I felt my heart quicken slightly, my breath growing more heavy. “I do like you. I just...”
His eyes returned to mine. “Just what?”
“I don't know Crash. I mean, we're so different. I don't just sleep with guys randomly. It's not me.”
“And you think that's what I wanted? You think I'd treat you like that?”
I didn't really know what to say. I felt awkward talking about this. Literally everyone had warned me off him, told me he wasn't someone to get involved with. I didn't have a clue what to think.
“I don't know. I don't know you really.”
He was shaking his head lightly. “No one does,” he said, his voice dropping. “No one knows who I really am. I get it Elle. I know what people have probably said about me. I know what you probably think.”
He turned and looked towards the door.
“I walked away because I like you Elle. There's something about you that draws me in. You're not like the sort of girls I know. But...”
His words hung in the air for a moment.
“...but I can't see you. Not right now.”
I felt a real conflict inside of him. It was like he wanted to lean in and kiss me but couldn't, but wouldn't.
I reached out and took his hand in mine, his eyes turning back on me. “You don't have to be Crash with me, you know. You don't have to be that guy. If no one knows who you really are, show me.”
I felt his hand tighten on mine, his hazel eyes lowering to my lips. He sat there looking at me, a solemn stare on his face like he was weighing things up in his mind.
I wanted him to lean in and kiss me, I wanted those soft lips on mine. I wanted more. I wanted his hands to caress my body, his fingers to brush through my hair. I wanted his lips to spread over my neck and down. I wanted his hands to touch me where I hadn't been touched in months. I wanted the feel of his warm body next to mine. I wanted it all.
But I wouldn't instigate it. I wouldn't force it.
If he wanted it too, it was down to him.
His hand slowly slipped from my grasp, the tips of his fingers lightly brushing past mine as he stood, slowly, and turned again at the door.
“I'm sorry Elle,” he said, his words now almost a whisper. “I can't be here any more.”
He turned and looked at me, my eyes full of want, a desire for him building inside me.
“I have feelings for you. But I can't act on them now. Not right now.” His voice turned less emotional, more businesslike, his mind directing towards other things.
“But I'll always be there, OK. If you ever need me, I'll be there.”
Those were his final words to me. He turned back towards the door and walked briskly towards it, opening it quietly and disappearing out into the hall.
I lay there in silence once more, a heavy weight of disappointment and loss filling me up from the core.
They say you don't miss what you've never had. That was bullshit.
I'd never had him, but I missed him already. The idea of him, the thought of him, the fantasy that we might be together.
It was all just a dream, one that would never become reality.
And yes, call me stupid, but I couldn't help but miss that.
Chapter 19 - Crash
Crash
I stood in a large meeting room. There were several men sat around the table, each with files and folders and pads and pens in front of them. At the head of the table sat Walter Lithgow, his manner entirely professional and businesses-like.
Not like the last time I'd seen him.
He'd called me early the next morning to tell me that he'd concede, admit defeat, convince the other investors to accept his change in direction. He'd made that phone call two days ago. Now it was his chance to prove to me, in person, that he'd truly live up to his word.
My mind was set in a single direction now. My tunnel vision was all consuming. Make the deal, get all the necessary paperwork for my new project signed off, and then deal with Lithgow in whatever manner I saw fit.
He thought he'd given me all I wanted. The spineless old fuck would soon realize that that wasn't the case at all.
I wanted his life as well.
“Right gentlemen, shall we begin.” His words rung out, loud and proud, across the room, bringing to a close conversations and the scribbling of fountain pens.
Everyone turned to him and waited in silence. They were yet to know exactly why they had been gathered together so promptly, and exactly why I was there.
“You all remember Mr Logan here. He delivered a wonderful proposal for a casino which we all thought had fantastic long term potential.”
There was a muttering of agreement as people turned towards me and back to Lithgow.
“Now, as you know, we decided in the end to favor another project. I have called this urgent meeting to discuss the option of reverting to Mr Logan's proposal.”
I sat in silence, smiling politely as people turned to me. I didn't have to play any part in this. No longer was it my job to convince these men of my worth. No, I'd passed the baton to Lithgow now.
A man stood up. I remembered him as Bruce Cromwell, a man who hadn't been so keen on my proposal from the start. He'd questioned me extensively on it, eventually saying that it was too high risk.
“Walter, didn't we agree that Mr Logan's project was a little, I don't know, risky. This real estate venture will secure us a very high return on our investment, and fast. And a casino? Is that not a little immoral? Call me old fashioned, but I don't like to invest in vice and addiction.”
He glanced over at me as he sat back down. The stupid naive fuck. What he called vice and addiction, I called entertainment. He was living in the fucking Dark Ages.
“Obviously Bruce, I understand that this is a bit of a turnaround from my part. However, after extensive thought I have seen the long term potential in such a venture.”
He looked directly at me, holding his hand out in my direction.
“I have also come to see that Mr Logan here is an investment in himself. He has a great deal of ambition, and that will see our banks accounts swell in years to come. We won't stop at one casino. We're going to turn the entire plot into a Las Vegas of the North, a mecca for gaming, entertainment, and wonderful dining in this humble part of the country.”
Fine speech. The old shit was playing his hand well.
A sensed a stirring in the room. Wealthy men such as these were always seduced by the promise of greater gains. I'd told Lithgow of my ambition to build an empire, not just a casino. These men would benefit from my graft over the years, but not him.
“But this doesn't change the moral ambiguity of all of this,” said Cromwell. “I don't know how comfortable I am investing in such an enterprise.”
I was having trouble keeping my mouth shut at the end of the table. I'd done my best to explain the virtues of casinos to him before when I made my initial pitch. Perhaps now would be the time to school him again.
No, I'd let Lithgow do the work. His tongue carried far more power than mine.
“Bruce, you have to accept that we are in business to make money. We're not talking about anything too seedy here, no one is going to be exploited. We are simply tapping into a market that is woefully underdeveloped in this part of the country.”
“I find that quite contrary to be honest Walter. Have you not built your reputation on family virtues and honest, sustainable businesses. We talked about this before. How can you now change your mind and opt for such an unethical enterprise?”
The words hung around the room as Lithgow's eyes moved from man to man, refusing to meet my own.
“That's true, but I have changed my position on this regardless. I don't look upon Mr Logan's project as being unethical. He has convinced me of its worth in our society. If you are unwilling to invest, that is your right. But this is the decision I've come to.”
There was silence in the room as all eyes fell to Bruce Cromwell. I saw his mind work things over, the cogs turnin
g and turning to come to a conclusion.
“Think it over Bruce,” Lithgow said finally. “Give me your decision tomorrow.”
He turned to the rest, standing up and leaning on the desk. “I assume the rest of you are with me?”
There was a murmuring around the room, no words of disagreement.
“Excellent. Now let us move forward with this quickly. The floor is yours Mr Logan. Please run us through the first phase of your plan.”
He sat back down as the group of investors turned towards me.
The floor was mine. The way I'd always wanted it.
....
The cork popped loudly and bounced off the ceiling.
“Fucking hell yeah gentlemen, we are out of the traps!”
I filled three glasses and passed them to Kyle and Jones. I raised my own to the heavens.
“To Jones, for all his wonderful work!” I smiled as he bowed his head at my compliment and took a sip of his champagne.
“Anything I can do to build the legacy of the Logan family,” he said.
“So what's the next step,” asked Kyle.
I hadn't really involved him in things as of yet. Frankly, he didn't need to be included. But now, now there was something I really wanted him involved in. Something that would prove his loyalty to this family, to my father, to our future.
“The next step, brother, is to right a wrong.”
He looked at me curiously. “What wrong?”
“The death of our father.” I said it with malice, a glint in my eye, a lust for revenge.
His eyes were different though. They widened as I looked at him, as I spoke of our father. He took a small step back, looking suddenly alarmed.
“What do you mean?” His words shook, lacking their usual calm.
“Lithgow.” I said. “I didn't tell you before because we still needed him to secure us the investment. But now, now there's nothing that will protect him.”
Kyle's eyes morphed from worry to confusion. He clearly had no idea what I was talking about.
“It was Lithgow Kyle. Lithgow ordered the hit on dad.”
He looked slightly shocked, taken aback by my reveal. I mean, I could understand that. He'd probably wanted to know just as much as me. He probably wanted revenge as I did.
“But how, why?”
“Apparently Lithgow and dad were old business rivals. Do you remember the murder of a guy called Michael Cooper about a month before dad was killed?”
He nodded, his eyes deep.
“Well, Cooper was also a business associate of fathers. They fucked him over - Cooper and Lithgow - and dad was getting revenge. He was the one who ordered Cooper killed...”
“How do you know that?” His words were rushed, cutting me off.
“Oh, that was Jones' doing again. He tracked this old stripper down - Jen - who admitted to doing it for him. I guess she must have worked for you down at the strip bar?”
He looked like a thousand memories were just rushing back towards him. “I remember Jen,” he said solemnly.
“Well, anyway. Turns out father ordered the hit on Cooper and was about to do the same to Lithgow until he took out dad first. Now that snake's gonna get what he deserves.”
A voice came from behind, Jones joining the conversation.
“Well, lets not forget Crash that we are speculating slightly.”
“What do you mean?” I said. He hadn't spoken of any doubts before.
“Well I never found any direct evidence that Walter Lithgow killed your father. Nothing links anyone to your fathers death. But, I do believe that Lithgow was to blame.”
I smiled. “That's good enough for me. I trust your judgement. And, in any case, he deserves it for what he did to dad years ago, for pulling the plug on that deal. The guy's a snake in the grass, and needs his head taken off.”
I took a swig of champagne from the bottle, my glass now empty. I had an insatiable lust inside me to see someone sent to the grave for my fathers death. Lithgow ticked all of the boxes. It was him, I had no doubt about it.
“So you're really going to kill a man without any evidence?” It was Kyle. “I don't know Crash. Dad killed Cooper, Lithgow kills dad. Where does it stop?”
“You're saying we should let him get away with it?”
“No, no, I'm not saying that. It's just, I don't know. If you kill him, then who's to say someone won't come and take you out. It's an endless chain.”
I shook my head. “No, it's not endless. It ends with Lithgow.”
I could see Kyle's head dropping, his eyes deep with some sort of guilt or sorrow or something. He looked like he didn't want to be involved.
That's exactly why he had to be.
Chapter 20 - Elle
Elle
I could feel the nerves beginning to spread through my body. They'd been building for days. Now they were coming to a crescendo.
Lexi stood beside me, a wide smile on her face. She didn't look worried at all. Quite the opposite, in fact. The brightness of her eyes made it clear that she relished this. I guess anyone who had the confidence to work as a stripper wouldn't worry too much about this sort of thing.
We were about to step out together onto the stage alongside the rest of our dance troupe. This wasn't like before. The only other time I'd danced publicly was when we did an impromptu performance in Trellers Square in the center of town. That had been nerve racking enough, but this was another kettle of fish.
The intention of that gig was to build a bit of interest in us. It had worked. Someone there had enjoyed the performance so much that they'd booked us in to perform again. This time it would be for real.
We stood together now, behind the curtain, listening to a man talking on the stage in front of us. I'd stupidly popped my head around the side earlier, looking at the swelling crowd gathering in the hall. I could feel my legs going weak at the thought of that curtain raising in a few moments. I'd never been so terrified in my life.
I could barely hear what the guy was saying. My mind was lost now, trying to focus on my moves, on the performance. Get in the moment Elle. You'll be fine.
A bit of positive self-talk was just what I needed.
I noticed the lights going down behind the curtain as the man's speech came to an end. The crowd began applauding as the curtain slowly rose, revealing us standing there in our black and white tights.
A spotlight shone down on the stage, blinding me from anything else. I could make out shapes and figures in the crown but there was nothing specific. I knew that hundreds of people had their eyes on me but I couldn't see them.
The performance began as my eyes slowly started adjusting to the sudden change in light, the crowd hushing as the music began playing. We set into our routine, our movements as one, everything so well choreographed.
We'd practised for days, weeks, making sure we'd get everything right, ironing out any potential problems to make it all perfect. If we performed well here, it might open the doors to other opportunities for the group.
The thought had enticed me greatly. Maybe, just maybe, we could become a proper professional outfit. Maybe I could dance for a living, make my passion my work. The idea made me even more nervous, even more anxious to do a good job.
One thing was for sure, though. If I was to start performing more often, I'd have to get to grips with this stagefright.
My nerves began to fade as we moved deeper into the performance. It was all a beautiful blur, a complete silence in the crowd as they watched on at our bodies sliding over each other in graceful movements.
My eyes continued to adjust to the light, faces at the front of the crowd beginning to come into view. They looked on, entranced, their eyes following me around the stage.
I began to feel more nervous, knowing that so many sets of eyes were on me. Every time I twisted and turned towards the crowd I couldn't help but glide my eyes across them, the faces all blurring together as they looked at me.
But one stuck out as I glanced. On
e face I knew. One face I never wanted to see again.
I thought I saw him, sitting there at the front, his eyes gleaming as they watched me. They were eyes I used to love, eyes I now hated.
Eyes that belonged to Brad.
I could feel myself losing my focus as I turned once more from the crowd, other girls moving around and in front of me. I took position, facing to the back of the stage, my heart now beating furiously.
Had I seen Brad? Was he really here?
The choreography of the dance led me back towards the crowd, my eyes turning back on them. I glanced across the front row once more but saw no one I knew. None of the faces stood out. Brad wasn't there.
I must have just imagined it.
The performance continued, building to a climax as I began to refocus. The crowd began clapping and standing, an applause that sent shivers of satisfaction through my body.
The lights came up, the room coming into clear focus. I stood there now as the other girls gathered in a line towards the front of the stage and bowed. I looked again at the faces at the front, sliding my eyes from one to the other as my pulse began to settle.
I couldn't see him. He'd never been there.
....
The buzz was incredible as we all gathered together backstage after the performance. For many of the girls dance was their lifelong ambition, something that they'd always wanted to do since they were kids.
No one epitomized this better than Lexi. She was so balanced and graceful, every single movement so precise. If she didn't make it as a dancer, no one would.
The girls were looking to celebrate with a couple of drinks after, but I needed to get home. I had exams coming up and had plenty of revision to get done. She tried her best to persuade me otherwise, but I wasn't going to relent. Honestly, after what happened last time I drank, I didn't want to touch a drop of alcohol for a while.
I stepped from the venue and out into the evening air. There was a crispness to it, a warmth that had been spreading in for the last few weeks. Summer had well and truly arrived now, the evenings growing lighter and longer under the lingering sun.
CRASH (A Logan Brothers Novel) Page 12
