Love and Other Battles

by Tess Woods

  Jamie slammed the steering wheel with her palm. Fuck. Going back to the police station, making a victim statement, having to relive the whole thing in court — all of that was the very last thing CJ needed when she was so fragile. That kind of trauma could be enough to undo all the healing she’d done so far and make her self-harm again.

  ‘I just don’t know if that’s good for CJ,’ she said heavily. ‘Or Mia.’

  ‘Yes, it’s a tough call,’ Detective Nguyen replied softly. ‘Why don’t you think about it before making a decision?’

  ‘Would he go to jail with a manipulation charge?’ The tears that never seemed far away these days started up again.

  ‘Probably not, no. It’s more likely he’d be convicted but get off with community service or a fine. Most people who are convicted don’t go to jail, Jamie, especially young first-time offenders.’

  How could she put CJ and Mia through hell so that all that would happen was that Finn could then go and do some gardening for the local council? She said goodbye to Detective Nguyen and dried her eyes with the back of her hand. No more tears. It was time to stop crying and deal with this kid once for and all. If the law was so pathetic that he wouldn’t be punished for his crimes, then she would have to take matters into her own hands and tell his parents. At least he could face the consequences at home.

  She used a tissue to try and wipe off the smeared mascara on the back of her hand. It didn’t come off. She rubbed harder and harder until her skin turned red raw, but the black smears stayed put.

  So what if what she was about to do was crossing the line? So what if she lost her job? It wasn’t like she needed the money. She’d barely touched the millions her grandfather had left her. She didn’t have to work another day in her life if she chose not to. And at this point she never wanted to step foot in that damn school again anyway.

  The wheels spun as she pressed down on the accelerator and left the clinic car park. She didn’t need her GPS, she knew the house. CJ had pointed it out to her enough times. It wasn’t far from where they lived.

  Her car screeched to a halt in front of the driveway. Good, two cars were on the drive. She could shame him now in front of both his mother and father, and hopefully that would land him in a whole world of trouble, which was the least he deserved.

  The sensor lights came on when Jamie stepped up onto the porch. She had her hand in the air about to pound on the door when she heard shouting coming from inside.

  ‘Forty-two per cent? What are you, a goddamn moron?’

  She froze.

  ‘I said I’m sorry, Dad!’

  Was that Finn? It had to be, but he sounded entirely different. Younger. Years younger. He sounded frightened.

  Jamie held her breath and listened.

  ‘Sorry doesn’t cut it, you dumb piece of shit! Why am I paying private school fees? So you can bring home marks like this! You think wasting my money is some kind of joke? Do you?’ Finn’s dad roared.

  ‘Stuart, please, it’s only one test.’ A woman’s voice cut through.

  ‘You stay out of it, bitch! If it wasn’t for you smothering him, he wouldn’t have turned out like this.’

  ‘Dad, please! I’m sorry. I’ll try harder next time!’ There was a desperate edge to Finn’s voice.

  Jamie’s stomach clenched.

  ‘Shut up!’ his father yelled. ‘It’s the hours you waste with that fucking guitar that’s taking you away from what’s important.’

  ‘Dad, Dad, what are you doing? No! Don’t! Please! Stop, Dad! Please!’

  ‘I said shut up! This will teach you to ignore your school work.’

  ‘Stuart! No!’

  ‘I told you to stay the fuck out of it!’

  Finn’s mum screamed.

  ‘Dad!’ Finn cried.

  Jamie banged on the door with both fists, her heart racing. ‘Finn! It’s Miss Stone! Someone open the door or I’ll call the police!’

  She wasn’t surprised that nobody came. How could they possibly hear her above Finn’s desperate wails, his mother’s screams, and the gut-wrenching sound of a guitar being smashed to bits.

  She ran to her car and rang triple zero, told the police all she had heard and provided them with the address to Finn’s house. The person she spoke to assured her they’d send a police car straight over.

  She left then.

  When she arrived at home, still shaking, she switched off the engine and messaged Andrew.

  Hey, would it be bad if I don’t come back to work next week? I don’t feel ready.

  Nobody would even notice, I’m so good at your job it’s not even funny.

  Despite herself, she smiled.

  Okay thanks. Sorry I messaged you this late.

  I’m forty-five, not a hundred! Ten isn’t late Feel like a chat?

  She thought about whether she could face another phone call tonight. But Andrew was a good fixer. Maybe he could help her be a little less broken.

  Yes please.

  Over the phone, she told Andrew about everything that had happened between CJ and Finn. She had to share her grief with someone or she’d explode. Recounting what had happened to CJ for the second time in one night was difficult, but Andrew was a great listener.

  Then she told him what she’d heard earlier when she’d gone to Finn’s.

  He let out a long sigh. ‘God, Jamie. You should never have gone around there. You could’ve lost your job, been sued, got caught up in it even — gotten yourself hurt. What were you thinking?’

  ‘I wasn’t thinking.’

  He was silent for a while. ‘I guess in the end, it’s probably good you did go. Maybe the cops going over there now will scare his arsehole father a bit.’

  ‘Maybe. So what do I do now? There’s no way I’m letting him get away with everything he’s done. But I’m also worried about his safety if his dad finds out.’

  ‘Well, for a start, you are doing nothing. You’re to have absolutely nothing to do with this whole situation now. I’m taking over. And of course he’s not going to get away with it. I’ll call the board and sort out with them what to do about Finn. I think at the very least, if Mia still has that text message, we can have him expelled. But you’re to stay away from this, got it?’

  ‘Got it.’ Jamie wiped the last of her tears away. ‘You know, when I was driving to his house, I felt violent. Like, actually violent. I wanted to physically hurt the kid. I’ve never felt like that about another human being in my life.’

  ‘I get it. I’m not exactly feeling all warm and fuzzy about him myself at the moment and she’s not even my daughter. Don’t worry, he’s not going to get away with it on my watch.’

  ‘What would I do without you?’

  ‘You’ll never have to find out.’

  8 JANUARY 1970

  My Flower Child,

  I need to see you and talk to you more than I’ve ever needed anything. I’m sitting in the tent I share with Mick out here in this godforsaken jungle with his blood still on my clothes. I tried to save him, I swear I did.

  They’ve taken him away on a chopper to Saigon to send him home. He was an only child, Jess.

  Do you know who killed him? A ten year old. Mick was shooing him away from the mine we were clearing and the kid shot him point-blank.

  I’m not cut out for this.

  Don’t forget your promise to me. I want a bugler playing ‘Taps’.

  Don’t forget, okay?

  Love,

  Frank

  16 MARCH 2018 — 9 AM

  ‘So, last full day.’ Megan poured CJ a glass of water.

  ‘Last full day,’ CJ repeated.

  ‘How do you feel?’

  She picked up one of the cushions and hugged it against her stomach. There was a loose pink thread in the stitching and she began to pull at it. ‘I feel really good.’

  ‘Nervous about going home?’

  ‘A bit. But it’s not a bad nervous. It’s kind of a good nervous.’

  CJ adored Megan
, who had not only helped her in their daily sessions together, but who had also become her biggest ally. Megan had done what CJ had thought would be impossible — she’d somehow convinced Jamie that the best thing for CJ was to leave school.

  CJ wasn’t there to see how that conversation went down, but her jaw nearly hit the ground when her mum told her afterwards that if she wanted to focus on her music career instead of going back to school then that was okay with her.

  ‘More excited than nervous?’ Megan asked. ‘That’s great. What are you most excited about?’

  That was easy, she didn’t even need to think about that. ‘Meeting my dad.’

  ‘Lovely.’ Megan smiled. ‘In your mind, how does it play out when you meet him on Sunday?’

  She’d been imagining what it would be like to meet Scott Gunn for most of her life. He was her undisputed favourite singer since she was a little girl. She’d often daydreamed about making it as a country singer herself and meeting him that way. She’d never been attracted to him physically because he was so old, thank God. What would her mum have done if CJ had told her she had a crush on him? Would she have told her the truth about Scott then or would she have let the attraction run? It was too stomach-turning to even think about.

  She’d had over two weeks to get used to the fact that Scott Gunn was actually her father. They’d spoken on the phone twice and he’d sent her messages every single day since he’d found out about her. His messages were long and heartfelt and some read more like letters —

  Hey there, your mum tells me today has been a bit of an uphill one for you. She says you’ve talked to her about all the time you and I missed having together over the years.

  I want to say to you that your mum did the right thing! I was a goddamn mess for most of your life. I was in and out of jail, I had a pretty big love affair with heroin and bourbon for a few years there too. You were better off without me, CJ, I promise. I would’ve brought nothing but misery to your life. And your mum’s raised you to be the amazing young woman you are today. Try not to feel bad that I wasn’t around when you were younger.

  But now I get to be your dad for the rest of our lives and there’s NOTHING that I’m more excited about than that. Your mum’s been sending me loads of photos and videos of you and each one of them is worth every Grammy and CMA ten times over! You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me and I’m counting the sleeps (only four to go!) until I get to meet you and give you a big old hug

  CJ still had flashes of red hot anger towards her mum, moments when she felt herself losing control, when she lashed out at her. The anger spewed out like hot lava without warning, sometimes making her cry, other times making Jamie cry. But as suddenly as the rage came, it went, and she was left feeling deflated and calm again.

  Deep down, she understood that her mum might have been wrong, but she’d only done what she’d thought was the best. With each day, CJ accepted that a little more, and with Megan’s help, she tried to focus on the future with her dad in it, instead of staying hung up on the past.

  Scott had cancelled his entire upcoming Vegas tour just to come back to Melbourne to spend time with her. He’d said his insurance pay-out to the organisers would be millions of dollars but he didn’t even care, that she was worth it.

  Megan broke into her thoughts and brought her back into the present. ‘CJ? How does it play out in your head when you think about meeting your dad on Sunday?’

  She pulled out more of the pink thread from the cushion and wrapped it in a few tight loops around her index finger. Her finger was turning blue.

  ‘CJ. Stop,’ Megan said firmly.

  She quickly unwrapped it from around her finger. ‘Oh, I was just playing, sorry.’

  ‘No need to apologise. But are you absolutely sure you feel ready to go home? You can stay here another two, three weeks, even longer if you need it. There’s no rush for you to be discharged tomorrow.’

  ‘No, no, I definitely want to go home. And anyway, I still have the sessions here with you every day next week. I’ll draw the butterflies, I’ll be okay,’ she promised.

  She wasn’t lying. She truly did believe she would cope at home. Things had turned around for her. When she was first admitted, the itch, the hunger to cut, was there more often than it wasn’t. There were moments when she’d been so irritable, she hadn’t been able to keep still or think of anything except how desperate she was to find a blade. She’d escape into the ensuite and close the door so she could stamp her feet and scream into a towel in silent frustration. But each time the minutes ticked by and the urge to self-harm lessened and then passed altogether, she’d been overcome with gratitude that she was in a place where she had no access to anything sharp enough to cut herself with.

  And then Megan introduced her to the Butterfly Project and her mum bought her a whole rainbow of Sharpies. She’d used them every day, sometimes nine or ten times a day, to draw butterflies on her arms or her thighs when the urge to cut hit her. Usually by the time she’d finished drawing the butterflies, with their multicoloured, intricately patterned wings, the urge had passed. She was comforted by the drawings on the arms of the other women and girls she saw around the wards. It wasn’t just her. She wasn’t a freak.

  Whenever she looked at her body and saw a butterfly, it was a reminder to her that even if she didn’t feel good about herself in that moment, she was important to those who loved her and she was too special to harm.

  Every night she went onto the Butterfly Project blog to read more stories about people just like her, who were struggling with their addiction to self-harm. These people were her tribe. She connected with girls her own age online and they left each other kind messages. She didn’t know their full names, they were all anonymous, but CJ considered them her real friends. And she now had more friends than she’d ever had before.

  With her finger, she traced a butterfly in shades of pink and purple on her right wrist, and said to Megan, ‘I’m confident I won’t do anything to hurt myself at home. And anyway, my dad will be living there, and he promised Mum he’d be with me twenty-four seven, so it’s not like I could self-harm even if I wanted to.’

  ‘I think we both know you’d find a way to self-harm if you really wanted to. But I have faith in you. And you know you can always come back if you feel you need to be here again.’

  ‘Yep, thanks. I know that.’

  I’m not coming back here, ever.

  School was behind her and she didn’t have to see Finn anymore. The dope in her locker was dismissed by the police with nothing more than a written warning; her name was on file but no charges had been laid. And her dad had come into her life for the first time. It was as if CJ herself was the butterfly, starting over again, breaking her way out of the dark place she’d been cocooned in for so long and ready to fly.

  ‘You’re really looking forward to having your dad around, aren’t you?’ Megan smiled.

  ‘I am. He’s so nice.’ She couldn’t help but smile back at Megan when she remembered the message her dad sent her that morning. The one that made her buzz with excitement.

  I’ve been watching some videos of your performances that your mum sent me. Amazing! The songs, your voice, I’m blown away. There’s a big career waiting for you over here in Nashville whenever you’re ready!

  ‘I’m happy for you, CJ,’ Megan said.

  ‘I’m happy for me too.’ And she meant it.

  16 MARCH 2018 — 4 PM

  ‘Darling, you haven’t read yesterday’s paper. That’s a week now without any news — are you not interested anymore?’ Jess neatened up the steadily growing stack of untouched newspapers on the bedside table. ‘Oh, you’ll never guess what I found out about last night — an app that actually reads the Herald Sun out to you. I can set it up for you. Where’s your phone, my love? It’s not on your dresser.’

  He didn’t answer. So she looked for the phone herself and eventually found it buried underneath his clothes inside the tiny wardrobe.

>   ‘Why’s your phone hidden away like that? And out of charge? Haven’t you been listening to your podcasts at night?’

  There was no reply.

  She found the charger and when the phone came to life, it lit up with a dozen messages from CJ, Jamie and other members of the family.

  ‘Oh, darling.’ She sighed. ‘Why? Why are you shutting everyone and everything out like this? I know it’s been worse for you lately, but this is getting ridiculous.’

  He turned his head away from her.

  ‘So this is going to be us from now on, is it?’ She crossed her arms. ‘I come here, you ignore me all day, I leave. Is that our new routine?’

  He didn’t respond.

  It was the fourth day in a row he hadn’t spoken to her, hadn’t interacted with her in any way, hadn’t even looked at her. The fourth day in a row he’d barely eaten a thing. He’d already lost too much weight. The skin hung off his cheeks and his neck.

  He kept his head bent, looking in the other direction, away from her. Jess leaned over and used the napkin on his tray to wipe the drool. He flinched at her touch and the tears welled in her eyes.

  ‘This isn’t fair.’ Her voice broke. ‘You can’t treat me like this. I don’t deserve it.’

  He didn’t respond.

  ‘Don’t you see that what you’re asking is too much to ask of anyone? I can’t do it. I can’t end your life for you.’

  Again, nothing.

  ‘So after everything, this is how you want it to be between us? With you not speaking to me until I agree to murder you? After all we’ve been through together, really?’ She reached for a tissue and dabbed at her eyes. ‘Those years after the war, do you remember those years? Remember how hard and painful they were for both of us? We got through that. And when I lost our baby, and the second, and the third, we stuck together, side by side, through all of that too. We’re you and me. We’re us. And now you want to abandon me?’ She let out a sob. ‘Why are you giving up when we haven’t explored everything we can do yet? There’s still so much out there we can try. What if they find a cure in a month or six months’ time and you become well again? If I do what you want me to do, then that’s it. It’s over. No second chances. You’re gone, and I’m left all alone.’ She cried with full force now. ‘And I don’t want to be alone. I want to be with you.’