by Unknown
So I positively flung the bracelet Luc had given me into the bag, followed by that massive birthday card and the six postcards he'd sent me when he was on holiday at Easter. Then I scooped up all his little messages which I'd so lovingly hoarded and hurled them into obscurity, too. At last I felt I was getting my own back on Luc.
I suddenly thought of Miss Haversham in that book we're reading at school: Great Expectations by Charles Dickens. Years and years after she'd been jilted at the altar, she still wore her wedding dress, was still waiting for her suitor to return. She'd even kept the wedding cake, now covered in cobwebs, of course. Shame they didn't have the Ex-Files in her day.
She was like a really dramatic illustration of what happened if you didn't move on: you just became a pathetic freak, so lost in past dreams you weren't really alive at all.
But just when I was feeling so strong and clear-headed and triumphant, I was ambushed by something I'd totally forgotten about. Right in the back of my bedside drawer were four snaps of Luc and me together in a photo booth. We were both fooling about, pulling stupid faces nothing in the least romantic about those poses. And yet, I could catch the happiness in those silly snaps so strongly, it actually made me gasp, as if I'd just touched something very hot.
All at once I realized I'd just been pretending: I didn't want to make a fresh start at all. Inside that photograph was the only place I wanted to live. In fact, I just wished for one thing in the entire world: to go back to those days. There had to be a way back…
I looked up at my mum's photograph above the bed. Usually this calms me, makes me feel in some mystical way she's still here watching over me. But today it just added to my feeling of sadness, people being lost to me forever. A great wrenching pain shot through me, and hot, frustrated tears started rushing down my face…
‘How are you getting on?’ Juliette was standing in the doorway.
‘Oh, I've got rid of most of them,’ I said, hastily brushing my tears away. ‘No, I'm doing fine,’ I added, hoping she'd just go away. I knew she meant well but there was something very intimidating about her.
But she didn't go away; instead she sat next to me on the bed. She didn't say a word, though, so in the end I burst out, ‘Well, as you can see, I am in fact having a bit of a relapse.’
‘Oh, you'll have tons more of those,’ she replied briskly.
‘It was just seeing these really, daft photos… caught me unawares.’
‘Shall I put them away?’ she asked.
‘No, I'll do it,’ I said firmly. And I watched them flutter down into the bag. ‘There, they've gone,’ I said, as lightly as I could manage.
‘Is there anything else?’ asked Juliette.
‘No, I think my room is fumigated from all memories of… Oh, I've forgotten his name already.’ I gave an uncertain laugh.
‘What about your ring?’ asked Juliette. ‘Did Luc give that to you?’
‘He did,’ I said softly. ‘On Valentine's Day… So you want that too?’
‘We'd much rather you removed it,’ said Juliette. ‘But we needn't take it away today. You can keep it here in a drawer or a cupboard, and then tomorrow…’
‘No, have it now,’ I said, slipping the ring off my finger. As I did so a shudder ran through me. Now I really was exorcizing Luc from my life.
‘Nothing of him left here now,’ I said, throwing the ring down into the bag.
Juliette brought out a tiny key from her pocket. Then she locked the padlock on the bag. ‘Don't forget, you can have access whenever you want,’ she announced.
‘Thanks,’ I replied. Then I asked, ‘So have you and Rupert been doing this Ex-Files work very long?’
‘No, not really,’ she replied. ‘About a year and a half ago Rupert got dumped, really went through it. In fact, he said there are some months he can't remember at all… it's gone into total blackout.’
Rupert always seemed so cheerful and confident, but yet I could believe he'd had his heart badly broken. Just occasionally when he's talking about relationships, his smile will look sort of sad and tired, as if even now the memories can still snare him.
‘Then it was my turn to get dumped,’ said Juliette calmly. ‘My boyfriend was a lot older than me and when he finished with me I wasn't talking to either of my parents so I was totally lost… until Rupert, who lived in the same road as me, took me under his wing.’ A soft smile appeared fleetingly. ‘He gave me all the advice we're giving you now and it totally turned my life around. We started helping other people we knew and then Rupert thought maybe other victims could benefit as well. So we set up our investigators – who are mainly people we've helped before – to be our eyes and ears, and tell us about deserving cases.’
‘And someone told you about me?’
‘That's right,’ said Juliette. ‘We've been watching over you for several days now.’
It was so strange to think of all this going on, totally unknown to me.
Then Juliette asked me, ‘So are you all finished?’ just as if I'd been to the dentist or something.
‘Yes, all finished,’ I replied.
Downstairs, Rupert gave me my second assignment. ‘And this is probably the most important one of all – and definitely the toughest. You must never, ever ring Luc or email or text him or post him a letter or send him a smoke signal. And there are to be no more return visits to that bus stop.’ He smiled a little. ‘Or attempts to bump into him accidentally on purpose.’
‘The important thing now,’ added Juliette, ‘is to hang right back and give him plenty of space.’
‘All right,’ I nodded.
Immediately Juliette and Rupert both grinned as if I'd just made a joke.
‘You say that so easily,’ smiled Rupert. ‘But I promise there'll be times when you have such an intense craving to ring him or see him… The very second that happens, call us.’ His tone had become so urgent I felt a bit alarmed. ‘We mean that, Bella. Whatever time of day or night it happens, call us. Right?’
I nodded solemnly.
‘And remember,’ said Juliette, ‘right now, you can't do a single thing to make him come back to you. You can only do things to make him not want to come back.’A look of understanding flashed into her eyes. ‘Playing the waiting game really is the hardest bit of all.’
As they left, Juliette also gave me a card with her mobile number on, in case I'd rather chat with her than Rupert (I doubted this very much, although I liked her more than I did at first), and Rupert handed me an Ex-Files' Things Not to Do list.
THINGS NOT TO DO
Never phone, text or make any contact with your ex!
Never take any action regarding your ex without consulting your mentor first.
Never compare yourself with your ex's new boyfriend or girlfriend. It will only depress you.
Never slag off your ex in public. This just cheapens you.
Never show how upset you are. Keep up a good front at all times.
Remember:
THERE'S NO ONE YOU CAN'T GET OVER.
Chapter 9
WEDNESDAY 5 AUGUST
Gloria's just swooped in with Dad for a few minutes. She greeted me with the words, ‘Oh, marvellous. You've lost all those terrible dark circles under your eyes. I've been so worried about you.’
Somehow I managed not to laugh out loud at that last remark. I do feel better, though. I'm sleeping in until at least six o'clock now (I'd been waking up every morning at around four o'clock) and, as I just said to Rupert on the phone, ‘I've had a few little cravings for Luc but nothing major.’
Rupert congratulated me, then asked how I was getting on with my third assignment. This was to write down five things I like about myself. It seemed such a strange thing to do at first, but Rupert said being dumped can be a real confidence killer. This was to remind me what a great person I am.
Not only did I have to write out that list, I had to look at it first thing every morning.
‘And are you doing that?’ he asked. He sounded l
ike a doctor checking I'd been taking my tablets.
‘Yes, heaven help me, I am,’ I laughed.
‘Well, don't stop now, and if you ever want to add to that list…’
‘Oh no, finding five things was really stretching it,’ I said.
THURSDAY 6 AUGUST
2.30 p.m.
Now I've got another assignment (they certainly come thick and fast). This time I have to do three things I've never done before. And at least one of the three should be something that feels a bit daring. Rupert told me about one Ex-Files member who took up hang-gliding. As I gasped a bit at this he went on, ‘But other members have started a new hobby or sport or given themselves a completely different look. It's entirely up to you.’
‘And that's my homework for today, is it?’ I said, just a trifle wearily. But still, I suppose these assignments do get you thinking about something else other than you know who.
3.30 p.m.
For one of my assignments I've decided I shall give myself a new look, starting with a completely different hairstyle tomorrow.
FRIDAY 7 AUGUST
11.35 a.m.
An emergency. Right out of the blue, as well.
At half past nine I had my hair cut. It's much shorter now, a bit like Juliette's, actually. I watched all my hair falling on to the floor; it was as if I was shedding my old self as well. The new me shimmered into my head: much more sophisticated and worldly and at ease with herself, not always trying to please other people either. Already I felt transformed.
Then, as I waited for my change, I stared out of the window. The early morning sun had been smothered beneath a heavy mist, but now that had thinned out and another, bright shiny day stretched out in front of me. I was determined to enjoy every second of it, too.
And then I saw him.
I saw Luc walk right past the window. He had his head down so he didn't notice me. But I spotted him all right.
Just a few weeks ago if I'd seen Luc I'd have belted out of that hairdresser's, his face would have lit up with joy upon seeing me and we'd have gone off somewhere together. But today if I raced up to him there wouldn't be the trace of a smile. There's nothing left between us now… except awkwardness.
An aching, desperate sadness crashed over me… and then I must have fainted. The next thing I knew I was sitting in a chair with my head between my knees. Embarrassing wasn't the word. The girl who'd cut my hair – a chatty girl, dressed entirely in black, called Jo – brought me a glass of water. Another woman who was waiting to have her hair permed loomed over me and asked if I'd eaten any breakfast.
It was ridiculous, really. I just glimpse Luc for a moment and I turn into this pitiful, shuddering thing. I was ashamed of myself. Still, I told myself, no harm done. And when I finally tottered out of the hairdresser's Luc, of course, had well and truly vanished. So the danger was over. Only it wasn't. In fact, it was only just beginning.
You see, when I saw Luc he was walking with his head right down looking so fed-up and dejected. Did that mean – was there just the tiniest chance? – he might be missing me?
The idea slipped away but then returned with reinforcements! What if Luc is desperate to see me again but lacks the nerve to ring me up? That would be just like him.
I laughed out loud at myself, dreaming again.
Still, his walk was not a happy one. That was a fact. Something was bothering him. And it might be me.
Mightn't it?
MIGHTN'T IT?
Then, back in my bedroom I noticed something of Luc's which still lived in here – his CDs. I'd genuinely forgotten about them. Luc said I had lousy music taste (and I have) so he brought round his own CDs for us to listen to – and he'd never taken them back again. I expect he was missing them. And it would be quite a natural thing to call and casually enquire if he'd like them back.
Then Luc's got the chance to say… in my head I start imagining our conversation. But it's not real, I tell myself. I know that. The terrible thing about these cravings, though, is that they melt your mind.
And, quite suddenly, I found myself dialling Luc's number. I'll just very breezily ask him if he'd like his CDs back, that's all. His phone began ringing. Any moment now Luc could come on the line. But, all at once, it's not Luc's face which pops into my head, but Rupert's – gazing at me with such disappointment that I fling the phone away.
I just stand there panting for a few moments. Then I dial Rupert's number. He quickly grasps the urgency of the situation.
And he keeps talking to me, until he's got into his car. ‘Now I'm about five miles away, so I just need you to be strong for a bit longer until I come round. Can you manage that?’
‘I think so.’
‘Well done! When I've rung off, put your mobile down immediately and go and sit in a different room – preferably one that hasn't got any phones in. Will you do that?’
‘Yes, Rupert, I will.’
‘I'll be there soon – if not sooner.’
So I'm waiting for him in the bathroom. The craving hasn't gone away at all. I still want to call Luc so badly. It's agony, actually.
But now I can hear a car.
I so hope it's Rupert.
1.30 p.m.
It was Rupert.
He made us both a cup of tea and then just let me talk.
‘I almost spoke to Luc, you know… I dialled his number.’
‘Happens to the best of us,’ he said.
‘It was just that he looked so miserable and –’ my voice fell away – ‘as if he were missing me.’
‘Never, ever speculate,’ said Rupert, ‘because you're not thinking properly. You're just daydreaming.’ He got up and looked out of the window. ‘We've had Luc under unofficial surveillance, you know.’ He sounded like a policeman.
‘No, I didn't know,’ I replied.
He turned round. ‘It's all part of the service. We act as our clients' eyes, keeping a watch on their exs.’
‘And what have you found out about Luc?’ I asked.
Rupert shifted about for a moment. ‘Early days, of course… but we know he went to a barbecue last night.’
I made a strange kind of choking noise, which was almost a laugh. ‘So when I saw him he was just a bit hung over from the barbecue. He's been having the time of his life without me.’ I laughed mirthlessly again.
Rupert sat down opposite me on the couch again. He spoke softly, urgently. ‘Tell yourself you won't get back with Luc and your life will be so much better.’
I started with surprise. ‘You mean give up all hope?’
‘Well done, Bella,’ he cried excitedly. ‘You've grasped it right away. Hope is your biggest enemy… Hope keeps the fever bubbling inside you. Hope stops you from moving on.’ He added grimly, ‘And I'm an expert on this topic – I wrecked just about everything before I gave up hoping she'd come back to me.’
‘But she never did?’
‘Can you blame her? Night after night I used to stand outside her house. Spooky or what? I even started scaring myself. But I was totally off my head with hope. That's my excuse, anyhow.’
‘How long exactly did all this last?’
‘Oh, months and months, but I had no one to guide me. As a result, I failed all my A levels. In fact, I got unclassifieds, which is pretty tough to get. So I must have even misspelled my name.’
He laughed, shaking his head at the memory of it. ‘But I didn't care about anything except her… So this last year, while my friends are at university, I've been to evening classes resitting all my A levels.’ He leaned forward. ‘Never feel embarrassed about telling me anything, Bella. Whatever mistakes you make, I've made far, far worse ones.’
‘You've really cheered me up,’ I said. Then we both laughed because that seemed a callous thing to say after hearing about his heartache. But I felt such a strong bond with him. He was the one person who knew exactly how I felt. And although all that stuff about giving up hope had shocked me at first, he was speaking from experience. And I could und
erstand what he meant: when hope strikes it is like a fever, making you do the weirdest, most embarrassing things – well, hadn't I shown that today?
I wondered about the girl who'd so totally broken his heart. In fact, I would have loved to have found out some more about her, but I didn't want to seem nosy.
Rupert stayed with me until, as he put it, I was ‘out of danger’.
‘Absolutely no chance of me ringing Luc now,’ I said.
He nodded approvingly.
‘And I'm really, really pleased I didn't call him before. Think how humiliating that would have been. Thank you, Rupert, for saving me from that… Sometimes I think you're a bit like my guardian angel.’
I think Rupert really liked me saying that, because he grinned and said, ‘Well, we all need one of those.’
DANNY
Chapter 10
MONDAY 10 AUGUST
Nicole's losing her power over me.
I've only been a member of the Ex-Files for a few days but already it's changed my life, exceeded all my expectations. It's a big deal, actually.
Their motto is: ‘There's no one you can't get over.’ And they say hope is our biggest enemy. I'm finding out how true that is. For instance, Nicole got back from holiday on Saturday and every time the phone went over the weekend hope boiled up inside me that it would be her. My head was thick with dreams of reconciliation – so did she call? Of course not. And I saw at first hand how destructive hope could be. And how hard it is to give up.
Mum and Dad noticed I was going through it this weekend. Mum even tried to talk to me about Nicole. I actually blushed. This wasn't a suitable subject for my mum even though… Well, I've never told anyone this, but my parents nearly broke up last year. Dad even moved out for a bit but then they went and saw some marriage guru or other and patched things up. Now I was quite impressed by that. I know Nicole and I were not married but I tell you, we didn't have the rows Mum and Dad had either. We just had a disagreement over James going on holiday – for which I have apologized.
I still can't believe she threw our whole relationship away for him! I only hope he's worth it. Maybe one day she'll meet a boy James will approve of – although personally, I have my doubts. I think the only guy James sees as Nicole's boyfriend is himself. But she'll have to find that out for herself because I don't care any more. Like I said, she's losing her power over me.
