by Amy Lillard
“What about now?”
Definitely now. And yet, not. She shook her head. She couldn’t get too comfortable, fall back into her old life. She had Brandon to think about. No matter how easily she could step back into the Amish ways, her son would never be able to adapt to such an austere lifestyle. After everything that had slipped from her grasp, Brandon was the one thing she couldn’t stand to lose.
Chapter Eighteen
“And then Hannah let me dunk all the chicken pieces into the egg stuff. But I had to do them one at a time.” Essie snuggled down into her bed as Aaron pulled the covers up to her shoulders. “If you dunk more than one at a time, then they stick together and don’t get enough flour stuff on them. That’s what Hannah said.”
“She did?” Aaron tried his best to show genuine interest, but every time Essie said Hannah’s name he thought about other things. How her eyes used to sparkle. When he had first seen her after all those years, that gleam was gone. But tonight, he swore he saw it again. It winked and twinkled, coming and going like the first star in a nighttime sky.
“Did you know that she cooked all that chicken?” Essie asked.
“I think I heard something about that.” He brushed her hair back from her face and kissed her forehead.
“It was so good.” Essie snuggled into the bed, her eyelids already growing heavy as Aaron stood. “That’s a good trait in a wife, jah?” Essie asked.
Aaron chuckled. “As good as any, I suppose.” He wasn’t about to debate the merits of a good wife with his daughter fifteen minutes past bedtime.
“You should marry her.” Before he could answer her, Essie was asleep. That was just her way. If she was up, she was moving, but once he made her stay still she fell asleep every time.
“Good night, Laura Kate.” He kissed his oldest on the cheek, pulling her covers up as well.
“Don’t listen to her, Dat,” Laura Kate muttered, turning onto her side to get comfortable. “I understand there’s more to it than that. She’s just young.”
Aaron hid his smile and wiped a hand across her long, dark hair.
But they’re not happy about the move.
He pushed the thought aside. He hadn’t even decided yet about the move. Well, most of him hadn’t.
His mind told him he needed to take the job. There were too many opportunities for him to turn it down. The kids would have more to enrich their lives. He could live out his dream of working with horses exclusively.
But his heart had other ideas. Because he really didn’t want to go? Because he loved Mississippi so much? Because Lizzie was buried here? Because he had been waiting for Hannah to come back?
All that was ridiculous. He was days away from taking the trip to Ohio and finding out what it was like up there. And if he liked it at all, even a little bit, then his head needed to win out and they needed to move to Ohio as soon as they possibly could.
He snuffed out the light and made his way across the hall to Andy’s room. He knew his son felt he was too old to be tucked in, but Aaron couldn’t sleep unless he said good night to his children. All his children.
“Good night, Andy.”
His son darted under the covers as soon as Aaron poked his head in the door. He knew that Andy felt it was past time for him to grow up and start taking more responsibility around the farm. As far as Aaron was concerned, he did plenty. But he had a feeling Andy’s attitude stemmed more from his mother’s death than any need to grow up.
“Good night, Dat.” He pulled the covers nearly over his mouth, his blue eyes twinkling over the edge of the sheet.
“Are you okay?” Aaron asked.
“Jah. Of course.”
He studied his son’s face for a moment, trying to figure out if he should pry or leave it alone. In the end he decided to wait, to give Andy a little more time before trying to uncover all of his secrets.
Aaron turned off the light, plunging the room into inky darkness.
“And Essie’s right,” Andy’s voice came from out of the black. “When a lady can cook like Hannah can, a man should marry her up, and quick.”
* * *
“Did you have fun tonight?” Gracie’s voice floated to Hannah from across the bedroom. Tillie was on an overnight trip to Tennessee, so she had taken over her bed for the night. It sure beat the cramped sewing room she had been sharing with Brandon. Bless his heart, he hadn’t complained since those first few days. Hannah was grateful. She knew he wasn’t happy about being in “Amish Land,” as he liked to call it. She had never expected him to accept it as a way of life, but it was a lot easier to get along when he wasn’t constantly griping about one thing or another. She supposed she had Joshua to credit for that. Jim’s son had taken Brandon under his wing and had shown him some of the good things about being Amish. Fishing in the middle of the afternoon, game night in a big family, and a host of other activities that were keeping Brandon busy and, for a while, content. He didn’t even mind going to school these days. If she didn’t know better she would think that he was actually excited to go into the library and learn something new, but that was asking too much. As long as he wasn’t complaining, that was enough for her.
“I had a wonderful time.” And that was the truth. Aaron had been a wonderful host, the girls had been eager helpers, and it was a joy to cook for someone again.
Or was it just that that someone was Aaron Zook?
“Maybe we should invite Aaron to Brandon’s birthday party.”
Hannah nodded, even though she was lying down and the room was pitch-black. “And the kids.”
“Of course,” Gracie said.
“Are you sure you’re not interested in Aaron?” Hannah’s voice was half-teasing. The other half was as serious as a heart attack. Hannah herself might not be able to ever have anything with Aaron again, but the thought of him taking up with her cousin . . .
“Would it matter if I was?”
“Of course.”
Gracie laughed into the darkness. “I’m not talking about you. I’m talking about him.”
Hannah turned over in her bed, doubling up her pillow so she could better see across the room. Or at least try to. Only the moonlight filtered in through the windows, creating dark shadows out of everything it didn’t touch. Hannah could barely make out her cousin’s form just across the small room. “Me?”
Gracie’s head bobbed in the shadows. “That man has a thing for you and no one else.”
Hannah scoffed. “You are sadly mistaken.”
“No, I’m not. I may not be married myself, but I’ve traveled around enough to see couples and how they act around each other. And that man lov—”
“Don’t say it.” She couldn’t bear to hear those words knowing they weren’t true. There was too much pain, too many years, too much . . . life that stood between them now.
“Likes you a whole lot.”
* * *
“I really appreciate you doing this.” How many times had Aaron said that in the last fifteen minutes.
“It’s no problem.” And it wasn’t. Brandon had practically moved in with Jim and Anna, preferring to spend his free time with Joshua. The fact was a comfort to Hannah. Joshua was a good kid, and she couldn’t ask for a better influence on her own son.
“Are you sure?”
“Positive. Now kiss your children goodbye. Your driver is here.”
He turned around so quickly she thought he might fall off the porch. “Oh.”
Essie rushed forward, flinging her tiny arms around his legs. “Bye, Dat. Be good, okay?”
He chuckled and returned her embrace. “I will.”
“Bye, Dat.” Laura Kate stepped forward to receive a hug, while Andy hovered behind her.
“Y’all do what Hannah says, and no coming home from school for lunch. No one will be here.”
“But Hannah will come back when school is out, right?” Essie asked.
“Of course.” Hannah took Essie’s hand into her own, giving the child the reassurance that she needed. Hannah c
ould only guess how the children felt. They had lost their mother, and now, less than a year later, their father was taking a trip that could change their lives once again. Just thinking about it made her nervous for them.
“Have a good trip,” Hannah said, placing a hand on each girl’s shoulder in order to hold them in place as their father picked up his suitcase.
“I’ll be home Thursday night.” He waved and started toward the car waiting at the end of the drive.
Hannah stood on the porch with Andy and the girls and watched as Aaron drove away. Once the car was out of sight, she turned back to the kids. “What do you want to do now?” she asked.
Essie grinned, the gap between her teeth whistling as she did. “I want to make fried chicken again.”
* * *
Aaron checked into the hotel, thankful to finally be in Ohio. Last night they had stopped somewhere in Kentucky. Two days in a car was almost more than he could stand. He was grateful to be sitting on a bed and not in a running car, even though he was miles and miles from home.
Just the distance was enough to make him second-guess this decision. It was one thing to think about moving far away, and another to put that distance into practice. He hadn’t completely realized how far Ohio was from home until now. He missed his children, he missed Hannah, he missed home. But he would see this through. Who knew? Maybe tomorrow, after a good night’s sleep, things would look a lot different.
Chapter Nineteen
It had perhaps been the longest week of his life. Aaron was more than excited as his mailbox and driveway came into view. Home. The one thing he had thought about most while he was gone. Home. Everything he held dear was there in that house. Everything he loved, everything he needed. Including Hannah McLean.
The driver pulled to a stop just before he got to the end of the lane.
“Do you want me to help you with your bags?” the driver asked.
Aaron stopped for just a moment longer, soaking in the beautiful sight before him. “No, danki.” He fished his money out of his wallet to pay the man, then got out of the car. The driver popped the trunk so Aaron could get his bags. He grabbed them, shut the lid, and stopped only long enough to invite the man in. It was protocol and nothing more, and Aaron was thankful that he declined. He thanked him once again, then, with a bag in each hand, he started for the porch as the driver backed out of the drive.
Home. He’d never been so glad to be there in all his life.
He nudged open the door and pulled off his hat, hanging it on the peg by the door. Then he followed the warmth, sounds, and smells of his house to the kitchen.
Hannah stood at the stove stirring a pot, while Essie and Laura Kate rolled out what looked to be biscuits. The girls were laughing and bickering a bit, but it seemed that Hannah had decided to allow them time to solve their own issues. Andy was nowhere to be seen, and Aaron supposed that he was bringing in wood or some other chore. It seemed as if Hannah had his household running like a clock. He was glad and maybe a little bit jealous. He had sort of wanted them to miss him, but with the way Hannah had things running, he wasn’t sure anyone had noticed he was even gone.
He cleared his throat, bringing their attention around to where he stood in the doorway. “Something sure smells good.”
“Dat!” His girls abandoned their biscuit dough and pushed toward him, flinging their arms around him without one thought to the flour splattered on their hands and clothes.
Not that Aaron minded. He scooped them up, loving the feel of them in his arms. How he had missed them!
“We weren’t expecting you until later.” Hannah dried her hands on a dish towel, her eyes unreadable.
Aaron kissed the top of Laura Kate’s head, then Essie’s, before setting them back on their feet. “Just anxious to get back home.”
“Bad trip?” Clouds of concern crossed over her sweet face. He had missed her more than he cared to admit, and his time in Ohio had left even more questions with no clear answers.
“Not really. Just ready to be here,” he said again.
“Tell me about it over supper?” Hannah asked.
Aaron looked pointedly at his daughters. “How about afterward?”
She gave him a cautious smile. “Sounds like a plan.”
* * *
To be able to sit at his own table after a week away was more than heaven for Aaron. He didn’t recall ever being away for so long, and if he had his way, he never would again.
And Hannah’s chicken and noodles? The best, he was certain of it.
“I wanted to have fried chicken again, but Hannah said no way.” Essie gave an exaggerated pout.
“Three times in one week is plenty enough for anyone,” Hannah said with a smile.
“I second that,” Andy said. Then quickly looked around the table. “I mean, it’s delicious and everything.”
Hannah laughed. “I understand what you mean.”
“You’ve made them fried chicken three times this week?”
Hannah gave a small shrug. “They drew straws to see who got to decide what was for supper.”
“And?” Aaron asked.
“Essie won three times.”
Aaron shook his head. It was incredible the things she did for his children. “I really appreciate you watching after them,” he said.
“It was my pleasure.” And he could see the truth shining in her eyes.
“How did yours make out?”
Hannah gave a small shrug. “He spent most of the time with Joshua at Jim and Anna’s, but I’m just glad he’s got a friend here.”
Aaron took a drink of his iced tea and nodded. “Joshua is a good kid.”
“I couldn’t agree more.”
Hannah looked around the table, then centered her gaze on Aaron. “When are you going to tell me about the trip?”
“That depends.”
“On what?”
He patted his stomach and looked at the pie she had cooling on the counter. “Is that apple or cherry?”
“Blackberry.”
Even better. “Cut me a slice of that, and when the kitchen is clean, I’ll tell you all about it.”
* * *
It seemed to take forever before Hannah and the girls had the dishes washed and put away. Aaron finished his pie in record time, but after that each second dragged into the next.
Finally, finally, everything was cleaned and put away. Aaron sent the kids up to get ready for bed, and the two of them were left alone. They settled down on the bench on the front porch, allowing themselves a little more privacy than they would have in the house.
Hannah ran her hands down the front of her dress, unsure of why she had been dressing this way all week. It just felt comfortable to be in Amish clothes while taking care of Amish children as if they were her own. But now that Aaron was home, she was beginning to feel like a fraud.
She pushed those negative thoughts away and concentrated on him. “So? How was it?”
He seemed to think about it for a moment, his face pinched into an almost-frown. “Big.”
Not exactly the word she had expected. “What do you mean?”
“It was big. Everything. The Amish community, all the people, the tourists.”
Hannah cocked her head to one side. “Is that a good thing or a bad thing?”
“I don’t know,” he said with a shake of his head, but Hannah could tell that something was bothering him.
“Why don’t you just tell me straight out what you thought about the place? It’s not like anyone here is going to judge.” Was he worried that he liked another place better than his home?
“I hated it.”
“What?”
He pushed up from his seat and went to stand at the porch railing. “I hated it.” He sighed, a great heaving sigh, as if a huge weight had been lifted from him. “There were so many people and horses. Tourists everywhere. There was no land for sale.” He shook his head once again. “It’s so quiet here you can almost hear the grass grow.”
>
It was the truth if she had ever heard it.
“I guess I’m not used to all that commotion.”
“But what about your dream of working with horses?”
He turned back to face her, propping his hip on the rail. “I’m not sure it’s worth it.” He stopped as if gathering his words. “I thought there would be a lot of opportunities in a place like that. And I’m sure there probably are. But the trade-off . . .”
“You’re not moving?”
“I don’t think so.”
Hannah eyed him warily. “What’s the problem?”
“Is it the right decision?”
Her heart gave a painful thud in her chest. “Why wouldn’t it be?”
“Because I’m making it for all the wrong reasons.”
Her mouth turned to ash. “And what reason would that be?”
“You.”
“Aaron.” His name quietly fell between them.
“I’m sorry.”
She shook her head. “You don’t have to apologize to me.”
He sighed. “The entire time I was up there all I could think about was coming home. Coming back to you and the kids.”
“So you didn’t like it there.”
“No, but did I not like it because I know you won’t be there, or because it’s really not for me?”
* * *
Hannah simply stared at him. Exactly what had he expected? She wouldn’t sway his decision. He knew as much, but he had hoped she would give him some sort of sign, a hint as to what the future might hold for them if he remained in Mississippi.
“I can’t give you that answer,” she quietly said.
She rose and came to stand right next to him.
He closed his eyes, able to trace the outline of her even though he couldn’t see her. He was just so aware of her. How she smelled, how she smiled, how she did everything so right.
He had thought that the time and distance apart had made him forget all those little things that made Hannah Hannah, but now he knew the truth. All that had been dormant inside him, waiting for the chance to come back to life once more.
How would he be able to go on if she went back to the Englisch? How could she stay here and leave her son behind?
