by M. R. Holman
order and then I'll join you," she said to her friend as she approached the counter.
"Good evening, how may I help you?" Steven asked as the werewolf reached the counter.
A drip of slobber stretched all the way from her mouth to the countertop as she perused the menu. "I'd like one of the scones and a cup of tea with plenty of sugar and just a hint of lemon, please," she said as she rested her forepaws against the surface of the countertop, glaring now at Steven.
"That'll be three Crypto Units, please."
The werewolf extracted one Three Crypto Unit bill and handed it to Steven, who exchanged it for a plate laden with a scone, and a saucer holding a mug of tea.
"Enjoy!" he said, as she traipsed to her friend's table. Steven watched them for a moment. He was glad that they were enjoying their coffee and scones, but he hoped that other cryptids would not be too intimidated to enjoy them as well. He was happy to serve his fellow werewolves, but did not want his new cafe to turn into a "werewolf café”.
As soon as this thought crossed his mind, he heard the bell over the door ring again, and saw the ears of the two werewolves perk up. He looked to the door and saw the two sasquatches he had seen when he initially arrived at the cafe. The male still seemed frightened and reserved, but the female appeared to be curious and open.
"Hello," Steven said in what he hoped was his most welcoming and unthreatening growl. "Welcome to the Cryptid Cafe, how may we help you this evening?"
The male sasquatch hovered near the doorway as though unsure if he really wanted to stay, warily eying the werewolves that were merrily chatting in growls and snarls. The female sasquatch, however, approached the counter.
"What is it that smells so good?" she asked in her deep but feminine voice as she deeply inhaled the aroma.
"Those are our scones. They're a big hit so far with all of our customers," he said, nodding toward the group of werewolves that were cheerily chowing down on their own scones.
"Fantastic. I'll have one of those, and a cup of unsweetened tea, and... Honey, what are you doing back there? Aren't you going to get anything?" the sasquatch said, looking over her shoulder. The male sasquatch begrudgingly approached the counter and stood at her side, browsing the menu.
"Coffee," he grunted simply.
"Alright, would you want anything added to that?" Gerald asked as he poured the female sasquatch a mug of unsweetened tea.
"No," the sasquatch said, not meeting either of their eyes.
"Would you like one of our famous scones?" Steven snarled politely.
"No."
"Alright then, that'll be five Crypto Units."
"... For a cup of coffee, a tea, and a scone?" the sasquatch asked combatively. Before Steven or Gerald could answer, the female sasquatch began to scold him.
"That's more than reasonable and you know it. You've been grouchy ever since you picked me up for our date this afternoon. You don't have to stay, you know..." she said in a sharp whisper that carried throughout the cafe. The two werewolves at the table stopped talking and eating and looked to the counter. The sasquatch closed his eyes and sighed deeply as though he was actually considering leaving, but upon opening them he reached into a fold in his dense, reddish-brown fur and extracted a Five Crypto Unit bill and handed it to Steven.
"Thank you," Steven growled professionally. "If you want to take a seat, we can bring your order to you when it is ready."
The two sasquatches walked to a table underneath the neon 'open' sign, the female leading the way. Moments later, Steven and Gerald delivered the scone, the tea, and the coffee to their table. The female sasquatch thanked them and began to tear into her scone immediately. The other sasquatch looked up at Steven sheepishly, and said in an apologetic whisper, "I think I'll order one of those scones after all."
Steven smiled in what he intended to be a warm way, though by the expression on the sasquatch's face, it had not been conveyed as such. He returned with a scone a moment later, and the sasquatch reached for a Crypto Unit. Steven stopped him, and whispered, "This one is on the house. Enjoy." He tipped an enormous wink at the sasquatch, and saw the ghost of a smile play across his ape-like face. His demeanor changed at once and he was suddenly relaxed. As Steven and Gerald left the table, they heard the two sasquatches laughing and talking, discussing the nature channel on the television, and repeatedly venerating the scones which Steven and Gerald were now sure would become the cornerstone of their new business.
More and more cryptids came and went throughout the night, but the two sasquatches stayed for the entirety of their date, until closing time arrived.
"Last call," Gerald shouted from behind the counter.
"Anymore scones? Anymore beverages?" Steven asked as the sasquatches rose from their table.
The male placed an enormous furry hand over his stomach and said, "I don't think I could have another scone even if I tried. Although I wish I could!" he chuckled.
"Thank you both so much for everything," the female sasquatch said as Steven opened the door for them all to exit.
As they walked into the clearing, the lights dimmed. Looking back, Steven saw that Gerald was pulling the beaded chain hanging from the neon 'open' sign. All in all, it had been a good first day in business, Steven reflected. When he looked back to the clearing, he saw the two sasquatches standing beside his toppled motorcycle. The male was gripping the handlebars, and in a swift, muscular motion he raised it to its proper upright position and placed the kickstand down into the dirt.
"Thanks again," the sasquatch called out, putting his arm around his date as they began to walk serenely into the forest. "We'll be back soon."
Steven beamed. Not only had the night gone as he had hoped from a business perspective, but the act of kindness displayed by the sasquatch confirmed his belief that non-werewolf cryptids were capable of realizing that werewolves were not so bad after all.
"Quite a grand opening, eh Steven?" Gerald asked in his cheery wooden voice.
"Quite a grand opening, indeed, my friend."
The two of them ensured each other that they would be on time in the morning, and bade each other good night. The werewolf crawled to the side of his motorcycle, curled into a ball, his tail covering his eyes, and fell asleep, instantly dreaming of the scent of scones and the kindness of strangers.
The Robot Loch Ness Monster: Trying Stand-Up Comedy Again
A reptilian head ascended from the rippling tides of Scotland's Loch Ness, peering around the surface like a submarine's periscope. The creature's head was the only thing in sight aside from a discarded potato chip bag floating atop the surface. In one fluid motion, the head rotated a full three-hundred and sixty degrees and lowered its long neck, submerging the head once more beneath the cool water. A line of bright green text displayed behind the creature's eyes, reading:
Surface Scan Results: Humans - 0. Weather Report - Fair. Humorous Observations - What's the deal with potato chip bags? I mean, come on, could they put fewer chips into those things?
The creature was actually not a creature at all. It was an autonomous robot that had been constructed by the real Loch Ness Monster, Nessie, to fulfill her monsterly duties when she could not be troubled to do them. Nessie had a very vibrant and fulfilling personal life and could not always ascend to the surface of the loch to frighten fishermen and such. To remedy the problem, she built her robot counterpart to take her place when the situation warranted it.
For the most part, Nessie's robot, which is generally referred to as Robot Nessie or the Robot Loch Ness Monster, performed its duties with much aplomb. It could swim faster than the real Nessie, it could hide better if the situation called for it, and it could even play the electric guitar better than Nessie, much to her chagrin.
Although Robot Nessie was designed and constructed well, there were a few programming errors that made themselves readily apparent from time to time. For one, Robot Nessie spoke with an Australian accent rather than a Scottish accent like the real Nessie. D
espite reviewing every single line of code, she could not find the mistake that lead to this malfunction. That discrepancy between Nessie and Robot Nessie did not matter much, as Nessie and Robot Nessie only ever spoke to other cryptids, and not to the humans which they encountered. It was actually somewhat beneficial as it provided a way for their peers to differentiate them.
The other programming error was much more bewildering. Robot Nessie was obsessed with stand-up comedy. The robot could simply not get enough of it. Nessie had a good sense of humor and had programmed her robot to have one as well, but something in the way she had worded the command prompts in the robot's artificial intelligence unit had left Robot Nessie with an insatiable desire to make other cryptids and mythological creatures laugh.
Robot Nessie was also programmed to be shy, however. Being shy was essential to the function and purpose of Robot Nessie, but it made its urge to perform stand-up comedy a constant source of anxiety and inner turmoil. Robot Nessie was constantly teetering on the verge of wanting to avoid every living thing, and rushing to the forefront of attention to tell a joke.
After being worn down over time, the urge to try stand-up had overridden Robot Nessie's shyness programming on several occasions. The results had not been very good thus far. There was no protocol in its artificial intelligence unit to deal with heckling, which unfortunately happened every
