“One day she told me you were dating Joe Miller. I didn’t even know the fucker went to A and M. His mom told my mom she thought y’all were going to be getting engaged and that a wedding would follow soon after.”
Paxton’s eyes widened in shock. “What?”
Dropping my hand, I took a few steps back and leaned on the other counter across from Paxton. “I went fucking insane with the thought of you marrying him. Hell, you simply dating him drove me crazy. All the guilt and anger I had tried to bury came rushing back. The thought that I walked away from the love of my life left me sick to my stomach. I told my mother I didn’t want to hear anything else about you. I forbid her to talk about you and if she brought you up, I’d threaten to hang up.”
Confusion laced her face.
“I met Kim at a party a few weeks after my mother told me you were getting engaged. She was supposed to make me forget, as fucked up as that sounds. I never felt a connection with her, but she was the total opposite of you. We dated for a bit, and I realized I needed to be honest with her. The night I was planning to break up with her was the same night her parents died. She was a mess for weeks. Her best friend talked me into asking her to marry me because she was afraid she would kill herself if she didn’t have anything to look forward to. I felt so guilty and if only I had known at the time all that guilt was for what happened with you and had nothing to do with Kim…”
I paused and took in another long deep breath. “At the same time, I was still angry about Joe and the idea of you dating him. I thought you had moved on, Paxton.”
Her brows pinched together.
My heart was pounding so fucking hard in my chest as I tried to get everything out as fast as I could. I’d waited so long to tell Paxton everything. Now that I was standing in front of her, I was more scared than ever that she’d hate me even more.
Taking in a deep breath, I continued. “So I asked Kim and we got married. It didn’t take me long to realize what a huge fucking mistake it was. I told Kim I wanted a divorce. Then I called Mom, told her I was coming back to Texas as soon as I graduated and get divorced. I was going to try and work things out with you.”
“What?” Paxton covered her stomach and her mouth like she was about to get sick.
“Pax? Are you okay?”
She shook her head. “No. I need to sit down.”
I was going to be sick. Steed was going to come home? He was coming back for me?
Sinking into the chair, I reached for the bottle of rum and went to take a drink when Steed took it. “Let me get you water instead, pumpkin.”
Pumpkin. Each time he called me the pet name my lower stomach pulled with want.
Steed opened the refrigerator and looked around for the waters. He handed me one, and I quickly took a drink. “Keep going,” I managed to say.
When his hand pushed through that dark brown hair, I had to hold back a moan.
“Um, well, I told Kim I wanted a divorce. She had told me she was on birth control, but even after we got married I kept using condoms.”
The idea of Steed sleeping with another woman nearly killed me. I knew he had of course, but hearing him say it hurt more than I ever dreamed.
“Was she…was she not?”
“I don’t know. I’m pretty sure she stopped taking them before we got married. From what I could piece together from her crazy ass friends, Kim saw an article in Texas Monthly that had my parents listed as one of the wealthiest families in Texas. She started talking about us moving to Texas. I knew that was never going to happen. It was then I realized I was lying to myself. I was in love with you still and I needed to get out of the marriage.”
I swallowed even though my throat felt like it was coated in cotton. “But she was pregnant?”
Steed’s eyes fell. “Yes. When she told me I felt sick. The only thing I could think was how it was supposed to be you.”
He slowly lifted his eyes to meet mine. “You were the woman I dreamed of marrying and having kids with. Even after I left Texas. Kim was nothing but a mistake.”
Pressing my lips together, I tried not to start crying again.
“Then the guilt hit. Hard. As much as I wanted to tell her it didn’t matter, I was too afraid to make the same mistake. I’d already told her about you. That I could never love her because I’d given my heart to another woman. She insisted the baby would change things. I knew it wouldn’t. I was too afraid to upset her though…if she lost the baby it would be my fault. Again.”
A tear slipped down his cheek and my heart ached at the sight. “Steed, it wasn’t your fault. Our child wasn’t meant to be.”
His head dropped and I sat there stunned as I watched his shoulders rock while he cried. “Every damn day I wake up and I think about it, Paxton. There’s not…there’s not a single day where I don’t think about it. I need you to know that.”
I couldn’t move. I was frozen in place as I watched Steed grieve for our child. Covering my mouth, I cried along with him.
“There was no fucking way I was doing it again. I couldn’t live with myself.”
My heart ached.
He wiped his tears and looked back at me. “So I stayed. And she had the baby and then I felt the guilt all over again because I fell madly in love with this…b-beautiful child. But she wasn’t…she wasn’t your child. I didn’t know how to deal with that. I had planned on telling Kim I wanted a divorce after she had the baby, but I wasn’t sure how the custody would work. When I did finally tell her, she threatened to take Chloe from me and said I’d never be able to find them.”
Steed took a few minutes to get his emotions in check as I sat there, silently crying, as I tried to let everything soak in.
“Kim never loved Chloe. The moment she was born, she pretty much had nothing to do with her. I learned pretty quick she was only after money. I tried like hell to get Chloe away. I begged Kim for a divorce. Each time I would bring it up she would make the threats about taking the baby, and say I’d never see them again. If I left the house without Chloe I would wonder if my daughter would be there when I got home.”
I shook my head as I tried to keep the bile down. How could a mother be so cruel? “Poor Chloe.”
“For years I tried to figure out how in the fuck to get away. One day Dad came up with the whole idea of cutting me out of his will. It took a while to do it. I didn’t want Kim knowing I was on to her. Dad made a fuss about me not coming back to Texas to help him full time with the ranch, we pretended to fight about it and he had fake documents sent to the house. I knew if Kim saw legal documents from Texas delivered to the house she would open them. Dad had it arranged to have them sent while I was at a meeting at the office. The next day she walked into my office at home with a lawyer, took out the legal documents and signed her parental rights away. Her exact words were, “I wasted seven years of my life on you. No more.”
I gasped.
“She didn’t even say goodbye to Chloe. She just left.”
Steed’s hands ran down his face while he let out a gruff laugh. “It’s so fucking confusing. I wish like hell I never walked away from you, but then I wouldn’t have Chloe.” Closing his eyes, he sucked in a breath as he attempted to hold his emotions in.
He failed.
When he looked at me, his eyes spilled over with tears. “I have Chloe, but I don’t have you. I have this amazing little girl who I love, but I don’t have the dream we both wanted. And the fucking vicious cycle of guilt keeps spinning around, and now here I am, and all I want to do is hold you in my arms and tell you how much I love you, Paxton. I’ve never stopped loving you. But I destroyed our dream and I don’t blame you if you hated me for that.”
My entire body started to shake. Everything spun. I slowly stood and walked over to him. I couldn’t help but notice how Steed held his breath as I stopped in front of him.
I wanted more than anything for him to take me in his arms and hold me. Tell me everything was okay because he was back.
But he di
dn’t. He didn’t move as his gaze locked on mine.
I took in a shaky breath, barely getting the words out. “I did date Joe for a while, but we were far from being engaged.”
Knowing what I was about to say was going to cause Steed further hurt, I should have stopped. But I didn’t, because everything needed to be out in the open for both of us to move on. I just wasn’t sure if we would be moving on together…or apart.
“I never even slept with him.”
There was no doubt I could see the sick feeling move across Steed’s face. “W-what?”
“We dated off and on, it was never anything serious. I have no idea why his mother would say that to Melanie. I never even visited his parents while we dated.”
It was in that moment that everything came full circle. Every stupid thing we said to each other in anger. Every mistake we each made. Every single regret, out in the open.
Steed covered his face with his hands and cried out as he slid down to the floor. He repeated the same three words while his body shook violently. “I’m so sorry.”
My heart dropped to my stomach as I fell to the floor next to him. I’d never seen Steed cry like this. He pulled me into his arms and buried his face into me, his body shaking as he let all his emotions out.
“Paxton, I’m so sorry. Please forgive me. Oh God. I’m so sorry.”
Closing my eyes, I held onto Steed as he wrapped me tighter in his embrace.
I had been wrong all those years. The storm cloud hadn’t only been over me. It had been over Steed as well.
Steed and I had been sitting on my kitchen floor for the last thirty minutes, neither of us saying a word. I cried until I no longer had tears left, and I was pretty sure the same was true for him.
Leaning against the cabinets, I turned to look at him. His head was resting against the cabinet as he stared straight ahead. My chest tightened at the sight of this man sitting next to me. I still loved him.
Probably more after what happened here than ever, but I was still hurting and I had no idea when I would be able to open my heart again.
Steed finally spoke. “There was this quote I read one time that always stuck with me.”
“What was it?” I asked.
“Fear is temporary, regret is forever.”
He turned and caught my gaze. “I’m never going to let fear lead me down the road to regret ever again, Paxton.”
His eyes dropped to my mouth where I instinctively licked my lips. “I love you, Pax. I’ve never stopped loving you and I’ll love you until the day I take my last breath.”
Dragging in a shaky breath, I whispered, “Steed, I—”
He held up his hand. “Wait. Let me finish, please.” Reaching for my hands, he guided me up along with him. Standing face to face, he searched my face with such an intense look it caused me to shudder.
“I don’t know where life is going to lead us, but I know I won’t stop fighting for us, Paxton. If it takes me the rest of my life, I’ll earn your forgiveness and love back.”
My heart had never beat so fast or so hard in my entire life. I’d been fighting the urge to kiss him since he first walked into my classroom. I was tired of fighting.
One kiss.
That’s all I wanted. All I needed.
Who am I kidding? I needed this man.
Taking a step closer, I captured his beautiful blue eyes with mine. “You never lost my love, Steed.”
His hands reached up and cupped my face.
Just one kiss.
Slowly moving closer, his eyes drifted to my mouth once more. I silently begged him to kiss me as he grew closer and closer. When his lips finally brushed against mine, I let out a soft moan.
It was a slow and tender kiss and my body came to life. Reaching up on my toes, I deepened the kiss a little more. Steed groaned into my mouth before pulling back just enough to break the kiss. He rested his forehead on mine and sighed.
“I’m sorry,” he whispered.
Closing my eyes, I replied, “Don’t say that. Not when I know we both wanted it.”
The doorbell rang, and we both jumped. I felt lightheaded and needed to grab onto the kitchen island to steady myself.
Steed’s eyes looked hungry with desire, but his expression was sad.
When the person rang the bell again, then knocked, I cleared my throat. “I better get that.”
He simply nodded while his fingers pushed through his hair. Shit, he is so damn hot when he does that.
Focusing on trying to get my breathing under control, I opened the door without looking to see who it was. My eyes widened in shock.
“Joe?”
A wide grin moved across his face as he purred, “Hey beautiful. Miss me?”
The pounding in my chest was echoing in my ears. I hadn’t needed the kiss to remind me of how much I loved Paxton, but when our lips met and our bodies rushed with energy, I knew deep in my heart that this was the woman I would love for the rest of my life. She was the reason my heart beat.
When the doorbell rang I silently thanked God. It was taking every ounce of strength not to pick up Paxton and lay her over the island and bury my dick inside of her. The constant battle between my head and my heart was getting exhausting.
I reached down and adjusted my rock-hard dick.
“Jesus, get a grip, Parker,” I whispered to myself as I walked to the bottle of rum. I poured a shot into the glass and went to drink it when I stilled at a familiar voice.
“Joe?”
“Hey beautiful. Miss me?”
What in the fuck is he doing here?
I tossed the shot back and set the glass on the counter.
Paxton stood there in silence for a little longer than I would have liked.
“Um, Joe now isn’t really a good time.”
His eyes lifted and met mine. When his smile faded, mine grew bigger. That’s right motherfucker. I’m back.
He let out a gruff laugh and said, “Steed Parker. I heard you were back in town. Planning on sticking around this time?”
Asshole.
“I sure do.”
Paxton cleared her throat and stepped in front of Joe as he attempted to walk in.
“Now’s not a good time, Joe.”
“Nonsense, looks like you’re having a bit of a reunion here.”
Walking around the island, I made my way into the living room. “And I don’t believe you were invited.”
Paxton glanced over her shoulder. “Steed. I can handle this.”
Joe laughed again. “So you think you can ride on back into town and pick up where you left off?”
“Excuse me?” Paxton said as she placed her hand on Joe’s chest. “I think you need to leave now, Joe.”
He looked down at her and then back at me. “You’ve got a lot of nerve showing up here, Parker.”
It was my turn to laugh. “You don’t even know why I’m here, asshole.”
“That’s enough, both of you stop. Joe, I’m asking you nicely, please leave.”
A frustrated expression moved across his face as he glared and then finally focused in on Paxton while pushing himself into her house. He grabbed her by her upper arms and shook his head as he spoke.
“Why, Paxton? Why would you let this lowlife back into your life? He left you, remember? He doesn’t love you and never did. All you were was a sex thing for him to play with until he found something better.”
I walked up to him and grabbed him by the shirt, pulling him away from Paxton.
“Fuck off, you son-of-a-bitch!” I hit him in the face, causing him to stumble back.
Paxton screamed and rushed to Joe. “Steed! Are you crazy?”
“He had his hands on you, Paxton. I’m not going to let him touch you and say bullshit things like that.”
Joe wiped the blood from his mouth as he glared at me from the floor. Paxton was kneeling down next to him. Why she gave a shit how he was, I couldn’t imagine.
I pointed at him. “You ever say something li
ke that again and I’ll—”
“Enough!” Paxton cried out. “Steed, I think you need to leave.”
My eyes widened in shock. “What? Why in the fuck do I need to leave? He’s the one who came bursting in here and manhandled you!”
“I could have handled it, but it looks like some things never change. Your hot-headed temper likes to take control.”
There was no way she was taking that asshole’s side right now. “Pax, are you serious right now? We were talking …we were… I thought… Why are you doing this?”
“I need you to leave, Steed. Now.”
Joe stared up at me with a shit-eating grin on his face.
Nodding, I glanced between the two of them and settled my gaze on her. “Fine. If that’s what you want.”
She stared up at me, anger still visible.
“I guess maybe you were wrong,” I said.
The anger on her face immediately melted away. “What?”
“Maybe you did stop loving me.”
One more survey of Joe, and I simply nodded. “You got what you wanted, fucker.”
Paxton stood. “Steed. Wait.”
Without looking back, I walked out the front door and to my truck.
“Steed!”
I opened the door to my truck and glimpsed back at the house. “You asked me to leave, Paxton. I’m doing what you asked, unless you want me to stay. Do you want me to stay?”
She wrapped her arms around her body and said nothing.
I slowly nodded. “Okay, I guess I’ll see you around.”
My heart felt like it had been ripped from my chest all over again. This time, before I walked away, I asked her twice if she wanted me to leave. I started up the truck and drove away.
Chloe was practically pulling my arm out of socket as she dragged me behind her.
“Hurry, Daddy! The carnival is about to start!”
Glancing around, I couldn’t help but notice all of the people. Where in the hell were some of them yesterday when Paxton needed help setting up? They must have gotten more help after we left.
“A petting zoo!” Chloe shouted.
Lost Love Page 9
