by Amy Clipston
Leroy gently pulled her into his arms and rubbed her back until her sobs subsided.
“Oh, I’m so sorry,” Dr. Sheppard said. “Would you like to see him?”
Unable to speak, Mattie nodded and pulled a tissue from the box beside her.
“I’ll have the nurses bring him to you.” Dr. Sheppard walked to the door and then turned to face them, dividing her sad expression between Mattie and Leroy. “Please know that we did everything we could. I wish I could have saved your son.”
“We know,” Leroy said softly as he moved his hand back to Mattie’s shoulder.
Mattie dabbed at her eyes, but the tears refused to stop.
Dr. Sheppard stepped out of the room. As the door clicked closed, Mattie hugged a pillow to her chest and began to sob again. When would she awaken from this nightmare?
“We’ll get through this.” Leroy’s breath was warm in her ear. “I promise you we will, Mattie.”
Mattie kept her eyes focused on the pillow. It was all too much to take in and comprehend. How could her baby be dead? How did this happen?
Leroy sniffed as the room fell silent.
A few moments later, a knock sounded on the door.
“Come in,” Leroy called.
A nurse entered holding the baby. He was wrapped in a white blanket trimmed in pink and blue. The nurse’s expression was tentative as she approached them.
Mattie sucked in a breath.
“Would you like to sit in the recliner while you hold him?” The nurse nodded to the chair.
“That’s a gut idea.” Leroy took Mattie’s hand. “Let me help you up.”
Mattie allowed him to lift her and steer her to the chair. Once she was seated, Leroy covered her lap with a blanket and the nurse handed her the baby.
“He’s beautiful,” the nurse said. “He weighs almost nine pounds.”
Mattie’s lower lip trembled as she stared down at her son.
“Please let me know if you need anything. Just push the call button, and I’ll come right away.” The nurse excused herself and disappeared from the room, gently closing the door behind her.
Leroy moved to the window, and Mattie cuddled her son close to her chest. Tears spilled down her cheeks as her precious baby lay motionless in her arms.
Mattie touched his shock of blond hair and then ran her finger over his small nose, cheeks, and lips. He was perfect and beautiful. If only Isaiah were here to see his baby boy.
“Hi, Jacob,” she whispered, her voice wobbly. “I’m your mamm, and I love you very much. Your dat was Isaiah. Your dat wanted to name you after his daadi. He and his daadi were very close. You look just like your dat.”
She touched his hair again. “Your dat’s hair was blond when he was born. It turned darker when he got older, but it was still blond in the sunlight.”
She touched his tiny fingers. “I remember the first day I met your dat. We were playing volleyball on separate teams at a youth gathering, and he was wearing these really neat sunglasses. When the game was over, he walked over to me and asked me what my name was. When he smiled at me, he stole my heart. I knew then I wanted to marry him and raise a family with him. I know that sounds gegisch, but it was love at first sight.”
She sniffed as more tears trickled down her cheeks. “Your dat died six months ago. He was at the bank and an angry man came in with a gun. You don’t need to know the details, but he died helping someone else. He sacrificed himself. Isaiah was like that. He always put other people before himself.
“I’m sorry I couldn’t save you, Jacob. I wanted you more than I can ever express. I’ve loved you since before you were born, and I will always love you, my sweet bu. Don’t forget that, okay?”
Mattie leaned down and kissed his forehead, tears blurring her vision. She held Jacob closer and sobbed as agony tightened her chest and stole her breath.
Leroy swallowed his own sobs as Mattie cried. He’d moved to the window to give her some space while she held her child, but he couldn’t take it any longer. He had to try to help soothe her broken heart.
“Oh, Mattie.” He rushed across the room and fell to his knees in front of her. “Mattie, mei liewe. I’m so sorry. I’m so very sorry.” He placed his hand on her shoulder.
She met his gaze with red, puffy eyes, and he touched her tear-stained cheek as renewed grief coursed through him.
“I’m so sorry,” he whispered again. He longed to ease her pain, but there was nothing he could do or say to take away her agony. He could only offer her his heart.
“Isn’t he schee?” She gave him a watery smile as she looked down at the baby. “He looks like Isaiah with his blond hair and little nose.” She stroked the baby’s face with a trembling hand. “He’s a big bu too. I guess that’s why my back hurt so much.”
Leroy’s words were stuck in his throat. He kept his focus trained on the child. How could he ever make this right? How could he ever help Mattie’s broken heart heal after she’d lost both her husband and son?
Suddenly Ruth’s words echoed through his mind. “Her life with Isaiah was part of her past, but her life with you is her future.”
Strength flourished somewhere deep inside his soul. He would be her fortitude, her shoulder to cry on. He would show her he loved her no matter what they faced together.
“May I hold him?” He held his breath, wondering if she would reject his request.
Mattie glanced up at him and then nodded. She held out the baby to him.
Leroy stood and took the baby into his arms. He lowered himself onto the corner of the bed across from her. He studied Jacob’s tiny face, his nose, and his light hair.
Why did God take this little child before he had a chance to grow? He shoved the question away. It wasn’t Leroy’s place to question God’s will.
“He is schee. You’re right. He does look like Isaiah.” He touched Jacob’s tiny fingers and then rubbed his cheek. The child’s skin was cold as though he were a doll.
“It’s all my fault, you know.”
“What?” His eyes snapped to her crumpled face.
“If I had told you on Saturday I hadn’t felt him moving, we probably could have saved him.” She leaned back in the recliner and cleared her throat. “I should have gone straight to the hospital when I realized something could be wrong, but I didn’t. I let him die.”
“Don’t say that. You don’t know that’s true.”
Mattie blew out a shuddering breath and then stared down at her lap. “God is punishing me.”
“No, no, he’s not. I don’t understand why God allows tragedy in our lives, but I know he’s not punishing you.”
“He must be. He took Isaiah, and now he’s taken Jacob.” She met his gaze, and her face crumpled in despair. “I must have done something to deserve this.”
“No, no, no.” He shook his head. “You didn’t do anything to deserve this. It just happened, and we’ll get through it. I’m here, and I’ll be by your side.” He reached out to take her hand, but she pulled it back.
Mattie opened her mouth to respond just as the hospital door opened and an older nurse walked in. She wore blue scrubs and carried a clipboard and pen.
“Mr. and Mrs. Fisher, I’m so sorry for your loss.” She came around the bed and stood by them. “My name is Tracey, and I’m completing your paperwork. I need to know the baby’s name for his birth and death certificates.”
Mattie lifted her chin. “Jacob Isaiah Petersheim.”
“Fisher.” Leroy ground out the word as frustration and hurt born of grief grabbed him by the throat. “His last name is Fisher.”
Mattie turned toward him and frowned. “Fine. Jacob Petersheim Fisher.”
The nurse blinked. “Would you please spell that for me?”
Mattie spelled it out, and the nurse thanked them before quickly leaving.
Leroy looked down at Jacob, and fresh grief strangled his resentment. How could he allow himself to be frustrated with Mattie when she just lost her son?
&nbs
p; No, Jacob was their son. Leroy was supposed to be Jacob’s father and raise him as his own. His dream for their family had been shattered too.
A single tear spilled down his cheek as he studied the boy, then ran the tip of his finger over the baby’s face. “We’ll never forget you, Jacob.”
The door opened, and Ruth and Mose stepped in.
“Ach, Mattie!” Ruth rushed over. When her gaze fell on the baby in Leroy’s arms, her tears began anew.
“Would you like to hold him?” Leroy held up the child, and Ruth nodded before taking him. “I’ll give you some time alone.”
He glanced over at Mattie, but her eyes were focused on her mother. He paused for a moment, then stalked out of the hospital room, down the hallway, and out the door to the parking lot.
The rainy, humid August morning air hit his skin like a hot shower. Confusion and despair coiled through his tight shoulders and stole his breath. How could he be Mattie’s strength when he couldn’t temper his own emotions?
Leaning against the brick wall behind him, Leroy closed his eyes. God, show me how to help Mattie. Guide my heart and help me be the husband Mattie needs. I can’t do this without you. Amen.
CHAPTER 12
MATTIE WIPED AWAY TEARS AS HER PARENTS TOOK TURNS holding Jacob and speaking softly to him. The entire scene was a surreal dream. No, it was a nightmare. Surely she’d wake up soon to find she was still pregnant with Jacob kicking inside of her.
If only she could pinch herself hard enough and wake up from this tribulation.
Mamm wiped away her own tears and then looked over at her. “I’m sorry. Your dat, Leroy, and I are all here for you. If you need to cry, then cry. Let yourself grieve.”
Mattie wiped her face with another tissue. “Danki.” She looked toward the door and found that Leroy was gone. When had he left and where had he gone? Had he stormed out, upset with her about Jacob’s name?
“I’m so sorry,” Dat said, pulling a chair up next to her.
“Dat.” Mattie’s voice broke as she turned toward him, and he gathered her into his arms as if she were a little girl.
Mattie closed her eyes and sobbed on his shoulder. Her parents’ love was just what her battered and bruised soul craved.
Mattie walked slowly into the kitchen. Her legs felt like heavy blocks of wood and her abdomen and back were sore. When she touched her flatter belly, it was as though something was missing.
Something was missing. She was home from the hospital without her baby. Jacob was gone, and he left a hole in her heart when he died. She breathed out a shuddering breath and leaned against the kitchen table.
“Your mamm is here.” Leroy hurried into the kitchen carrying her bags. “She came over this morning to do a few chores around the house. All you need to do is rest. Your dat is helping Hank in the harness shop so I can be with you too.” He paused, his eyes searching her face. “Do you need anything? Maybe a glass of water? Something to eat?”
“Water would be fine. Danki.” She sank onto a kitchen chair at the table and rested her chin in her hand.
“Here you go.” Leroy placed a glass of water on the table and then picked up her bag. “I’m going to put your things in the bedroom. Call me if you need me.” Then he disappeared into the family room.
She took another drink and evaluated her life. The past twenty-four hours had been a whirlwind. It seemed as if Jacob had been born last week instead of only yesterday. She’d become a mother and then lost her baby in the same instant. She wanted to cry but had no more tears left in her to shed.
The click of the screen door drew her attention to the mudroom doorway.
“Mattie!” Mamm rushed into the kitchen and sat beside her. “I was in the harness shop with Hank and your dat and thought I heard the van pull up. I’m so glad you’re home.”
Mattie gripped the glass. “I saw the doctor this morning. She told me to take it easy. I should feel better in about six weeks.” She gave a sarcastic snort. “I’m not sure if I’ll ever feel better, though.”
“You will, mei liewe.” Mamm touched her arm. “It will take time, but your heart will heal. Just give yourself time to grieve.”
“Ya.” Mattie wiped her hand across her face and then stared down at the blue tablecloth. “Isaiah is gone, and now Jacob is gone. All I have left is time.”
“Your life is not over.” Mamm squeezed her shoulder. “You’re not alone. You have Leroy.”
Mattie glanced up to where Leroy stood in the doorway to the family room, watching her. The frown creasing his face cut her to the bone. Her mouth dried, and her heart twisted. He must have heard what she’d said. She sucked in a breath, waiting for his biting retort—the same kind of retort he made when she told the nurse the baby’s last name was Petersheim. But he remained silent, his intense gaze focused on her.
“The bishop will be here later to discuss Jacob’s service with us. I thought we could have it on Saturday.”
“Saturday?” Mattie looked at her mamm. “Is that enough time?”
“Ya, we have two days to prepare. I’ve already started cleaning, and I’ll work more this afternoon.”
“Danki.” Mattie’s eyes stung with threatening tears. She’d buried her husband, and now she had to bury her son. When would her shattered heart ever heal?
Every cell in her body was completely exhausted. She needed rest. She needed time alone to process the grief that covered her like a heavy blanket. She pushed herself up from the table and started for the bedroom.
“Where are you going?” Mamm asked.
“To lie down.” Mattie dragged herself forward.
She stopped when she approached Leroy and looked up at him. His attractive face was twisted with a deep frown and his dark eyes were misted with tears.
“I didn’t mean what I said,” she whispered, her voice trembling. “I know I haven’t lost you.”
“It’s okay.” He touched her shoulder. “Go rest. Let me know if you want something to eat.”
“Danki.” She stepped into her bedroom and flung herself onto the bed before burying her face in the quilt.
When the door creaked open, she rolled onto her side and faced the wall. She didn’t want any visitors. She wanted to cry and pray without an audience.
“Mattie.” Mamm’s voice was soft as the bed shifted under her weight. “I know you’re hurting, but you shouldn’t take your grief out on Leroy.” She rubbed Mattie’s shoulder. “He wants to help you through this, and he’s grieving too.”
“I know that.” Mattie rubbed her hands across her damp cheeks. “But I need to face this alone.”
“That’s not true.” Mamm rubbed Mattie’s back, making circles with her hands. “You and Leroy are a couple, and you should face your problems together as a united force.” She paused. “I lost a boppli once.”
Mattie gasped and looked at her mother. “What?”
“I had a miscarriage before Lizzie was born. I was thirteen weeks along. I’d had some spotting and cramping, but the doctor insisted everything was fine. I lost the boppli in the middle of the night. It was terrible. I blamed myself, and I thought your dat and I would never have a child. I cried and I prayed a lot, asking God why he chose to take that child.” She touched Mattie’s face. “I know my situation was different because I lost the baby at thirteen weeks, but it was still a loss.”
A tear slid down Mattie’s cheek. “I’m so sorry. I had no idea.”
“How could you know? I never told you about it because I didn’t think you needed to know. Now seemed like the perfect time to tell you.” Mamm gave her a weak smile.
“A few months later, I became pregnant with Lizzie. I was terrified the whole time that I would lose her, but I didn’t. And then you came along three years later, and your dat and I were doubly blessed.” She rubbed Mattie’s arm. “My point is that you will get through this, but it will be easier if you let Leroy help you. He’s desperate to comfort you, and you should let him. Allow him to feel useful and helpful.”
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Mattie’s body trembled.
Mamm stood, pausing for a beat. “I’m going to do some more cleaning. Do you need anything?”
“No. Danki.”
“You should rest.” Mamm started for the door. “Call me if you need me.”
“I will.” She sat up as her mother passed through the door. “Mamm. Wait!”
“What?” Mamm spun to face her.
“Would you please close the door?”
Mamm closed it and crossed to the bed. “Was iss letz?”
Mattie touched the stitching on the quilt. “I spoke to Dr. Sheppard this morning in private before Leroy came to pick me up.”
“What did she say?” Mamm sat on the edge of the bed again.
“She said what happened to Jacob was rare, and there was nothing we could do to prevent it. It wasn’t my fault.” She glanced up at her mother and sniffed. “She said I can have more kinner. I just need to wait a couple of months to let my body heal, but I can try again.”
Mamm touched her hand to Mattie’s cheek. “That’s wunderbaar news.”
“I just don’t know what I want. I’m so confused.”
“You don’t have to decide right now. Just rest and let your body and your spirit heal.” Mamm kissed her cheek. “Take a nap. You’ll feel better.”
“Danki.” Mattie squeezed her mother’s hand.
“Gern gschehne.” Mamm stood and walked out of the room, closing the door behind her.
Mattie looked at the bags sitting on the floor beside the bed. She stood and opened her tote bag and pulled out an envelope with “Leroy and Martha Fisher” written on the front in neat handwriting.
She opened it and an official government document fell out, saying “Certificate of Death for Jacob Petersheim Fisher.” Fresh tears welled in Mattie’s eyes as she ran her hands over Jacob’s name. She peered in the envelope again and found his birth certificate and a lock of blond hair in a small zipper storage bag, along with his tiny footprints and handprints. Mattie wiped her eyes and then slipped everything back into the envelope.
