He deposited me back in my fortress of solitude, where I laid down on the bed for a quick nap to calm down. I drifted in and out of consciousness until sleep finally came.
I'm not sure how long I was asleep, but my eyes suddenly shot open and I grabbed my phone from the nightstand and looked at the time, just as the phone started ringing. I stretched and waited then deleted Sarina's voice-mail. Five minutes later, right on cue and right on time, it rang again. I lazily reached over, waiting for the voice-mail indicator to blink, then hit play “Mandy, my God woman, I'd start an argument with you if I thought I had a snowball's chance in hell of winning.”
“So instead I'll just say thank you and let you know that Frank works fast. Mrs. Wellington drove up to Seattle today to hash out all the legal crap over the next couple days. June is having an awesome day today. I think we'll hit the park in a bit. Stay safe, and I'm excited for your return soon.” Tammy finished. I was flooded with a warm happy feeling at hearing this.
See? That's why you don't bring snowballs to hell for a battle, everyone knows that you bring bowling balls! Lets see, one point for Mandy, zero points for little miss snow nanny!
The book I just noticed over on the counter stopped my impromptu football touchdown dance on my bed. Darryl came through, again. Should I be freaked out that he seems to always appear in here when I'm asleep? Maybe he's like one of those cobbler elves that make shoes at night.
I hopped off the bed and walked over to grab the book. Lets see, oh very funny “American Sign Language For Dummies.” Why did he underline dummies? Was it the Mr Big Ears joke yesterday? Come on that was like, you know, hours ago! I couldn't stop a laugh at my own joke, then said “Thank you.” to thin air, knowing he heard. Then I laid, stretched out on the couch and opened the book. Okay, lets work on common phases first.
After a while, I glanced at the time on my phone and saw that lunch had rolled around, but I was too engrossed in my reading and signing to fix anything. I still didn't know why I was learning all of that, it's not like Bella would ever want to see me again. But I felt I owed it to her to learn it anyway. So I didn't want to disappoint her. I lowered my head into the book and redoubled my effort.
I suddenly got an idea and started looking up specific words, flipping through the pages and copying signs down on sticky notes. I crouched down and arranged them out in front of me, covering the floor in the proper order. Then I practiced the sequences over and over and over. Punching the walls whenever I screwed up. I glanced over and noticed Darryl cracking open the partition door the first couple times as I did that, seeing me admonishing myself for screwing up, then trying again.
I started treating this as just learning the fingering for new chords. That's the only way I could try to pull this off. Muscle memory. This had to be right.
For seven hours straight I practiced the same thing over and over, it was still rough, lacking grace, but I was getting through it without screwing up too badly. I had to get this, I had to do it right, I had to... The door opened and Darryl walked in uninvited. I snapped my head over at him, unleashing Death-Glare 3000 at him. I didn't need the distraction!
He held his hands up in peace, holding a bag from a burger joint toward me as he spoke “You have to eat something, you are on in an hour.” I shot daggers at him, how dare he. “Get out, I have to get this right!” He just grabbed my arm gently and guided me to the couch, avoiding the papers littering the ground, pushing me gently down to sit with him. It was like he was guiding a small child. I wasn't resisting as I kept trying to get him to understand “But I need to...”
Concern etched his face as he interrupted, placing the bag in my lap and speaking gently, “You NEED to eat, a couple minutes from practicing won't hurt. You haven't eaten all day, and the last thing you need is to pass out on stage tonight.” I sighed, my shoulders sagged in resignation.
Then he got up and grabbed a water bottle from the refrigerator and handed it to me as he walked back past me. Then he disappeared back through his partition door, shutting it behind him, leaving me scarfing down the offering, fries flying and large chunks of burger being bit off. Oh God, I was doing the obsessive thing again, wasn't I?
I actually felt better with food in my stomach, then I again redoubled my efforts. I had to get this right, and I had less than an hour. Hands flashing rapidly. Repetition was key for me to do this. Muscle memory, please don't fail me. Please.
A knock on the door signaled that it was time. Dress selected, lanyard tucked in, music sheath in hand. I took a giant breath and walked out of the bus and ushered through the crowd by security into the building. I wove through the bustling corridor, threading my way through all the roadies and stagehands that were going about their business. I stopped at my dressing room door, I was feeling excitement for some reason, I took a quick cleansing breath and pushed through the door, nodding at my security guard beside the door.
Ahhh, there was the daisy. It was the first thing I saw when I looked over at the table beside the zebra striped couch in the middle of the room. I could feel myself relax now, breathing steadily.
I was just practicing my signing when the five minute warning was relayed by the tapping at the door. I checked myself one last time in the full length mirror on the back of the door and nodded at myself. Then I opened the door confidently and strode out to the backstage area.
I took the time to glance over at the band before the lights dimmed. Those guys were great, I'd refused to learn any of their names this entire tour, for fear I'd make connections. I figured that would insulate them from the corrupting poison that was me. They had adapted to every curve-ball I'd thrown at them, switching things up every performance. True professionals. I made a mental note to send in a glowing recommendation letter for them to the agency that Terry had booked them from at such short notice.
I thought of the unpredictability of each performance. Well tonight wasn't any different. I walked out on stage, and straight to the mic, noticing the low rumble of the crowd. The lights came up just as I was sitting down onto my speaker. Leaving my guitar in it's rack, I addressed the cheering crowd while motioning my backup guitarist over. He stood next to me and I handed him my acoustic, to his confusion, then addressed the crowd.
I took a nervous breath, steeling my nerves, this was going to be a first for me. “Hi everyone.” I said simply with a little wave from my wrist, and the crowd went wild, cheering, whistling and clapping. When the noise level died down a bit, I continued, “So, you probably know what song I'm going to start with. A thunderous roar of people yelling, “Oceans of Blue!” returned. I motioned with my hands for the fans to lower the sound level a bit.
“Well, duh.” I smiled, holding a hand above my head to stop the cheering, twisting from side to side, scanning the crowd, trying to keep them engaged. “But me, being me, just thought I'd try something new with it tonight. I owe this to someone. This is going to be a little rough, so my apologies up front.” When the satisfying thunder died down again, I looked back at the band waving a hand at them and smiled. “No backing on this one, guys.” They were nodding their understanding as I turned back to the crowd. I glanced to my guitarist and mouthed, “Play.” to him with a little wink.
He stumbled a little on the intricate fingering, I cringed, forgetting I had tailored the chord complexity around my own ability, but he caught on and simplified in just seconds. I closed my eyes and started swaying to the strumming, then began to sing. As the words poured forth from my mouth, the entire stadium joining in, I began signing the lyrics with my hands. Not thinking about them for fear I'd screw up badly. I could feel my heart pounding, but the music kept my fear at bay. I'm quite sure that I messed up a few times, but I flowed with the twists of the vocals, and spiraling melody.
It started to feel like dancing, and I let the world melt away. Turning the song into a pantomime of feelings for the love I left behind. The final note melted away and I kept my eyes shut, scared to death that I had just destroyed the song
dear to my heart. I was so nervous this had been received badly, that my palms were sweating and my mouth was dry, I wanted to throw up.
The crowd disagreed with my assessment, vehemently, as the stadium exploded into cheers as I opened my eyes and had to cover my ears. The fans were so loud that the ground was reverberating, I was crying as I stood and retrieved my guitar from my band-mate, wiping my tears with my sleeve. I nodded thanks the guitarist, who gently smiled back and returned to his position as I sat back down.
The crowd wasn't quieting, they were jumping and cheering. Venue security had to pull a guy out that was trying to crawl up on the stage. I stuck an arm into the air, lowering my head, guiding them to a more calm sound level. Looking back up and scanning the crowd, showing my appreciation with my smile.
I leaned into the microphone “Sorry folks, that's all I got. My sign language skills pretty much suck. That's all I've learned so far. Now let's light this place up!” I shouted as I threw three fingers back at the band to indicate which number we'd be playing and the band kicked in for an upbeat thriller. I caught myself having fun and mentally slapped myself for indulging.
The rest of the concert, I kept switching the mood up, keeping everyone guessing. Coming back for an encore I did a slowed down a cappella version of 'Throw-Away'. Dragging the highs and muting the lows. I walked slowly off the stage, feeling a warm melancholy, away from the thunderously exuberant crowd.
God I'm exhausted. I trudged down the corridor flanked by security, it felt like it was taking forever. I let security pull me along to the outside and between the barriers. Dragging my feet, one step at a time, through the crowd and into my bus, while listening to the roar of the still cheering crowd in the structure behind me.
I went straight to the shower, peeling off my clothes and kicking off my shoes along the way. Then after cleaning off, wandered out of the bathroom and pulled on some boxers and a tank-top, then collapsed on the couch. Glancing at the time on my phone, I was relieved, just a half hour till midnight then sleep. I heard a door close behind the partition then the bus rumbled to life like a dragon awaking from a slumber. We lurched forward to make our way to the final venue of the tour, and one step closer to my daughter. That thought made me let out a happy sigh and a smile teased the edge of my lips.
I stood and walked to the bed and sat reading the ASL book, practicing common terms. I just had to get better. I had to do the... My thoughts were interrupted by my internal chime, and I put the book down beside me and grabbed my phone from the side table. Ten seconds to go. Then midnight came and went. My stomach felt twisted in knots, I checked the time in confusion.
12:01 came and went. I couldn't breathe. I was glancing around in fear. 12:02 passed, now I thought I was going to hyper ventilate. I held the phone closer to my face, the time burning into my eyes. 12:03 She's late! She's never late. I put the phone down and I stood pacing in front of the bed, wringing my hands and staring at the phone that lay on it, like it could burst into flames at any moment.
Did I do something wrong? 12:04 Did she finally move on? It would only be what I deserve. Is she okay? 12:05 I sort of heard myself mumbling incoherently, I couldn't make sense of my own words, I knew I was talking, but what was I saying? I frantically walked around the bus, pushing chairs over and throwing papers. I vaguely felt the bus pulling over. I felt tears threatening.
12:06 and the phone started ringing and I literally dove onto the bed, snatching it up before the first ring was over and hitting accept. I yelled “Bella!?” into it. I kicked myself for being such a total ass, she couldn't hear me. I had no clue what to do now. Am I this useless? I was still breathing too fast.
Somewhere, lost in the distance, in another world, I heard the door to the driver partition open then close again a moment later, shortly the bus started moving again.
It seemed like a thousand years passed by when I know it was less than a second, and I heard a pained voice, ragged and hoarse, but still beautifully melodic. She sounded so tiny and frail and my heart broke again “M, oh, you answered... I, I don't know what to do. Please, don't hang up. This is too hard. I don't know if I can go through this without you. Please just sit with me... just sit with me, don't hang up please.”
I stood up, pacing like a caged animal, slowly feeling myself calming at the sound of her voice. I was nodding stupidly to her request, tears flowing freely down my cheeks. I wandered over to the kitchen outlet and plugged in the phone charger sitting on the counter below it and attached my phone to the end of the cord. Then I slowly slid down to the floor, with my back against the cabinet, and my phone plastered to my ear. The cold of the wood at my back seeping into me, the phone felt like a brick in my hand, but it was my connection to her, there was no way I'd let it go.
I listened to Bella's ragged breathing, I tried to comfort her with my being, trying to will it. I heard Sarina's voice in the distance “Okay, you got this sis... goodnight.” Then I was left to the comfort of Anabella's breathing.
We sat that way for hours, just willing the connection between us. There was no thought in my head except being here for her. I only felt the warmth of our connection. Then a soft beeping came, telling me that her battery was dying. I was in silence before, alone with her breathing. But when the inevitable click came, the new silence was deafening.
I hung up and curled up into a ball, then sobbed, my entire body wracking to each sob, bunching my fists into the carpet. I just cried until sleep finally came to claim me.
Chapter 14 – The Call
I had a fitful sleep, I dreamed of phones ringing to no end.
Suddenly I awoke, to no surprise, in my pull out bed, under a blanket. I smelled fresh coffee and looked blearily toward the kitchen. Coffee and danishes were on the table. The destruction that I had wrought on the bus last night was nowhere to be seen.
I felt as though I had never been so exhausted in my life. Every bone and muscle ached and all I wanted was to sleep the whole day away, then I could do my final concert and go home to June. A small smile played on my lips thinking of her.
I was confused as to why I woke up when all I wanted was sleep? I still heard the ringing from my dreams, but wait, I was awake. The ringing stopped, I looked over at the phone that was now conveniently on the side table, voice-mail was flashing. Sorry, but it's not time to delete you yet, you'll have to wait till Sarina calls in a couple hours. Savor your time on Earth you evil voice message, for it shall be short.
I was taken by surprise as the phone started ringing again. Sorry, I don't answer you persistent caller and your message shall go to its doom! Doom I say! It stopped. Then seconds later it was ringing again. What the hell? My mind started racing as voicemail grabbed yet another victim. What if it was about June!
I snagged the phone from the table and sat up in bed. I looked at the display. Twenty three texts from Sarina, eighteen voice-mails from Sarina, twelve from Tammy. “Shit!” I spit out as I imagined the worst and started to pull up the voice-mail menu just as the phone started ringing again. The caller ID read Tammera Shelton.
I answered quickly, panic straining my voice, “Tammy! Is June okay!?” I was completely taken off guard as Sarina's panicked voice responded hoarsely, “Mandy! You need to get home NOW! It's Ana!” The blood drained from my face and my body went numb. I could hear the roaring of my own pulse in my ears. I couldn't feel my hand holding onto the phone as I barely croaked out in a whisper, too afraid of what the answer might be “Is Bella okay?”
Sarina could probably taste my fear and proceeded more levelly “Today... today is the third anniversary of... of our mother's death.” I heard her swallow. “She was scared of today approaching last night, she was a mess. Thank God you answered then, it stopped her from going over the edge.”
She continued, “She had just sat on the phone with you, just watching to see if you hung up, and you never did. It was giving her strength. I just watched her from the stairs. Then her battery died a little after midnight our time.”
I couldn't speak. I had helped Bella? The person who's life I ruined? Sarina voice got more anxious and clipped. “Then she dropped her phone, and just walked outside to the van, I asked her where she was going, pleaded with her to come back inside. She just said 'It was today.' and that she had to go to Harmony to be alone for a while. She was scaring me.”
I tried breathing and croaked out again “Is she okay?” I physically hurt, my stomach was cramping from the turmoil of emotions in me, they were all there at once and I couldn't identify them in the jumble. I felt so helpless, what could I possibly do?
“I don't know. I followed her to the school, but I don't have a key. I pounded on the door for an hour like an idiot, like she'd come even if she could hear it.” She paused for breath “I tried to find Mrs. Wellington, but she doesn't own a cellphone and she went to Seattle to meet with your lawyer and we don't know where she is staying.” I found myself chewing on my lower lip and pacing nervously. When did I stand up?
“I can see her moving in the back by the sound-room, through the front window every so often, its door is open. Tammy says you have a key!” My eyes shot wide as she said that. “Yes! Yes I do!” Sarina gasped, “Thank God! You need to get it to us today! Or get your ass home!” she almost ordered, her voice raised with a hint of hope.
From a million miles away I heard myself saying “I'm coming, I'm on my way!” As I hung up, I felt the bus rumble to life. What the hell is Darryl doing!?
I heard Darryl on the phone behind the partition with a hard, take charge voice I hadn't heard out of him before. “Terry, I'm on the way to the airport with Mandy, family emergency! Cancel the concert! What? No, I don't give a shit about that. Just do it! Don't be a soulless bastard, life isn't about money. It's Anabella. Yeah... I thought you'd see it my way. See? Now that wasn't so hard was it?”
Music of the Soul 1, 2, & 3 Starter Bundle Page 15
