I shuddered. She smiled wider, this time giving me a real show of teeth. It was clear who was in charge if I decided to take her up on her offer.
Carefully, I reached for her wrist and gently removed her hand from my body. I stepped back—again—and it took everything in me that belonged to me to tell her no. “Look, I don’t know what you did to me or why, but I know that you’re not using me for anything. I’m no one’s puppet. And I don’t kill for pleasure.”
“Whatever you need to tell yourself, darling. Anyway, why you kill is no longer relevant. Only that you do. I have chosen you for a reason, Alex Channing. I am the hand of the gods. You are the weapon in that hand. When I call your name, you will come.”
She wasn’t even touching me and that last bit had sounded sexual. I bit my cheek to keep from responding because I didn’t entirely trust myself in this moment. She was hot and my body was … well, it was science.
I needed to get out of here.
“I’m leaving,” I said and she laughed, a rich, throaty sound that made my insides curl.
I turned to go but her hand darted out and caught my arm, yanking harder than should have been possible for a woman as small as she was. When I whirled, she stared up at me with wide eyes that looked a little crazed. Her hand dropped low, and I flinched, barely managing to hold my gaze to hers as her hand closed over my traitorous erection, squeezing just a little too tight.
She leaned in and spoke close enough that her breath washed over me. “You will kill anything I tell you to,” she snapped. “You belong to me now. Don’t forget it.”
My nose wrinkled at the strong scent of alcohol on her breath. She loosened her vise-like grip and I yanked free, glaring hard in stony silence. With a final scowl, I turned and marched away from her. Back into the safety of the darkness. My head was spinning with everything she had told me. Not to mention my balls tingling weirdly from that bit at the end. The come-on and the threats.
She was evil; that much I knew for certain. And clearly with a taste for the sauce judging from the alcohol on her breath and her glassy eyes. Not an encouraging combination as villains went. And to top it off, we were bound somehow. Psychically, definitely. Physically, she clearly intended for us to be eventually.
Great.
Just what I needed with my new lease on life: a drunken reincarnated goddess with a magical hold on my psyche. Magic, I remembered grimly, always came with a price. Maybe Indra was mine.
Chapter Six
Sam
All the lights in the house were off. I stood on the porch, wedged beside the old rocking chair, and peered into the window. It was too dark to see anything, but I wasn’t giving up. My temper wouldn’t let me. Behind me, Brittany sat in the driveway, her car idling so she could keep the heat on. I wasn’t willing to return to her empty-handed. Back to the front door, I pounded on it with my fist, hoping the neighbors didn’t decide I was worthy of reporting.
“Open the damned door, Alex,” I yelled. “I know you don’t want to talk to me, but I don’t care. You’re going to listen to what I have to say and you’re going to give me answers.”
I banged on the door again, contemplating whether to attempt hopping the chain link fence around the corner and trying the back door.
Behind me, someone cleared their throat.
I whirled.
Alex stopped, one hand on the railing, one foot on the bottom step. He didn’t come any closer and I didn’t ask him to.
My stomach flip-flopped at the sight of him and it pissed me off. Now was not the time to appreciate the way he wore that sweatshirt or the sharp curve of his jawline and the liquidy warmth I felt inside when our eyes met.
Not a good time, libido.
“What the hell is your problem?” I demanded.
“You’re going to have to be more specific. I have several.”
I glared. “Why did you punch RJ? He’s your friend? And don’t tell me it’s none of my business.”
“Fine. I won’t. But it isn’t.” He went on before I could blast him for that. “But if you must know, we were having a friendly heart-to-heart and then we both got a little carried away.”
“Carried away? That’s what you’re calling it? Alex, what is wrong with you? Since the moment you woke up healed from the venom you’ve been different. What’s going on?”
“You’re right. I have been pre-occupied.” His gaze softened and he added, “I’m sorry. I miss you.”
My temper drained away against my will. I needed to be angry. He deserved at least that much from me. But when he talked like that, I wanted to believe him, and I could already feel myself caving. “You stopped talking to me,” I said, confusion making it hard to think straight. My words came out in a jumble, quiet and completely giving away all the hurt I’d planned to conceal from him tonight. “You just walked out and then you didn’t…”
“I know,” he said quietly.
He climbed the steps, his boots scuffing against the wooden planks, and closed the distance between us, wrapping his arms around me. I leaned in, letting him hold me, and inhaled the familiar scent of him. It was comforting, which struck me since it wasn’t like we’d had some longstanding relationship.
His walking out on me last week couldn’t even be called a break-up. We weren’t together. But we’d been more than this. Headed toward something. Especially after the night we’d spent in the woods behind Aunt Kiwi’s house. We’d joined out bodies at least. Become one for a moment. And now, we weren’t anything.
“Sam,” Alex said, his voice gruff and soft in the darkness.
I looked up at him, losing myself in his brown eyes and the contours of his cheeks. In the feel of his strong arms wrapped around me, holding me close to his chest. I didn’t even care that Brittany was watching. I just needed to touch him. To understand what had happened on a sensory level.
When his head lowered slowly toward mine, I rose on my tiptoes to meet him, clinging to his sweatshirt for balance.
The moment our lips touched, I knew something was wrong. He was cold, unresponsive and completely devoid of passion as his lips brushed robotically against my skin. I forced myself to hang on a moment longer, to give him a chance. Two more seconds was all I could take. His mouth moved against mine stiffly, as if I were a foreign specimen; or maybe it was kissing, in general, that confused him. I tried not to let the hurt show on my face as I pulled away and stepped back.
“Why are you—?” he began.
“What’s going on?” I asked quietly. “For real this time, Alex. No more excuses or bull shit.”
He hesitated and the ball of nerves in my stomach tightened. “Indra …” He started and then stopped. When I looked up, he was frowning deeply; an expression that probably matched my own.
I folded my arms over my chest. “What about Indra?” I asked, again ignoring the pang of jealousy that came with her name on his lips.
“She healed me,” he said slowly as if choosing his words carefully.
“I got that. I was there, remember?”
He sighed but it sounded frustrated. Angry. What could possibly have him pissed at me? “Remember how I told you there’s a price for doing magic?”
“I remember,” I said.
“Well, maybe the more powerful the magic, the higher the price. I don’t know but I do know I’m the one paying the price for mine.”
“What do you mean?” I asked, the hairs on my neck prickling in a wary sort of anticipation.
“I’m numb, Sam.” He blinked back at me and then thumped his fist against his chest. “I can’t feel anything.”
“But the doctors ... RJ said they cleared you. That you’re fine,” I began.
He shook his head slowly. “Not physically. Emotionally. I’m numb emotionally.”
I bit my lip as understanding slowly dawned. “So, that’s why you walked out that night. Why you haven’t called or come by. For me, you feel…?”
“Nothing,” he said matter-of-factly, and I winced, his wo
rds a slap in the face.
“I see.” My voice was small and barely audible. He felt nothing? After everything we’d—
“When were you planning on telling me?” I asked, trying like hell to keep my voice from breaking. “Or maybe you weren’t planning on it.”
“I really wasn’t sure,” he admitted and even though I tried to tell myself he deserved points for honesty at last, I couldn’t quite get past the admission.
Alex felt nothing. For me. For anyone.
“I didn’t know for sure until tonight,” he was saying and I blinked hard to focus on his words rather than lose myself to the heartbreak they were causing.
“What happened tonight?” I asked. “Aside from you punching your best friend in the face.”
He didn’t react to that and I knew then he wasn’t lying about not feeling. “I saw Indra. She confirmed it.”
At the mere mention of her name, a surge of jealousy and fury rose up, washing over me like a blanket of insecurity. Choking me. “Sounds like you two had a great time,” I said.
“Indra’s magic isn’t like yours,” he went on and I gritted my teeth.
It was bad enough that I was comparing myself to her. My magic to hers. Now, Alex was going to do it for me?
“Spare me the torrid details, Alex,” I managed.
“That’s not what I…” he trailed off and then grabbed my arm, squeezing tight as he sucked in a ragged breath. He was pale and his expression was strained. Twice he opened his mouth and closed it again without a sound. Finally, he sighed and shook his head at some inner battle he seemed to be having with himself. “Listen.”
I fell silent more from the jolt that shuddered through him than his demand—as if even that one word had been a hard-won struggle.
“This is important,” he said quietly, his gaze fastened intently on mine. “Outside of the forest, after we saw Sushna, do you remember what you said to me? About using your magic to take instead of give?”
“Yeah,” I said uncertainly. “I remember.”
“Well, Indra gave,” he said with a snort. “She gave a lot more than I bargained for, and now there’s this … sort of dark feeling inside me. I don’t know. I feel full all the time. And it’s like it needed the space so it shoved out what wasn’t necessary. Including my emotions. I want to feel. I want to go back to who I was before… Anyway, I want to, just so you know. I just… can’t.”
Silence fell between us. I didn’t know what to say or even think about what he’d just described. It didn’t sound like my magic at all. Maybe Indra wasn’t like me after all.
“I don’t know what to think about that,” I said finally.
“Magic always has a price,” he said quietly.
My gaze snapped to his, searching the emptiness behind his eyes for answers. “And you think this is your price to pay for being healed?” I asked, remembering what he’d told me about his mother. About her magic and the way he’d watched her deteriorate from using it. Or at least that’s what he’d assumed as a kid. We’d promised to talk about it later and I’d let it drop but “later” hadn’t come. Not until now.
He shrugged. “Maybe.”
“Alex, listen to me. The price for magic isn’t what you think. Sure, there is balance. But what happened to your mom… what happened to me… It wasn’t what you think. In fact, it’s the opposite.”
“What are you talking about?” he asked but he sounded weary. Of the conversation. Or trying to convince me. Or himself.
But I pushed on, determined to try and reach him even if it was only with facts rather than feelings. “Magic, or energy, has to be used or else it spoils. It’s like … I don’t know, like milk. It has an expiration date. You have to expel it and if you don’t, it festers. That’s what happened to me when Wes erased my memory. It blocked my magic and it festered and then leaked out or manifested in other ways. Like my fear.”
“How do you know that’s what happened to my mom?” he asked.
“I don’t,” I admitted. “But I know that’s what happened to me. I’m not going to lose my mind from doing magic. But I will go crazy if I don’t do magic. I know you wanted to protect me and I realize now that while you meant well, I should never have agreed to let Indra heal you. You’re still infected, Alex. Different but not better.” He didn’t say anything and I was blinking furiously to keep the tears at bay now. “I’m not going to stop using my magic. I’m going to figure it out. And I’m going to use it to heal you once and for all. I won’t lose you.”
I stepped closer again and he watched me warily from his perch on the top step. “Sam, I can’t give you what you want. I honestly can’t even say that I care whether you succeed.”
I ignored the sting of his words but my gaze fell to the wooden planks at our feet. “You don’t have to. I let Indra heal you and look what happened. It wasn’t for her to do this. Or for you. It’s for me.”
When he didn’t respond, I finally looked up at him.
He pressed his lips together and looked away. “I don’t know what to say.”
“You don’t have to say anything. But stop punching your friends.” His lips twitched and for some reason, knowing he could still smile made me feel better. I was still hurting from his brush-off but I believed what he said about Indra’s magic and the side effects. All I had to do was remove what she’d given him.
“Why did you kiss me if you don’t feel anything?” I asked.
He shrugged and looked back at me. “I guess I thought kissing you might help.”
I shook my head and growled in frustration. “Like some backward Snow White or something?” I demanded. “Alex, this isn’t a fairy tale. This is real life. And I’m not okay with being used like that.”
“Fair enough.”
The way he watched me evenly, no shred of remorse or guilt or even attraction, was unnerving. Even his cocky smile would have been okay right now. But there was nothing.
“I’m sorry, Sam,” he said but the words were wooden. Empty. And it ruined the small space of solid ground we’d just found together.
My temper flared. It was literally the worst thing he could’ve said. It was a break-up and a lie rolled into one, and right now, I hated him for it.
“No you’re not. But you will be,” I said quietly. “I’m going to take down your little goddess-girlfriend. And then I’m going to find a way to heal you for real this time. When I do, you’ll feel something. And I hope by then I still care whether it’s pleasure or pain.”
He didn’t move as I stepped around him and made my way down the porch steps and across the lawn to Brittany’s car. He didn’t call my name or even look back as I got in and slammed the door and buckled up.
Brittany backed out without a word and I was glad she had the sense not to ask me what had just happened. Despite all of the admissions and truth he’d shared with me, I really had no idea what had just happened between me and Alex. Words, yes. An explanation, sort of. But the emotional roller coaster was unexplainable. The hurt and heartbreak that I’d walked in—and out—with wasn’t something I wanted to talk about.
I remembered what Mirabelle had said about him that first day in Oracle. And I wondered if she knew how prophetic her words would really prove to be. Because she was right. She’d been right all along. Alex was broken. And I had no idea how to fix him.
Chapter Seven
Alex
I reread the note on the kitchen counter and then crumpled it into my fist before tossing it aside. I’d heard RJ in here early this morning, but figured it was just another day for him, making breakfast before heading out for guard duty. By the time I’d come down, he was already gone. All that was left was the sloppy note in his handwriting on the back of a receipt for tacos.
Staying at Sam’s. Don’t forget trash on Wednesdays.
He didn’t say why he was staying elsewhere, but he didn’t have to. I knew it was due to our fight yesterday. And probably my conversation with Sam last night. I’d tried to call Tara aft
er Sam left to ask about my clearance for duty but it had gone to voice mail. Hell, even Edie had stopped returning my calls. Everyone I knew was on the Alex-hating train, and Sam was the conductor.
I’d actually tried telling her everything last night but the words wouldn’t come. Anything I tried to say about the infected werewolves and Indra’s admission of involvement was strangled. I couldn’t even breathe when I thought about mentioning the name Ea to Sam—much less utter the sounds it would take to make them words. It was strange and I had a feeling it wasn’t an accident. Whatever Indra had done to me—whatever she’d put inside me—had come with one rule.
First rule of knowing Indra’s the villain: don’t tell anyone Indra’s the villain. Whatever. It didn’t matter.
By now, they all knew what my real ailment was. Not that I cared. But I suspected they did. Care, that is. I suspected they were all going to freeze me out just as I’d done to them this past week.
And it sucked because unfortunately, Indra was right. I desperately wanted to kill something. Feral werewolves had been the only acceptable target. And now, I didn’t even have that. Well, not officially. What I did as a private citizen was my business, right?
I huffed at that, berating myself for a thought that would get me locked up quicker than any human crime committed. But this aggression I felt wasn’t budging, and I knew the longer it brewed, the more dangerous it was going to become.
I couldn’t ignore the pull anymore. With no hunter business on the horizon and no interest in winning back the girl, I only had one option left. I grabbed an apple on my way out and headed for Indra’s. She was going to give me answers or I was going to take my aggression out on her Sumerian statue collection.
In the back of my mind, I knew there was a third option where I could go looking for a way to get this dark magic out of me and get my emotions back. But that was the thing with a lack of feelings. I just didn’t care enough to try.
Esperance: (New Adult Paranormal Romance) (Heart Lines Series Book 3) Page 5
