CHAPTER XX.
THE INAUGURAL SOIREE.
"Oh, Lord Silverdale," cried Lillie exultantly when he made his usualvisit the next afternoon. "At last I have an unexceptional candidate. Weshall get under weigh at last. I am so pleased because papa keepsbothering about that inaugural _soiree_. You know he is staying in townexpressly for it. But what is the matter?--You don't seem to be glad atmy news."
"I am afraid you will be grieved at mine," he replied gravely. "Look atthis in to-day's _Moon_."
Sobered by his manner, she took the paper. Then her face grew white. Sheread, in large capitals:
"The Old Maids' Club. "Interview with the President. "Sensational Stories of Skittish Spinsters. "Wee Winnie and Lillie Dulcimer."
"I called at the Old Maids' Club yesterday," writes a _Moon_ woman, "toget some wrinkles, which ought to be abundant in such a Club, thoughthey are not. Miss Dulcimer, the well-known authoress, is one of theloveliest and jolliest girls of the day. Of course I went as acandidate, with a trumped-up story about my unhappy past, which MissDulcimer will, I am sure, forgive me, in view of the fact that it wasthe only way of making her talk freely for the benefit of my readers."
Lillie's eye glanced rapidly down the collection of distortions. Thenshe dropped the _Moon_.
"This is outrageous," she said. "I can never forgive her."
"Why, is this the candidate you were telling me about?" asked Silverdalein deeper concern.
"I am afraid it is!" said Lillie, almost weeping. "I took to her so, wetalked ever so long. Even Wee Winnie did not possess the material forall these inaccuracies."
"What is this woman's name?"
"Wilkins--I already called her Diana."
"Diana?" cried Silverdale. "Wilkins? Great heavens, can it be?"
"What is the matter?"
"It must be. Wilkins has married his Diana. It was Mrs. Diana Wilkinswho called upon you--not Miss at all."
"What _are_ you talking about? Who are these people?"
"Don't you remember Wilkins, the _Moon_-man that I was up in a balloonwith? He was in a frightful quandary then about his approachingmarriage. He did not know what to do. It tortured him to hear anyone aska question because he was always interviewing people and he got to hatethe very sound of an interrogation.--I told you about it at the time,don't you remember?--and he knew that marriage would bring into his lifea person who would be sure to ask him questions after business hours. Iwas very sorry for the man and tried to think of a way out, but in vain,and I even promised him to bring the Old Maids' Club under the notice ofhis Diana. Now it seems he has hit on the brilliant solution of makingher into a Lady Interviewer, so that her nerves, too, shall behypersensitive to interrogatives, and husband and wife shall sit at homein a balsamic restfulness permeated by none but categoricalpropositions. Ah me! well, I envy them!"
"You envy them?" said Lillie.
"Why not? They are well matched."
"But you are as happy as Wilkins, surely."
"Query. It takes two to find happiness."
"What nonsense!" said Lillie.
She had been already so upset by the treachery and loss of themisunderstood Diana, that she felt ready to break down and shed hottears over these heretical sentiments of Silverdale's. He had been sogood, so patient. Why should he show the cloven hoof just to-day?
"Miss Dolly Vane," announced Turple the magnificent.
A strange apparition presented itself--an ancient lady quaintly attired.Her dress fell in voluminous folds--the curious full skirt was borderedwith velvet, and there were huge lace frills on the elbow-sleeves. Herhair was smoothed over her ears and she wore a Leghorn hat. There werethe remains of beauty on her withered face but her eyes were wild andwandering. She curtseyed to the couple with old-fashioned grace, andtook the chair which Lord Silverdale handed her.
Lillie looked at her inquiringly.
"Have I the pleasure of speaking to Miss Dulcimer?" said the old lady.Her tones were cracked and quavering.
"I am Miss Dulcimer," replied Lillie. "What can I do for you?"
"Ah, yes, I have been reading about you in the _Moon_ to-day. Wee Winnieand Lillie Dulcimer! Wee Winnie! It reminds me of myself. They call meLittle Dolly, you know." She simpered in a ghastly manner.
Lillie's face was growing pale. She could not speak.
"Yes, yes of course," said Silverdale smiling. "They call you LittleDolly."
"Little Dolly!" she repeated to herself, mumbling and chuckling. "LittleDolly."
"So you have been reading about Miss Dulcimer!" said Silverdalepleasantly.
"Yes, yes," said the old lady, looking up with a start. "Little LillieDulcimer. Foundress of the Old Maids' Club. That's the thing for me, Ithought to myself. That'll punish Philip. That'll punish him for beingaway so long. When he comes home and finds Little Dolly is an old maid,won't he be sorry, poor Philip? But I can't help it. I said I wouldpunish him and I will."
All the blood had left Lillie's cheek--she trembled and caught hold ofLord Silverdale's arm.
"I shan't have you now, Philip," the creaking tones of the old ladycontinued after a pause. "The rules will not allow it, will they, MissDulcimer? It is not enough that I am young and beautiful, I must rejectsomebody--and I have nobody else to reject but you, Philip. You are theonly man I have ever loved. Oh my Philip! My poor Philip!"
She began to wring her hands. Lillie pressed closer to Lord Silverdaleand her grasp on his arm tightened.
"Very well, we will put your name on the books at once," said theHonorary Trier, in bluff, hearty tones.
Little Dolly looked up smiling. "Then I'm an old maid!" she criedecstatically. "Already! Little Dolly an old maid! Already! Ha! ha! ha!ha! ha!"
She went off into a burst of uncanny laughter. Lord Silverdale feltLillie shuddering violently. He disengaged himself from her grasp andplaced her on the sofa. Then offering his arm to Miss Dolly Vane, whoaccepted it with a charming smile, and a curtsey to Miss Dulcimer, heled her from the apartment. When he returned Lillie was weepinghalf-hysterically on the sofa.
"My darling!" he whispered. "Calm yourself." He laid his hand tenderlyon her hair. Presently the sobs ceased.
"Oh, Lord Silverdale!" she said in a shaken voice. "How good you are!Poor old lady! Poor old lady!"
"Do not distress yourself. I have taken care she shall get home safely."
"Little Dolly! how tragic it was!" whispered Lillie.
"Yes, it was tragic. Probably it is not now so sad to her as it is tous, but it is tragic enough, heaven knows. Lillie,"--he trembled as headdressed her thus for the first time--"I am not sorry this hashappened. The time has come to put an end to all this make-believe. ThisOld Maids' Club of yours is a hollow mockery. You are playing round thefringes of tragedy--it is like warming your hands at a house on fire,wherein wretched beings are shrieking for help. You are young and richand beautiful--Heaven pity the women who have none of these charms. Lifeis a cruel tragedy for many--never crueller than when its remorselesslaws condemn gentle loving women to a crabbed and solitary old age. Tosome all the smiles of fortune, the homage of all mankind--to others allthe frowns of fate and universal neglect, aggravated by contumely. Youhave felt this, I know, and it is as a protest that you conceived yourclub. Still can it ever be a serious success? I love you, Lillie, andyou have known it all along. If I have entered into the joke, believeme, I have sometimes taken it as seriously as you. Come! Say you loveme, too, and let us end the tragi-comedy."
Lillie was obstinately silent for a moment, then she dried her eyes, andwith a wan little smile said, in tones which she vainly strove to renderthose of the usual formula: "What poem have you brought me to-day?"
"To-day I have brought no poem, but I have lived one," said LordSilverdale, taking her soft unresisting hand. "But, like Lady Clara Verede Vere, you put strange memories in my head, and I will tell you someverses I made in the country in my callow youth, when the world was new.
"PASTORAL.
"A rich-toned landscape, touched with darkling gold Of misty, throbbing corn-fields, and with haze Of softly-tinted hills and dreaming wold, Lies warm with raiment of soft summer rays, And in the magic air there lives a free And subtle feeling of the distant sea.
"The perfect day slips softly to its end, The sunset paints the tender evening sky, The shadows shroud the hills with gray, and lend A softened touch of ancient mystery, And ere the silent change of heaven's light I feel the coming glory of the night.
"O for the sweet and sacred earnest gaze Of eyes divine with strange and yearning tears To feel with me the beauty of our days, The glorious sadness of our mortal years The noble misery of the spirit's strife, The joy and splendour of the body's life."
Lillie's hand pressed her lover's with involuntary tenderness, but shehad turned her face away. Presently she murmured:
"But think what you are asking me to do? How can I, the President of theOld Maid's Club, be the first recreant?"
"But you are also the last to leave the ship," he replied, smiling."Besides, you are not legally elected. You never came before theHonorary Trier. You were never a member at all, so have nothing to undo.If you had stood your trial fairly, I should have plucked you, myLillie, plucked you and worn you nearest my heart. It is I who have aposition to resign--the Honorary Triership--and I resign it instanter. Anice trying time I have had, to be sure!"
"Now, now! I set my face against punning!" said Lillie, showing it now,for the smiles had come to hide the tears.
"Pardon, Rainbow," he answered.
"Why do you call me Rainbow?"
"Because you look it," he said. "Because your face is made of sunshineand tears. Go and look in the glass. Also because--well, wait and I willfashion my other reason into rhyme and send it you on our wedding morn."
"Poetry made while you wait," said Lillie, laughing. The laugh frozesuddenly on her lips, and a look of horror overswept her face.
"What is it, dearest?" cried her lover, in alarm.
"Wee Winnie! How can we face Wee Winnie?"
"There is no need to break the truth to her--we can simply get rid ofher by telling her she has never been elected, and never will be."
"Why," said Lillie, with a comic _moue_, "that would be harder to tellher than the truth. But we must first of all tell father. I am afraid hewill be dreadfully disappointed at missing that inaugural _soiree_ afterall. You know he has been staying in town expressly for it. We have somebad quarters of an hour before us."
They sought the millionaire in his sanctum but found him not. Theyinquired of Turple the magnificent, and learned that he was in thegarden. As they turned away, the lovers both simultaneously remarkedsomething peculiar about the face of Turple the magnificent. Moved by acommon impulse, they turned back and gazed at it. For some seconds theycould not at all grasp the change that had come over it--but at last,and almost at the same instant, they realized what was the matter.
_Turple the magnificent was smiling._
Filled with strange apprehensions, Silverdale and Lillie hurried intothe garden, where their vague alarm was exchanged for definiteconsternation. The millionaire was pacing the gravel-paths in thesociety of a strange and beautiful lady. On closer inspection, the ladyturned out to be only too familiar.
"Why it's Wee Winnie masquerading as a woman!" exclaimed LordSilverdale.
And so it proved--Nelly Nimrod in all the flush of her womanly beauty,her mannish attire discarded.
"Why, what is this, father?" murmured Lillie.
"My child," said the millionaire solemnly. "As _you_ have resolved to bean Old Maid, I--I--well I thought it only _my_ duty to marry. Even thepoorest millionaire cannot shirk the responsibilities of wealth."
"But father!" said Lillie in dismay. "I have changed my mind. I am goingto marry Lord Silverdale."
"Bless ye, my children!" said the millionaire. "You are a woman, Lillie,and it is a woman's privilege to change her mind. But I am a man andhave no such privilege. I must marry all the same."
"But Miss Nimrod has changed her mind, too," said Lillie, quite losingher temper. "And _she_ is not a woman."
"Gently, gently," said the millionaire. "Respect your stepmother to be,if you have no respect for my future wife."
"Lillie," said Miss Nimrod appealingly, "do not misjudge me. I have_not_ changed my mind."
"But you said you could never marry, on the ground that while you wouldonly marry an unconventional man, an unconventional man wouldn't want tomarry you."
"Well? Your father is the man I sought. He _didn't_ want to marry me,"she explained frankly.
"Oh," said Lillie, taken utterly aback, and regarding her fathercommiseratingly.
"It is true," he said, laughing uneasily. "I fell in love with WeeWinnie, but now Nelly says she wants to settle down."
"You ought to be grateful to me, Lillie," added Nelly, "for it wassolely in the interest of the Old Maid's Club that I consented to marryyour father. He was always a danger to the Club; at any moment he mighthave put forth autocratic authority and wound it up. So I thought thatby marrying him I should be able to influence him in its favor."
"No doubt you _will_ make him see the desirability of women remainingold maids," retorted Lillie unappeased.
"Come, come, Lillie, be sensible!" said the millionaire. "Nelly shallgive Lillie a good dinner at the Junior Widows, one of those charmingdinners you and I have had there, and Lillie please send out the cardsfor the inaugural _soiree_. I am not going to be done out of that andnothing can now be gained by delay."
"But, sir, how can we inaugurate a Club which has never had anymembers?" asked Silverdale.
"But what does that matter? Aren't there plenty of candidates withoutthem? Besides, nobody'll know. Each of the candidates will think theothers are the members. Tell you what, boy, they shall all dance atLillie's wedding, and we'll make that the inaugural _soiree_."
"But that would be to publish my failure to the world," remonstratedLillie.
"Nonsense, dear. It'll be published without that. Trust the _Moon_.Isn't it better to take the bull by the horns?"
"Well, yes, perhaps you're right," said Lillie hesitating. "But I hopethe world will understand that it is only desperation at the collapse ofthe Old Maids' Club that has driven me to commit matrimony."
She went back to the Club to write out the cards.
"What do you think of my stepmother?" she inquired pathetically of theex-Honorary Trier.
"What do I think?" said Lord Silverdale seriously. "I think she is thepunishment of Providence for your interference with its designs."
* * * * *
The explanatory poem duly came to hand on Lillie's wedding morn. It waswritten on vellum in the bridegroom's best hand and ran--
RAINBOW.
Ah, why I call you "Rainbow," sweet? The shadows 'fore your eyes retreat, The ground grows light beneath your feet.
You smile in your superior way, A Rainbow has no feet, you say? Nay, be not so precise to-day.
Created but to soothe and bless, You followed logic to excess, Repressing thoughts of tenderness.
My life was chilled and wan and hoary, You came, the Bow of ancient story, To kiss the grayness into glory.
And now, as Rainbow fair to see, A promise sweet you are to me Of sorrow never more to be.
Besides the friends of the happy pair, nearly all the candidates werepresent at the inaugural _soiree_ of the Old Maids' Club. Not quiteall--because Lillie who was rapidly growing conventional did not care tohave Clorinda Bell even accompanied by her mother, or by her brother,the Man in the Ironed Mask. Nor did she invite the twins, nor theosculatory Alice. But she conquered her prejudices in other instances,and Frank Maddox, the art critic, came under the convoy of the composer,Paul Horace, and
Miss Mary Friscoe was brought by Bertie Smythe. TheWriters' Club also sent Ellaline Rand, and an account of the proceedingsappeared in the first number of the _Cherub_. The "Princess" was broughtby Miss Primpole, and Captain Athelstan and Lord Arthur came together inunimpaired friendship. Eustasia Pallas and her husband, Percy SwinshellSpatt, both their faces full of the peace that passeth understanding,got a night off for the occasion and came in a hansom paid for out ofthe week's beer-money. Turple the magnificent, who had seen them at homein the servants' hall, was outraged in his deepest instincts andmultiplied occasions for offering them refreshments merely for thepleasure of snorting in their proximity. The great Fladpick (FrankGray), accompanied by his newly-won bride, Cecilia, made the eveningmemorable by the presence of the English Shakespeare, Guy Fledgelybrought Miss Sybil Hotspur, and his father, the baronet, was under thecare of Miss Jack. The lady from Boston wired congratulations on thesuccess of the Club from Yokohama whither she had gone to pick uplacquer-work. Poor Miss Summerson, the lovely May, and the victim of theValentine were a triad that was much admired. Miss Fanny Radowski, whoseOriental loveliness excited much attention, came, with Martin. WinifredWoodpecker was accompanied by her mother, the resemblance between thetwo being generally remarked, and Miss Margaret Linbridge seemed toafford Richard Westbourne copious opportunities for jealousy. EvenWilkins was there with his Diana, in an unprofessional capacity, Lilliehaving relented towards her interviewer on learning that she had beenreally engaged to Silverplume once and that she had not entirely drawnon the stores of journalistic fancy. Silverplume himself was there,unconscious to what he owed the invitation, and paying marked attentionto the unattached beauties. Miss Nimrod promenaded the rooms on the armof the millionaire. She had improved vastly since she had becomeeffeminate, and Lillie felt she could put up with her, now she would nothave to live with her. Even Silverdale's aunt, Lady Goody-Goody Twoshoescould find no fault with Nelly now.
It was a brilliant scene. The apartments of the Old Maids' Club had beenartistically decked with the most gorgeous flowers that the millionairecould afford, and the epigrams had been carefully removed so as to leavethe rooms free for dancing. As Lillie's father gazed around, he feltthat not many millionaires could secure such a galaxy of beauty ascircled in the giddy dance in his gilded saloon. It was, indeed, anunexampled gathering of pretty girls--this inaugural _soiree_ of the OldMaids' Club, and the millionaire's shirt-front heaved with pride andpleasure and the Letter-Day Cupid that still hung on the wall seemed totake heart of grace again.
"You got my verses this morning, Rainbow mine?" said Silverdale, whenthe carriage drove off, and the honeymoon began.
It was almost the first moment they had had together the whole day.
"Yes," said Lillie softly. "And I wanted to tell you there are two lineswhich are truer than you meant."
"I am indeed, a poet, then! Which are they?"
Lillie blushed sweetly. Presently she murmured,
"'You followed logic to excess, Repressing thoughts of tenderness.'
"How did you know that?" she asked, her brown eyes looking ingenuouslyinto his.
"Love's divination, I suppose."
"My father didn't tell you?"
"Tell me what?"
"About my discovery in the algebra of love?"
"Algebra of love?"
"No, of course he didn't. I don't suppose he ever really understood it,"said Lillie with a pathetic smile. "I think I ought to tell you now whatit was that made me so--so--you understand."
She put her little warm hand lightly into his and nestled against hisshoulder, as if to make amends.
After a delicious silence, for Lord Silverdale betrayed no signs ofimpatience, Lillie confessed all.
"So you see I have loved you all along!" she concluded. "Only I did notdare hope that the chance would come to pass, against which the oddswere 5999."
"But great heavens!" cried Lord Silverdale, "do you mean to say this iswhy you were so cold to me all those long weary months?"
"It is the only reason," faltered Lillie. "But would you have had medefy the probabilities?"
"No, no, of course not. I wouldn't dream of such a thing. But you havemiscalculated them!"
"Miscalculated them?"
Lillie began to tremble violently.
"Yes, there is a fallacy in your ratiocination."
"A fallacy!" she whispered hoarsely.
"Yes, you have calculated on the theory that the probabilities areindependent, whereas they are interdependent. In the algebra of lovethis is the typical class of probabilities. The two events--your fallingin love with me, my falling in love with you--are related; they are notabsolutely isolated phenomena as you have superficially assumed. It isour common qualities which make us gravitate together, and what makes melove you is the same thing that makes you love me. Thus the odds againstour loving each other are immensely less than you have ciphered out."
Lillie had fallen back, huddled up, in her corner of the carriage, herface covered with her hands.
"Forgive me," said Lord Silverdale penitently. "I had no right tocorrect your mathematics on your wedding-day. Say two and two are sixand I will make it so."
"Two and two are not six and you know it," said Lillie firmly, raisingher wet face. "It is I who have to ask forgiveness for being so cruel toyou. But if I have sinned, I have sinned in ignorance. You will believethat, dearest?"
"I believe anything that comes from my Rainbow's lips," said LordSilverdale. "Why, they are quite white! Let me kiss them rosy again."
Like a naughty child that has been chastened by affliction she held upher face obediently to meet his. The lips were already blushing.
"But confess," she said, while an arch indefinable light came into thebrown eyes, "confess we have had a most original courtship."
* * * * * *
Transcriber's note:
Throughout the document, the oe-ligature was replaced with "oe".
Throughout the dialogues, there were words used to mimic accents of thespeakers. Those words were retained as-is.
The illustrations have been moved so that they do not break upparagraphs and so that they are next to the text they illustrate. Thusthe page number of the illustration might not match the page number inthe List of Illustrations, and the order of illustrations may not be thesame in the List of Illustrations and in the book.
Errors in punctuation and inconsistent hyphenation were not correctedunless otherwise noted.
Some corrections were made to quotation marks. Some of the useof quotation marks was not consistent with current standards, but wasinternally consistent and left unchanged. Some unpaired quotation marksand an unpaired parenthesis mark were left as-is.
On the title page, a quotation mark was added before "THE BACHELOR'SCLUB".
On page 17, "thy" was replaced with "they".
On page 20, a single quotation mark is replaced with a double quotationmark.
On page 23, a double quotation mark was added after "What do men think?"
On page 25, a period was added after "Here is her photograph".
On page 27, "repectable" was replaced with "respectable".
On page 54, "promonitory" was replaced with "promontory".
On page 56, the comma after "I laughed" was replaced with a period.
On page 60, the comma after "blank expression" was deleted.
On page 72, a double quotation mark was added before "The plurality ismerely apparent."
On page 88, "aeronaut" was replaced with "aeronaut".
On page 99, a comma was added after "(which is easy)".
On page 103, "did no" was replaced with "did not".
On page 111, the comma after "I love you was replaced with a period.
On page 112, a quotation mark was removed after "then silence anymore?".
On page 119, a closing single quotation mark was added after "theepileptoid order".
On pa
ge 120, a period was removed after "Mr. and".
On page 124, a quotation mark was added after "only real life.".
On page 124, "The past was put" was replaced with "The past was but".
On page 127, "abut" was replaced with "about".
On page 136, the double quotation marks around "tag" were replaced withsingle quotation marks.
On page 138, double quotation marks were replaced with single quotationmarks around "Now you see what I have had to put up with."
In the caption of the illustration that originally was on page 145,"Advertsement" was replaced with "Advertisement".
On page 157, a quotation mark was added before "You know I don't".
On page 176, "might" was replaced with "night".
On page 186, a quotation mark was added after "those of thephotograph.".
On page 200, a comma was added after "Eleven Weekly Papers".
On page 242, a period was added after "rehearsal".
On page 244, "Miss Jacks" was replaced with "Miss Jack".
On page 244, a comma was removed after "conventional".
On page 253, "onomatopoeiac" was replaced with "onomatopoeic".
On page 261, a quotation mark was added before "Sybil's reply".
On page 264, "decend" was replaced with "descend".
On page 272, "then" was replaced with "them".
On page 276, a quotation mark was added after "in Fleet Street.".
On page 280, "well" was replaced with "will".
On page 280, a quotation mark was removed before "Years afterwards".
On page 288, "I no not" was replaced with "I do not".
On page 289, a period was after "become an Old Maid".
On page 299, the double quotation after "I had left my little all." waschanged to a single quotation mark.
On page 301, the double quotation mark was deleted after "BucklesburyBuildings----'".
On page 309, the quotation mark was removed in the subtitle of ChapterXIX.
On page 318, "incompromise" was replaced with "incomprise".
On page 323, a quotation mark was added after "My poor Philip!".
On page 324, "body's li" was replaced with "body's life.".
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