The ball was getting muddier and muddier now, as it tore through the field and down towards the cliffs. Rabbits ran from bushes. Squirrels bounded up trees. Foxes and badgers scarpered from the thunderous din.
‘If that ball goes over the cliff and into the sea, it’s all over!’ yelled Hamish. ‘We have to stop it!’
‘The fence!’ yelled Alice, pointing at the old wooden fence at the end of the field. ‘The fence will stop it!!’
CRASH!
The ball smashed through the fence like it hadn’t even been there and continued to roll, not slowing for a second. This was a disaster!
‘Wait! Look!’ shouted Hamish, suddenly finding hope. ‘Mud!’
The field at the edge of the cliff was wet and brown. But, even if the mud stopped the ball, all they’d have to show for their great plan was a chipped and muddy ball. Hamish’s dad and Belasko were heading for the tugboat. This wasn’t where they’d agreed to meet at all.
This plan was going wrong seriously quickly: 94 per cent of plans do. But . . .
‘It’s slowing down!’ yelled Clover, pelting through the broken fence.
And it was.
The ball – which had looked unstoppable just moments ago – was sinking into the mud, carving a dent into the ground behind it as it rolled.
But was that enough?
Just as it was nearing the very edge of the perilous cliff, over which it would be lost to the sea forever . . .
It cluuuuuuuunkered to a stop.
‘Oh thank goodness!’ yelled Buster, huffing and puffing as the gang and Vinnie caught up with it. The ball was safe. Teetering on a cliff edge, but safe.
‘Look at it!’ said Clover, sadly.
It was filthy. Damaged.
It no longer looked anything like a Nuclear Ball.
It looked like a giant, manky Malteser.
‘I’ll repaint what I can!’ said Clover, bringing out her tiny pot, but already knowing she’d brought nowhere near enough.
And as she tried her best to quickly slather yellow paint over mud, and did nothing but create a sort of beige mush, the wind rose.
Though this was no ordinary wind.
The kids were used to the sea breeze down here on the coast, but this was a stronger wind altogether. This was a menacing wind.
They’d been so busy screaming and running and chasing the ball that they’d not yet noticed what else was in the air.
The harsh hum of .
Hamish looked up as a looming shadow crept over his gang, blocking out the sky from view.
The Superiors were right above them.
Superior Intellect
Hamish knew his dad had told him not to do anything. That meant run away or hide. Keep out of trouble and danger until the Belasko agents got there. But who knew when that would be.
Hamish Ellerby was a good boy, but enough was enough.
This was not a time to just do what he was told.
This was not a time to run, or hide.
This was a time to act.
Just like Alice had so confidently said in the great sweet shop spytrap siege – you don’t need permission to save the world!
Hamish burst into action, using his sleeve to try and wipe some of the mud away so he could reveal the part that read NOTICE: THIS IS A NUCLEAR BALL. But some of the mud was harder to remove than other bits, and all he did was now reveal the words:
‘Act disappointed!’ said Hamish, his wild black hair thrashing around in the wind as the airship creaked and groaned in the sky. ‘Keep saying “Nuclear Ball”!’
‘OH, NO!’ yelled Venk, giving it a go. ‘THEY’RE GOING TO GET OUR NUCLEAR BALL!’
‘YES!’ said Alice. ‘WHICH THIS DEFINITELY IS!’
She pointed at it for clarity.
‘I AGREE!’ added Clover, desperately. ‘WHAT A PITY THIS NUCLEAR BALL IS SO MUDDY AND DIFFICULT TO IDENTIFY AS A NUCLEAR BALL!’ ‘WORRY NOT!’ yelled Elliot. ‘ITS NUCLEAR CAPABILITIES WILL NOT BE RADICALLY DIMINISHED!’
But, even while shouting, their voices were tiny and drowned out by the VOOVs from the ship above.
Vinnie sank low into his trolley, staring up at the Superiors’ craft, growling like a scared but angry dog and cowering beneath the tartan flap.
‘It’s not going to work,’ said Hamish, his face falling. ‘They’re not going to go for it!’
‘Believe, Hamish,’ said Alice. ‘We’ve done all we can. This has to work!’
Then, from nowhere: a shaft of green light shot from the airship and surrounded the fake Nuclear Ball. The light stretched upwards like a tunnel.
The kids stepped back.
What was this? A gamma ray? A laser?
The ball began to shake and quake. Mud flew from it to reveal the paint and metal panels underneath. It looked like a Nuclear Ball again. Maybe the Superiors thought the kids had tried to disguise it with mud and dirt! The ball started to rise, and gently spin, and now it was halfway between the kids and the airship, suspended in the air.
‘It’s working,’ said Alice. ‘See, Hamish? They’re taking it aboard!’
But Hamish knew something was wrong.
The ball wasn’t travelling upwards any more. It was just hanging there, spinning.
Bright red lasers shot from every corner of the airship and found the ball, tracing round its edges and moving right the way across it.
‘They’re scanning it,’ said Elliot. ‘They’re checking its properties!’
‘It’ll be okay,’ said Alice, more to herself than anyone. ‘It has to be.’
And then a moment of silence.
Followed by BWAAAAA-HAAAAAA-HAAAAAAA-HAAAAAAAA!
The laughter broadcast from the Superiors’ tannoys shook the very ground the kids stood on. Part of the cliff seemed to creak and crack beneath them.
Were they laughing because they thought they’d found what they came for?
Or because they knew it wasn’t?
A moment later, the shaft of green light disappeared and the ball DROPPED to the ground with a KA-THUD.
Mud flew everywhere and the kids had their answer.
They’d thought they could outsmart the Superiors. The Superiors had outsmarted them. The Superiors would always outsmart them.
Now a new green shaft of light appeared and surrounded Hamish.
‘Hamish!’ screamed Alice, trying to pull him out of it.
The Superiors were going to take him instead of the ball. They were going to kidnap the son of Belasko’s number-one agent.
He could already feel that his feet were a few centimetres off the ground.
‘Grab him!’ yelled Buster, and the rest of the PDF leapt around Hamish, pulling his shoulders down and clinging onto his feet.
And, though he should have felt terrified, Hamish just felt small and silly and stupid.
Of course they’d have known that this was just a big sweet. How could Hamish have thought they wouldn’t have realised it was just a big sweet and not a giant Nuclear Ball?
Now he had to accept his fate.
He looked at his friends. At poor, hard-working Alice, who’d taught him so much. At Buster, so full of hope. Even at Vinnie, this poor little spytrap who would now doubtless suffer at the hands of his old masters. He’d probably be put straight back in a spytrap field, and be kept starving, and whipped, and made to feel awful all his life and then scoffed with some ketchup. Whatever happened to Hamish and Starkley, poor Vinnie would suffer too. At least Hamish had shown him some kindness. Poor thing must be terrified, thought Hamish, selflessly, as, despite the best efforts of his friends, he continued to slowly rise.
But Vinnie did not look terrified.
He looked defiant.
‘SCRAAAAAWWWL!!!’
He began to rise out of his shopping trolley, as Hamish gently spun in the air, seeing his friends, then the water . . . his friends, then the water . . .
And, as he looked into the rough and violent sea, at the sea he knew so well but felt he might be loo
king at for the very last time, he spotted the crash of unusual waves in the distance.
Something occurred to him.
‘Vinnie,’ he shouted, snapping out of it, ‘scream again!’
‘What are you doing?’ yelled Alice, still holding onto his shoelaces. ‘You’re being kidnapped and you’re asking a plant to scream?’
Hamish did his best impression of a spytrap scream.
‘SCRAAAAAAWWWL!’ he yelled, flapping his arms. ‘SCRAAAAAWL!’
It was quite clear to his friends that, under all this pressure, Hamish had gone mad.
‘Come on!’ screamed Hamish to the others, as Alice finally lost her grip. ‘SCRAAAAAWL!’
‘Scrawl?’ said Alice.
‘Louder!’ urged Hamish, and the gang all joined in, because at this stage, why not?
And then Vinnie understood what they wanted him to do.
‘SCRAAAAAAWWWWL!’ he shrieked, waving his great viney arms.
‘SCRAAAAAWWWWL!’
The piercing scream nearly popped the odd eardrum, but it cut through the and was carried along on the wind.
‘SCRAWWWL!’ yelled Elliot and Buster and Venk.
‘SCRAAAAAWL!’ yelled Vinnie.
And, a moment later, in the sea, the waves began to rise . . .
‘SCRAAAWWL!’ yelled Hamish, arms flapping. ‘Keep going!’
‘SCRAAAAAAAAWWWWL!’ shrieked Vinnie, LOUDER than ever, and it was at that moment that the PDF felt the thunder of powerful waves tumble towards the shore and SMASH against the cliffs.
Water and seaweed and whelks and small confused crabs flew through the air.
The sea monster rose from the watery depths.
FWARP!
The salt water had obviously been very healthy for the Venus spytrap that now towered above them.
It had grown to an unbelievable height and stood rigid, unaffected by the wind and waves that whipped around it.
It dripped with seaweed and moss.
Its thick arms were covered in blistering barnacles and there was an old bicycle wedged between its colossal beige teeth.
The airship had started to turn when it saw it, turning off its shaft of green light in a panic and sending poor Hamish tumbling to the ground. He landed on the NUCLEAR BALL and bounced off.
The airship had almost trembled when the plant appeared from the seabed, but now it regained its confidence and turned to face it. Hamish reckoned that the moment the Superiors recognised the beast as a spytrap, they had decided they could make it their own. Another slave for the field! And what a feast it would make . . .
The spytrap had other ideas.
It crashed its great head down into the water, sending huge waves pounding onto the shore, and flinging the seaweed from its face to get a better look at the airship and whatever had apparently been calling for it.
Down on the cliffs, it blinked as it registered a tiny Venus spytrap called Vinnie, plus a smattering of those strange miniature human things.
It roared.
‘SCRAAAAAAAWWWWLLL!’
Hundreds of fish flew from its mouth, followed by muck and old plastic bags and another bicycle.
‘Hamish,’ whispered Alice. ‘I’m not sure this was one of your better ideas.’
‘Somehow,’ added Elliot, ‘you have made a bad situation even worse.’
The PDF were spattered by gunk as the monster drew closer . . . BOOM BOOM BOOM . . . pulling its own roots through the muddy ocean floor, carving it up like a tractor carves up a field.
The airship flew lower now, with Terribles pressed up against the windows, and Superiors barking instructions. They were excited. They hadn’t expected to grow their own sea monster. The complete destruction of Earth was going to be so much easier now!
‘Hold still,’ said Hamish. ‘Show it no fear!’
But even Vinnie was cowering now. He shuddered as the giant version of himself lowered one ginormous head until it was just centimetres from his own, and one more time . . .
‘SCRAAAAAAWWWWWWLLLLLL!’
The kids’ hair all blew back from the force of its call.
Its breath was hideous. Its eyes were black. The sea had done nothing to blunt its sharp teeth.
‘Now, Vinnie,’ whispered Hamish. ‘Now!’
Shaking, Vinnie found his confidence.
He stretched himself taller.
And said . . .
‘mew.’
The giant spytrap blinked, twice.
Vinnie tried again.
‘mew mew.’
‘BUUUUUHF?’ roared the beast.
‘mewmewmew!’ said Vinnie, his bravery growing.
The giant spytrap began to snortle and sniff. Great puffs of black smoke covered the kids in soot.
Alice stared. Were Vinnie and the giant spytrap . . . communicating?
‘BEAST!’ came the voice of the Superiors over the tannoy. ‘BE STILL! DESTROY THE HUMANS! JOIN YOUR MASTERS!’
‘mew mew’ said Vinnie, nodding up at the airship, at those who had been so cruel to their kind. He threw his leafy arms back and forth as he did so.
‘Vinnie,’ whispered Hamish and then he nodded towards the Nuclear Ball.
Vinnie continued his chatter and, as he did so, the giant trap snapped its head upwards, to stare at the airship above.
It took in the Superiors, studied the nasty, awful Terribles pressed up against each window, almost slathering in anticipation, their greasy, fat fingers tightening round their whips.
‘BOW DOWN!’ screamed the Superiors. ‘BOW DOWN TO US!’
The spytrap took one more look at Vinnie.
Vinnie stared up at it.
Then the spytrap LUUURCHED towards the children, its mouth open, its huge fangs dripping and gleaming.
‘It’s going to EAT US!’ screamed Venk.
And, just as Hamish was about to say his final goodbyes, the beast CHAMPED its teeth round the Nuclear Ball, whipped its head back and flung it straight at the airship!
Through the air it flew!
A direct hit!
The airship rocked and groaned as the speeding ball ripped through its side.
Two of its motors stopped, and it tipped from left to right, as the Superiors struggled to control it.
‘It just needs to hit the water tank!’ said Hamish. ‘If it can just hit the—’
The biggest boom you’ve ever heard! In fact, it was more like:
Thundering great splinters of wood and plastic and metal spun and twirled through the air. The oversized Scandi Candgrenade had worked! The airship turned and tried to fly, but it was no good . . . this airship was an airship no longer.
BOOOM! CCCHH! POW! it went, as the deadly, industrial-strength Norwegian popping candy did its business. Colourful shards of ship and candy streaked through the air, twizzling about, exploding over the sea.
This was the greatest fireworks display Starkley had ever seen!
‘It worked!’ screamed Alice, punching the air. ‘Hamish! It worked!’
Dozens of tiny emergency escape pods shot from the side of the airship, as it thundered down towards the waves. The pods weren’t hanging around – they were obviously programmed to head straight back to Venus the second they were released.
More and more of them left the craft and shot through the sky, up into the cosmos, flashing as they left the atmosphere, leaving only chaos behind them.
The empty airship crashed into the sea, sending heavy waves rocketing upwards.
The monster, Vinnie and the kids all stared up into the sky.
They had done it.
They should be very proud of themselves.
And they were.
Until they realised that just because the Superiors had gone, that didn’t mean they were entirely . . . well . . . safe.
Sure, they’d worked with a monster to rid the world of danger.
But that still left them standing totally alone on a cliff top . . . with a monster.
Slowly, the gargantuan aquatic s
pytrap lowered its mammoth head to take in the small group once more.
It stared at the children. Licked its enormous lips.
Hamish and the PDF began to back away, hiding behind Vinnie.
‘MEW?’ said the beast, nodding at the children, and now looking rather hungrier than it had before.
‘MEW,’ said Vinnie, sternly, making himself bigger, spreading his little leafy arms, shaking his head.
A moment passed.
Then the giant beast nodded slightly, turned and stalked off, back into the sea, the hunt for fish and moss and rusty old bikes very much back on.
As it disappeared under the waves, nearby the airship groaned as it sank, massive pockets and bubbles of air rising to the surface of the sea with an extremely surprising FWWWWWWAAAAAAAARRRRRPPPP.
And the PDF began to shake with the glorious pure laughter of relief, as Elliot said, ‘Told you there’d be a GravityFart!’
Return to Starkley
Halfway through the PDF’s triumphant walk home, Hamish’s dad was speeding down the road in his Belasko lorry until all sixteen wheels skidded to a halt. Great plumes of smoke rose from behind it as the tyre rubber marked the road.
‘Hamish!’ yelled Dad, jumping out. ‘Kids!’
‘Dad!’ said Hamish. ‘Did you see?’
‘Did I see?’ he said. ‘Did I see you take on the Superiors?’
Hamish nodded, delighted.
‘Did I see you raise a sea monster?’ said Dad. ‘Yes, I saw, Hamish. And I was amazed!’
But Hamish’s dad didn’t look like he was happy to be amazed.
‘I was amazed because I told you not to do anything. I told you to wait!’
The PDF all looked at each other. Were they in trouble? How could they be in trouble after all that?
‘Do you have any idea how dangerous that was?’ said Hamish’s dad. ‘It’s one thing coming up with a plan, son. And I even let you be part of it. But it’s another thing entirely to do what you did. Particularly when I said not to!’
Hamish had been staring at the ground as his dad spoke.
But then he looked up, like some fire had been lit inside him.
Hamish and the GravityBurp Page 12
