by Amy Clipston
Lizanne touched her arm, and Mattie looked up at her. Her sister lifted an eyebrow as if to ask if the baby had kicked, and Mattie gave her a slightly perceptible nod. Lizanne placed her hand on Mattie’s belly as the baby kicked again, and Lizanne had to stifle a laugh. Tillie leaned over and grinned. Thankfully, the minister continued to talk, oblivious to their silent conversation.
Mattie glanced over at Leroy again, and he gave her a small smile before turning back toward the minister. Thoughts of Isaiah and all she’d lost washed over her once again. She had to make this marriage work with Leroy, but she didn’t know how to be his wife. She only knew how to be Isaiah’s wife, but Isaiah was gone forever. She swallowed back a thick knot of bereavement that seemed to be lodged in her throat.
Once the sermon was over, Mattie bowed her head as the rest of the congregation knelt for silent prayer. When the prayer ended, Bishop Titus Dienner stood and began to preach the main sermon. The bishop’s words were only white noise to her recollection of her first wedding—the joyous celebration, the laughter, the food, and the first night she and Isaiah spent in their little house.
Suddenly, the sermon was over, and Mattie’s body began to shudder as her throat dried. She glanced up just as the bishop looked at her and then at Leroy. It was time for her to stand with Leroy and declare their desire to be married. She didn’t know if she was strong enough to go through with this. Was it too late for her to back out? And if she changed her mind now, would Leroy ever forgive her?
“Now here are two in one faith,” the bishop said. “Martha Jane Petersheim and Leroy Jonathan Fisher.” The bishop asked the congregation if they knew any scriptural reason for the couple not to be married. After a short pause, he continued. “If it is your desire to be married, you may in the name of the Lord come forth.”
Mattie turned toward Leroy, and he held out his hand to her. She took it, and he lifted her to her feet. His hand was warm and strong, and when she swayed, he held her fast. She peeked up at him as he studied the bishop intently. His face was serious as they took their vows.
Mattie’s heart pounded as the bishop read “A Prayer for Those About to Be Married” from an Amish prayer book called the Christenpflict.
Mattie and Leroy sat down once again for another sermon and another prayer. After the bishop recited the Lord’s Prayer, the congregation stood, and the three-hour ceremony ended with another hymn.
As the men began to rearrange furniture, and the women started preparing to serve the wedding dinner, for a moment Mattie wished she cared about food. The chicken with stuffing, mashed potatoes with gravy, pepper cabbage, and cooked cream of celery she knew were on the menu would have been appealing before Isaiah died. And she knew the bountiful desserts—cookies, pie, fruit, and Jell-O salad—would be delicious. But she hadn’t been interested in eating for months, except for the baby’s sake.
And now this new realization took her appetite completely.
Leroy held out his hand to her once again. “Are you ready?”
Mattie blinked, staring up at him as reality slammed into her once again and stole her breath. Leroy Fisher was now her husband and partner. When will I stop thinking of Leroy as mei freind and instead consider him my husband? And where do my memories of Isaiah fit into this confusing new reality?
She stood.
Leroy thought he might burst with joy as he studied his lovely wife.
Mei fraa!
Mattie was stunning in her royal blue dress as she stood there looking at him with one hand resting on her protruding belly.
For years he’d dreamt of this day. He’d prayed he’d have a wife and a child to bring life and purpose into the big, empty house he’d inherited when his mother passed away three years ago. Yet he’d never imagined he’d take sweet, beautiful Mattie as his wife. God had blessed him abundantly when he’d brought Mattie into his life when they were children, and he’d loved her from afar since they attended school together. And now he could call Mattie his wife.
Leroy mentally kicked himself. He had no right to find joy in Mattie’s loss. She and Isaiah had been deeply in love, and now she was drowning in grief. Leroy longed to take away her pain and help her find joy again. Of course, that would take time, and Leroy was willing to wait as long as she needed to grieve her loss. Leroy would take care of Mattie and her baby. He couldn’t stand the thought of Mattie’s child growing up without a father. Leroy was determined to be the kind of father he and his younger brother never had.
As Leroy continued to hold out his hand to Mattie, she hesitated, her sapphire eyes locking onto his. When her pretty pink lips trembled, her sadness chipped away at his euphoria, but he refused to give up on her. Someday she would learn to love him.
“Mattie?” he whispered as if they were the only two people in the large barn. “Would you like to walk with me?”
“Ya.” She finally took his hand.
Leroy enjoyed the soft caress of her skin against his. He looped his arm around her, and her shoulders stiffened. He winced as if she’d struck him. What had happened to the woman who sobbed in his arms the day of Isaiah’s wake and then leaned her head against his shoulder during one of their recent late-evening visits on her parents’ porch?
Be patient. Give her time.
Leroy left his hand on her shoulder and pushed away the worry nipping at him.
Joel and his wife, Dora, approached them. “Welcome to the family, Mattie,” Dora said as she pulled her into a hug.
“Congratulations!” Hank joined them with Tillie at his side.
“Congratulations!” Lizanne echoed, flanked by her husband, Al.
“Leroy.” Mattie’s father, Mose, gave Leroy’s shoulder a companionable pat. “Welcome to the family.”
“Danki.” Leroy smiled as Mose leaned in closer.
“I’m going to tell you a secret.” Mose lowered his voice. “Ruth and I were blessed with two dochdern. I love mei dochdern, but I always dreamt of having a son. I’m grateful Lizzie and Mattie have blessed me with three wunderbaar sons now through their marriages. I was close to Isaiah. He was a gut man, and we will all miss him. I’m grateful, however, that you are here for Mattie, and I look forward to the company of yet another son at family gatherings.”
“I appreciate that very much.” Leroy tried in vain to clear his throat against the lump of emotion that suddenly seemed to swell there.
“I know it’s not my place to judge, but I never understood why your dat walked out on you and Joel.” Mose touched his bushy beard. “He missed out on so much with you and your bruder. Ruth and I are froh to have you as our son. If you ever need anything, don’t hesitate to ask.”
“Danki.” Leroy’s voice was hoarse. All these years he had longed for his father to return and now Mose called him a son. It seemed almost too good to be true. Happiness expanded in his soul.
“I’m grateful that you’re going to take care of my Mattie. I know you will be gut to her.” Mose shook Leroy’s hand. “Enjoy the rest of the day.”
Then Leroy and Mattie were surrounded by more friends and family members who wanted to share their congratulations. As Leroy shook yet another hand, he hoped Mattie would relax and enjoy the party. This was the beginning of their new life together.
CHAPTER 2
MATTIE’S HEART THUMPED AS SHE AND LEROY WALKED UP the porch steps leading to the back door of his two-story, white clapboard house. The events of the day were a blur. After the wedding service, they spent the afternoon and early evening visiting with their family and friends. The fellowship had distracted her, but now the reality of what she’d done burned through her.
Leroy held a lantern in one hand as he slipped the key into the lock. The latch clicked before he wrenched open the back door.
“Home sweet home.” He gave her a tentative smile as he held the door open for her. “I tried to clean up a bit, but I ran out of time. Hank and I have been so busy trying to get the harness shop ready for the grand opening.”
Matti
e glanced across the backyard, which was shrouded in darkness, and her eyes focused on the outline of the small building that straddled the end of the Fisher property and the beginning of the Ebersol property.
“We should be ready to open in about a week or so,” Leroy continued, then paused to look into her eyes. “Are you ready to come into your new home?”
“Ya.” Mattie’s voice croaked. Heat crawled up her cheeks as she walked through the mudroom and into the kitchen.
The kitchen looked the same as she remembered it from when she was a child and attended quilting bees hosted by Leroy’s mother. The large, open room had ample counters and a propane-powered refrigerator and stove, as well as a long table surrounded by six chairs. The laundry room, where the wringer washer was kept, was off the kitchen.
Through a wide doorway that separated the kitchen from the spacious family room, she could see a tan sofa, two burgundy wing chairs, and a coffee table. Off the family room, she knew, was the foyer leading to the front door, the bathroom, a spiral staircase leading to the second floor, and the door leading into the downstairs bedroom.
The downstairs bedroom.
They were married now and were expected to live as husband and wife. Mattie’s heart pummeled her rib cage. Did Leroy expect her to share his bed tonight? But she was seven months pregnant, and she, well, she wasn’t ready for that. Leroy had always been her friend, but she’d never harbored an attraction or any romantic feelings for him at all. Yet how could she turn him down? Mattie was supposed to be his wife, submissive to his needs. Sweat beaded on her forehead, and her chest seized with worry.
“Are you hungry?” Leroy asked, apparently unaware of her inner turmoil. “Would you like something to drink?” He crossed the kitchen to the refrigerator and opened the door. “I went grocery shopping on Wednesday. I have some milk and orange juice.” Then he pointed to the counter. “I also bought tea. I know you like to have tea when you visit with your mamm and Lizzie.”
“No, danki. I’m not hungry or thirsty. I’m just really tired. It’s been a long day.”
“Of course.” Leroy closed the refrigerator door and smiled at her. “I’m tired too.”
Her stomach clenched as she followed him through the doorway into the family room and then toward the downstairs bedroom. She had no idea how to handle this awkward situation. Didn’t Leroy feel any apprehension about this at all? Why hadn’t they talked about their wedding night before it was upon them?
The door to the downstairs bedroom was open, and she peered in at the large bed, neatly made with a colorful log cabin design quilt. A nightstand sat on either side of the bed, each equipped with a propane lamp and a battery-operated alarm clock. Two dressers lined one wall while a closet filled the far wall.
Leroy stepped into the bedroom and set the lantern on one of the dressers, then turned on one of the propane lamps.
“I put your hope chest over there.” He pointed to one corner of the room. “And your boxes with clothes and shoes and your suitcase are in the closet. You can unpack tomorrow. Oh.” He gestured toward the family room. “I put your bookshelf out there. Your book boxes are in the corner next to it.” He paused and rested his hand on the back of his neck. “You can decide if you want to move the shelf. Just tell me. You don’t have to keep things where I put them. This is your haus, too, now.”
“Oh, the shelf is fine there.” She hugged her arms to her chest. “Wherever you say is fine.”
“I’m open to suggestions.” Leroy let his arm fall to his side. “I put your sewing machine in one of the bedrooms upstairs. You can make it your sewing room and arrange it anyway you’d like. Let me know if you need anything, like a chair or even a new sewing machine.”
Stunned, Mattie blinked. “You want to buy me a new sewing machine?”
“Why not? I need to get you a wedding gift, right? I had no idea what to get you.”
He pushed his suspenders off his shoulders as he stepped toward the second dresser, and a renewed panic gripped Mattie. Was he going to change right in front of her? If so, did he expect her to do the same?
Mattie remained in the doorway and glanced around for an escape route. The bathroom was close by, but how long could she hide in there before he started to get suspicious? She gripped the edge of the doorway as Leroy rifled through the dressers, pulling out a pair of boxers and a plain white T-shirt.
After closing the drawer, he looked at her and raised his eyebrows. “Are you okay?”
Mattie swallowed. “Ya. No, actually, I’m not. It’s just that, well, I’m seven months along, and I don’t think I should . . . well, um . . .” She was sure her cheeks were aflame. She should be able to discuss the issue of intimacy like an adult.
Why was she suddenly so tongue-tied and nervous around Leroy? During their late-night visits on the small porch at her parents’ daadihaus, Mattie had poured out her heart to him after Isaiah died. Now that she was Leroy’s wife, however, she couldn’t string together two coherent thoughts when it came to personal issues. Humiliating tears stung her eyes, and she sniffed.
“Just calm down.” Leroy crossed the room and gently touched her arm. “Do you want me to sleep upstairs?”
Ya! I do! And please change your clothes up there too.
“Will that be all right?” Her voice resembled a meek child’s instead of a grown woman’s.
“Ya, it’s fine. I had a feeling that would be the case at least for a while. There’s a spare bedroom up there, but I haven’t moved my clothes up there yet.”
“Danki.” Mattie breathed a sigh of relief as some of the tension in her back uncoiled.
“The sheets are fresh. Make yourself at home, and let me know if you need anything. Gut nacht.” He kissed her cheek. After retrieving a pair of trousers and a shirt for the morning, he grabbed the lantern from the dresser and left the room to head up the staircase.
Mattie sat on the edge of the bed, which creaked under her weight, and glanced around. The house was suddenly cold and foreign, despite the humid June air. She squeezed her eyes shut. She had to be strong—for the baby.
I can do this. I can adjust to a new life with Leroy and without Isaiah.
Mattie looked toward the closet and then shoved herself off the bed. She opened the closet door and located her boxes and suitcase. She retrieved her nightgown and Isaiah’s T-shirt, which was the last one he’d slept in before he died. She kept the plain white T-shirt in bed beside her at night since it no longer fit over her belly.
After visiting the bathroom, Mattie returned to the bedroom, closed the door, changed into her nightgown, laid her clothes on a dresser, turned off the propane lamp, and climbed into bed.
She hugged Isaiah’s shirt close to her body to breathe in its faint scent. Instead, she was overwhelmed by a new aroma—Leroy’s. It wafted over her from the quilt. He smelled like leather mixed with earth and soap. The scent was comforting, but it smothered the faint aroma barely clinging to Isaiah’s T-shirt.
It was too hot for the quilt anyway. She shoved it off her body.
Would Leroy squelch her feelings and memories of Isaiah? She wasn’t ready to let go of Isaiah. She missed him so much her heart ached for him. She missed the sound of his voice, the feel of his arms around her, the taste of his kisses, and the deep richness of his laughter.
Closing her eyes, she relived the day of the accident as if it were only yesterday.
Mattie was washing the breakfast dishes when Isaiah burst through the back door. She looked over her shoulder at his handsome face, twisted in a scowl. “Was iss letz?”
“I forgot I have to go to the bank to deposit my paycheck. I didn’t make it in time Saturday. I’ll be back soon.”
“You’re going now?” Mattie dried her hands on a dish towel.
“Ya. The sooner I go, the sooner I’ll be back to finish my chores. The hinges on one of the barn doors snapped during the storm last night. I want to repair it before I go into work. I’m going in later since I have to work until clo
sing tonight.” He pulled her into a hug and rested his warm cheek against hers.
“Okay.” Mattie enjoyed the tender touch of his hands tracing her back. He was just a few inches taller than she was. If he bent slightly, she could comfortably rest her cheek on his shoulder.
Isaiah traced one fingertip along her cheek. “Our driver is on his way, so I wanted to let you know I’m going.” Dipping his chin, he brushed his lips over hers. “I won’t be gone long.”
She followed him to the back door.
As he descended the porch steps, an icy feeling of foreboding crept up her spine. She suddenly longed to grab his arm and yank him back into the kitchen with her to share a cup of coffee and talk. What was her problem? It had to be her raging hormones.
“Isaiah!” she called, and he looked up at her, his face clouding with a frown. Her words were lodged in her throat as she stared at him.
“Was iss letz?” He climbed the steps and tilted his head. “You look worried about something. Are you feeling okay?”
“Ya, I’m fine. It’s nothing.”
“Are you sure?” Reaching out, he took her hand in his. “Your mamm and Lizzie are coming over to visit in a little bit, right?”
“Ya, they are.” She touched her palm to his cheek and smiled.
“Enjoy your visit with them. I’ll see you when I get back, okay?”
“Okay,” she reluctantly agreed. “I’ll see you in a little bit.”
“Ya, you will.” He kissed her forehead.
The hum of an engine and the crunch of tires drew her attention to the driveway, where their driver’s dark SUV came to a stop.
“I have to go. I love you, Mattie.”
“I love you too.” Mattie hugged her arms to her apron as Isaiah jogged toward the car.
Mattie swallowed a sob. She should have grabbed Isaiah’s arm and dragged him back into the kitchen that morning. If only she’d listened to her intuition, maybe she could’ve saved Isaiah.
Who was she to question God’s will? God had a reason for taking Isaiah, but the pain of her loss was still raw.
