by Shayla Black
“Almost as good as you.”
“You deserve happiness with a man who loves you to the moon and back. Why don’t you marry him? For real.” Beck sat back. “You and I never had a normal marriage, and you don’t need a ‘husband’ to keep you safe from overzealous customers anymore.”
“I don’t,” she admitted. “I haven’t turned a trick in years. It’s nice being the madam. Saves some wear and tear on my pussy, too.”
“Gee, thanks for sharing that tidbit.”
“You know me…” She shrugged. “I appreciate the security blanket having a ‘husband’ gave me.”
“But you don’t need it anymore.” The security had once benefitted him, too, but their union had long ago served its purpose. They’d certainly never been in love, but neither had found any reason to pursue a divorce…until now. “I can have my lawyer draw up the papers. Just say the word.”
“Are you ready?”
“I’ll be fine.”
Gloria studied him. “Tell me about this woman who’s distracting you.”
Beck would rather not confess everything like some sappy, lovesick teen, but no one knew him better.
He blew out a breath. “Her name is Heavenly.”
“Sweet scene name.”
“She’s not from the club. Hell, she doesn’t even know it exists, much less that I’m a member. Heavenly is her real name. I met her at work.”
Gloria’s brow took on a disapproving arch. “Work?”
“I know you taught me never shit where I eat, but she…” He groped for the words. “Well, she’s a volunteer and… Fuck!”
“She’s got you by the balls?”
“I wish she’d put her hands on my balls,” he grumbled. “But I haven’t even kissed her.”
Coffee caught in Gloria’s throat, and she nearly choked. “Excuse me?”
“Want to hear the even-more-shocking part? Since I met her, I’ve tried to take a couple of subs to my room, but…” He shook his head. “I’m not interested in anyone else.”
That took Gloria aback. “You’re serious?”
“Yeah. I’m not acting like myself. At all. I feel stupidly off balance.”
“The last few times we talked, I knew something was up. What are you going to do?”
“Nothing.” Beck tossed his hands in the air. “What do I know about vanilla dating?”
“Your knowledge would probably fit in a thimble,” she acknowledged. “When did you meet her?”
“Almost a month ago.”
Gloria gaped at him, slack-jawed. “Holy shit, Ken. You haven’t gone a month without sex since you were sixteen.”
“Nope. But Heavenly is a virgin. You know how I feel about that.”
“Yeah.” Gloria scowled. “How old is this girl, anyway? Thirteen?”
“Ha! No. That’s the gap between our ages.”
She tsked. “Honey, that’s basically the same gap in our ages.”
“You and I are different.”
She laughed so hard she cackled. “Is that what you’re telling yourself?”
Beck glared. “Why don’t you ask me the obvious question? I know you’re dying to. C’mon… How the hell does a pervert fall for an innocent young thing?”
“You’re not a pervert. Well, not the criminal kind.”
“Thanks,” he returned tartly. “If Heavenly knew the truth, she’d probably think I was.”
“Did you ever think I was?”
He’d been sixteen and homeless when she’d taken him off the streets and given him a new life. “Hell no.”
“So why wouldn’t Heavenly count her lucky stars that she’d found a protector and a provider? And be grateful for your big heart?” It was her turn to squeeze his hand. “The look on your face says you don’t think so.”
“We have nothing in common, except a passion for medicine.”
“Yes, you do.” She gave him a knowing smile. “You simply haven’t figured out what yet. Tell me about her.”
“She’s sweet. Sassy. Shy.” He sighed. “Submissive.”
A big smile spread across her face. “She sounds perfect.”
“I doubt she’s ever heard of an erotic spanking, so how is she going to react when I whip out the single-tail?”
“Please… That kind of progress takes time. You suddenly lack patience?”
When it came to Heavenly, yes. He wanted all of her—her body, her soul, her submission—right now. And for the first time in a long time, he couldn’t simply take what he wanted.
“Even if I gave her a hundred years, I’m not sure she’d get there.”
Gloria frowned at him, and he could hear her now. You’re not giving yourself enough credit. You’re quitting before you’ve even started. He needed to make her understand. And if a picture was worth a thousand words, this one ought to do it.
Gut tensing, he pulled out his phone and scrolled through his pictures until he found the one of Heavenly he’d secretly snapped at lunch while pretending to read a text. Sun from the skylights lit her hair, illuminating it like a halo. She really did look like an angelic little girl. At a glance, heat flooded his veins. His pulse kicked up. His cock stirred.
“Here.” He flashed Gloria the photo he stared at every night while punishing his dick.
“Oh, my god.” She shot him a look of pity—as she repressed a grin. “She’s incredible. You really are screwed.”
“Glad you’re finding humor in this.”
“I’m laughing with you.”
“Do you see a fucking smile on my face?” He tossed the phone aside. Stood. Paced. “I have no control over how I feel and I hate it. What the hell is wrong with me?”
Understanding softened her eyes. “I think you’re falling in love.”
His stomach took a rolling plunge to his toes. “That’s not possible. It isn’t logical.”
“The heart never is.”
He plopped into his chair. “Shit.”
“Heavenly looks very fuckable. And if she’s stealing into your heart, she must be a good person. Why should any of that be a problem? Forget the age thing.” She waved his protest away. “I doubt she’s given it two thoughts.”
He let out a harsh breath. “She’s hung up on Seth.”
“Who the hell is Seth?”
“A friend of Liam’s who’s visiting from New York. He takes her on fucking picnics and sticks his nose up her ass like a damn dog. She’s too trusting to realize he’s a player looking to put another notch in his bedpost. She deserves more. Knowing he might be, even now, sweet-talking her out of her panties—and into her heart—is fucking crushing me.”
“Then why are you here? Get back to LA.”
“I always spend Christmas with you. I just wish that asswipe would go back to New York—and fucking stay there. God, what if I come home and he’s used her? Hurt her?” He gnashed his teeth. “I swear I will cut off his dick, throw him in a fucking ditch, and let him bleed out.”
“So much for your Hippocratic oath…” She was laughing at him.
“Some assholes don’t deserve to live.”
“That’s true enough. So what happens if he pops Heavenly’s cherry over the holidays? Would that change how you feel about her?”
Was Gloria really asking if he liked her for her hymen? “No.”
Though he’d be jealous as hell.
“This is fascinating, you know. She really has you unhinged.”
“She does,” he admitted. “And I don’t know why. The moment I looked at her, she did something to me. I’d write it off as simple lust, but every minute I’m with her, my feelings grow.”
“So let me get this straight… You’re worried Seth will seduce the woman you’re falling for but you’ve refused to touch since you’re a ‘pervert?’” Gloria shook her head like he was a dumbass. “Stop playing head games with yourself!”
“What would I do with a twenty-two-year-old virgin? Knit?” He threw his hands in the air. “I can see it now, me sitting beside Heavenly
as we make scarves for people in…fucking Siberia. While she’s swatching colors and showing me the perfect stitch, I’ll be harder than hell and dreaming about tying her up in yarn, then sliding my fat cock somewhere—anywhere—inside her. Sounds like buckets of fun, doesn’t it?”
Gloria burst out laughing. “Oh, my god. You should hear yourself.”
“Shut up. I’m vomiting up my emotions here. I don’t know what to do.”
“Is she attracted to you, too?”
“Yeah. She flirts. She asked if I was single. I catch her looking at me like she’s thinking something hot enough to make her blush. But Friday after her shift ended, we talked about school and the holiday…and Seth. Then the motherfucking prick pulled up, and she kissed me on the cheek like some dirty uncle. Then she bopped out to his car and blew me off with a smile, while he saluted me with one finger.”
“Poor baby.” Gloria tilted her head—never a good sign. That meant she was about to dig deeper. “What’s she supposed to think? This guy is pursuing her, and you’ve never given her any indication how you feel.”
Beck rubbed at the back of his neck. “Maybe you’ve got a point. But I’m a hardcore sadist. I doubt Heavenly dreamed her Prince Charming would get hard by spanking her ass red. She needs a patient lover with a tender, compassionate touch, not…me.”
“Oh, Ken. You can be tender and compassionate. It might have been a while since you’ve done the vanilla thing, but—”
“Try fifteen years.”
“It’s probably like riding a bicycle.”
“I’m not sure I’d even enjoy the bicycle anymore.”
“You, not like sex?” She scoffed.
“You’re missing the point. I’m seriously asking myself if I could give up kink for her and stay sane.”
Gloria squeezed his hand. “When we met, you were an angry man in a teenager’s body, needing a way to process everything, and there’s nothing more emotionally cleansing than sex. You helping subs purge their pain helped you to purge your own. But you’re not that kid anymore.”
Not only had Gloria saved him from life on the streets, she’d changed him from a boy to a man with patience and dignity. After sex, she’d refused to allow him to retreat behind walls of shame or pointless guilt. Instead, she’d merely lain beside him, warm and naked, and coaxed him to talk about his feelings. When she’d realized he craved control during sex, she’d introduced him to a Dominant who’d taught him what to do with submissives and pain sluts. Then nature had taken its course.
The woman understood him, always had. From her, he’d learned about closeness and trust. Never once had she let him wallow in uncertainty or self-defeat. Instead, she’d constantly assured him that nothing could hold him back but himself. Ultimately, she’d helped him mesh a new life with a new identity so he could become the man he was today.
Could that man possibly make Heavenly happy?
“I know you help masochists back in LA,” Gloria went on. “But do you need to? More than you need her?”
Fuck. “Thanks for not asking the hard questions.”
“You don’t come to me for easy. I pointed you down a sadist’s path to help you then, but I’ve always suspected that someday you’d take a different one. Maybe that day is here. Did you think you’d need that outlet forever?”
“Um…yeah.” It was ingrained in his habits, his psyche, his cock. “How do I make the sadist in me stop wielding a paddle or a whip? That’s like the surgeon in me cutting off my hand.”
She sent him a quelling stare. “Being a surgeon is a calling. Being a sadist is a choice.”
“Oh, then I’ll just find my local twelve-step program and quit beating asses cold turkey. No problem.”
“I didn’t say it would be easy or happen overnight. If Heavenly becomes your priority, your needs will probably change. And you never know, she might meet you halfway.”
Beck scoffed. “Do I need to show you her picture again?”
“How do you know she won’t surprise you? I did. The first time you saw me, you saw a hooker working a street corner. Did you think then I’d become your parental figure, lover, and wife-of-convenience?”
She had him there.
“When are you supposed to see her again?” Gloria asked.
“Next Monday.”
“That gives you a little over a week to figure out whether you’re going to remain just her friend…or be her everything.”
“I would love to be her everything. I just don’t know…” If he was the man for her. If Heavenly could accept him—flaws, kinks, and cravings. If he could fulfill her.
“Oh, honey. I understand. Your ghosts are haunting you. But it’s time to move forward.”
He froze. “Ghosts?”
“Come on. You’re too self-aware to play dumb. Heavenly sounds an awful lot like Blessing.”
The moment her memory whispered through his brain, Beck broke out in a sweat. The air thickened, choking him with regret.
He tried hard never to allow that.
“No. Heavenly is self-sufficient and determined. And so damn proud. She’s broke but chose to starve rather than ask for my fucking help. She pushes back…but now I buy her lunch every day. Trust me, she’s the last woman who’d ever let a man run her life. She’s not Blessing.”
“Okay, calm down. Just…if you decide to pursue Heavenly, make sure it’s not because you’re trying to atone.”
He fell deadly cold. “I can never atone.”
She tangled her fingers in his. “Ken, you have to forgive yourself someday.”
He jerked away.
“Try. Please.” Gloria sighed. “For me.”
Beck didn’t want to dig through the rubble of his past, pick open his years-old scars, and bleed. What would it change? But she never asked him for anything, goddamn it. And he respected her too much to refuse.
“Fine.”
“You know, if you want to talk, I’m always here for you.” She stood and dropped a hand on his shoulder. “And now I’ve got to get gorgeous for work.”
He watched as she hurried out of the kitchen. As she disappeared, he strode to the refrigerator and studied its contents. While Gloria showered and readied for work, he prepared pork fried rice, steamed vegetables, and a fresh fruit salad. Usually, he found cooking therapeutic, but tonight there was no joy as he sliced, diced, and stirred. His mind raced.
What was he going to do about Heavenly?
When dinner and small talk ended, Beck cleaned the kitchen. By the time he dried the last dish, he felt as if he’d engaged in a mental masturbation marathon. Worse, he was no closer to an answer. God, his friends would laugh their asses off if they had any clue how utterly an innocent blue-eyed blonde had long ago annihilated Shadows’ big, bad sadist. And how close a second one was to doing it again.
He slammed the dishwasher shut, then yanked his phone from his pocket, staring at his photo of the crux of his discontent.
If you decide to pursue Heavenly, make sure it’s not because you’re trying to atone.
Beck shoved his phone back in his pocket with a disgruntled curse. Fuck, was he subconsciously trying to repeat history so he could rewrite it? That couldn’t be his fascination with Heavenly…right? These feelings he couldn’t fight must be a sign she was something more.
“I’m ready,” Gloria called. “I’ll be back about nine tomorrow. Try to keep the overnight party to a dull roar. My neighbors think I’m respectable.”
He did his best to smile, but his head was too crowded. The walls were closing in. He had to get out of here and think. “Why don’t you let me drop you off?”
“You don’t have to, honey. I don’t work downtown or the slums anymore. I’m renting a bank of posh new condos with lovely views of the Strip. Each of the girls has her own apartment. It’s all very discreet and upscale. I have an office down the hall, along with security…”
“I want to drive around, catch up a little. My car is low on gas, and I’d rather take yours.”
Gloria shrugged. “Here are my keys. Don’t do anything I wouldn’t enjoy.”
Beck took the ring and headed to the garage, Gloria in tow. After climbing behind the wheel, he fired up her new Cadillac and left the subdivision in silence. Sagely, she didn’t speak and add to the noise in his head.
He’d dropped her off in a matter of minutes with a promise to return for her after sunrise. She waved him off after a compassionate brush of her lips on his cheek. “You’ll figure this thing with Heavenly out. You’re too smart not to.”
Right now, Beck wasn’t sure that was true.
Once she’d disappeared into the swanky building, he steered toward the highway. He fought the urge to rush home to Heavenly. Instead, he zipped in the opposite direction, up the ramp to Interstate 15, heading north toward the desert. There were no people or chatter out here. He could think.
Turning on both the heat and the stereo, Beck sped down the long, flat highway, not even sure where he was going. Was he running from his future…or facing his past?
As he sailed through the tiny town of Mesquite and zoomed over the border into Arizona, Beck had his answer. Past it was.
What could he possibly hope to find in the shithole he’d abandoned long ago? Closure? Forgiveness?
Answers.
Gloria was right. If he ever wanted more out of his relationships than pain and meaningless sex—if he wanted to figure out if he had any future with Heavenly—he had to come to terms with the nightmare he’d left behind.
Ninety minutes later, the mountain peaks reached toward the stars. Dread gnawed at him. But he’d come this far; he wasn’t stopping now. So Beck stomped on the gas pedal. It didn’t take long before familiar signs lured him off the interstate and onto another highway. His gut clenched as he traveled the last long minutes to hell.
Finally, he slowed, pulling into the all-too-familiar gas station and cutting the engine. The place looked older.
He stepped from the car. It was colder here, the air thinner, the wind more brutal.
Quickly, he pulled out his wallet and slid his credit card into the slot. He’d rather not be here, but after a couple of hours on the road, Gloria’s tank was empty, and this was the only game in town. He didn’t have a choice.
Didn’t that sum up his entire childhood?
