by Amy Clipston
When she opened the tote bag again, she found the pink and blue onesies Leroy had purchased at the grocery store only a month ago. Since Mamm had given Mattie a blue sleeper for Jacob to wear, Mattie hadn’t needed to use the onesie. She found a flat box in her nightstand, and then she folded the onesies and placed them inside the box.
Mattie opened her hope chest and put the envelope and the box on top of a stack of linens she hadn’t yet unpacked. Then she climbed into bed, closed her eyes, and fell asleep.
“How is she?” Leroy leaned against the kitchen doorway as Ruth walked through the family room.
Ruth frowned. “She’ll be fine.”
He cupped his hand to his forehead and gritted his teeth as guilt clawed at his shoulders. “I feel like I’m no use to her.”
She chuckled and touched his arm. “You are the most patient man I’ve ever known, other than Mose.”
He raked his hand through his hair. “I don’t know how to help her.”
She pointed to the kitchen table. “Sit.”
He obeyed, slumping into a nearby chair as Ruth moved to the kitchen counter.
“Here.” She placed a glass of milk and a plate of chocolate chip cookies in front of him, and then sat down beside him. “Take a drink, have a kichli, and relax.”
“Danki.” He took a long drink, placed the glass on the table, picked up a cookie, and took a bite. “I have no idea what to do for her or say to her now. She’s lost so much. I’m never sure if I’m doing the right thing.”
“You’re doing just fine.” Her smile faded. “You’re the best thing that could’ve happened to her after losing Isaiah.”
He shook his head as disappointment replaced his guilt. “I don’t know where we go from here. We were both so busy preparing for Jacob, and now he’s gone.” He picked up the cookie crumbs and dropped them onto the plate. “I don’t know how we can survive now that Jacob is gone. He was the glue that held us together as a couple. We were going to be a family, but now it’s just Mattie and me.”
“You’re still a family whether or not you have kinner.” Ruth leveled her gaze at him. “You are a gut husband and you will continue to be one. The two most important pieces you need for a marriage to work are love and determination. I believe you and Mattie have both, and you can work through this. In fact, you two may come out of this stronger after all you’ve endured. The most important piece is love, and it’s apparent that you love her and always have. When you were teenagers, I would see you staring at her in church.”
He cringed and swallowed a groan. “Was I that obvious?”
“Ya, and I always thought it was sweet. You were always her most loyal freind, and you stayed devoted to her throughout your teenage years. You remained her freind when she married Isaiah. You didn’t let envy get in the way of your friendship, and you accepted Isaiah. That shows strength of character.”
Leroy shrugged. “She chose him, not me. There was nothing I could do about it.”
“Have faith in your marriage and in each other.”
He frowned. “But it’s always been a one-way street, Ruth. I love Mattie, but I don’t think she loves me. It can’t work if the marriage is one-sided.”
Ruth squeezed his hand. “I believe there’s a reason for everything under heaven. It was part of God’s plan for you to marry Mattie, and I have faith that you will get through this.”
Leroy picked up another cookie. “I hope you’re right.”
CHAPTER 13
LEROY WAVED AS THE LAST OF THE BUGGIES CARRYING funeral guests steered down the driveway toward the road. He breathed in the sweet aroma of threatening rain and then looked up at the ominous clouds choking the sky. Lightning sparked, followed by the distant rumble of thunder. A storm was coming, which was a fitting complement to this bleak day. He walked slowly toward the porch, his boots crunching on the rock path.
The wake and funeral had worn Leroy out both physically and emotionally. He had stood beside Mattie through both events, and she had held on to him as though for dear life. Even during the graveside service Mattie held his arm as though he was the only thing holding her upright.
When the service was over, she sobbed in his arms. He was thankful she needed him, but he was emotionally drained from supporting her. He hoped he could continue to be her strength in the coming days. The pain of losing Jacob, the child he’d wanted, stabbed at his heart.
Give me strength, Lord. Help me be the husband Mattie wants and needs. Amen.
Leroy climbed the back steps and crossed the porch. He stopped at the back door and glanced toward the harness shop.
An image of the grand opening filled his mind—Mattie smiling and laughing as she swept the floor and then her sweet compliments about his talent and his hard work to make the harness shop a reality. That day had been nearly perfect, but it seemed as though it had been years instead of only a month since that day. He had to find a way to bring back her happiness, and he prayed he would see her smile again soon. But how?
As he leaned against the porch railing, a gentle breeze sprayed a light rain across his face. The cool wetness was refreshing, almost invigorating, after the hot, humid day he’d spent in the house for the funeral and then standing in the brutal sun for the graveside service.
Jacob Petersheim Fisher was buried beside his father while the community looked on and Mattie sobbed on Leroy’s shoulder. He had to be strong for Mattie, but his own grief threatened to swamp his soul. Leroy closed his eyes as a frigid lump of ice seemed to swell in his chest. Lightning lit up the dark sky, followed by a louder clap of thunder. The storm was moving closer and preparing to bear down on Bird-in-Hand.
The back door clicked open, and Mose stepped out onto the porch, followed by Hank.
“Ach, it’s raining now.” He pushed his hat onto his gray hair. “I thought I heard thunder.”
“Ya, a storm is headed this way.” Leroy turned and leaned his lower back against the wet railing. “Are you getting ready to leave?”
“Ya.” Mose jammed his thumb toward Hank. “He’s going to help me hitch up the horse and buggy.”
“Oh, do you need help?” Leroy gestured toward the barn. “I could’ve done it for you.”
“No, no.” Mose clapped his hand on Leroy’s shoulder. “You’ve been through enough today. You should go rest.”
Hank nodded. “I’ll help him. Go on inside.”
“All right.” As Mose and Hank walked down the path toward the barn, Leroy remained on the porch and breathed in the night air.
When the rain began soaking through his shirt, he pushed himself off the railing and headed in through the back door. He pulled off his boots and hat and then stepped into the kitchen, where Tillie stood at the sink, washing dishes.
She turned to face him. “Is everyone gone?”
“Ya.” He crossed the kitchen and stood by the table. “Danki for staying and helping to clean up.”
“I don’t mind. You know I’m always froh to lend a hand.”
“Where’s Mattie?”
She gestured toward the doorway. “I think Mattie and Ruth are in your bedroom. They were helping me clean up and then Mattie got upset again. Her grief seems to come in waves.” She frowned. “I feel so bad for her. She rushed out of here, and Ruth followed her. I thought I should give them some privacy.”
He rolled up his sleeves. “I’ll dry and put the dishes away.”
“Don’t be gegisch. You can go sit with the men or check on Mattie. I can handle this.”
“Danki. I don’t know what I’d do without you and Hank.”
“I already told you I’m froh to help. Stop thanking me.” Tillie gave him a resigned smile. “You would do the same for Hank and me.”
“Ya, I would.”
“Go check on Mattie. I’ll take care of everything here.” She turned back toward the sink and continued her work.
He crossed through the family room to the downstairs bedroom. He knocked on the door and then stepped inside, where he found Mattie sittin
g on the bed and Ruth sitting across from her in a chair.
“Hi.” He closed the door behind him. “Everyone is gone now. I just wanted to check on you.”
Frowning, Mattie crossed her arms over her chest, blocking her black dress.
“I guess we should get ready to go.” Ruth stood.
“Danki for being here, Mamm,” Mattie said softly.
“Mose and Hank are hitching up your horse and buggy,” Leroy said as Ruth walked to the door.
“Oh.” Ruth looked back at Mattie. “I’ll come and say good-bye before we leave.” She looked at Leroy. “I’ll give you a minute to talk alone.”
“Danki,” Leroy said before Ruth disappeared through the doorway and closed the door behind her. He sat across from Mattie. “How are you?”
“I don’t know. I’m numb.” She reached for him, and he hesitated. “What?” she asked.
“I’m all wet.” He gave her a wry smile. “I was standing out in the rain.”
“I don’t care.” She continued to hold out her arm. “Please hold me. I need you.” Her pained expression twisted his insides.
“I’ll always be here for you, Mattie.” He pulled her into his arms and she sobbed on his shoulder. “Everything will be all right,” he whispered, fighting back his own tears.
Mattie stared at the ceiling in the dark bedroom, with only a few faint slivers of light sneaking past the dark-green shades covering the windows. Her alarm had gone off more than two hours ago, but she couldn’t bring herself to climb out of bed.
For the past three weeks, when the alarm sounded signaling the time she needed to get up and prepare Leroy’s breakfast, she’d turned it off and rolled over, sleeping away the morning. She’d waited for Leroy to lose his patience with her and demand she complete her chores, but he hadn’t. Instead, the delicious smells of breakfast foods had wafted into her bedroom, indicating that he made his own breakfast and left her in her room alone to rest.
Each morning when she finally hoisted herself out of bed and entered the kitchen, she found food waiting for her. Not only had Leroy made his own breakfast, but he’d made enough food for her.
While Leroy continued to complete his chores and then head to work at the harness shop every day, he gave her space and didn’t push her. He continued to sleep in the bedroom upstairs without mentioning anything about their sharing a bedroom. He never raised his voice or questioned her despondency. Instead, he was patient, kind, and understanding. She didn’t deserve his patience or his understanding.
“Mattie?”
She rolled to her side as Tillie’s voice sounded from outside her bedroom door.
“Mattie?” Her voice was hesitant. “May I please come in?”
“Ya.” Mattie sat up and smoothed her hair over her shoulders. Her hand moved to her abdomen, which was now flat. The pain from the surgery had subsided, but she didn’t feel like herself. She felt like a stranger stuck inside of her own body, someone she didn’t know or understand.
The door creaked open, and Tillie stood in the doorway dressed in a blue dress with a black apron. Her pretty face was clouded with a frown as she crossed her arms over her chest. “How are you?”
Mattie shrugged. “I’m not sure.”
“I’m here to help you.” She stepped into the bedroom. “May I do your laundry for you?”
Mattie sighed. Their clothes hadn’t been laundered in nearly two weeks. In fact, she hadn’t done the laundry herself since before Jacob was born. Her mother had taken care of the laundry for her after the funeral, and Mattie hadn’t touched the hampers since then.
“Did Leroy ask you to come over and do my chores?”
Tillie paused, resting her hand on the doorknob. “He didn’t exactly ask me. He said he was worried about you, and I offered to come and help.” She pointed to the bed. “If you get up, I’ll strip the bed and remake it before washing your sheets too.”
Mattie reluctantly nodded. “All right. Danki.”
She stood and went into the bathroom, and after Tillie had stripped the bed, remade it, and emptied Mattie’s hamper, Mattie slowly dressed and pulled her hair up. It was the first time she’d dressed in anything other than a nightgown since the funeral.
She entered the kitchen and found the remnants of breakfast—eggs, toast, bacon, and sausage—on a plate covered in aluminum foil on the counter. The rest of the dishes had been washed and set on the drainboard. Leroy had not only left her breakfast this morning, but he’d washed the dishes.
She picked up a cold piece of toast and bit into it. It tasted like sand and she dropped it onto the plate. She had no appetite. Nothing appealed to her. All she wanted to do was sleep.
“You need to eat something.”
With a gasp, Mattie spun toward the doorway leading to the mudroom and found Leroy looking at her. His dark eyes focused on her with intensity as he frowned.
“It’s gut to see you up and dressed.” He walked over to her. “How do you feel?”
Mattie frowned as she peered up at him. “I’m not sure.”
“You look exhausted.” He touched her cheek and his eyes seemed to be full of concern. “You’re so pale. You need to eat. You’ll never get your strength back if you don’t eat.” He dropped his hand to his side and walked over to the stove. “Would you like a grilled cheese?”
“Danki, but I’m not hungry.”
He looked over at her. “Let me make you something.”
“You don’t need to cook for me. I can do it.”
He pointed to the table. “Sit. I don’t mind.”
“But you have work to do.” She joined him by the stove. “I’ll do it.”
He studied her for a moment. “I don’t mind taking care of you. I understand you need some time to heal and get your strength back.”
Mattie swallowed against a lump swelling in her throat. “Did you ask Tillie to come and do the laundry for me?”
“No, she offered. She said she wanted to help you.” He rested his hands on her shoulders and leaned down to her. “Let us help you. We want to take care of you.”
Leaning down, he brushed his lips over her cheek. “Sit down and I’ll make you a grilled cheese sandwich. I’ll put tea on for you too.”
She slumped into a chair at the table. Setting her bent elbow on the table, she rested her chin on her palm as he worked at the stove. When Leroy brought her the sandwich and cup of tea, she looked up at him. “Danki.”
“Gern gschehne.” He kissed the top of her head. “You get some rest. I’ll be back in at lunchtime. Think about what you want for lunch, and I’ll make it for you.”
She bit into the sandwich, which melted in her mouth. “You shouldn’t be cooking for me.”
“Stop arguing with me.” He touched her back. “I’ll take care of you for as long as you need me to. I’ll see you later.” He walked out of the kitchen, the screen door clicking closed behind him.
She ate the grilled cheese sandwich and drank the tea in the silence of the large kitchen. She was washing her dish at the sink when she heard Tillie come in from outside.
“Did you eat something?” Tillie asked.
“Ya.” Mattie turned to face her.
“Gut.” Tillie pointed toward the laundry room. “I already have the sheets and linens hanging out on the line. I’m going to clean the bathroom and sweep the downstairs, and then I’ll wash the clothes. You can go take a nap if you’d like.”
Before Mattie could respond, Tillie was gone.
Mattie wanted to run after her and offer to help, but she had no strength. Her arms were heavy, and her legs ached. Just washing the dishes had worn her out. She pinched the bridge of her nose as guilt weighed heavily on her shoulders. She was useless. Her husband had to cook for her, and her best friend had to do her laundry and clean for her.
After putting her dish and cup in the cabinet, she made her way back to her room, to her freshly made bed. The strong scent of vinegar filled her nose, and she glanced toward the bathroom, where she
heard Tillie cleaning.
Mattie heaved a heavy sigh, then climbed onto the bed, rested her arm over her forehead, and gave in to her urge to sleep.
Mattie awoke with a start and turned toward her clock. Alarm coursed through her. It was nearly four in the afternoon. She’d slept through lunch and the entire afternoon while Tillie had completed her chores. She had to at least attempt to do her own work. She couldn’t depend on Tillie to continue to run the house for her while she slept her life away.
She hopped out of bed and hurried to the kitchen. She found pork chops in the refrigerator and surmised Leroy had planned to bake them for supper. She could show him she was still a hardworking and conscientious wife by making supper for him instead of allowing him to make another meal for her.
After breading the pork chops, she placed them onto a baking sheet and stuck them in the preheated oven. Then she peeled three potatoes and put them in a pot of water to boil in preparation for mashed potatoes.
A wave of exhaustion overtook Mattie after she set the table. She set the timer on the stove and then stepped into the family room and lowered herself into Leroy’s favorite wing chair. She needed to sit and rest for just a few minutes before she continued preparing the meal. Leaning her cheek against the side of the chair, she closed her eyes.
She awoke with a start to the blare of the oven timer and smoke pouring from the kitchen. Panic constricted her chest, and with a gasp, Mattie jumped up and rushed into the kitchen. Smoke poured out of the oven, the water in the pot of potatoes had evaporated, and the bottom of the pot was black. She turned off the oven and the burner.
She grabbed an oven mitt and moved the burned pot to another burner. Then she held her breath as she removed the pan of pork chops, which were shriveled and charred. The smoke stung her eyes and stole her breath for a moment.
She grabbed two dish towels and waved them around the kitchen in an attempt to clear the smoke from the kitchen.
“Mattie!” Leroy burst through the back door. “Are you okay?”
She looked over at him, and tears stung her eyes. “I’m so sorry.” Her voice was thick and sounded foreign to her.
