes. She sipped her coffee and smiled at Scarlet, regretting that their last exchanges had been so angry.
‘So, what happened?’ Heidi asked. ‘If Leo wasn’t around, did you bring Zoe in?’
Scarlet looked down at the table for a moment, before looking back up to meet Heidi’s gaze. A pink bloom coloured her cheeks and she suddenly looked twelve years old again.
‘William brought her in,’ Scarlet said. ‘Me and William brought her into the hospital.’
‘William?’ said Heidi, utterly confused. ‘How? What? Why was William…?’
She let her words trail off, frowning at Scarlet while she waited for an explanation. Scarlet sighed and put her palms flat on the table.
‘Don’t be mad at me for not telling you,’ Scarlet said quietly, ‘but after the party, after what you said about finding William being Dad’s wish, that you were doing all this for Dad, I went to see William to talk to him. I haven’t been fair to him right from the start. I don’t know why. I think I felt protective of you – of us.’
‘You went to see him?’ asked Heidi. ‘How did you know where to find him?’
‘I went to his son’s school,’ said Scarlet. ‘And waited for him there.’ She took a sip of her coffee. ‘I suddenly realised that him and me weren’t that different,’ she continued. ‘I’ve been so angry about Dad dying, and he’s so angry about lots of things. I thought we should talk. I thought I should give William a second chance.’
‘Scarlet, I’m… I’m…’ Heidi stuttered, ‘shocked.’
‘He was going to crash at a friend’s house and I thought that if he did that his situation would never change but also that our situation would never change,’ she said. ‘I’ve had to face up to reality. You would be worrying about him, he would never get out of the hopeless situation he’s in and Dad’s wish would never be fulfilled. I thought he could do with some help, but one step removed. So I organised for him to stay with Max.’
‘Max?’ said Heidi, surprised that he hadn’t told her about it, though of course she hadn’t see him since the party.
‘Yes. Max has put all these rules in place, and William agreed to stick to them. We were together, me, Zoe and William, when Zoe’s contractions started. We were trying to sort things out a bit between us before getting you involved again. We wanted to give you some breathing space. Anyway, then Zoe went into labour and so William drove us here in Max’s van. He’s put William on his insurance, you see.’
‘Is he here?’ asked Heidi, stunned by the news.
‘No,’ she said. ‘He said he didn’t want to intrude. He told me he’d come if we needed him and that he’d do whatever we needed and to tell him the news when the baby was born. He got quite emotional. I think it brought back memories of Freddy being born.’
‘Wow,’ said Heidi. ‘I don’t know what to say.’
‘You don’t need to say anything,’ said Scarlet. ‘Frankie made me see things in a different way. I’ve been so unfair to you, while you’ve been grieving and trying to do the right thing. I’m so sorry.’
Heidi leaned over the table to hug Scarlet. ‘You’ve nothing to apologise for,’ she said. ‘I should be apologising to you for everything that’s happened. And I should also be thanking you for being so grown up about this and going to see William. I’m proud of you, Scarlet. So, has William had a change of heart? He seemed so full of resentment at the party.’
Scarlet leaned back in her chair. ‘I think he was full of beer. He’s stopped drinking. He says he’s never going to touch the stuff again. When we talked he got really upset and told Zoe and I that you and our family mean a lot to him, but that he has a self-destruct button that he presses when someone appears to be precious. Don’t get me wrong, he’s got a long way to go. We all have, but I think this is better than how it was. I just wanted to make something better, rather than ripping everything up for once. You know what I’m like.’
Heidi wiped at a tear that was dripping down her cheek and hugged Scarlet once more, her heart swelling with pride. This must have all been so hard for Scarlet, but she’d overcome her anger and her suspicion and had found space in her heart to give William another chance.
Heidi glanced at the clock. They’d been sitting there for over an hour. Suddenly, an ash-faced Leo appeared at the table, his hands clearly trembling.
‘What?’ said Heidi, shooting up from her seat. ‘Is she okay?’
Leo smiled and nodded as tears leaked from his eyes.
‘She’s done it,’ he said, blinking in wonder. ‘We’ve had a boy. We have a son. We’ve called him Johnny. Johnny William.’
Heidi couldn’t hold in the tears now. Throwing her arms around Leo, she wept with joy.
Thirty-Six
It was Heidi’s birthday – and William’s too. Max had phoned early, when Heidi was only just out of bed and drinking tea with Zoe and Leo at the kitchen table. Leo held baby Johnny in his arms while Zoe gave Heidi a beautiful vintage photograph frame decorated with tiny hand-painted flowers and a bunch of fragrant cream roses for her birthday. This was her first birthday for as long as she could remember without Johnny, and quietly, she missed him terribly.
‘It’s a big day,’ Max said on the phone. ‘Would you like to come over for coffee? I know Johnny had a birthday surprise planned for today for you – and it hasn’t quite worked out how he wanted it to, but William would like to see you. I’d like to see you. We thought we could go for a swim together. We’ve been doing a lot of swimming. It’s been going well actually, Heidi. You’ll be proud of William.’
It would be the first time she’d seen William since the awful day on the cliff, though she’d heard more stories about him and how delighted he seemed to be an uncle from both her daughters since she and Scarlet had spoken in the hospital.
She had also spoken to Max, who had explained how he’d given William an ultimatum and that William had accepted.
‘Remember I gave you one of those years ago?’ he’d
said, the sound of a smile in his voice. ‘Didn’t quite go as I’d hoped.’
‘I remember,’ Heidi had said gently.
Max had offered William a room if he promised to attend the sessions with Andy and persuaded him to change his mobile to one of the old-fashioned ones without internet access, so he wouldn’t be tempted by gambling apps. He wasn’t to touch alcohol and he had to swim in the sea, with Max, every day, for at least an hour, whatever the weather. If he slipped up, even once, he was out on his ear.
Heidi didn’t know how she felt about all of this. She was grateful to Max, but also disappointed that she hadn’t been able to do the same thing – that what she had offered William wasn’t enough. ‘It’s not that your help wasn’t enough,’ Max had told her gently, reading her mind. ‘I think it was too much. There was so much riding on it, Heidi, for you both. Think about it. You’re both suffering in different ways, with grief, loss and, in William’s case, addiction. You need time to heal before taking each other on – that’s how I see it. As someone looking in.’
Heidi dressed carefully. Choosing her button earrings and a grey linen dress, she thought of Johnny and the years that they’d been married, but also when they’d first met in Johnny’s family’s shop; when they were innocent young things. She smiled at the thought.
‘Do you want me to come with you?’ asked Zoe when Heidi said goodbye, the clown trinket box wrapped in tissue paper in her bag.
‘No,’ she said, giving baby Johnny a kiss on his cheek. ‘I’ll be fine. You’ve got your hands full here.’
Max must have been waiting by the front door he opened it so promptly.
‘Come in, Heidi,’ he said. ‘William’s out in the garden. Happy birthday to you.’
‘Thanks, Max,’ she said, patting his arm. ‘Thank you for everything.’
Trembling, Heidi walked through Max’s hallway, through the kitchen and out towards the garden. A wall of photographs caught her eye and she stopped briefly to admire them. He didn’t have Johnny’s talent, but Max had captured some wonderful images of Jane and their son, Ben. There was one of Heidi and Johnny, too, at a party on the beach, taken years ago. They were both holding glasses and laughing at something. They looked so happy it brought tears to Heidi’s eyes. Quickly, she blinked them away.
