Maddie was still unclear on the concept of their relocation. They had boxed up some toys and clothes and books to declutter the house, and she asked every week when they could bring them back out. She’d also gotten it in her head somehow that one day they would simply up and move, so many mornings she greeted him with, “Are we leaving today? I don’t want to move yet!” Sometimes she followed it with tears, sometimes just a sad face that looked all the more pathetic when on a child.
Joshua rubbed a hand over his face and hauled himself out of the car. Lori was already in the kitchen when he got into the deli. “Oh good, you’re here,” she said. “Sit with me a minute” He followed her into the office and sat on the ancient desk chair in the corner. Lori perched herself on the edge of her desk and sighed. “Okay, so, we got a resume for the manager position, and she looks like a perfect fit”
His stomach sank. “Ah”
“Are you sure you won’t reconsider? Because I would still prefer you over training someone again”
Joshua managed a smile. “I’m flattered that you consider me such a good employee, but—I just don’t think it’s where I’m supposed to be”
She nodded. “I understand”
“So when will you hire her?”
She sat back a bit, folded her arms over her chest. “Well, we haven’t even interviewed her yet. But I’m hoping we can get her in here by Wednesday”
“Wow. Three days?”
“Five with the weekend”
“True”
“I feel awful, Joshua”
He chuckled. “Don’t—I’m the one turning down the job”
“I know, but still”
“Yeah” He shrugged. “Gotta do what I’ve gotta do”
But an hour later, he felt the panic setting in. It was Friday—where would he find a job on a weekend? On his lunch break he called the temporary staffing agencies he’d worked with, but there weren’t any positions open for him. He told them to reactivate him in their system and prayed he’d get a call Monday morning.
He was on his way to pick up Maddie when his cell rang. “Hey, it’s Scott,” said his realtor. “We got a bid!”
Joshua wasn’t sure if he should be excited or not. “Is it any good?”
“Only thirty thousand under asking price”
Joshua groaned. He’d already lowered the price once. Thirty-thousand lower than that was a painful loss—but it was a solid offer, and he wasn’t going to turn it down.
“Alright then. Let’s go for it”
He hung up and gripped the steering wheel. “At least one thing seems to be working out”
He picked up Maddie and let her chatter all the way home, then asked her over a bowl of Rice Dream, “So how about if tomorrow we go to look for a new place for you and me to make our own?”
She licked her spoon, eyes down. “You mean a new house to live in?”
“Yeah”
She took another bite, then nodded. “Okay”
He ruffled her hair and kissed the top of her head. “I love you, Maddie”
“I love you too, Dad. Will God and Mom know where to find us when we move?”
He smiled. “Oh yes. God knows where you are all the time; you never have to worry about him losing you”
“What about Mom?”
“I’ll bet Mom sees you too. And she knew Ann Arbor pretty well; I don’t think she’d lose track of us”
“Okay, good. Because I told her we were moving and she said she wanted to come”
These kinds of talks made him uncomfortable. He didn’t know what was normal and what signaled some kind of issue. He didn’t know much about how children grieved, but talking to—and “hearing”—the deceased seemed like it could go either way. “What else does Mom say?”
“She says she loves me. And she sings ‘If You’re Happy and You Know It.’ And she told me God is bigger than our house”
He relaxed. “Wow”
“Yeah. And she said to watch out because you like to give me too much Rice Dream”
He laughed. He had to. It was either that or break down and cry.
Saturday morning Joshua snagged the paper before even getting dressed. He spread the classifieds and real estate sections on the dining room table and scoured them for condos. He was disappointed to see so little in his price range. At least it won’t be an exhausting day.
After calling and making appointments to view a few of them, he woke Maddie and fixed a special pancake breakfast to put her in a good mood. He showered while she ate in front of Saturday morning cartoons, then dressed himself and her and pried her away from the television. “House hunting time, kiddo! Shoes on and let’s vamoose”
“I’m not a moose”
“No, you’re right—you’re a caribou”
She giggled. “Hey Dad?”
“What sweetheart?”
“Can we get a dog when we get the new house?”
He froze halfway out the door. Where did that come from? As he buckled her in, Maddie told him that her classmate Christopher got a dog when his family moved. Joshua assured her he’d think about it.
He drove to the first apartment on the list, his mind buzzing between what his priorities should be when looking for a new place and the ramifications of getting a dog. If it helped Maddie to adjust better, maybe it would be worth the extra expense.
The first apartment turned out to be a great disappointment. Run-down and dodgy—“classic cabinetry and fixtures” turned out to be code for “haven’t been updated since 1979” and the neighborhood gave him the creeps, even in the daylight. He hustled Maddie out the door and on to the next unit, which was a significant improvement. The only downside was the distance to Maddie’s school. It hadn’t looked bad on the map, but now that he’d driven it he knew it would tack on at least fifteen minutes to their morning drive, and they already had problems getting there on time.
The third and fourth condos were passable, but nothing that excited him. By the time they were back on the road he could tell Maddie was reaching her limit. “One more, kiddo,” he said. “Then we’ll head home”
He pulled into the parking lot of the last apartment of the day and saw the For Rent sign in the window of the lower unit. It was one in from the end, with a bland view of the parking lot. He could see the telltale signs of children a couple windows down—faded construction paper sun-catchers in windows, smudgy handprints low on the glass. There was a greenbelt between the building and the parking lot, with lush grass and a beautiful maple at the end. He could see Maddie running around with her friends there—maybe with the kids down the way.
He pressed the intercom button and announced himself, then ushered Maddie through the security door and down the hall. A middle-aged man opened the door and welcomed them in. “Thanks for stopping by,” he said.
Joshua smiled and looked over the apartment. “So—tell me about the place”
The man handed him a flier with information about the unit and led him and Maddie around the rooms. It didn’t boast a lot of amenities, but it was clean and had been kept up well. And unlike the other places they’d seen that day, he could imagine the place with their furniture, their knick-knacks, their belongings strewn around in the slightly sloppy way they tended to live. It was cozy, but friendly. His spirits began to rise.
“It looks like there are some kids down the hall,” he said. “Do you know how old they are?”
The man nodded. “Oh yeah. Carlotta and Jorges Jiminez. Nice folks. They’ve got three kids—two boys and a girl. Not sure of the ages, but not real old—I think the biggest is maybe seven?”
Joshua smiled. “Sounds promising”
“Yeah—there are others in the building too. Carlotta knows ’em all. See ’em running around on the grass when the weather’s nice, or in the snow”
They finished their tour and Joshua shook the man’s hand. “I appreciate you letting us look around. I’m not quite ready to move just yet; we’re trying to sell our place right n
ow. But once I know that’s taken care of I’ll give you a call. I really like the place”
“Glad to know it. I think—”
There was a muffled sound of someone shouting. Joshua looked out the window, then at the man, who looked sheepish. “What was that?”
“That was the neighbors. Walls are a little thin”
It was a small flaw in an otherwise perfect find. He promised the realtor he’d call with his answer and ushered Maddie back to the car.
He pulled into the garage just as his phone rang. “It’s a done deal, Joshua,” said Scott. “Congratulations, you’ve sold your house”
Joshua let that sink in for a moment, then nodded. “Good. That’s really good. Thanks, Scott”
“So what do you think? Time to start looking for a place, huh?”
Joshua smiled as he unbuckled Maddie from her seat. “Actually the timing couldn’t be better,” he said. “We just found a place today”
KIM AND RICK SANK INTO wedding planning bliss after putting the slapping incident to rest. Rick conceded to waiting a year, and Kim conceded to making it a small affair—an easy concession to make since neither of them had many friends. Kim splurged on bridal magazines, studying dresses and invitation templates in her spare time. Rick occasionally peeked over her shoulder and added his two cents, but for the most part left the planning to her.
The incident faded from Kim’s mind along with the mark on her face, and for the next few weeks she felt once again like she had everything she could ever want. The haunting face returned regularly to her dreams, however, and her X-acto knife rarely stayed in its hiding place long. She’d become an expert at hiding the scars and bandages from Rick—he didn’t care how undressed she was for sex, and she justified the long sleeves on a tendency to always be cold. It helped that he kept the apartment like a meat locker. She was thankful for that small advantage.
She weathered a few close calls with the Club girls, however. They were an intuitive bunch. One particularly hot afternoon they were sweltering in the gym where the A/C had busted, and when Kim didn’t push up her sleeves despite the sweat dripping down her neck, Mercedes skewered her with her intense stare and said, “Kim, you’re going to overheat if you don’t change shirts or something. Why are you always in long sleeves?”
Kim made an excuse about not having anything to change into and switched the subject as quickly as she could. But Mercedes wasn’t buying it; she could tell. She gave them a fictitious reason why she had to leave as soon as Club was over to avoid being cornered by her, then crossed her fingers that Mercedes would forget by the next time they met.
She had also avoided telling them about the engagement, going so far as to remove her ring before their meetings. It wasn’t that she thought there was any reason why they shouldn’t be engaged—she just didn’t want to send a message to the girls that quick engagements were a good idea. They were surrounded by women who had jumped into relationships with hardly any thought to their futures. She wanted to give them a different model to follow. Even if it meant fudging a little.
But she did highlight for them all the healthy aspects of her and Rick’s relationship, to show the girls the kinds of things they should be looking for in a boyfriend. Like how he watched out for her, always wanting to know where she was going and when she’d be back so he’d figure out sooner if something had happened to her. Or how he tried to make her life easier, even in little ways—like how he ordered for her in restaurants or told her what to make for dinner so she didn’t have to come up with something on her own. And how, when they fought, he always apologized.
Not that they fought often. Actually, they never fought at all. The most negative interaction they’d had was the night he’d slapped her. Before then, and since, life with Rick had been perfect.
So when he hit her again, she was just as surprised as she had been the first time.
Again, she had only herself to blame. Rick came home from work in a bad mood, complaining about his boss who had criticized his work for the third time in the past few weeks. Kim tried to just listen and be supportive, but the solution seemed obvious to her. “Why don’t you just sit him down and ask him what he expects? I mean, it just sounds like you’re both misunderstanding each other and not communicating clearly. He obviously has an image in mind that he’s going for—”
“Wait a minute. You’re taking his side?”
“No, honey, I’m not taking sides at all. I’m just saying you should—”
“You have no idea what business is like, so don’t tell me what I should do”
She cocked her head and put a hand on her hip. “Rick, you’re being unreasonable”
He backhanded her across the mouth. The inside of her lip split on her teeth; she tasted blood on her tongue.
“Don’t disrespect me! If you’re going to be my wife, you should be supporting me, not trying to tell me what to do” He shook his head, ran his hand through his hair. “Why do you make me do stuff like this?”
She’d run into the bedroom, locking herself inside and throwing herself on the bed to cry. Fuming, she asked herself why he had done this again, but then realized he’d told her exactly why. And he was right, of course; she knew it before the tears had dried on her pillow. Why hadn’t she just given him a hug, told him his boss was a jerk, like other girlfriends did? Why did she have to try to fix problems that weren’t hers?
When she emerged from the bedroom he wrapped his arms around her and apologized. She cut him off. “No, sweetheart, you were totally right. I should have been more supportive. I haven’t had a lot of practice at being someone’s girlfriend. I’m still learning. Forgive me?”
He kissed her and held her close. “Of course, of course. And I’m sorry I let my anger get the best of me again. I’m working on it, I promise”
She forgave him, and the next day a box of chocolates and roses were delivered to her at work. When the girls at the salon asked what the occasion was, she said, “He just loves me” Because he did.
Right?
The third time wasn’t her fault—at least, she didn’t think it was. Despite his humiliating loss at his first poker night, Rick had continued to join the group every week, and one night in late June it was his turn to host. She had planned to disappear so she wasn’t in the way, but Rick wanted her to make snacks for the guests, so she hung out in the kitchen putting together hot dogs and nachos while the men played cards. When she brought a plate of food to the table Rick wrapped an arm around her waist and held her tighter than necessary. “These better be good, woman”
She bristled as the other men laughed along with him. One of them, however, smiled at her and nodded. “Thanks for the snacks, Kim. Usually our girlfriends and wives go into hiding when we get together. It’s nice to have someone cooking for us”
Her wounded pride was somewhat soothed. She smiled in gratitude. “Thank you. I’m glad to do it” She wormed her way out of Rick’s grasp, which had gotten tighter, and shot him a look of annoyance as she went back to the kitchen. After preparing more food for the men, she disappeared into the bedroom to read. Their raucous laughter and groans of defeat sounded off and on for another couple hours, and when she heard their activity winding down she put her book away and got ready for bed. She heard the front door lock as she emerged from the bathroom and was preparing to get into bed when Rick came into the room.
“So what was that about?” he said. His eyes were dark and his face set with tense anger.
“What was what about?” Her stomach knotted as she thought back over the night, trying to pinpoint her transgression.
“Give me a break, you knew what you were doing—if I hadn’t been holding on to you, you would have thrown yourself into Chris’s lap”
“What? Rick, I have no—”
He slapped her hard across the face. She cradled her cheek in her hand, staring at him in open-mouthed shock. “Don’t lie to me. You made me look like a fool in front of them”
“Rick, I d
idn’t, all I did—”
He backhanded her. “Shut up! Stop trying to make excuses”
She backed into the bed, fell onto the mattress, and scrambled up onto her knees to avoid being lower than him. He seemed taller, menacing. She’d never seen him like this.
She put her hands up, trying to stop his advance. “Rick, I swear, listen to me. I was just saying thank you. That’s all! I wasn’t trying to flirt—”
He grabbed her wrist and pulled her forward off the bed. She screamed, catching herself on the floor with her other hand and wrenching her arm in the process. He yanked her to her back and leaned down, his red face just inches from hers. “Don’t ever do it again, do you understand? Don’t ever look at another man like that again” He straightened, still staring down at her. “He wouldn’t want you anyway. A religious guy like him would never love a murderer”
Her breath caught in her chest. The throb in her wrist and shoulder and the burn in her cheeks were forgotten in the face of his cruel comment. He spit one last insult at her as he left the room, slamming the door behind him.
Her wrist and shoulder throbbed. She hoisted herself onto the bed and eased herself between the sheets, then burst into tears that seemed to bubble up from all the way down in her gut. But it wasn’t the pain that brought on the crying. It was the fact that Rick had thrown her guilt and sin—the secret she had shared with him, believing he would help her bear the weight—back in her face like a weapon. And the fact that he was right.
Who else would ever want her besides Rick? She was lucky he hadn’t kicked her to the curb as soon as she’d spilled her story. She was a murderer—a worthless, cowardly killer who didn’t deserve half the blessings she had received.
For once she didn’t long to carve her grief in her arms. The ache in her body was punishment enough. And as she laid in the bed, shivering despite her long-sleeved pajamas, it dawned on her that she had gotten what was coming to her. She had run for seven years, putting up with the nightmares and the guilt, but now she was paying for her sins. Karma had finally caught up.
The Weight of Shadows Page 11
