by Amy Clipston
Tonight I’ve been thinking about our childhood. Do you remember the time when you were ten and I was eleven and that bu Mahlon kept teasing you on the playground? He had you in tears, and I finally got in his face and told him to knock it off. You thanked me, and I said you could always count on me because I would always be at your side. I meant it then, and I still mean it now.
Let my shoulder be the one you cry on. Let me be the one who comforts you when you’re feeling bedauerlich and alone. That’s what husbands are supposed to do.
As I said, I’ll always be by your side ready to help you.
Love,
Leroy
P.S. Enclosed you’ll find a heart-shaped coin purse I created for you. I hope you like it. I included your initials on the front of the purse. The heart represents my heart, which you’ve always had. I hope the coin purse brings a smile to your face and reminds you of how much you mean to me.
Tears stung Mattie’s eyes and then flowed down her hot cheeks as she read the letter three times. She wiped her eyes and sniffed before she opened the coin purse and ran her fingers along the smooth leather. The purse was perfect and beautiful. The sentiment stole her breath and squeezed her chest.
His handsome face filled her mind, and she suddenly remembered how their fingers had brushed when she took the basket from his hands. She’d thought she’d felt a spark, but then she convinced herself she had imagined it. Could there be a true spark between her and Leroy? No, that just wasn’t possible.
More tears spilled down her cheeks, smudging the ink and dampening the letter as she held it in her trembling hands.
“Mattie? Oh, Mattie!” Mamm rushed into the room and pulled a chair up beside her. She set a small book on the table and pulled Mattie into her arms for a warm hug. Then she rubbed her back as Mattie rested her cheek on her shoulder.
“Look at what Leroy made for me.” She handed the coin purse to her mother.
“It’s so schee.” Mamm turned it over in her hands. “And he put your initials on it. It’s lovely.”
“I know.” Mattie folded up the letter and put it back into the envelope. “I’m so confused. I’m certain he’s better off without me, but my heart hurts when I see him and read his letters.” She wiped away more tears as she looked up at her mother. “When am I going to feel normal again? When will all this pain go away?”
“Ach, Mattie. It will take time, but bearing your loss will get easier and the pain will lessen.”
“How long until it does?”
“I don’t know, but I have something I think will help you through this.” Mamm picked up the small book and handed it to her. “This book helped me through some really difficult times, and I thought maybe it would help you too.”
The little cover was worn and featured a picture of a rose and the title God’s Love for You. She flipped through and found pages decorated with beautiful drawings of nature scenes and flowers, accompanied with Scripture verses. Many of the verses had been underlined.
She looked up at Mamm. “Did you mark these verses?”
Mamm had a faraway look in her eyes. “Ya, I did. It helped me when I lost mei bruder. There were times when all I could do was cry. I missed him so much, but I also felt so sorry for my parents. Sometimes I heard mei mamm crying. She would go out to the schtupp late at night, and I think she believed no one could hear her. But I always heard her because my room was just down the hallway. I bought this book at a bookstore in town, and I would stay up at night and read it, and sometimes I’d cry too.”
“I’m so sorry.” Mattie ran her fingers over the cover of the book while imagining her mother curled up in bed with it. “And did this book help you with your grief?”
“Ya.” Mamm gave her shoulder a gentle squeeze. “When Elias died, I thought my world was ending. I believed I could never recover from the depths of my grief. By reading the scriptures in this book, I realized I could go on. I will always miss mei bruder, but I also keep his memory alive in my heart. I married your dat, and then we had Lizanne about eighteen months later.” She touched the cover of the book. “I thought it might give you some comfort too.”
“Danki.” Mattie hugged the book to her chest. “I will cherish it.”
“I know you will. And promise me you won’t give up on Leroy just yet.”
“I promise.” Guilt weighed heavily on Mattie’s heart. She cared about Leroy, but she just couldn’t believe their marriage would last.
“Gut.” Mamm squeezed her hand. “It’s been an emotional day for you, and you look tired. Maybe you should take a nap.”
Mattie yawned, and she covered her mouth. “I think that’s a gut idea.”
“Go get some rest. I’ll call you when supper is ready.”
“Danki, Mamm.” Mattie gave her a quick hug and then carried both the letter and book to the sofa.
She curled up on the sofa and opened the devotional, reading by the light of the warm sunlight streaming in through the nearby window.
She flipped through the book and stopped when she found a verse Mamm had underlined three times and then drawn a heart beside it. The Scripture verse was Psalm 46, verse 1. “God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble.”
Tears sprung up in Mattie’s eyes and then streamed down her cheeks. Oh, that verse spoke right to her soul. She repeated it until she had committed it to memory. It was as if Mamm had picked that verse out just for her and Mamm could feel Mattie’s grief.
Hugging the book to her chest, she sank back onto the sofa pillows. She opened Leroy’s letter and read it again as more tears threatened her eyes. She couldn’t answer his letter today when her grief and confusion were so raw. She needed time to digest what he’d said and analyze how she envisioned their future.
Mattie set the book and letter on the end table next to the sofa and then closed her eyes. Mamm was right. She needed to sleep, and a nap might just be the balm her soul needed today.
CHAPTER 19
MATTIE SAT AT THE SEWING TABLE AND STARED AT LEROY’S letter. She’d spent the week helping her mother with chores and working on her lap quilt, all without her daily nap for the first time since she lost Jacob.
At night she read and reread Leroy’s letter as responses rolled around in her head. It was now Thursday afternoon, and she still hadn’t responded to him. Although he deserved a response, she didn’t know what to say.
Mattie swallowed a sigh. She had to take her mind off of the letter. She glanced down at her quilt. She needed to lose her thoughts in her quilting project. Mattie folded up the letter, stuffed it into the envelope, and set it aside.
She worked on the quilt for a few hours, stopping only to get a glass of water. She glanced at the clock. It was almost supper-time, and she had promised her mother she would cook tonight since her mother had gone to work with her father to help with the accounting books.
By the time her parents arrived home, Mattie had the table set and chicken and dumplings, rolls, and green beans were warming in the oven. She was grateful she hadn’t burned the meal, especially since it was the first meal she’d prepared by herself since she’d come to live with her parents.
Mamm set her purse on the counter. “That smells appeditlich.”
“It does,” Dat agreed before kissing Mattie’s cheek. “Danki for cooking so your mamm could help me today.”
“Gern gschehne.” She carried the basket of rolls and bowl of green beans to the table. “Everything is ready.”
“Wunderbaar.” Mamm washed up at the sink and then helped Mattie bring the rest of the food to the table.
They all took their seats, and after a silent prayer they began filling their plates.
“How did your day go at the store?” Mattie buttered a roll.
“It was gut.” Mamm smiled at Dat. “I was able to balance the books, which is always a very gut thing, right?”
Dat chuckled as he cut up a piece of chicken. “Ya, that is always a gut thing. How was your day?” he asked Mattie.
“It was okay. I cleaned the bathroom, and I did some sewing.” She took a bite of her roll.
“So you never stepped outside,” Dat asked, and Mattie shook her head. “That’s a shame. It’s a schee day. It’s difficult to believe September is almost over. The summer flew by quickly. I think we’re going to have a beautiful fall.”
“How is your lap quilt coming along?” Mamm asked.
“I’m making progress.” She was grateful her mother and grandmother had taken the time to teach her how to quilt and sew. She cut up a dumpling and took a bite. It wasn’t bad. Maybe she could cook again. Maybe she wasn’t completely inept.
“Have you written a letter back to Leroy yet?” Mamm asked.
She stopped chewing and stilled as her parents focused their gazes on her. She swallowed and then took a sip from her glass of water. “No, I haven’t.”
Mamm frowned. “Are you going to respond to him?”
Mattie nodded.
“When?” Mamm set her fork on her plate.
“I don’t know. I haven’t gathered my thoughts yet.”
“Mattie,” Mamm began slowly, “he’s been waiting for a response since Sunday. Don’t you think he’s anxious?”
“Ya, I’m sure he is.”
“You should write him a letter tonight and take it to him tomorrow,” Mamm said. “It’s not right to make him wait so long.”
Mattie frowned as guilt slithered through her. Mamm was right. She did owe him a response.
“I’ll write him a letter tonight, but I don’t want to deliver it to him.” She looked at her father. “Would you please take the basket and letter to the harness shop for me tomorrow?”
Dat’s smile faded. “I think you should take it to him, mei liewe. You need to face him.”
“Okay. I’ll write him a letter after I finish the dishes.”
“I’ll wash the dishes,” Mamm insisted. “You write the letter.”
As Mattie took another bite of dumpling, she hoped she could string together a few coherent thoughts and write a letter to Leroy.
Leroy said good night to Hank, locked up the harness shop, shoved his keys into his pocket, and started up the path toward his house. His shoulders were sore from the hours spent hunched over the worktable. He’d poured himself into his work this week as a way to block the disappointment and hurt that radiated through him every time he thought of Mattie and his unanswered letter.
Every day he checked his front and back porches, his mailbox, and his voice mail messages in hopes of finding a message from Mattie. But each day he found his porches, mailbox, and his voice mail devoid of her response. He would take any response, any acknowledgment of the emotions he had infused into the letter he’d written to her. Perhaps the letter meant nothing to her, and she had truly written him out of her life.
His steps were bogged down with the weight of his despair as he approached his back porch. The rumble of a car engine drew his attention to the rock driveway as a van came to a stop by the barn.
Leroy hurried over to the van as Mattie stepped out of the front passenger seat holding the basket. His heartbeat sped up. Mattie had come to see him. Had she finally decided to come home to him?
“Hi.” He breathed the word as she stepped over to him.
“Hi.” She handed him the basket. “I wanted to bring you this.”
“Danki.” He took the basket.
“Danki for the schee coin purse. I love it. It’s perfect.”
“Gern gschehne.” He jammed a thumb toward the house. “Do you want to come inside? I could make you something to eat.”
She shook her head. “I need to get back home, but I can talk for a minute.”
“Oh.” He pointed toward the path that led to the harness shop. “Would you like to go for a walk?”
“Okay.”
He set the basket on the porch steps and then gestured toward the path. They walked in silence as they made their way toward the shop.
“How’s the harness shop doing?”
“It’s going well. It’s been busy.” He rubbed his shoulder. “I’ve been busy trying to keep the shelves stocked.”
“That’s gut.”
“How have you been?”
“I’m sleeping a little better, and I’m working on a sewing project.” Her eyes brightened. “I made supper for my parents last night, and I didn’t burn it.”
“That’s gut. You’re making progress.”
“I guess, but I still feel numb.” She cleared her throat as she stopped in front of the harness shop and stared at the front window. “Is Tillie taking care of your household chores?”
“No.” He rubbed his sore shoulder again. “I’m doing them.”
“Oh.” She glanced over at him and then quickly looked back at the store. He longed to read her thoughts.
“Why don’t you just come home to me?” If only he could suppress the hint of desperation in his voice. “I can tell you want to. What’s keeping you away from me?”
She sniffed. “I can’t. I’m not ready.”
“You’re not ready yet, but that means you will come home to me eventually?” A spark of hope ignited deep in his soul.
She faced him, her eyes twinkling with unshed tears. “I can’t promise you that.” She pointed toward the waiting van. “It’s getting late. I should go. Take care of yourself.” She walked quickly down the path and climbed into the van.
Leroy waved as the van backed out of the driveway. Once the van was gone, he carried the basket into the kitchen.
He sat down at the table, pulled out the letter, and began to read.
Dear Leroy,
First of all, I want to thank you for the lovely coin purse. The stitching is perfect, and I love how you included my initials. I knew you were a talented leatherworker, but I am in awe of the detail and precision in this coin purse. Thank you so much for giving it to me. I will use it and treasure it always.
I also clearly remember when you stood up to Mahlon for me. You left part of the story out, though. You got into trouble for handling the bullying instead of telling Teacher Marilyn. I felt so guilty you had to stay after class and help clean the classroom for me, but you never complained. In fact, you said you didn’t regret putting Mahlon in his place.
You’ve always been there for me. I’ve been able to count on you since I was six years old. You mean so much to me. This is why I have to be completely honest with you. Please read the remainder of my letter slowly and take my words to heart.
Sunday afternoon mei mamm gave me a beautiful devotional, and I’ve spent the week reading it and rereading your letter while trying to decide how to respond to you. I’m sorry I’ve taken so long. I didn’t mean to delay my response, but I just needed some time to think things over.
I’ve come to the conclusion that you and I should remain freinden. We should continue to live separately. I care deeply for you, but I’m not ready for a real marriage. I can’t give you the level of intimacy you deserve. I should have given myself time to grieve for Isaiah. My heart just isn’t ready, and I don’t know when it will be ready.
I’m so sorry. I hope you can forgive me.
Always,
Mattie
Leroy’s blood boiled with white-hot fury as he read the letter a second time. When he finished reading it, he slammed the letter down on the table, yanked his shop keys out of his pocket, and hurled them across the room with such force they dented the sheetrock before falling into a noisy heap on the floor.
He stared at the damaged wall while taking deep breaths in an effort to slow his racing pulse.
Leroy shoved his hands through his thick hair and tried to think of something to do that would make Mattie believe in their marriage.
He needed more help.
After retrieving his keys from the floor, he pushed them back into his pocket and hustled out the back door and down the path toward Hank’s house. He climbed the back porch steps and knocked.
Hank opened the scree
n door wide. “What’s going on?”
“May I talk to you and Tillie?” He stepped into the mudroom.
“Come in.” Hank gestured for Leroy to follow him into the kitchen.
The aroma of meat loaf filled Leroy’s senses and caused his stomach to grumble as he stepped into the kitchen.
Tillie looked up from the table. “Hi, Leroy. Have a seat. Let me get you a plate.” She stood and started for the cabinet. “I’m sorry I didn’t think to invite you earlier.”
“Danki, but I didn’t come to eat. I need your help.” He squeezed a hand to the back of his stiff neck and then shrugged. “I’m at the end of the rope, and I don’t know what to do.”
“What is it?” She turned to face him.
He summarized what Mattie’s latest letter said, and Tillie and Hank frowned as they listened. “I’m on the verge of losing her. It seems like she’s really confused, so I need to help her realize she’s making a mistake. I want to do something big and make a grand gesture. Maybe that would get her attention.”
Tillie snapped her fingers. “What if you took her on a picnic? You can take an entire meal over. Maybe do something like lunch meat, rolls, chips, and a dessert? I can go to the market for you on Monday and pick everything up and pack it for you.”
A glimmer of optimism took root in his heart, and some of the frustration in his jaw relaxed. “That would work. I’ll give you money.” He looked toward the counter and spotted an empty vase. “Would you get flowers too?”
“That’s a great idea.” Hank moved to stand beside his wife and looped an arm around her shoulders. “You like it when I bring you flowers.”
“Ya, I do.” She looked up at him with mock annoyance. “Come to think of it, it’s been awhile since I’ve gotten any flowers, Henry Ebersol.”
Hank sighed. “You’re right, dear. I’ll have to pick some wild-flowers for you.”
“Danki.” Tillie gave Hank a warm smile.
Envy coursed through Leroy. If only Mattie would look at him with the same devotion in her eyes.
Suddenly determination replaced his envy. He would try again. No, he would keep trying, until Mattie finally came home to him.
