‘Sorry, but if you could see yourself.’ He doubles over again. ‘You’re covered in it!’
What a way to make me feel better about almost killing myself. I mean, if the mud wasn’t there I could have easily broken my nose.
I cross my arms over my chest. ‘Well, thanks for making me feel even more embarrassed than I was before.’
He stops laughing, though it looks like a serious effort. ‘Come on,’ he smiles. ‘Let’s catch up with the others and get you dunked in the waterfall.’
Jesus, why is my life such a mess?
After what feels like forever trekking, we finally find a clearing, the sun shining through in invitation. Light at the end of the tunnel springs to mind. The minute the sun hits us, relief runs through my body. We’re safe. We’re not going to be left out here to be eaten by ravenous lizards.
‘Agh!’ someone screams.
I open my eyes to see Alice looking at me in revulsion, her eyes twice the size they usually are. ‘What happened to you?’
I roll my eyes, shaking my head. ‘I fell in mud, obviously.’
Molly, Brooke and the guys are already in the lagoon swimming.
‘Eww!’ Molly shrieks when she spots me. ‘Quick, Erica, jump in and wash that off.’
I look at the murky green water. Most people would call it beautiful as the sun shimmers atop it. I can’t stop thinking about potential snakes.
‘No, don’t!’ Brooke shouts, with a cackle. ‘I don’t want that shit getting into the water.’
‘Gee thanks.’
Jack whips his top up and over his head, exposing his beautiful body in all its glory. It never fails to leave me drooling. He dives in, not a care in the world.
‘Come on in, E,’ he shouts, whipping his hair back off his face. Jesus, he’s like an aftershave commercial.
That’s the first time he’s ever called me E. It gives me a stupid thrill. Oh, why the hell not. If only to get this shit off my face and wash away the sweat I’ve accumulated.
I dive in, gladly washing the crap off of me with the shockingly warm water. It’s almost like a bath, only with sunshine pouring onto my face. Bliss.
Evelyn looks on distastefully, her lip curled and her nose crinkled. She’s avoided me ever since last night. I’ve decided that I’m not going to let her mood ruin mine. I’m doing nothing wrong.
Jack takes my hand and pulls me towards the waterfall. I look up at it and take in the beauty of it. It must be three storeys high, the blue water thundering down so loudly I can’t hear what Jack’s trying to say to me. How can water be so beautiful and powerful? It’s a sobering thought.
The closer I swim the more apprehensive I feel. This could hurt, no? The way it’s pelting into the lagoon makes me think of how it’ll feel on my skin. He grins back at me, apparently completely unafraid of the same thing. I take a quick, deep breath before he pulls me underneath it. The water assaults me, so powerful it almost drags me under the water. Jack pulls me further still until we’re underneath it.
I open my eyes to see that we survived. It’s darker and secluded here, just the kind of atmosphere I’m looking for. I lick my lips at the sight of his bronzed body dripping wet. How is he not a male model?
I ache to taste his lips again. As if reading my mind, he pulls me closer, taking hold of my face and drawing my mouth up to his. His lips are soft, but firm at the same time. He groans, my pulse leaping in response. I squirm, wrapping my arms around his neck, desperate to be even closer. If heaven exists it’s right here underneath this waterfall right now.
He kisses me until I feel ready to melt with the heat burning through my body. He finally pulls back, leaving me to whimper in frustration.
‘We should probably get back,’ he says between laboured breaths, his voice hoarse. ‘Before they start looking for us.’
‘Okay,’ I agree begrudgingly, still feeling dizzy from those lips.
We go back under the waterfall, again it hitting me so hard I almost fall under, finally emerging on the other side. The sun seems brighter now. Tom, Molly and Alice are looking over, their eyes wide.
‘You should try it!’ I wave. ‘It’s amazing!’
Wait, why do they look so shocked? Like they’ve been stunned into silence. Tom wolf whistles.
‘Huh?’ Jack says over my shoulder. ‘Shit!’
He grabs onto my tits from behind, cupping them shamelessly.
‘Jack!’ I hiss, ‘people are watching.’
‘I’m aware,’ he whispers back. ‘Because your bikini top has disappeared. Again.’
Oh my god. I look down and he’s right. My upper half is naked. What the fuck. I search around in the water, doing the best I can without moving Jack and exposing myself again, but I can’t find it. Well this is a fucking disaster. How can this be happening again?
‘What is it with your need to expose yourself?’ he laughs into my ear.
We move closer to them. Molly looks on with sympathy. Do the others? No. They’re too busy singing ‘get your tits out for the lads!’ Fuck my life.
Chapter Seventeen
Erica
What a magical day. Well, apart from the flashing of one’s tits. It’s been the kind of day you dream about. Such a once in a lifetime opportunity, and to think I spent it with my Jack, well, it just brings out a fresh blush to my skin.
‘You alright there?’ Jack asks me later that night in the bar.
I quickly attempt to pull myself together. ‘Yeah, fine,’ I smile, not daring to look him properly in the eyes for fear he’d recognise my dirty thoughts.
‘Really?’ he asks with humour in his voice. ‘Because from the way your neck is blushing right now I’d say you’re aroused.’
‘What?’ I can feel myself blushing more, which isn’t helping. I must be the colour of a beetroot right now. Sexy.
‘Well, you better get it while you can, gorgeous.’ He winks, while I frown.
‘While I can?’
‘Yep,’ he nods, pursing his lips together. ‘I can feel a migraine coming on.’
I had no idea he suffered from migraines. Poor baby.
‘I have heard that sex can help,’ I lie, attempting to look as seductive as possible.
‘Well then, you better meet me by the toilets.’ He winks and walks away.
Is he serious? Sex in a public place? Can I do that? The thought of someone finding us is humiliating. But…god, the idea of leaving him in there is more terrifying. If the ache between my legs is anything to go by I should follow him. My legs are moving before the decision is even final.
I really shouldn’t be doing this. The small voice in my head keeps wanting me to confront him about that text message fifteen years ago. It’s getting louder by the second.
I find him leant against the wall, his face troubled. He doesn’t look like someone desperate for sex right now.
‘Are you okay?’ I ask, touching his arm. I feel him flinch. What the hell is going on?
‘Sorry, I’ve just…my migraines pretty bad. I’m going to go back to the hotel.’
‘Oh.’ I quickly try to look concerned, rather than disappointed that I’m not getting the D. ‘Do you want me to come with you?’
‘Nah, it’s fine. I just need to be alone in a dark room right now.’
‘Okay, feel better.’
And just like that my night is ruined.
Wednesday –
Erica
I decided as soon as he’d gone that I wouldn’t be one of those pathetic girls that sulk over their man going home. Instead I threw myself all in and we ended up finishing by singing karaoke at the bar until 4am, which if I’m honest, was just because we demanded the owners let us. Sheesh, we really need to drink less.
Anyway, this morning I can’t wait to see him. The guys aren’t around the pool so I decide to go looking for him. He might want someone to look after him. Maybe give him an erotic massage. I wish.
I get out of the lift and walk towards his room. I’m just turning the
corner when I see his door open. I smile, glad to see him. I go to wave, but stop dead in my tracks when instead a blonde woman steps out, still in last night’s dress.
What? I stare at her aghast, as if time has stood still. A mass of ideas swirl in my head. That’s why he went home early last night. He’s bored of me. He’s had his fill and now he’s moved onto the next victim. He hasn’t changed at all; he’s just a cold hearted bastard.
But wait, it has to have been Charlie’s one night stand. Not his, right? Of course I’m right. I’m going to feel pretty silly in a minute when he steps out with her.
‘Thanks again,’ she coos, leaning against the doorframe.
It lets me see him. Jack. In just his boxer shorts, his chest bare. Holy fuck. It’s like a bullet to the heart. I crouch down, wanting to be as small as possible as my love for him shatters into a million pieces. He slept with another woman. Holy fuck.
‘Anytime,’ he smiles coolly.
It’s like a punch to the stomach, winding me temporarily. I stumble, falling on my knees. I blink a few times, tears escaping from my eyes.
‘Erica?’
Shit, I must have made a noise. I look up to see his face as white as a ghost, looking between me and the woman in panic. Well, he obviously never thought he’d get caught. Heartless bastard.
I quickly gather myself up and run. I sprint as fast as I can, hearing his footsteps gaining on me. I reach my room, for once that annoying card thingy working and I manage to slam the door in his face just in time.
‘Erica, please! It’s not what it looks like.’
‘Oh, that’s original,’ I snort, sliding down the door to sit on the floor. The tears are flowing freely now. I’m the worst crier. I can avoid crying for years and then once I start it’s hard to stop.
‘Please, just let me in!’ he pleads. ‘I have a maid giving me funny looks. I’m pretty sure she’s going to call security any minute.’
‘You want me to feel sorry for you? Are you for real?’
I open up the door in my anger, leaving the chain on. ‘How could you do this to me Jack? We promised we’d be together this holiday and you couldn’t even keep it in your pants for one week! Is that why you left last night? So, that you could meet that slag and shag her all night. Well, I hope it was worth it.’
I slam the door, but he puts his hand in the way. His face contorts in pain. ‘FUUUUUUCK!’
Shit, I might have broken his hand.
‘Oh my god, are you okay?’ Damn, now I sound concerned, when I should still be pissed.
‘Hand! Hand!’ he says in short spurts.
For fuck’s sake!
I open the door and lead him into the bathroom, running the cold tap and sticking his hand underneath it, not giving him any eye contact the entire time.
‘Don’t think for a second this is me thinking your behaviour is acceptable,’ I snap, by now my voice is wobbly instead of sharp. It’s pretty obvious to anyone with ears that I’m more hurt than angry.
He sighs, exasperated. ‘Erica, this is just a stupid misunderstanding. I never slept with that woman. Tom did!’
I scoff and roll my eyes. ‘Yeah, right. Tom who doesn’t even share a room with you.’
‘He does!’ he shouts, attempting to catch some eye contact. ‘’Tom and Charlie swapped because Charlie’s snoring was driving me mad.’
Oh. He had mentioned before that Charlie’s snoring was bad. But he never told me that Charlie and Tom had swapped rooms. And that still doesn’t explain why he was the one walking her out.
‘So, you expect me to believe that you just slept through them having sex?’
‘No, that’s the point!’ he snaps. ‘I didn’t fucking sleep at all. I still can’t believe he did it. I spent half the night hiding in the toilet and the other half trying to sleep through her snoring.’
It makes me laugh to think of her snoring like a dirty little pig.
‘So why were you walking her out?’
‘Because, when I finally did get some sleep I woke up to find that he’d fucked off and left her there asleep. It was beyond awkward to say the least. I made her a cup of tea and apologised.’
Okay, this is sounding like something I could believe.
‘Poor girl.’
He wraps his hand in a towel. ‘I can’t believe you thought I’d do that to you,’ he says, a raw vulnerability in his eyes.
I look down, an overwhelming feeling of sadness taking over me.
‘Why not? It’s not like you haven’t ever been a bastard to me before. Remember the text message you sent that ended us?’ His face falls further. ‘Yeah, well that cut me to the core and you didn’t even give a shit.’
‘Of course I gave a shit,’ he argues with a frown.
Yeah, that’s what he wants to do right now. Fight me. What an idiot.
‘Then why didn’t you apologise? Do you know how many years that’s haunted me? I didn’t lose my virginity until I was nineteen, for fuck’s sake. I was terrified something was wrong with me. You made me feel like a freak. Like a too tight, frigid freak. And I don’t think I’ll ever forgive you for that.’
‘Eric, please.’ His uninjured hand reaches out for my cheek, but I turn away. ‘I was a total dick back then. I’m so sorry. I just…well, when you asked about it I felt like a complete failure. I couldn’t get you aroused like in all the ridiculous porn I was watching back then.’
I snort. Guys and their bloody porn giving them unrealistic expectations.
‘And…’ he looks to the floor, ‘I was a virgin back then too. I had no bloody idea what I was doing.’
Wait, he was a virgin? This is news to me.
‘But…you said you’d done it before?’ I can’t help but ask, clutching my forehead. I have a huge headache coming on.
‘I know,’ he nods, smiling regretfully. ‘I lied. Like I said, I was a dickhead. I have no idea why you even liked me.’
‘Er, because you were so hot,’ I joke in a silly voice.
‘In my defence, I did try and call you. You never answered.’
‘You called me once! Fucking once! That’s hardly someone fighting to win me back.’
‘I’m sorry. I was so embarrassed and I just figured if you wanted to speak to me you’d call me back. And you didn’t.’
So both our prides stopped us from staying together. Well, not again. If I want to find out if we’re exclusive on this holiday I’m going to have to ask.
‘Well, it’s just like this holiday I suppose. It’s not like we’ve made any promises to each other.’
‘I know, but…well,’ he takes my hand in his uninjured one, ‘it sure feels like something that we’re doing, right?’
I smile, another tear falling down my cheek. ‘Of course it does.’
‘Only…’ he runs his hand through his hair, his face clouding over again with that same look from last night.
‘Only, what?’
He sighs and bites his lip. ‘Only, I’m not sure I can offer you anything after this holiday.’
‘Oh.’ Well that’s fucked me up. I know we agreed that nothing could ever happen past this week, but that doesn’t mean I wasn’t clinging onto the tiny possibility that something might. I try desperately not to cry, to put on a brave face in front of him. There’s plenty of time once I get home to weep into my pillow. ‘That’s fine,’ I lie with a little shrug.
He takes my head in his hands, his eyes scrunched up in pain. ‘It’s not that I don’t want to. It’s just that we lead different lives in different postcodes. We could pretend like it’ll be okay, but we both know it won’t work. It didn’t last time.’
That doesn’t mean it won’t this time, I want to shout. We both drive now, we’re able to visit each other without relying on our parents. But I don’t want to beg. I want to hold onto the last shred of my dignity, no matter how small.
Instead I nod. ‘So maybe we should just stop talking about it and enjoy our last day together?’
He tucks a stray
bit of hair behind my ear. ‘You’re right. Do you fancy the beach? Just you and me?’
I sigh. I’m really going to miss him.
‘I couldn’t think of anything better.’
He smiles fondly and then winks. ‘Just remember to pack a spare bikini top this time.’
Spending time just the two of us today has been bliss. The girls understood me wanting to have a selfish last day. Even Evelyn told me to have a nice time. I think she sees that I’m fully prepared to part with him tonight, whereas my fifteen year old self wasn’t prepared for that outcome.
We’ve frolicked in the sea, borrowed some kids buckets and made sandcastles, and shared ice cream. As I lay on his chest, under our shade, stroking his chest it really hits me how unfair all of this is.
‘So, your job?’ I ask, deciding to be cheeky. ‘It doesn’t have an office in Brighton?’
He laughs, but shifts uncomfortably underneath me. ‘I mean, I’d consider moving closer but I’ve literally just got this promotion. I’ve been working months towards it and I need to prove myself.’
I smile sadly against his chest. ‘I know, I’m just being silly.’
‘What about you? You don’t fancy an extended holiday in Peterborough?’
I shake my head. ‘My Mum’s ill. I can’t leave her. That’s one of the reasons we came on this holiday. The girls said I needed a break.’
‘Shit, I didn’t know. What’s wrong with her?’
‘She’s just finishing her last round of chemo. But she’s going to be fragile for quite a while.’
‘Shit, that’s so sad.’ He pulls me even tighter against him. I revel in the feeling of being looked after.
‘Yeah, but she’s absolutely fine some days. It’s just made me realise I might not have as long as I think with her.’
He sighs heavily, taking my hand in his. ‘I guess the world really is against us ever making a go of it, isn’t it?’
I lift my head and kiss his chin. ‘I think it is.’ I bend down to plant a proper kiss on those delicious lips. ‘Until then, I think I’ve seen enough of the beach. Why don’t we spend the rest of the day seeing my hotel room?’
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