by Amy Clipston
They were right. Mattie would’ve hesitated if she’d known Leroy had left a message. She wasn’t emotionally ready to hear from him since she was certain she’d hurt him when she left. His grief over her leaving just added to the bereavement that was already weighing so heavily on her heart. She returned to drying the utensils, dropping the dry pieces into a drawer.
“What did Leroy say?”
Mattie kept her focus on the drawer. “He wants me to come home.” She couldn’t share the entire message with her mother. She squeezed her eyes shut as tears threatened to fill her eyes.
“That’s gut news.” Mamm moved closer to Mattie. “Did you call him back and leave him a message?”
Mattie shook her head and dropped a spoon into the drawer with a loud clunk.
“Are you going to call him or go see him?”
Mattie pressed her lips together. Mamm needed to stop pressuring her to talk to Leroy. She’d talk to him when and if she was ready.
Mamm’s gaze dropped to the sink, and they finished cleaning up the kitchen in silence.
“I’m going to go lie down.” Mattie exited the kitchen.
Mattie sank onto the sofa and touched her abdomen. Her eyes filled with tears as her thoughts turned to Jacob. What would her life have been like if he’d lived? She imagined living in Leroy’s house with Jacob. They would’ve been a family. Oh, how she wanted a family.
“Mattie?”
She wiped her eyes and looked up at where Mamm stood holding an envelope.
Mattie sat up straight and patted the sofa beside her. “I was just lost in my thoughts.”
“I understand.” Mamm sat on the edge of the sofa and turned to face Mattie. “I want to share something with you. Did I ever tell you about mei bruder, Elias?”
“Ya, I think so. He died in a farming accident when you were twenty.”
“That’s right.” Mamm’s blue eyes misted. “It was terrible. The farm was having a bad year, and it was just devastating for my family. We went through a really rough time.” She examined the envelope in her hands. “I almost didn’t marry your dat because of it.”
“What?” Mattie gasped. “What do you mean?”
“Your dat was best freinden with Onkel Elias. In fact, that’s how I met your dat. Your dat used to tease me all the time, but it wasn’t mean-spirited.” She chuckled. “He always frustrated me because I thought he was so handsome and funny, but he only seemed to see me as Elias’s younger schweschder. It took me awhile to realize he teased me as a way to flirt with me.”
“Buwe are so gegisch sometimes.”
“Ya, they are.”
“So what happened?”
“It took him awhile to ask me to be his girlfriend. I was so froh.” Mamm had a faraway look in her eyes. “I could hardly contain my smile that night he took me for a ride in his buggy and admitted he’d always liked me but was too naerfich to say anything. He had no idea how I felt about him, even though I thought it was written all over my face. I suppose sometimes we think we’re open with our feelings, but we aren’t.”
Mattie bit her lip as Leroy’s words from the message echoed through her mind: “You’re mei fraa, and I care deeply for you. I’m sorry if I didn’t make my feelings clear to you.”
“Your dat and I were so froh together. We went for long walks on my parents’ farm and we had picnics by the pond behind his parents’ haus. We talked for hours and held hands. We dated for a few months, and then he asked me to marry him.” Mamm’s smile collapsed. “And then Elias died, and I had a difficult time coming to terms with my grief. Elias and I were very close. I couldn’t handle all of it, and I avoided your dat. I didn’t know what to say to him, and I thought he could never understand my grief. I just cocooned inside of myself and shut him out.”
“Did you delay your wedding after Onkel Elias died?”
“We did. I told him I wasn’t sure I wanted to get married. I couldn’t imagine leaving my parents. I thought they needed me to stay and help them with the farm.” Mamm held out the envelope. “Your dat saved this. I thought you might like to read it.”
Dear Mose,
As I write this letter, I’m watching the sunset outside my bedroom window. The sky is bathed in schee shades of purple, orange, magenta, and yellow, reminding me of that walk we took around your dat’s pond a few months ago. That was the perfect evening. The air was warm, and the birds were chirping their froh songs as we talked.
I’ve done a lot of thinking since our argument yesterday. I’ve realized now that you were right when you said bad things happen but we can’t let them tear us apart. This has been both a terrible year and a wunderbaar year. I never imagined I would lose my bruder, and I had no idea his death would take such a toll on my parents. Yet I also never imagined that you and I would fall in love. For years you only saw me as Elias’s younger schweschder, and I never expected to become more than that to you. You surprised me the day you asked me to go for a ride in your buggy so we could talk alone.
When you said I shouldn’t let my grief stop me from marrying you, I was hurt. At first I thought you didn’t understand how I was feeling. I was angry since you and Elias had been best freinden, and I thought you didn’t care about Elias and were disrespecting his memory. Then I realized you do care about Elias. You were trying to tell me that even after we’re married we will always keep Elias’s memory close to our hearts. And Elias would want us to be froh together. He would bless our relationship.
Mose, I’m writing you tonight to apologize to you and to give you my answer. Ya, I will marry you in the fall. I always have loved you. I even loved you when you used to tease me and tell me I was nothing but a gegisch maedel.
Danki for not giving up on me. I can’t wait to see you again. I’m going to make you another raspberry pie so we can share it while we discuss our wedding plans.
Love always,
Ruth
Mattie sniffed and brushed the back of her free hand over her eyes as she stared down at the letter. The words soaked through her and tugged at her heartstrings.
“I was devastated when I lost mei bruder. And seeing that loss reflected in my parents’ eyes drove it deeper into my soul. I thought I couldn’t go on, but I made room in my heart for your dat.” Mamm rested her hand on Mattie’s arm. “When he said I shouldn’t let my grief stop me from marrying him, I was upset. I thought he didn’t understand my grief, but I realized I was wrong. I thought he didn’t care about mei bruder, but I had completely misunderstood him. And your dat and I helped each other through our grief. Despite what we’d been through, we still built a life together.”
“So you’re saying I should go home to Leroy and then let him help me through my grief for Jacob and Isaiah.”
“Ya, that’s right.”
Frustration swamped Mattie. “I’m sorry you lost your bruder. I know that was difficult, but it’s still not the same kind of loss.”
“I understand what you’re saying.” Mamm paused. “Grief is difficult no matter whom you lose, but with God’s help, you can find a way to move on with your life. You’ll never forget Isaiah or Jacob, but your heart will heal as time goes on.
“You’re not alone. Leroy is waiting for you. He wants to make things work with you. You should reach out to him and talk this through.” Mamm squeezed her hand.
“I don’t know how to talk to him about everything I’m feeling,” Mattie whispered as tears streamed down her hot cheeks. “I don’t know how to move on.”
“I understand how you feel. Your life has been turned upside down, and you’re trying to figure out where you fit into the community now. I didn’t know how to be an only child after Elias was gone, but I figured it out. My parents and I relied on God. With prayers and help from the rest of the community, we slowly got back to the rhythm of life.” Mamm’s voice quavered, and she wiped her eyes. “Seeing my parents grieve for Elias was difficult, but God healed their hearts. You need to give God a chance to heal yours.”
Matti
e nodded to satisfy her mother, but she couldn’t comprehend how to navigate her complicated relationship with Leroy.
Leroy crawled into bed and pulled the quilt up to his chin. He inhaled the lingering scent of Mattie’s shampoo and his heart sank down to his toes. After he’d taken care of his animals, he’d checked his messages. It was the fourth time he’d checked them since he’d left his rambling message for Mattie. She still hadn’t called him back.
Leroy settled onto his back and looked up at the ceiling. There had to be a way for him to convince Mattie to come home. Their friendship had to be strong enough to weather this difficult season in their lives. Their marriage was worth saving. He needed help.
Closing his eyes, he sent a prayer up to God, asking for assistance. Surely God could warm Mattie’s heart and guide her home to Leroy.
CHAPTER 16
“I HOPE YOU TWO ARE HUNGRY!”
Leroy looked up from the worktable at the back of the harness shop as Tillie approached with a tray of food on Thursday afternoon. He closed the accounting book and set it to the side. “What do you have there?”
“I brought you and Hank lunch. I have roast beef sandwiches, chips, and brownies.” She set the tray on the table and handed Leroy a bottle of water.
“Danki.” He opened the bottle and took a long drink.
Hank came up behind her and squeezed her arm before sitting down on a stool. “Danki. You read my mind. I was just going to ask Leroy to join us for lunch.”
Tillie smiled at Hank as she handed him a sandwich. “You know we always have enough food for Leroy.” She gave Leroy a sandwich and then perched on a stool beside him.
“I appreciate it, but you really don’t have to worry about feeding me. I’m capable of taking care of myself.” His friends meant well, but Leroy didn’t want to be their charity case. He was a grown man and was capable of cooking for himself. After all, he’d lived alone for three years, and before that, he took care of his mother too.
After a silent prayer they began to eat their lunch. Leroy took a bite of his sandwich.
“How are you doing?” Tillie opened her bottle of water.
He finished chewing and swallowed. “I’m fine.”
Tillie leveled her gaze with Leroy’s and he sighed. She wanted to know how things were going with Mattie. If only he had something good to report.
“I haven’t heard from her.” He set his sandwich on his plate. “I’ve left her a message every day since Monday, and she hasn’t called me back.” He glowered. “I don’t know what to do. I’m worried about coming on too strong, but if I sit back and do nothing, she might think I don’t really care about her no matter how many times I’ve told her I do.”
Hank frowned. “I’m so sorry. I thought she would’ve come back by now. I’m surprised she’s been gone this long.”
Tillie tapped a finger to her chin as if contemplating something, but she remained silent.
“Now I truly understand how mei mamm felt when mei dat left.” Leroy lifted his sandwich and sadness raised its ugly head once again. He looked at Hank. “Was Mattie always this stubborn when we were kinner?”
Hank laughed. “Ya, she was. How can you forget? Remember that time she accused Amos Glick of copying off her paper in school? He insisted he didn’t, but she wouldn’t let up. I think he finally apologized just so she’d let it go.”
Leroy chuckled. “Ya, I do remember that.”
Tillie clucked her tongue. “You three have the best memories.”
Leroy’s smile dissolved as he placed the sandwich back on his plate. “Ya, we do. That’s why I don’t understand why she’s given up on us so easily. Doesn’t our past mean anything to her? We’ve shared so much together. Why can’t she allow herself to consider what our future together could be?”
“I think you need to give her more time,” Hank said.
Leroy took another bite of his sandwich. “I’m thinking about going to visit her. She might be more open to talking to me if she looks me in the face. She can’t ignore me if I’m standing in front of her.”
Tillie snapped her fingers.
Leroy turned toward her. “What?”
“I’ve got it. I’ll be right back.” She placed her napkin on the table, stood, and then hustled out the door.
Leroy looked at Hank. “What was that about?”
“Who knows? We’ve been together five years, and she still surprises me. I have no idea what she’s thinking half the time.” Hank picked up his sandwich and took another bite.
Leroy grabbed a handful of chips and began to eat them. “The store has stayed busy this week. According to the books, we’re making a profit.”
“That’s gut to hear.” Hank lifted his bottle of water in a silent toast. “Hopefully we’re going to be just as successful as mei onkel.”
“That would be fantastic.” Leroy gestured toward the displays at the front of the store. “We’re running low on key chains and reins. I’ll have to make some later.”
“I’ll do it after I finish the books.”
The front door opened and Tillie rushed back through the store. “I found it!” She placed a basket on the table. “This is for you.” She pushed it toward Leroy.
Leroy examined the large, brown, woven-wood basket with a two-hinge lid and two handles. He raised an eyebrow with confusion. “It’s a nice basket.”
“It’s perfect. Look.” She lifted the lid and pointed to the inside. “It’s big enough for you to put a Pyrex serving dish inside of it. You can have it. It’s been on my shelf for years, and I never use it. You might want to just wipe it down with a damp cloth. It’s a little bit dusty.”
“Danki. That’s great, Tillie.”
She pursed her lips and rested a hand on her small hip. “You don’t understand what I’m suggesting, do you?”
“I’m sorry, but I don’t.” Leroy glanced at Hank, who shrugged before eating a chip.
“Didn’t you tell me Mattie loves your cooking?” Tillie asked and Leroy nodded. “You can take her a meal in this. She’ll be overwhelmed by the gesture.”
The plan clicked into place in his mind. “Danki. That’s a great idea.” Then he frowned. “What if she refuses to see me?”
“Write her a letter and put it inside with the food.” Hank pointed to the basket. “She’ll be too curious not to read it.”
“Ya.” Tillie sat down on her stool. “That’s a fantastic idea.”
Leroy considered their suggestions as he fingered one of the basket handles. “Do you think I was wrong to ask her to marry me?”
Hank raised his eyebrows. “Why would you ask that?”
“I don’t know.” Leroy picked up his cool bottle of water. “Last night while I couldn’t sleep I started thinking about how Mattie and I wound up in this mess. I spent most of my life wondering what it would’ve been like to have a daed in my life. When Isaiah died, I felt as if God wanted me to take care of Mattie and her baby so her child could have a daed. I was so certain God had called me to be the daed Isaiah couldn’t be.”
He lifted the bottle. “But now here we are living separate from each other. Jacob didn’t need a daed after all. If I hadn’t asked her to marry me, then she’d be free to find someone she truly loved.”
Tillie shook her head. “She will come back to you.”
“I don’t know if that’s true if she won’t even respond to my messages.” He set his bottle down on the table. “If she misses me as much as I miss her, then why hasn’t she called me back?”
Tillie touched his arm. “Make her a meal and write her a letter that comes straight from your heart. It will work. Have faith.”
The words soaked through him. He hoped she was right.
Mattie worked on stitching her quilt in her parents’ bedroom. As her fingers moved, her shoulders loosened slightly and her mind swirled with thoughts.
Mamm appeared in the bedroom doorway. “You have a visitor.”
“I do?” She placed the quilt on the table. �
�Who is it?”
“Leroy.”
Knots clenched in her shoulders. “I can’t talk to him. I just can’t.”
“You need to come and talk to him. He came all the way out here to see you, and he brought you something.”
“What did he bring?”
“I’m not going to tell you. Come and see for yourself.” Mamm turned and disappeared into the hallway.
Mattie sat frozen in the chair as emotions battled inside of her. Part of her wanted to run out to the kitchen and hug Leroy while apologizing for hurting him. The other part of her wanted to hide in her parents’ bedroom until he left.
She remained in her seat for several moments and then slowly stood and padded to the doorway. She leaned against the doorframe and listened as Leroy spoke to her parents.
“How is she doing?” Leroy’s voice was soft.
Mattie closed her eyes and imagined him standing there. She envisioned his face with his dark eyes and chiseled features. Had his beard grown since she’d left six days ago? It seemed as if it had been months since she’d seen him.
“She’s having a difficult time.” Mamm’s voice was equally soft. “I’ve been encouraging her to reach out to you.”
“Danki.” He blew out a loud breath. “I don’t want to push her too hard, but I’m afraid she’ll forget about me if I don’t at least try to talk to her.”
“You don’t need to worry,” Dat chimed in. “I have a strong feeling everything will work out just fine.”
“I do too,” Mamm insisted.
“I hope you’re both right.” Leroy’s tone was forlorn.
Mattie hugged her arms to her middle, fighting back the guilt ensnarling her. Her parents would never see things from her point of view.
“Well, I can’t make her see me.” Leroy sounded weary. “Would you be sure she gets this?”
“Of course we will,” Mamm promised. “I’ll also tell her she needs to go see you next.”
“Danki, Ruth. I appreciate it. Gut nacht.”
“I’ll walk you out,” Dat offered. “Tell me all about the harness shop. How’s business going?”
