by Unknown
‘But I was just so frightened of making it worse.’
‘It couldn't have been much worse.’
He reached forward and squeezed my hand. It was one of his little gestures, especially when we were out and we didn't want to parade our feelings like some couples do. So it was just a tiny, private show of affection that only we shared. And right then it knocked all the breath out of me. In fact, I had to look away.
Then he murmured, ‘Andrea really misses you, you know,’ and the mood between us was instantly smashed. I took my hand away from his.
‘Do you want another hot chocolate?’ I walked over to the sink.
He shook his head and went on, ‘No, she really does. She told me once you are her only true friend.’
I gave a brief, highly ironic laugh and said quietly but firmly, ‘She betrayed me.’
‘Yes, all right,’ he said quickly. ‘But don't just blame Andrea. It isn't all her fault. In fact, she's the one who wanted to tell you weeks before…’ He stopped, covered in confusion now.
I could feel my breath coming in tiny gasps. Then words floated up from somewhere inside me. ‘I'm so sorry,’ I hissed. ‘I thought you and Andrea discovered love with a capital L when I was away on holiday. I had no idea this passion between you had been smouldering away before then.’
‘Bella,’ he cried sharply.
‘No, please, I really want to know. How long had you and Andrea been pining for each other? Stop me when I get it right. One month?’ I waited. He didn't answer. ‘No, what about two months, or three months or how about the entire time you and I were going out together?’
He shook his head. He suddenly looked completely lost. Normally I'd have stopped there. There was something about Luc which made you want to protect him, but not now. My voice rose shrilly. ‘No, I'd really like to know how long you and my best friend had been plotting this…’
He turned away. ‘I should go.’
‘No, don't go.’ The words were tearing out of me now. ‘I want to know what was wrong with me. Why did you dump me? Come on, tell me,’ I shrieked.
Suddenly Luc whirled round and cried in a kind of screaming whisper, ‘You just wanted so much from me. And you never left me alone. You took over my entire life… I couldn't breathe. I had to finish with you even if… even if I'd never set eyes on Andrea.’
He was actually shaking now. I shrunk back. Then, in a kind of trance, I said slowly, ‘I didn't know. Why didn't you say something?’
‘I tried to,’ he hissed, ‘but you never seemed to be listening.’
I sank down in a chair. I felt as if I'd just been hit very hard. I'd never for a moment suspected that Luc had been unhappy with me for so long. This was so terrible I couldn't react at all. It was as if I'd completely seized up.
He came over to me, slowly, with his head lowered. ‘I shouldn't have said…’
‘Yes, you should,’ I gasped.
‘I didn't mean to upset you,’ he cried. ‘That was the last thing… Andrea thought…’ He faltered.
I looked up. ‘Let me help you. Andrea thought leaving us alone would be a good chance for you to talk her up. Am I right?’
‘She just wanted,’ cried Luc, ‘us all to be friends again.’
‘Well, that won't be happening. Ever.’ My voice sounded as sharp as steel. It even shocked me. ‘Perhaps you'd tell her that. And would you do me another little favour?’
‘Yes,’ he said quietly.
‘Don't ever call round to see me again.’ My voice began to tremble. ‘Not you… or her. Do you understand?’
He looked right at me. ‘I understand exactly.’ Then he announced, ‘I suppose I'd better go.’
‘Yes,’ I agreed. ‘Goodbye then,’ I added crisply.
Without another word he walked out of the door and into the dim, wet night.
After he'd gone I just stood there like a zombie, still frozen with shock and horror. Outside, I could hear the rain rattling against the glass. It was such a restless night that I suddenly pictured myself running out into it, shrieking with misery and then… collapsing. Later, someone (my dad – but not with Gloria, please) would find me and carry me inside. Only my heart had weakened so badly I only had a few hours left to live.
I especially enjoyed my deathbed scene, as Luc rushed over to me, his face contorted with grief. ‘Now that it's too late, I can see what I'm losing,’ he cried. You're the finest person I know.’
I nodded my agreement and, with a forgiving smile fluttering across my lips, slipped away forever.
It was an incredibly silly daydream, but oddly comforting. Of course, it would never happen. For a start I'd never deliberately get wet, even if my heart was breaking. Also, I doubted if Luc would turn up at my deathbed in person (I'd be lucky to get a farewell email) and even if he did, and started blubbing, it wouldn't be because of his reawakened love for me. No, it would just be guilt for the girlfriend he'd wanted to dump for weeks and weeks and weeks because his heart had started its traitorous journey away from me, long before I ever went on holiday.
I started to cry then. Well, who wouldn't after hearing news like that? Great, tearing sobs that seemed to erupt out of me. Tilly sat whimpering beside me. I think my loud crying had frightened her, so I gave her a big hug and let her lick my face all over (unhygienic, but who cares). I didn't feel better exactly – but I was calmer now and just had this dull, heavy ache, like bad toothache.
I started thinking again about Rupert barging into my life last night. He knew seeing Luc would be a ‘disaster’, to quote the word he'd used. And he'd wanted to protect me from all that pain, wrap it away.
I felt such a rush of affection for him then. But when I called Rupert his answer phone was on so I left a message saying, ‘It's me, Rupert, that awful, stroppy girl from last night. If you're still talking to me and haven't banned me from the Ex-Files –’ I laughed nervously here – ‘I need your advice urgently.
‘You see, Luc and Andrea turned up here TOTALLY UNINVITED and I'd really like to talk to you about what happened. So when you have a spare moment, give me a ring. Take care. Bye.’
I'm sure Rupert will tell me off for letting Luc and Andrea in. But I don't care about any of that.
I just want to see him.
DANNY
Chapter 18
SATURDAY 29 AUGUST
Email to Danny
Hi Danny
Thanks for your email. Gary has also explained to me what happened and I think I understand it all now. I haven't told Juliette and Rupert about any of this, and I'd rather you didn't either.
One last thing: when I spoke to you on the phone (when you were pretending to be Gary, who was pretending to be you) I did notice how different you sounded. Not so much your voice (you disguised that pretty well), but you were gentler, more sympathetic. I thought, I'm talking to the real Danny now – well, I suppose I was, wasn't I?
Leah
Danny to Leah
Leah, thanks for getting back to me. I never thought you would. I was knocked out by your message. You took recent events amazingly well – sign of a quality person.
By the way, I know Gary took you bowling - but, interestingly, it's a favourite activity of mine too. So if ever you would like to go bowling with the real Danny – call me!
Incidentally, last night I passed my Phase One. Rupert and Juliette organized a little celebration for me. But they tell me I've still got a major relapse to look forward to (what fun!). So maybe you'd rather wait to go bowling with me when I'm completely cured. Or maybe you'd rather not go at all. The choice, of course, is entirely yours.
Best
Danny
Leah to Danny
Hi Danny
Yes, I'd love to go bowling with you.
School starts again (worse luck) on Tuesday. So how about meeting up on our last night of freedom, on Sunday night? Let me know if that's OK.
Best
Leah
PS Glad to hear you're planning to turn up in
person this time, as I shan't accept any substitutes!!
Danny to Leah
Leah, I just had to say right away that Sunday night is highly OK to go bowling with you. I'll ring you shortly to firm up things.
My very best
Danny – the one true one
BELLA
Chapter 19
TUESDAY 1 SEPTEMBER
First day back at school. I'd been dreading it, but not for any of the usual reasons.
Andrea was practically the first person I saw. ‘Hello,’ she said in this affected but dismissive way.
‘Hi,’ I nodded.
The girl she was with – Lydia – totally ignored me. Then they linked arms and walked off together.
Andrea's clearly given up trying to make up with me. Luc must have told her what I'd said that evening they came round. But meeting her at school wasn't too bad, really – it was after school I hated. For there was Luc, in exactly the spot he used to wait for me – directly opposite the school gate, slouched against that large oak tree. Only he wasn't waiting for me any more.
I watched Andrea rush over to him and kiss him very fervently. Then she clung to his arm and they walked off dead slowly, as if they wanted to stretch out their every second together.
At one point Andrea looked around at me. A horrible, gloating stare as if to say, look what I've got. But I didn't let on that I'd seen her and even managed to keep a small smile on my face.
Inside, of course it hurt and hurt. Juliette had warned me that it would. She also said, ‘The next time you see them together will be nearly as painful – but not quite. And each time it will go on hurting just a little less, until one day Luc and Andrea will seem a million miles away from you.’
Juliette has been so helpful these past few days but I do miss Rupert. I haven't spoken to him since that night at Pizza Paradiso. It's always Juliette I see now.
She told me, ‘Rupert's had a lot resting on his shoulders lately, so he's having a bit of a break.’
Well, he certainly deserves one. But when I asked Juliette how long Rupert's holiday would last, she was very vague.
DANNY
Chapter 20
For the attention of Danny
THE BIG RELAPSE CHECKLIST
Have you displayed any of the following symptoms?
Started dreaming about your ex.
Begun remembering your time with your ex and are getting very nostalgic about it.
Had sudden overwhelming cravings to see your ex.
Keep being reminded of your ex (songs, etc.)
Think you've got a chance of getting back with your ex.
If you have ticked three of the following, stay on full alert: a big relapse could well be on its way.
If you have ticked four or more, your big relapse HAS DEFINITELY STARTED. There is no need to panic. But make sure you contact Rupert or Juliette IMMEDIATELY.
You have come so far – don't lose the final battle. Be vigilant at all times.
THERE'S NO ONE YOU CAN'T GET OVER.
WEDNESDAY 16 SEPTEMBER
I've come down with the dreaded relapse, haven't I?
Lately I've been feeling so far away from Nicole – and it's been great. But last night she oozed up from the deep and I had a dream about her. We were on a train going somewhere or other; we might even have been going on holiday because we were both in such a good mood. We were laughing and kissing in this carriage we had all to ourselves.
Then I woke up but I was highly alarmed because I know dreaming about your ex is a classic symptom of the big relapse. Other symptoms quickly followed, including tonight…
Tonight I had such a strong craving to see her that I ended up hanging around outside Colby's Bookshop. I was waiting to see her arrive for Teens Take Action, just as if she were some local movie star or something.
Some part of me knew what I was doing was dead stupid. But I didn't listen. I told myself I was only there to gaze at her – so where's the harm in that? And I could do nothing else. It was as if I'd been hypnotized. That's the only way I can describe it.
What saved me was that Ex-Files’ checklist. I found it in my pocket (don't even remember putting it there, but there it was) and for a few glorious moments sanity surged through my veins once more. I called Rupert, briefly explaining my plight. He just said, ‘I'll be right there.’ No Spiderman hero could have acted more swiftly.
And before I knew it, a strong hand had fallen upon my shoulder. I looked up gratefully at Rupert. ‘Hope you weren't having your tea or anything when I rang,’ I said.
Rupert just patted me on the shoulder, as if to say when the big relapse strikes you down, food ceases to matter. He half-steered me away from the bookshop, cracking jokes as he did so.
After that Rupert and I went for a little walk. But already it was over. ‘That was your first intense craving,’ said Rupert. ‘You'll almost certainly get some more. But next time it strikes, just keep saying to yourself, ‘I'm bigger and stronger than this.”
He went on, ‘And watch out too for flashbacks. You'll probably get some very powerful ones. Only memories are tricky things – and right now not to be trusted. So be on your guard at all times.’ Sometimes Rupert's like my coach. And tonight he certainly got me all fired up – and determined to beat this big relapse!
Just before I got home I had another craving – for chocolate. I was about to pop into my local shop when who should I see coming out of it but Nicole – with James. I quickly swerved away so they didn't notice me.
But I was amazed – first of all that Nicole wasn't at Teens Take Action. And secondly, why on earth were they frequenting my cramped, pokey, humble little shop? There are much better shops around where she lives. And she knows I only live up the road. Talk about inconsiderate. No wonder ice-cold rage shot through my veins.
I was in a bit of a state after that. So I went round to see Leah. She and I are really good mates now. In fact, I see her practically every night. I know all her family, too – I get on especially well with her mum. She thinks I'm a ‘nice lad’ – a bit of contrast to Nicole's parents, there.
Leah's very gentle but with this great sense of humour just bubbling under the surface all the time. And she's someone I can really talk to!
Anyway, Leah cheered me up tonight (we're very good at cheering each other up) and I feel really strong now.
Nicole might have come rushing back into my life today, like a river that's been dammed up. But this really was her farewell appearance.
And in about a week I should be in full remission from her, just in time for my birthday, in fact.
So on my birthday I should be rid of her forever.
Something to celebrate all right!
BELLA
Chapter 21
THURSDAY 17 SEPTEMBER
Every day after school Andrea's meeting with Luc becomes more dramatic. Often she'll squeal out his name from the school gates (sometimes Lydia will join in, making them sound like two cheerleaders). Then she'll pelt into his arms, acting as if he's just returned from a far-distant war rather than the school down the road.
And I know all this theatricality is at least partly for my benefit. Andrea's hurt that I've spurned all her attempts at reconciliation, so now she wants to really rub my nose in it, making me suffer just as much as she can.
More than once I've noticed Luc look highly embarrassed by Andrea's antics. I've even started to get waves of sympathy from some of the other girls, too. A few have even begun calling things while she's slobbering over Luc. But Andrea, who's usually so quick to notice which way the wind is blowing, seems blind to all this. She's so totally obsessed with making me feel bad.
This afternoon, though, something completely unexpected happened. Andrea was away so I assumed Luc wouldn't be hanging opposite the school gates. But no, there he was as usual. I guessed he hadn't realized Andrea was absent today. Well, I wasn't going to tell him. Let him wait for her all night. I didn't care.
But then Luc called, ‘
Hey, Bella,’ and my heart took a sudden leap. It was as if I'd travelled back a couple of months to all those times he'd hung about for me.
He jumped in front of me, saying, ‘Can I walk for a bit with you?’
‘There's no law against it,’ I replied gruffly. I told my heart to stop leaping about. Luc was an ex now. So I should be highly wary. In fact, the Ex-Files would say I shouldn't talk to him at all. I had all my wits about me, though. ‘Andrea's away today,’ I said.
‘I know,’ he replied. Then he added, in a low voice, ‘I've been wanting to speak to you for days.’
‘Oh, I'm here every afternoon,’ I said lightly. ‘No appointment necessary, just come up and chat away.’
‘Bella.’ The way he said my name, very softly, made me look at him. ‘I said some things to you last time that I didn't mean. I've wanted to apologize ever since… and to say that we had some very good times together.’
‘Well, I'm so glad you remembered them,’ I said flippantly. ‘That's made my year.’ I turned away as if to say this conversation is now over. I had an awful lump in my throat, but I didn't want Luc to know it. That's why I started walking faster. I spoke quickly too, in a voice just above a whisper. ‘And it's all in the past now.’
He stopped and shook his head. ‘You can't split your life up into neat little sections: that's my past, that's my present. It all flows together – Bella, it's all one.’
Luc often came up with philosophical nuggets like that. It was one of the things which made him stand apart from most other boys.
He went on, ‘And us not speaking… I hate it. It really tears me up,’ and his voice actually throbbed as he said this. ‘I couldn't even tell you how much I like the way you're done your hair. It really suits you.’
The compliment caught me off balance. ‘Oh thanks, I just felt like a change.’ I could have added, ‘And you know all about feeling like a change,’ only my mood had totally altered. I even noticed for the first time what a lovely afternoon it was: earlier it had been raining, but everything was sparkling now and smelled so green. The perfect backdrop for Luc to say he wants to come back to me. This was what he was building up to, wasn't it? It had to be. I tried very hard to keep a hopeful look from breaking out all over my face. But my heart wouldn't be restrained: it was pounding loudly and shamelessly.
