by Amy Reece
***
“What are you waiting for?” Josh appeared behind her as she stared into her locker, trying to think of a good excuse to talk to Natalia.
“For inspiration to strike.” She slammed her locker. “Or lightning. I’m not picky.”
He chuckled. “Hey, I believe in you. Go get ’em, Tiger. Go make a new friend.”
“Ugh! I hate this!”
He didn’t look impressed or sympathetic; he merely raised his eyebrows and leaned against the bank of lockers.
“Fine! I’m going.” She trudged down the hall toward where Natalia and Sofia were talking softly—whispering really—by their lockers. “Hey, Natalia.” She approached the girl, waving lamely.
Both girls turned and stared at Bernie expectantly. “What?” Sofia prompted when Bernie said nothing.
“Oh, nothing.”
The girls rolled their eyes and started to turn away.
“I mean, I was wondering if, um, when the next candlelight vigil for Gabby was? I was hoping I could help you plan.” She winced as she realized they were sure to pick up on the disingenuous tone of her voice.
“Oh, that’s so sweet!” Sofia said.
Apparently she’d overestimated their intelligence.
“Really?” Natalia gave her a long, assessing look. Okay, so she’d only overestimated Sofia’s brains; Natalia was a different story. “You haven’t shown much interest up to now. I had to practically beg you to go to the last one. Why now?”
“Maybe I feel guilty for not helping. I guess I just kept hoping she’d come home, you know?” Bernie managed to produce just enough tears to threaten to spill over.
“We all keep hoping she’ll come home,” Sofia said. “Of course you can help us plan the next vigil. It’s next week, and we’d love to have you help us! Wouldn’t we, Natalia?”
Natalia narrowed her eyes at Bernie and smiled slightly, although it didn’t quite reach her eyes. “Of course we would.”
“Great. Here’s my number.” Bernie handed Sofia a slip of paper with her new cell number. “Call me, okay?”
***
“So, how’d it go?” Josh caught up with her in the lunch line.
Bernie shrugged. “Sofia bought it, but she doesn’t seem overly burdened with intellect. Natalia’s a tougher customer. She suspects something.”
“What could she suspect?”
“I don’t know, but she doesn’t trust me. At least not yet.” She reached past him for a sandwich.
“That looks hideous. I can’t believe what they try to pass off as food here. Can you stop by the restaurant after work tonight? I have to help out in the dining room until about eight, but then we could have dinner together.”
“Sure, sounds great.” They arrived at their usual table, and Bernie was somewhat surprised to see Kayleigh. Was it normal operating procedure for a couple that was no longer dating? Or had they somehow gotten back together without Bernie’s knowledge? The possibility gave her a sinking feeling in her stomach, but Josh merely greeted his former girlfriend briefly and sat next to Bernie. It was nice to see they were at least trying to keep the awkwardness to a minimum. Kayleigh, after all, was friends with everyone at the table, and it was reasonable to expect she would want to continue to sit with them at lunch. According to Josh, the breakup had been civil, and he wasn’t the type to punish her by gossiping about her undecided sexuality.
Bernie ended up sitting next to Kayleigh, who chatted as if there had never been an awkward conversation between the two of them.
“So, if you’re free Saturday we could go to the mall for a while.” Kayleigh made the suggestion and continued eating her salad, not making eye contact with Bernie, as if her answer didn’t truly matter. Bernie got the feeling her answer mattered very much indeed; Kayleigh seemed desperate to know her recent lifestyle choices didn’t make her an outsider. As an outsider herself, Bernie recognized the signs.
“Sure. I have to work until two, but I could meet you at the mall around two thirty.” She couldn’t recall the last time she’d been to the mall; she couldn’t afford anything there, so she rarely darkened its doors.
“Really?” Kayleigh’s hopeful smile was a bit heartbreaking. “That’s great, Bernie. Thanks.”
Bernie tried to concentrate on her economics assignment during the next period, but she couldn’t get the conversation with Kayleigh out of her mind. She leaned close to Josh. “You don’t have a problem with me hanging out with Kayleigh, do you?”
He glanced at her, surprised. “No. Why would I?”
“It’s not awkward or anything, is it?”
He smiled. “No, not at all. It’s nice, actually. You and I are the only ones in our circle who know Kayleigh’s secret. I have a bad feeling she’d be ostracized, at least somewhat, if it came out. She probably needs a friend who won’t judge her right now.”
“Yeah, that’s what I thought. But I don’t want to make things weird between you and me. I mean, um…” She realized things were already a bit awkward since their near-kiss a few days ago.
He gave her an adorable half-smile. “Nah. We’re good. Aren’t we?”
“We are.” She nodded and turned back to her assignment, demoralized to realize he wasn’t affected. He probably never even thought about it.
***
Kayleigh was waiting for her on a bench in front of Sephora.
“Sorry I’m late. The girl who has the shift after me was late.” Bernie was breathing heavily, having practically run from the parking lot.
“No problem. I just got here. Do you mind if we go into Sephora? I want to find a new face scrub. I think my skin’s kind of blotchy lately.”
“Sure, but for the record, your skin looks fine.” Bernie had never been in the pricey makeup store since she bought what little makeup she used at Walmart or Dollar Tree. Her nose twitched in the heavily perfumed air, and her eyes bulged at the prices. Who in the world would pay twenty-two dollars for a tube of lip gloss? Kayleigh, apparently, since she casually added a couple to her basket. One of the roaming sales associates must have recognized a potentially lucrative sale because they suddenly had all kinds of assistance. Either that or they had pegged Bernie as a potential shoplifter.
“Do you need anything?” Kayleigh paused in her search for facial scrubs.
“No, I’m good on makeup. I don’t wear much.”
“You don’t need much, but…” She frowned and stared at Bernie.
“But what?”
“You have gorgeous eyes and you could really play them up. Here, let’s see what this does for you.” Kayleigh proceeded to drag Bernie to the Urban Decay counter, where she lined her eyes to look like a cat and added more colors of eyeshadow than Bernie could keep track of. Then she coated her lashes thickly with expensive mascara. The sales girl recognized an artist and stepped aside after she had sharpened the eyeliner pencil. Bernie watched out of one eye while she sanitized the eye pencil with an alcohol swab. “Okay. What do you think?” Kayleigh turned her to face the mirror while she and the sales associate swapped makeup tips.
Bernie liked the look but would never take the time to try and replicate it, not to mention it would probably cost half her paycheck to buy the products. “Wow. Thanks, Kayleigh.” It had been ages since she’d had anyone to try on makeup with. She and Gabby used to do that, but not since middle school.
“It looks great. I bet Josh would love it,” she said slyly.
“Oh, I don’t…I mean, he doesn’t…we’re not—”
“Yet.” Kayleigh grinned and dragged Bernie to look at the skin care aisle.
***
She returned from the surprisingly enjoyable mall expedition to find Josh sitting on the couch, staring intently at the television screen.
“Hey, sorry I’m late. I got—”
“Shh!” He held his hand out to her. “Come here.”
Startled, she accepted his hand and let herself be led to the sofa, catching the tail end of what the reporter was saying.
“The body was discovered late this morning by a woman walking her dogs along the arroyo. Recent storms apparently washed it downstream where it became lodged against a storm drain. Although forensic identification will take several weeks, clothing and documents indicate it may be the body of missing teen Gabriela Rodriguez, who disappeared July fifth.”
Bernie sat, dazed, unconscious of the tears streaming, tracking through her mascara.
Chapter Nine
Josh
The body discovered in the arroyo was officially identified as Gabby Rodriguez right before school let out for Christmas break. Josh had watched Bernie slowly unravel over the weeks as they waited impatiently for the verification they both suspected. Bernie was unnaturally quiet all evening and went to bed early the evening they found out. The call from the detective had come early in the afternoon, and she had rushed to be with Gabby’s dad, refusing Josh’s offer to drive her. She had returned a few hours later and went to her room without dinner. Josh worried and fussed, trying to tempt her with various treats he offered to make until Claire pulled him aside.
“Sweetheart, I know you’re trying to make her feel better, but sometimes you can’t fix the problem.” She hugged him from behind. “I love that you want to try, but she just found out her friend is dead. Give her some time, Josh.”
“I only want to help.”
“I know. But you can’t.”
“This sucks! I can’t just sit around while she—”
“While she what? While she cries in her room?” She moved around him and reached her hand up to cup his cheek. “Girls cry. Get used to it. Let her have some time to herself.”
“Fine. I’ll just make dinner in case she wants some later.” He turned away and began preparing a meal Bernie probably wouldn’t eat.
Tony stopped by as he was pulling the baked macaroni and cheese out of the oven. Josh was hoping one of her favorite dishes would convince her to eat at least a little bit.
“Hey, man. I saw the story on the news a little while ago and wanted to stop by and see how Bernie’s doing. She okay?”
“Nah. She’s pretty upset. She won’t come out of her room. I’m going to take this up to her and see if she’ll eat anything.”
Bernie answered the door and accepted the tray. Her reddened eyes and blotchy face broke his heart.
“Thanks, Josh. It looks great, really. I’m not hungry right now, but I’ll eat some later.”
“Come on, Bernie. You need to eat. Why don’t you come downstairs? Tony’s here.”
She smiled sadly and shook her head.
He returned to the kitchen to find Tony helping himself to mac ‘n’ cheese.
“This is great. Did you make it?” Tony asked around a huge mouthful.
“Yep. Here, eat some salad too. It’s good for you.”
“Yes, Mother. I should stop by for dinner more often. You’re a way better cook than my mom.”
“Yeah, well, I’m hardly ever here. You can stop by the restaurant any time, though. I’ll hook you up.”
“Sweet! So, do they know what happened to Bernie’s friend yet? I thought she ran away?”
“That’s what the police thought, but Bernie never believed it. No, we haven’t heard what killed her. God, I hate what this is doing to her!” He stabbed at his salad and let the fork fall to his plate. He caught the surprised look on Tony’s face. “What?”
“Nothing! It’s cool. Bernie’s great. I like her a lot. She’s not your usual type, but—”
“I don’t have a type! What the hell are you talking about?”
“You totally do—blonde, popular, and gorgeous. There was Zoe and Dara in our freshman year, Carrie over the summer—”
“Okay, stop! Jeez, I don’t need a catalog of all my past girlfriends. And Dara’s not blonde, anyway.” He shrugged and smiled, embarrassed. “Maybe I did have a type. I never realized.”
“Bernie’s different,” Tony said with a smirk.
“We’re not together. We’re just friends.”
“Why is that? You losing your touch?” Tony punched him lightly on the arm.
“Shut up! I never had the touch.”
“Kelly at the beginning of sophomore year, Stephanie by homecoming—”
“Why do you remember their names? Are you jealous?” Josh punched him back.
“Definitely. So why are you friend-zoning Bernie? It’s not because she’s Hispanic, is it? Or because she’s poor?”
“I should punch you in the face for even saying that! God, Tony! You really think I’m that big of an asshole?” He was glad to see Tony looked ashamed.
“No, man. Sorry! I shouldn’t have said that.”
“No, you shouldn’t have.” He looked around to make sure they were alone. “She lives in my house. She’s off-limits until she moves out.”
“So once she finds a place of her own, you can make a move on her?”
Josh shrugged, not wanting to share any more about his relationship with Bernie. He turned the conversation to more comfortable topics for the duration of Tony’s visit.
***
He wasn’t sure what woke him well after midnight. He’d been sleeping soundly for once, but something startled him out of sleep. He grabbed a sweatshirt and padded down the hall on bare feet, stopping to check on his mom and Bernie. Claire was sound asleep, but Bernie’s door was open and her bed was empty. He found her downstairs, curled on the couch with Freddie, his iPad on her lap.
“Couldn’t sleep?”
“Crap! You startled me!”
“Sorry.” He leaned over the back of the couch to see what she was doing. “Bernie, we’ve looked through those social media accounts already.”
“I know, but maybe we missed something. I couldn’t sleep, so I thought I’d look again. I should have asked to use your iPad, though. Sorry.” She tried to hand it back.
He waved it away. “You can use it or my laptop any time you want. Did you find anything new?”
She shook her head. “I don’t know what to do. I feel so useless!”
“Hey.” He moved around the sofa to sit beside her. He gently removed the tablet from her hands and set it on the table. “I know you want to help, Bernie, but this is beyond you. Let the police handle it, please. That detective has been at school lately. He’ll figure it out. You need to let this go.”
“I can’t do that,” she said fiercely. “I won’t let her be forgotten!”
“Okay, okay.” She was getting worked up again, so he pulled her into his arms and patted her back awkwardly. “It’s going to be all right. We’ll figure something out.” He couldn’t say exactly when his awkward pats changed to soft caresses, but he didn’t stop to analyze it nor did he stop himself from kissing the top of her head. The feel and smell of her hair, the intoxicating strawberry scent, nearly made him forget all his noble intentions and lay her back on the couch and kiss her senseless. The realization he would be taking advantage of her made him pull away. Well, that and the possibility of his mother walking in on them. Yikes.
“Thanks. Sorry about all the tears today. I’m a wreck.” She sniffed and reached for a tissue.
“You’re exhausted. Go to bed. We’ll talk about it more tomorrow, okay?”
“Yeah, okay. Good night.” She smiled slightly and left the room.
Josh heaved a huge sigh and leaned back in the couch. He’d told Tony they were just friends, but he was lying. He needed to face the truth about his feelings for Bernie. And he needed to help her find an apartment as soon as humanly possible.
***
“Morning, sweetheart,” Claire mumbled sleepily as she reached for the coffeepot. “Mmmm. Good coffee. Thanks. Is Bernie at work?”
“Yeah, she left a few minutes ago. You want eggs?”
“Just one. Scrambled, please.” She drank her coffee silently while he prepared her breakfast. When he set the plate in front of her, she reached for a piece of bacon and nibbled it thoughtfully. “Can I run an idea by you?”
“Sure, Mom. What’s up?” He sat across from her and dug into his own breakfast.
“Well, I’ve been thinking about Christmas. We didn’t do much last year, and I kind of wanted to make it up to you this year.”
“I don’t need a bunch of presents, Mom.”
“I know, but I was going to spoil you rotten anyway. While I was shopping the other day, I started planning everything I was going to buy for you, but then I thought about Bernie. I’d love to spoil her too, but it wouldn’t really be appropriate. Plus, I think it would make her feel uncomfortable.”
“Yeah, I agree. You should have seen her reaction when I paid for her mom’s groceries. Scary.” He stopped to shovel more food in his mouth. “So, we can’t get her any presents?”
“Oh, no! I’m totally getting her some presents. I rarely get the opportunity to buy girl stuff, and I plan to enjoy it! We just have to be careful not to overdo it. So I was wondering if you’d mind if we went a little lighter on the gifts this year. I can sneak your other presents to you later.”
He chuckled at the thought of his mom sneaking presents into his room under the cover of darkness. “I don’t need stuff. Why don’t we donate all the money you would have spent on me to a charity or something? Maybe there’s some kind of organization that helps homeless students or something.”
“Josh! That’s an amazing idea!”
He smiled ruefully as he realized she was sniffling. Jeez, girls and their crying!
“You’ve grown up so much in the last year. Your dad would be so proud. Excuse me.” She left the kitchen hurriedly.
***
His mom’s conversation at breakfast had made him realize he hadn’t done any Christmas shopping, so he spent a couple hours at the mall later that afternoon, choosing gifts for his mom, his grandparents, and various cousins, and then agonizing over what he could possibly choose for Bernie. He wanted to get her something that said he cared, but didn’t scream his true feelings for her; he wasn’t anywhere near ready for that. Four stores later and he still hadn’t seen anything remotely interesting; he was ready to give up when a voice interrupted his thoughts.
