She kept a smile on her face so her friends wouldn’t worry, but inside she began to panic. What if he didn’t want the baby? Or her, for that matter, once she had it? What if he did kick her out?
“I’m going next door for a snack. I’ll be back in a little bit.” She stood and walked outside, drinking in the heat before plunging back into another air-conditioned space that made her skin prickle. She leaned against the building, eyes closed, and let the sun melt away her anxiety. Stress wasn’t good for the baby. She had to try not to worry about things she could not control. If Rick leaves me, it’ll be okay. I’ll figure it out. She continued to chant this in her head as she entered the mini-mart. It’ll be okay. It’ll be okay.
She wandered the aisles for a moment, letting her eyes fall on random items. She saw the X-acto knives hanging in the space where she’d found hers not that long ago. She hadn’t touched it in weeks. Hopefully she wouldn’t need it again, at least not for the purpose she’d bought it. After perusing her options, she pulled a bottle of water from the refrigerator case and a bag of cashews from the snack aisle. There was a basket near the register with fresh fruit in it, and when she went up to pay she picked up an apple as well. She was suddenly famished and couldn’t wait to get back to her station so she could eat.
Back at the salon, she propped the ultrasound picture on her mirror, then sat in the chair and opened her water. The information the doctor had given her said to drink ten cups of water a day. She had never been a fan of water, so she was going to have to really work at that. Once she started drinking, however, she realized how thirsty she’d been. The bottle was half empty by the time she set it down.
“Thirsty much?” asked Suzie from her station next to Kim’s.
Kim laughed. “I hadn’t even noticed being thirsty. Guess I was though, huh?”
“I was like that when I was pregnant. I had never thought about being thirsty before then, and then suddenly I couldn’t shake the feeling, no matter how much I drank.”
Kim frowned. “You have a kid?”
“Well, I had a baby, but I gave it up to be adopted.”
“Oh—wow.”
Suzie smiled, and Kim was relieved to see it was genuine. “It was for the best. I’m glad I did it. I wasn’t ready to be a mom. I was only nineteen, and my boyfriend was a jerk, though I didn’t realize it until I was pregnant and he tried to force me to get an abortion.”
The client in Suzie’s chair clucked her tongue in disgust. “Men, I swear.”
Rick’s words rang again in Kim’s ears. “What did you do?”
“I kicked him to the curb and my mom helped me pick a really nice couple to adopt the baby. They went to our church and my mom knew they’d been trying to adopt. I still get to see him every once in a while. They send me pictures on his birthday.”
Kim shook her head. “Wow. I never knew.”
Suzie shrugged. “I don’t talk about it much. It was six years ago. I’ve moved on.”
Kim hadn’t considered adoption—just like abortion, it hadn’t even crossed her mind when she’d seen that positive test. What if she couldn’t handle being a mom? What if Rick was right, and they didn’t know what they were doing? Maybe she should think about it.
“So, do you ever think you’d made the wrong decision?”
Suzie shook her head as she squirted mousse into her palm. “No way. It was hard to do, to go through the pregnancy and then hand him over to someone else. But when I think about my life now and how different it would be with a kid, I know I did the right thing. It hurt, but it was worth it. I had to think about the baby, too, you know? Not just me. He deserved a family that knew what it was doing, not some teenager who had no job or aspirations beyond the coming weekend. I would have loved him—I do love him—but I couldn’t provide for him the way they could. He’s way better off with them.”
A family that knew what it was doing. I couldn’t provide for him the way they could. The words made Kim’s heart ache. Maybe she was just being selfish. A baby deserved more than she could give. And she certainly didn’t deserve something as perfect and beautiful as a new life to nurture.
She chugged the rest of her water and ate her apple in silence, listening to the conversations around her and the music playing over the stereo. Her thoughts were a mess, as were her emotions. Now she didn’t know what to do. If Rick had been excited, then she wouldn’t doubt herself so much. But what if he never came around? Emma was right, she needed a backup plan.
I can’t believe I’m thinking this way. Kim stood from her chair and chucked her apple core into the trash. A backup plan? Why on earth would I need that? Rick loves me, I know he loves me, and after everything we’ve both been through there’s no way either of us could leave the other.
The other girls just didn’t understand Rick’s and her relationship. It was way more complicated than they could fathom, given their shared foster experiences, and Kim’s crime and necessary punishment. She could never share with them what happened at home, because they wouldn’t understand the need for it. They just wouldn’t get it. And it was the same with the baby. They didn’t understand the bond she and Rick had. How could they?
Taking a deep breath, she rested her hands briefly on her stomach and sent the baby happy vibes to counteract the negativity she’d been feeling. She had to be careful, the things she thought and felt—she didn’t want to contaminate this innocent life.
Kim’s first appointment was due in ten minutes, so she stocked her station and took a bathroom break before perching herself back in her chair to wait. Her thoughts tried to tug her towards creating a backup plan, just in case, but she refocused herself on the materials given to her by the doctor, reading over and over the “Nutrition for the Second Trimester” sheet and meal planning in her head.
It’ll be okay. They just don’t understand. It’ll be okay.
BY THE END OF THE DAY, Kim was exhausted. She hadn’t felt this tired before. The thought of the twenty-minute walk home made her want to cry. She hated spending money on the bus, especially twice in one day, but if it spared her an emotional meltdown she figured it was worth the cost.
She almost fell asleep as the bus bumped along the roads towards the apartment. When she caught herself nodding off, she shifted in her seat, sat up straighter, and began to think of names for the baby. David, Henry, Jonathon—she liked classic, strong names for a boy, especially with Allen as a last name. But for a girl, romantic names like Juliet, Charlotte, and Genevieve made her smile. She wondered what names Rick would come up with. She selfishly hoped he’d leave it up to her.
The bus let her off two blocks from the house—farther than she felt like walking, but still better than having to walk the entire way home. She continued to consider names as she walked, trying to recollect heroines from her harlequin novels and men from American history. Cosette. Samuel. Colliope. Joshua. Skye. Daniel. Alexandria. She had to admit she liked thinking of girl names better.
The apartment complex came into view, and her stomach turned. She didn’t want a big confrontation with Rick. She just wanted him to be as happy as she was. It was already five-thirty; chances were he’d already be home, so she couldn’t make another nice dinner to smooth things out between them. She felt bad for what she’d said and done last night, and while she didn’t think it had bothered him that much—she’d have gotten a slap at least if it had—she still worried there would be a wall between them tonight if she didn’t do something to make amends.
Rick’s car was in the parking lot when she turned the corner. She took a deep breath, squared her shoulders, and entered the building with her head high and her apology prepared.
But when she opened the door, all her words melted away.
“Hey sweetheart! You were later than I thought you’d be.” Rick kissed her and took her hand, pulling her into the living room. “I have a surprise for you. Sit down. Can I get you something to drink, some water maybe? You really need to make sure you’re drinking enough w
ater, especially with the heat the way it has been lately.” He backtracked to the kitchen and filled a glass for her, then led her to the couch and handed it to her. “Okay, are you ready?”
She let out a nervous chuckle. “Um, I guess so—”
“Okay, close your eyes.” She obeyed, steeling herself though she didn’t know why. She heard shuffling noises, then Rick said, “Surprise!”
She opened her eyes to a stroller overflowing with packages. “Oh Rick!” She jumped to her feet and threw her arms around his neck. “Thank you so much. Thank you so much!” She kissed him hard to show her appreciation, then pulled away to examine the gifts. “I can’t believe this,” she said as she unpacked the presents. A body pillow, a book about pregnancy and birth, two maternity shirts and a skirt, and a heartbeat listener. She giggled. “You know it’s going to be awhile until we can actually use this, right?”
He shrugged, grinning. “It looked like something you might enjoy. I figured we might as well get it now.”
She smiled, her anxiety gone, and hugged him again. “Thank you. I’m so glad you’re more excited. I knew it would just take a little time to sink in. Oh! Look what I have!” She grabbed her purse from the table and pulled out the ultrasound picture. “That’s the baby, right there. I got to see the heart beating. Can you believe it?”
Rick squinted at the picture, frowning, then swore under his breath. “It really does look like a baby, huh.” He dropped it to the table and wrapped an arm around her shoulder. “What do you say we go out to eat? A little celebration dinner.”
Kim felt like her heart would burst with happiness. This is what she had hoped for, even if it was a little late in coming.
He drove her to Alfredo’s, the site of their first date. While waiting for their meals, Kim told him about the doctor’s appointment and the excitement her salon friends had shown.
“I’ll bet your Club girls will go crazy, huh?” he asked.
Uh-oh. She hadn’t even thought about telling him. “Yeah,” she said, eyes focused on a breadstick. “Yeah, they’ll go nuts. Girls always love babies.”
“You know,” Rick said after a few minutes. “Your job is going to be really hard to do when you’re pregnant.”
She sighed. “Yes, I’ve been thinking about that today. I’m sure it’s just from the emotional up-and-down I’ve been through in the last twenty-four hours, but man, I was exhausted by the end of my last appointment. I couldn’t wait to get home. I took the bus—did I tell you that? I think I’m going to have to, at least in the evenings. I can probably manage the walk there okay. It’ll be good exercise.”
“I don’t know, Kim—I’m not sure you should keep working.”
She laughed. “What? Rick, I have to work.”
“No you don’t.”
“What do you mean, no I don’t? How am I going to pay my share of the rent and bills?”
“Well…you don’t have to.”
She scoffed. “Oh, come on.”
“I’m serious. We’re engaged, and frankly, as good as married—the only difference a wedding is going to make is that we’ll have a piece of paper to prove it. And a husband should provide for his wife, right? What kind of man would I be if I made my wife work while she was pregnant when she really didn’t have to?”
“But you don’t ‘make’ me—I like what I do.”
He waved a hand impatiently. “I know, I know, but that’s not the point. The point is that you’re already tired after only half a day of working, and you’ve got a long way to go. It’s going to get a lot worse. And it could be bad for the baby, couldn’t it, for you to be on your feet all day?”
She frowned. “Oh—maybe. I don’t really know. I guess it could be.”
“Yeah,” Rick said, shaking his head. “I really think you need to just stay home. The expenses for two people aren’t all that much more than they are for one—more water and food, mainly, and if we started planning our meals more carefully we could save some money there.”
“So, you really think I should just quit?”
“The sooner the better. Think how much better you’ll feel, being able to sleep in, not being on your feet all day.”
She gave him a half-smile. “That does sound nice.”
He smiled. “See? I really think this is for the best. And don’t worry about the money, Kim. We’ll make it work, I promise.”
Kim tried to keep her spirits up through the rest of the meal, but the thought of leaving the salon made her heart ache. She loved the women there. She’d been there for years now, and had built up such a loyal client base—how would she tell people like Mrs. Toll that she was leaving?
No negativity for the baby! She spooned another bite of tiramisu into her mouth and shook off her gloom. Time to focus on the positive, like how lucky I am to have a fiancé who wants so much to protect me and provide for his family. Just like a good husband and father should. She couldn’t get over how much better off this baby would be than its parents. All the bad family history stopped with them. This baby would heal them.
THE FOLLOWING DAY WAS A rough one at the salon. She broke the news that she was leaving, and the girls all begged her to reconsider. Even Suzie, the only one of them who had ever been pregnant, promised it wasn’t as bad as Kim thought it might be, and reminded her that she could just reduce her hours and keep making a little money.
“I’m touched that you’re all so sad that I’m leaving,” she said. “But really, I think this is for the best. And Rick needs to see that he can support his family. It’s important to him, and because of that, it’s important to me too. We’re both feeling our way through this, trying to do what’s best for us and for the baby, and we don’t have a lot of experience to go on because our families were so absent from our lives. He needs to prove to himself that he’s not his father, and I need to prove to myself that I’m not my mom—that I can devote myself to my man, and my child, and not freak out from the responsibility.” This last bit came to her as she was talking, and she had to admit it made sense. Plus it sounded a lot better than, “Rick really wants me to quit, so I’m quitting.” That argument made sense to her, but she knew it wouldn’t make sense to them.
“But how are you going to save enough for your mobile salon?” Rumiko asked as they dined on sandwiches at lunchtime.
Kim wasn’t about to admit the idea had been shelved long ago. “The possibility of that is so far down the road now—I’ll figure something out eventually. This baby needs a mama—no daycare for us! Maybe when she’s in school I’ll start working again.” Yet another lie added to the pile. Her aptitude for storytelling was beginning to bother her.
Between appointments Kim went through the schedule and wrote down all her regular clients and their phone numbers. She wanted to cancel them personally, and recommend one of the other girls to them based on their personality and the kind of treatment their hair required. She knew how attached women—and even men—could get to a hairdresser. Stylists played confidante, counselor, and pal, sometimes all in one appointment, and clients trusted you with something intimate and personal that could not always be easily fixed if you botched it. She hoped their concerns of working with someone new would be alleviated, or at least lessened, if they knew Kim had personally considered their needs and the strengths of the other stylists at the salon.
Despite how her back ached, Kim walked home that evening, taking in the landmarks and scenes that had become familiar over the last couple months. She decided as she strolled that she would go back to the salon and visit at least once a week—she’d go crazy alone in the house all day long, and she missed her friends already. Not that it would be quite the same—she wasn’t going to sit there for the entire day and make conversation in bits and pieces between the girls’ clients. But it would be better than not seeing them at all.
She still hadn’t figured out what to do about her Club girls. She knew she had to tell them soon, though—who knew how long she’d be able to hide the pregnancy? But sh
e had a lot to explain, and she feared she would turn out to be another bad example for them to follow. Not that it was a bad example—it just looked like one from the outside. She sighed. It was so difficult being in a complex relationship.
When the parking lot came into view, she saw the man she’d met a couple weeks ago. He was getting his daughter out of the car—she smiled at the girl’s gorgeous ringlets, and at the sight of a father and his little girl. Maybe someday that will be Rick. Though it was hard to imagine him with a girl. A rough and tumble boy might be more his speed.
The little girl took off running once he set her down. She headed for the maples, rounded one of them, then came back, slamming into her father. They both laughed and he bent to say something to her. She took off running again. When Kim got closer she could her him counting. “…Eight, nine, ten, eleven, twelve—c’mon, Mad-die! Almost there!—fourteen, fifteen…” Maddie slammed into him again and he cheered. “Sixteen seconds! Man, you’re getting fast. That was almost a record.” He saw Kim and smiled. She smiled back, and the little girl looked to her and stepped behind her father.
“Oh Maddie, you remember Miss…Kim, wasn’t it?”
Kim smiled and gave a little wave to Maddie. “Yeah. Hi there.”
“You remember Miss Kim. She’s the one that cuts hair. We met her right after we moved in.” He looked back to Kim. “I see you walking a lot. Let me know if you ever need a ride. I don’t go right past your salon, but I get pretty close.”
“That’s really sweet, thanks. But today was my last day.”
“Oh.” He frowned. “I’m sorry.”
“That’s alright. I quit. I didn’t get fired.”
He chuckled. “Oh, good. I was feeling really bad for you for a minute there. Moving to a new salon?”
She beamed. “No, I’m pregnant.”
“Hey, congratulations! Yeah, I’ll bet all that standing would take its toll after a while. When are you due?”
The Weight of Shadows Page 16
