Security had to get me past some fans that got inside the barrier to get me into the bus, I caught some of them calling out to me “Mandy Fay!” I stutter stepped at that, it made me smile. Suck it, Mandy Harris, you're going down! I felt pride swelling of my heart, an odd sensation, one I had always wanted earlier on in my career.
After cleaning up and getting ready for bed, I just sat on the bed perched over my phone, leaning on my elbows. I was feeling the excitement and anticipation my fans were feeling earlier tonight. Just twenty more minutes! I felt the bus rumble to life as we started off to our next venue. Ahhh Darryl had arrived.
I watched time tick by and exactly at midnight my cell rang. Once voice-mail started flashing, I immediately hit play. “Simply amazing. Have a wonderful sleep, M.” Bam! Saved folder! I whispered my goodnight to Bella into the air, then start writing some lyrics before drifting off into a pleasant sleep.
Chapter 11 – Why the Obsession?
The days started flowing in extreme slow motion, I found myself missing June so much. I concentrated on her, hoping to drown out the other ache in my heart. After my daily delete, delete, play routine, I caught myself playing Tammy's daily June reports over and over. The daisies, and midnight 'tuck in' calls helped keep me from spiraling back into a dark place.
I can't tell you if it was two or three days later, since time wasn't working right in my localized bubble, my Bella call held a bonus “Hi, M. You kind of shocked sis and Ham, they send thanks. Sleep well.” That must mean that the 'Oceans of Blue' single had hit online, and the trust papers arrived at the Rand house. I cried myself to sleep on the floor of the bus and I didn't understand the tears, I couldn't identify the emotions. Maybe it was just an emotional purge?
I woke up on the pull out bed, under a blanket, the bus rocking and obviously well underway. My sleepy mind half wondered how I got there. But as sleep retreated from my synapse, I looked at the dividing door to the driver's area, and smiled a silent thanks to the powers that be, for people like Darryl.
I groaned, realizing I had another interview today in Richmond, Virginia. I hate leaving my self imposed exile in the bus. I feel safe here, insulated from the world, cut off from contact with anyone outside of the show. Nick just kept insisting, and I finally agreed, just to shut him and his floppity hair up.
Why do I keep him around again? Oh yeah, because he has bought into Mandy Fay where Terry has not. He has taken my side of the frequent arguments more and more often. I can see the desperation building in Terry as we get closer to him losing his cash cow, his arguments seem more fueled by frustration now.
I don't feel bad at all, I've made Terry millions and he still has a cut of residuals coming in, he is set for life. Yet he's still on his side, not mine. Nick has been distancing himself from Terry, hanging around with Darryl more now. Gold star. You can stay.
I got up, and wandered over to my closet. After throwing on a sweater and a nice navy pleated skirt, I grabbed my purse and headed out to the waiting car. Security getting me past the slowly gathering fans and reporters. I'm noticing more and more reporters as the tour progresses. I'm sad that Darryl isn't driving me. I make a mental note to start requesting a rental at any venues I have extracurricular activities at, so he can drive and be my safety net.
I smiled thinking about my little surprise for him. I have overheard him speaking with Nick on many occasions that he has been missing his girlfriend. He's always listening to me through the drivers partition, watching out for me, two can play at that listening game! Ha! So I had Nick set it up for her to fly into town today for the show. Nobody should be without the person they love... unless they deserve it. It felt damn good to do something for good people, I felt like it was going to be a great day!
That feeling ended quickly as I opened the door and got in the car to find Nick was already inside it, waiting. “Hi?” I nodded once, confusion making its way to my expression as I shut the door. He tapped the driver's shoulder and we lurched forward. He looked a little amused, a crooked grin on his face. “Just tagging along, in case we get a repeat of you storming off stage, then I can throw a bear net over you, so that you finish the interview.” Seriously, I wanted to just bat his floppy hair out of the way so that I could slap his self satisfied face.
I just shot him a half amused look. “I did NOT storm off the stage. I was quite polite about cutting things short, to both the crowd and that jackass. I was quite proud of myself that I didn't walk off stage with his beating heart in my hand. He knew exactly what he was doing trying to finagle his way into the off limits area.” I started picking at some imaginary crack on the interior door panel with my finger, trying to hold back a chortle at the memory.
He laughed sarcastically, shaking his head and inverting his hands, making eye contact with me. “I can see his curiosity about what's going on lately in...” then he snapped his mouth shut before he went too far and completed his thought as I jerked up straight, muscles tensing. I have zero tolerance for the subject, and he knows it. I'm starting to think I do it more to protect me from feeling the gaping hole torn through my being, than to protect Bella. If I were to be truthful, I'd say it is most likely both. I'm still a coward.
We rode in silence the rest of the way to the studio, but it wasn't uncomfortable. We were just leaving each other alone to our thoughts. I took the time to practice my finger spelling from the book I had Darryl find me. I've been trying to squeeze that into every break I have.
Upon arrival we were quickly escorted in through a group of fans of the morning show. I overheard someone murmur excitedly, “That's Mandy Fay!” I smiled to myself, Mandy Fay, I feel one day I can be her.
I glanced at the clean, almost antiseptic looking halls as security led me to the makeup and prep area, Nick in tow. The generic industrial looking black and white artwork on the walls were uninspiring and cold in my opinion. Then I was handed off to a gray haired old woman, Elise, who just sat me down in a canvas director's chair and started on me like an automaton, I was sure she had worked with thousands of celebrities doing interviews for this daily show. I was pretty sure she didn't even know who I was, as the over sixty crowd is not my demographic.
Just as that thought rolled out of my ear and onto the ground, she pulled back tilting her head in recognition. “Oh, you're that Anabella West's girlfriend. I saw that one picture of you two. Isn't it amazing what she...”. I stiffened, as a chill ran down my spine as I cut her off, trying to stay calm, “Please ma'am, she's not a subject that I discuss with people.” I shot a glare over at Nick, who held his hands up defensively. Why do people insist on dragging her name through the mud? I was breathing faster, trying not to get mad as I fidgeted with my hands.
She nodded pleasantly. “Of course, sweetie. There you go, all done. Kathy right there can get you set up with a microphone and prepped.” Nodding her head at the young intern who came scooting over with a giant grin plastered on her face. I followed her eyes to the short blonde girl in a crisp business suit that was approaching. I relaxed and exhaled the tenseness of the previous situation away, putting on my practiced mask. I glanced back and nodded a thanks to Elise and stood up then turned to meet Kathy.
The young lady was obviously a fan, a nervous fan, a fan so nervous that she was about to vibrate a hole into the center of the Earth and had an almost comical smile plastered on her face. She kept fumbling with the clip-on mic, her hands shaking. “Kathy, just breathe.” I told her as I reached out and took the mic from her hand and clipped it to my collar myself, fighting back a smile. The young woman flushed. “I'm sorry, this is my first week as an intern and, oh my gosh, I get to meet famous people like you.”
I heard a muffled snort beside me, I glanced at Nick, who was watching the whole exchange, and it looked like he was about to burst open in a tsunami of laughter as he suddenly found the white ceiling tiles extremely fascinating.
I suppressed a giggle. Hey, I thought I turned off giggles when I left my heart back home. “We are just
people, same as you. You'll do fine as long as you remember that one thing... breathe.” I placed a reassuring hand on her shoulder. Kathy nodded enthusiastically, then moved her head in a “follow me” motion as she turned and walked me over to stage left, then opened the curtain a crack and pointed. “Okay your mark is that X on the center stage floor when Kelly introduces you, then you take the chair to her right. They mostly just chat, so topics are fluid. Expect lots of tangents.”
I felt slightly nervous, a feeling that has haunted me this entire tour. It is still an odd feeling, but I am getting used to it. It feels almost akin to excitement. I glanced behind me to Nick who gave a reassuring, almost imperceptible nod before I turned back to Kathy, who still had that “fangirl” twinkle in her eyes.
Kathy looked down at her clipboard she had hugged to her chest when she realized that I had caught her staring. “Umm... Your publicist gave us the taboo subjects, lets see, no Vancouver and no Anabella West. Oh I know her, she's the girl that...” My breath hitched and I quickly held a finger up, swishing it from side to side silencing her. She turned beet red biting her bottom lip and looking at the floor, and looking milliseconds away from face-palming herself. “Oh sorry, taboo.”
I gave her a reassuring smile as the announcer's voice boomed through the speakers. This was Kathy's cue to scurry off in embarrassment.
[[Welcome to today's installment of Sunny Side Up with Kelly Lamn!]]
Kelly walked out to center stage as the audience cheered. She waved to the crowd and did a tiny bow from her waist, smiling broadly as she surveyed the crowd “Hi everyone! I hope you are having a 'special' day, since joining us today in the studio as our 'special' guest, is none other than THE Mandy Fay Harris!” I confidently walked right out to my mark as the cheering doubled and gave Kelly a warm handshake, she held on maybe just a bit too long for my tastes and locked eyes just a bit too long.
I appraised her as we both moved to sit in the chairs on stage. She was a pretty typical morning show host, early to mid thirties, impeccably dressed in a long skirt and a cardigan, fit body, and her strawberry blonde hair made up in a bun. She had an undecipherable smile on her face, probably just as rehearsed as my own mask.
She looked to the crowd clasping her hands together as they quieted down then back to me, tilting her head slightly and making an almost too intense eye contact with me. It was intensifying the nervousness in my gut a bit, I was coming to the conclusion that she was either up to something or was trying to communicate something. Either way, I had decided I didn't like this woman, she reminded me too much of Terry. I absently started picking at the fabric on the arm of the chair with my fingernail.
“So Mandy, do you mind if I call you Mandy?” She asked broadening her smile in question. I responded with a measured smile of my own “No, go right ahead.” I tilted my head for her to continue. “Thank you so much for coming to talk with us today. You are making quite a lot of waves in the record industry lately, and we find it rather intriguing.” she smiled and glanced toward the audience. I follow her glance to the eager looking crowd, but was pulled back to Kelly as she continued.
“You disappeared from the scene for a little over a year, not even the media could find you for the longest time. But then you exploded back on the scene as a totally reinvented performer. Your popularity today has skyrocketed past your previous peak because of it. Can you tell us anything about what happened in that year to cause such a radical turnabout?” I stiffened slightly, feeling perturbed as she cocked her head in in interest leaning forward in her seat, like she expected me to just start sharing like we were schoolgirls on a sleepover. Don't push it, you're already leaning toward taboo here lady!
I took a deep breath and clasped my hands together in my lap, intertwining my fingers and looked at Kelly “Well, I can only paint in the broadest possible strokes here. I had a defining moment in my life that forced me to look at who I had become and who I wanted to be. The two didn't match, so I left the industry. I tried to cut the cord, I thought for good. I just went into hiding, hoping the world would leave me in peace, to give me some privacy, to live the way I wanted to. I wanted to do something truly important with my life. By a wonderful twist of fate, while in my new pristine world, I stumbled into something else that gave me such joy, I felt truly blessed.” I smiled in memory of June and Bella.
Then I looked to the crowd before continuing, a slight frown forming on my face “But I couldn't escape my past, people wouldn't leave me in peace. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't stop my past from creeping in. It poisoned and destroyed the life of the person who held my heart. So I ran. Can you imagine being the reason someone's life you cared for, was torn asunder?” I breathed deep, looking down at my hands and opening them. Feeling an almost cathartic release of relief as I admitted this. I'm talking too much. I gotta stop this.
Almost immediately, I started to feel tense again, so I wound down to my conclusion. “So I've isolated myself here on tour, where I can't do any harm to anyone else I care for. To show the world who I really wanted to be, before I leave the rock world forever.” I glanced out to the audience who was murmuring amongst themselves, glancing between each other and me. This caused me to clasp my hands in my lap again, I glanced over to Kelly while my nervousness climbed.
She looked truly moved, her face lined with compassion and her eyes conveying sympathy as she spoke. “That feels, sad, to me in a way, but admirable as well. If it is confusing to me, then I can imagine how confusing it is to have to live through it.” She paused as she shook her head almost imperceptibly. She turned to the crowd and looked to be in thought for a second before re-engaging me “One quirk that has everyone stumped during this tour, which seems to be your signature now, is that you always stay seated on a speaker while onstage. What is the reason for that?”
The murmuring of the crowd stopped, I could tell they were interested in my response. I hesitated, looking down and picking at a fingernail and choosing my words before I looked up to her “It is just how someone special showed me how to truly listen, a way for me to really hear and be part of the music instead of simply a spectator.”
Kelly nodded then brightened as she sat up straighter in her chair. “On the relationship front.” I stiffened ready to walk, my hands on the arms of the chair, ready to pull myself up. I could feel my jaw tensing. “It has been rumored over the years that you have been seen in 'romantic' encounters with both males and females. Do you care to comment on the question of your sexuality? Is Mandy Harris gay, bi, straight? Do you find these rumors to be a detriment or asset to your career? And are you currently seeing anyone?”
As the rapid fire questions ended, I was realizing that my first impression was right, I didn't really like this person. She was just skirting around the “real” issue, trying to get me to slip up without her actually bringing Bella up. My blood chilled and I allowed a cold smile to snake up on my face. “Well, I find the question of anyone's sexuality to be a private matter. It shouldn't be thrown about publicly like this, or dragged around in the press.”
“But since mine has been plastered all over the walls for my entire career, I'll tell you that I'm not into labels. I don't care if you are a man, woman, alien or whatever... it is the person that is important, that is what I am attracted to. As far as attachments, I'm not a person that anyone should be around right now.” Stick that in your pipe and smoke it, wench. The crowd cheered, I think I even heard a screamed marriage proposal. This made me kind of sick to my stomach that people felt my sex life was entertainment, I scanned the crowd.
I looked back to Kelly who was nodding in exaggerated thought. “That's admirable, more people in the world should have an attitude on relationships like that.” She locked eyes again and smiled then looked back to the crowd for acknowledgment of her statement while I went back to picking at the fabric of the chair.
She nodded again, picking a new topic and raising a finger and slightly tilting her head as she spoke. “You recently relea
sed a single, 'Oceans of Blue'. Your publicist says it is the last studio session of your career. Is it true that you are not seeing a dime out of that single? Where are the proceeds going? Did you know that it went platinum almost as soon as it hit online?”
I was a little shocked about the news of the popularity of the song, but was buzzing with aggravation, knowing she already knew the answer and how part of it would tie back to Vancouver again. I sat up a little straighter. Push the envelope lady, push it farther it might snap back at you! “It is true, I'm not seeing a penny of it. That song was never for profit, it was for a person I hurt in a way that can never be forgiven.” I couldn't stop my hands from fidgeting.
I took a breath. “Most of the proceeds go to a charity I hold dear, the Hearing Health Foundation. The rest goes to make sure that two tiny shining stars, whom I owe so much, have a future free of worry. I haven't heard about sales, but the better it does the more money goes to good causes.” The crowd started applauding again.
She smiled softly, it looked genuine to me. “On another front, is it true that you have barricaded yourself in your tour bus this entire tour? No internet, no news, no TV? It is a rare occurrence in this tour for you to be found outside of the stage. We are honored to get this rare chance at an interview with you.” She leaned in like it was just the two of us and wanted me to share a secret with her.
What is she getting at here? I knew she was still working an angle just by looking at the way she was absently rubbing her hands together. “Well it is true, I have isolated myself in my bus. It allows me to think about my actions and think about the consequences of my life, and to face the repercussions. To concentrate on fixing myself, to become a person I actually like, that I can live with.” I glanced out to the crowd who started murmuring and nodding, I have no clue what their reactions are. I hate putting myself out there like that. I turned back to the sound of Kelly's voice.
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