by Pamela Morsi
When it came time to board the plane, he unexpectedly clouded up. It was as if he knew how much we didn’t want him to go. As she disappeared down the ramp, he was looking back at me and held one arm out as if to plead for rescue.
“See you next week, Jackie. We love you.”
Our first Christmas without J.D. was quiet and lonely. But I think we must have wanted it that way. Geri had a half dozen invitations from sisters who would have welcomed us to join them for the holiday. But we wanted to stay at home. We wanted to eat a simple pot roast and pretend it was just another winter day.
Geri and I conversed over the meal but never much above a whisper. It was almost as if we were afraid to draw attention to ourselves. A stray word might catch God’s ear. We both recognized what was coming and there was nothing we could do to keep it at bay.
“A young woman, any young woman, is sure to get on with her life,” I told Geri. “And there is nothing we can or should do to stop that.”
“You’re absolutely right,” Geri agreed. “She’s young enough to wed again and that’s what J.D. would want for her. He’d want her to be as happy with someone else as they were together.”
“And Jackie is her son. Of course she’ll take him with her when she goes,” I pointed out.
“Naturally,” Geri agreed. “It couldn’t be any other way.”
So we deliberately made the decision not to get too attached to Jackie. He was her son. We’d had our son and he was gone forever.
It seemed like a perfectly reasonable, prudent and thoughtful strategy. We would always love Jackie, but we’d not make him the center of our lives.
Geri and I both agreed that was best.
And our good intentions lasted almost long enough to get the sleepy child from the arrival gate to the car at the airport parking lot. His smiles brightened everything. And when his tummy hurt or he was cutting teeth, all we could think about was his pain. He wasn’t the center of our world, he’d become our universe and we couldn’t resist him.
It seemed as if the motivation to keep him at arm’s length might not be necessary. During our first meal with them back home, she gave us the news. We were sitting around the kitchen table. Jackie was in his high chair using his scant few teeth on a cooked carrot.
“My father thinks I should go back to college,” Toni said. “Being a single mother is a big responsibility, and I owe it to Jackie to be as prepared as I can to provide for him.”
My heart fell at her words, but I nodded with sincerity.
“That seems like a good idea, what do you think?”
She bit her lip nervously before she replied. “I want to do it,” she said. “I always hoped I’d get a chance to finish school. And the only way I could really afford it is to move back in with my parents. I can do that…but I don’t want Jackie being raised in their house.”
Geri’s brow furrowed and she glanced at me. “What do you mean, sweetie?” she asked. “Is something bad happening in that house?”
Toni shook her head. “No, nothing like that, nothing bad. It’s just that my father and stepmother are so focused on money and social position. That was their whole objection to J.D., marrying him couldn’t elevate my status. My half sisters are growing up to be little spoiled snobs. I don’t want that for Jackie. I want him to feel loved and cared for the way I was loved by my grandparents and the way J.D. was loved by you.”
“As his mother you’ll be setting the mark on how he’ll behave,” Geri assured her. “And nothing will ever stop us from loving this child.”
“I know,” Toni said. “But it will all be tougher from the inside of my father’s house.” She hesitated. “There is something I want to ask you, but I don’t want to pressure you or force anything on you. I would like to go back to San Antonio and go to college. But I would like to leave Jackie here with you two.”
To say that Geri and I were delighted is to make the moment too small. It was as if a giant weight had been cast off my shoulders. I could have floated to the ceiling.
I’m sure it was difficult for Toni to leave the boy behind, but she was also excited and eager about getting back to her friends and the life at school. No one could fault a young woman on that, especially one who’d so recently had her heart broken to bits.
But we had one last good surprise. Geri and I discussed it long and thoroughly and were in total agreement. The day before she was to fly out, I went down to the bank and had our special savings account put into a cashier’s check. We presented it to her after Jackie had gone to bed.
“This was J.D.’s college money,” Geri said. “It’s mostly proceeds from my father’s business, and Bud and I put in more of our own when we had it. We want you to take it.”
“Oh, no,” Toni responded immediately. “I can’t take your money.”
“It was meant for J.D., so it should have been yours anyway,” I told her.
“But you’re going to have the expense of having Jackie here,” she said. “And my father says that he’ll pay for everything.”
“We can easily keep Jackie in shoes and pull toys,” I said. “With this money you could pay most of your own way. I’m sure your father’s offer to foot the bill for everything is completely genuine. But sometimes it’s better within a family for nobody to really have the upper hand.”
So she returned to her family and a new life. And Geri and I were left in Catawah with the most fascinating child in the entire world to entertain us. All of our well-considered plans to keep a safe emotional distance and to prepare ourselves for his eventual return to his mother just disappeared in to thin air. He was ours. And the thrill of that swept through me like youth.
I heard the groan of an old man. I realized it was me.
I was far removed from my home and Geri. I was in the hospital. The hospital with the music. And the band that had been playing downstairs for the last few days had moved into the hallway right outside my door. They could really play, but their take on “Lover Come Back to Me” had a melancholy trumpet that made the heart ache. That was what had made me groan. My body seemed beyond hurt, only my memory could cause me pain.
Tuesday, June 14, 7:12 p.m.
After fifteen hours at the hospital, it was unanimously agreed that Jack and Claire had to go back to the house to get some rest. Jack volunteered to drive so Claire could sleep.
“No,” she told him. “Why don’t I drive and you can talk to me and keep us awake.”
Jack agreed and put his tote bag with the treasure box pieces in the back before taking the passenger seat.
It was not a difficult trip, there was still plenty of sun left and the rush-hour traffic had completely cleared out.
“Why don’t you call Toni and give them an update,” Claire suggested.
Jack pulled his phone out of his pants pocket and selected the number. Ernst answered. Jack quickly gave him the details of the bottom line—things were not looking very promising, but Bud was still alive.
“I’m sure that he’s not in a lot of pain,” his stepfather told him. “At this stage the groans he makes can be a good sign. Being able to verbalize at this point is an indicator of continued brain function. He’s not that far away from consciousness.”
“Thanks,” Jack said. It wasn’t hope, but it was reassurance.
“Toni and the kids are cleaning up the kitchen,” Ernst said. “I’m sure everybody wants to talk to you.”
Jack spoke with the children first. Zaidi sounded so grown-up.
“How is your grandfather, Daddy?” she asked. And when he answered, she responded with all the right conciliatory phrases.
“Don’t worry about us,” she told him. “We’re great here with Toni and Pops. They’re really keeping control of the twins. Toni makes them take naps in separate rooms. Mom could never get them to do that!”
If Peyton and Presley were truly under the thumb of their grandparents, they had apparently not yet noticed it. Both seemed happy and enthusiastic. Though Presley did have her one
somewhat sad moment.
“We miss you, Daddy,” she said. “When are you ever coming home?”
“As soon as I can,” he promised. “As soon as I can.”
A minute later Jack’s mother was on the phone and he gave her the same, if less clinical, version of the update he’d relayed to Ernst.
“Oh, honey, I’m so, so sorry,” she said.
“I appreciate that, Mom,” Jack answered. Then he almost changed the subject, to ask how the kids were getting along. But he’d already heard the answer for himself, and there was something else that was more pressing on his mind. “Claire told me that I lived with Bud and Geri when I was a baby,” he said. “I guess I didn’t know that.”
There was a hesitation on the other end of the line.
“Yes, you stayed with them until you were almost five,” she answered. “I phoned every Sunday and I flew up there about once a month to see you. I suppose I was hoping you didn’t remember all that. It was the right thing to do at the time, I think. But I still feel guilty about it. Our children are children for such a short time. In hindsight it just feels very wrong to have spent so much of it away from you.”
Jack was surprised at that admission. His mother always seemed so in control of her world. Somehow, hearing her admit to imperfection in parenting made him want to defend her.
“From my standpoint, you don’t have anything to feel guilty about,” Jack told her. “I had a great childhood. And my screwups, like not finishing college and marrying too young, those weren’t your fault, they were mine.”
“I don’t consider those screwups,” Toni said. “Not everybody has to go to college. And you were never the kind of fool to risk letting someone as right for you as Claire get away.”
Jack glanced over at his wife behind the steering wheel.
“Thanks, Mom,” he said.
“And I’m so glad she’s decided to come help you in the business,” Toni continued. “She’s very clever and she keeps you focused on the things you really want to do.”
Jack chuckled lightly, but his mind was still mulling her first statement.
“And tell her that I’ve spoken with Emily, Eloise’s daughter. She’s thrilled to work part-time with the kids.”
“Uh…okay, I’ll tell her.”
They said their goodbyes and Jack snapped the phone shut and slipped it into his shirt pocket.
“Everybody’s okay,” he told Claire. “The kids miss us and Zaidi has matured so much she sounds about ten years older.”
His wife smiled. “I hope that’s just temporary,” she said. “With Presley being so rough and tumble, Zaidi seems like the only little girl I’ve got.”
Jack laughed. “Think of all the money we’ll save not having to buy another round of those pink-and-purple princess outfits.”
“True,” Claire agreed.
“Mom said to tell you that Eloise’s daughter has taken the job,” he said. “And she said that she’s glad you’re back working with me.”
Claire made a face. “Whoops,” she said. “I guess I should have mentioned it to the boss before I rehired myself for the job.”
“They say the husband is always the last to know,” he replied. “It will be a big help,” he continued. “I can’t even imagine what kind of mess we’re going to go back to. It will be wonderful to have someone I can trust to help me clean it up. Thank you for doing this.”
“Don’t thank me,” Claire answered. “The truth is, I’ve really sort of wanted to come back to work. I’m really torn. I love being home with the kids and I think it’s the most important job I can do. But I miss the action and I miss…I miss being in it with you.”
Jack nodded thoughtfully.
“I’m sure there’s a way you can still be part of the business and also do a lot of the parent things that you really want to do. There’s no rule that says you can’t work out of the house. And with phones and e-mail we can juggle a lot of things at the same time.”
“That’s what I’m hoping,” she said. “I want us to set up an office at the house. Not just a corner of the dining room, but an area where I can get some real work done.”
“Okay,” he said. “We can do that.”
“I was thinking of that room off the left of the foyer. I know it’s supposed to be a little formal sitting room, but I think it’s got lots of good light and with some shelving, it would be good to go.”
Jack just stared at her at first not comprehending. Foyer? Formal sitting room? It was at least a half minute before recognition dawned.
“You mean in the new house?”
“Yes,” Claire said. “It’s so much closer to the office and there is a lot more room there.”
“What about the school and the neighbors?”
She shrugged. “Anywhere you live you’ll have neighbors and whether they’re good or bad depends a lot on you. And the school, well, of course the school is great and Zaidi will miss it. The twins have barely started, they won’t know the difference.”
“The new school is not nearly as highly rated,” Jack pointed out. “And it has a genuine problem with overcrowding.”
“Kids still manage to learn there,” Claire said. “And our children are very bright.”
“And bright kids deserve an excellent school.”
“All kids deserve an excellent school,” Claire said. “And some neighborhood schools are going to be better than others, but bright motivated educated kids come out of every school. And parents sometimes have other factors to consider.”
Jack held up his hands. “Wait a minute, I’m getting confused,” he said. “You’re giving my arguments and I’m giving yours. Have we switched sides? Is that also something you forgot to tell me?”
She sighed slightly and then laughed. “I guess so,” she said. “I just…I don’t know…the situation has changed and…you know, Aunt Viv said something about picking my battles and Aunt Sissy suggested I wasn’t looking at what’s really important. And then I was thinking about Mrs. Butterman and how she’s lashing out at our business when she’s angry at Dana, not realizing she’s aiming in the wrong direction. And it just made me think that I was looking at our…our problems just one way. So I gave myself the opportunity to consider your side of things and it seems like you make a lot of good points.”
“Thanks,” Jack said. “You don’t know how long I’ve waited for you to say that. But you know what the bad news is? I’ve been thinking about this myself.”
He settled down more comfortably in the seat as he gathered his thoughts.
“Being here in Catawah, being in Bud and Geri’s little house, it’s been kind of nice,” he said. “It’s not big or fancy in any way, but you have a sense that the place is home and that a lot of love has been lived through there.”
Claire nodded. “That’s right. It’s almost as if the warmth of it oozes right out of the walls.”
“I’ve been doing a few small repairs and fix-ups,” Jack continued. “And I’ve remembered that I like that kind of thing. I actually find it kind of relaxing, maybe even purposeful. So I don’t mind having an old house that needs a bit of attention.”
“Yeah, I remember when we first moved in our old place,” she said. “Every weekend you were up before breakfast working on some project.”
Jack agreed, then offered a heavy sigh. “With what’s going at work, I don’t even know how bad it’s going to be yet. It may be just a few rough weeks trying to re-sell our old jobs and come up with some new ones. Or it may be a real problem. I feel like I don’t even know Dana. I’m no longer sure that she wouldn’t deliberately sabotage us.”
“Surely she won’t,” Claire said. “It wouldn’t even be in her best interests.”
“Well,” Jack said. “Whatever happens, happens. But I think I could be a lot less pumped up about it if I didn’t have that huge extra mortgage hanging over our heads. I was thinking that I’d like to put the new house up for sale. The new owners could finally pick the tile and the colors.
”
By the time they’d arrived at the house at the end of Bee Street in Catawah, Claire was happy, smiling.
“I just feel so relieved,” she told Jack.
“Relieved? Hey, you won, the least you ought to feel is jubilant,” he teased.
“I’m too tired for jubilant,” she answered. “Just let me get a few hours rest and something to eat and I promise I’ll be dancing all over the place.”
“Just so you don’t forget to say nanny-nanny poo-poo, I beat you.”
“I can’t really use that,” she told him, feigning seriousness. “You changed sides, so that makes you the winner and poor me, I’ll probably never get a giant stucco mansion in the middle of a sterile subdivision.”
They laughed together. It sounded very good to her.
“I’m going to take a shower, I’m all grimy,” she told him.
“Okay, I’m going to see if I can glue these pieces together and get the clamps on them tonight.”
He headed to the wood shop and she headed to the shower.
It felt so good to get the smell of the hospital washed from her skin, and the stream of hot water revived her. She found herself singing. It was not one of the songs of her teen years, or one she sang to the kids. It must have been from one of the old phonograph records under the bed. She la-la-la-ed in places where she didn’t know the words to “Everybody Loves My Baby, but My Baby Don’t Love Nobody but Me.”
She was still humming after she shut the water off and dried herself with a towel. She’d meant to fix Jack and herself a sandwich. And she wanted to call the hospital for an update. But when she caught sight of the bed, she couldn’t resist it and she just crawled right in. It felt so good to lie down.
Jack came into the room.
“You want something to eat,” she asked him.
“No,” he answered. “Too tired to chew. You?”
Claire’s negative reply was partially muffled by the pillow.
A few moments later, she could hear him in the shower, and she realized he was singing. She smiled as she drifted off to sleep but roused a few minutes later when he got in bed beside her and pulled her into his arms. He held her close against him and rubbed her back. She hadn’t realized how much it ached until it began to feel better. He ran his hands down the long length of her. Then he kissed her, softly and sweetly, allowing his lips to linger and then to trace the distance between her mouth and her neck. He buried his face against her throat and his sigh was a warm caress against her skin. She could happily lie there forever, but with a peck on his check she pulled away.
