Love and Other Battles

by Tess Woods

  Their girls were fine. It was time.

  She’d turned up early today and they had spent the morning outdoors, sitting amicably under the shade of the gum trees. She fed him lunch and massaged his hands and feet. Then she gave him the tablets and he swallowed them down, making her smile when he held up his plastic glass to her as a toast.

  They didn’t reminisce, they didn’t say any goodbyes.

  She climbed onto the bed next to him and laid her head on his chest until his breaths became more shallow and irregular. She said his name but he didn’t answer, his eyes were shut.

  It wouldn’t take long now.

  They’d agreed that she’d leave while he was still breathing, to make it less suspicious.

  She kissed his eyelids. She held his weathered face in her hands and kissed his lips and both of his cheeks. Then she picked up his rigid hands and kissed every one of his fingertips before laying his arms down by his sides again. He didn’t respond. He was sleeping deeply now.

  Her lips trembled as she took in the sight of him for the last time. She wanted to throw herself on top of him. To stay there forever.

  She blew him a final kiss, and on shaky legs she left the room, gently closing the door behind her.

  She ignored Shreya’s farewell greeting and kept her eyes fixed straight ahead through a blur of her tears until she reached her car.

  Once in the driver’s seat, she let it all out.

  After a while, she reached for her seatbelt. The dizziness she had been experiencing descended on her and the world became hazy. She couldn’t see the lock to click the seatbelt in and she kept missing it until she gave up.

  The spinning in her head intensified. She rested her head back against the car seat and shut her eyes as sweat poured from her.

  When she opened them again, Frank was standing in front of her, giving her his cocky grin. He was a young man, dressed in his army greens and clutching his hat to his chest. The jungle behind him was thick and green.

  ‘What are you doing here?’ she asked out loud.

  ‘I came for you, Flower Child.’ He reached out a hand to her. ‘Come with me.’

  So she did.

  27 APRIL 2018 — 4 PM

  Jamie was flipping through the Who magazine on her desk, wondering how it got there. As she looked at photos of Harry and Meghan holding hands, her mind drifted to CJ.

  There were still moments like this when Jamie couldn’t breathe, moments where she imagined CJ sick or sad and thousands of miles away at the opposite end of the world, and she thought her heart might snap. But for CJ’s sake she was trying hard to control her panic and help CJ prepare for Nashville.

  Andrew stuck his head in her office. ‘Did you like the mag?’

  ‘Was that you? I was wondering how it got here.’

  ‘Yeah, it was me. I went to fill up my car at lunch and it was on the counter of the service station.’

  ‘You’re my hero.’

  He put his arms up in a silly Superman pose and she found herself transfixed by his bulging biceps.

  ‘Right, I’m off to manscape.’ He rubbed his hands together. ‘Got a hot date tomorrow night. See you, boss. Don’t go having too much fun with all your cleaning and bookwork this weekend.’

  ‘Don’t go on that date!’ The words were out before she could stop herself.

  ‘Excuse me?’ He looked as surprised as she was by her outburst.

  ‘Don’t go.’ She felt herself free-falling.

  ‘And why not exactly?’ He laughed. ‘Are you jealous?’

  ‘Yes.’ Her heart beat furiously as she admitted the truth to herself for the first time.

  He walked further into her office and closed the door. ‘What?’

  ‘It’s true, I’m jealous.’ She was beginning to sweat but it was too late to backtrack now. ‘I don’t want you to go out with anyone — anyone except me.’

  He squinted at her. ‘Are you taking the piss?’

  ‘No. I’m totally serious.’

  ‘But when I asked you out earlier in the year you —’

  ‘I’ve changed my mind,’ she interrupted. ‘I do want to go out with you. I’ll go anywhere you like, even swing dancing.’

  He gave her a sideways look. ‘What about Scott?’

  ‘What about him?’

  ‘Is there nothing between you two? Because it didn’t look that way to me when I saw you together the night he turned up.’

  ‘I hadn’t seen him for eighteen years and I guess I was caught up in the moment. I’d never let myself get over him before. But I’m definitely over him now. It’s you I want to be with, not him.’

  ‘I just want to be really, really clear here so there’s no misunderstanding.’ He took a step closer to her.

  She realised she was still sitting at her desk and quickly stood up.

  He looked her in the eye. ‘You’re actually asking me out. As in out out. Not as platonic friends. You want to go out not platonically. Am I right?’

  She nodded.

  ‘You’re attracted to me?’ His voice was incredulous. ‘You certainly hid that well, Jamie Stone. I had no bloody idea. I’ve spent the last five years trying not to perve on you because I thought you didn’t like me that way.’

  Despite how nervous she was, she laughed. ‘I very much like you that way. I want you to perve on me.’

  His expression softened. ‘Do you now?’ His tone was husky. ‘Does this mean I might get to see my boss in her knickers?’ He intertwined his fingers with hers.

  His touch sent an electric pulse racing through her.

  ‘Quite possibly.’ She leaned in closer so their noses were almost touching.

  ‘I’d really like to see you in your knickers,’ he breathed in her ear, sending tingles racing up and down her back.

  ‘I’d really like to show you,’ she whispered back.

  He dropped his gaze to her lips. Her stomach flip-flopped.

  ‘Well, I wasn’t expecting this to happen today.’ He pulled her in close and ran his fingers along her spine, sending her crazy with desire.

  ‘Good things happen to people who buy me magazines with royals on the cover.’ She felt herself becoming more and more breathless.

  He laughed before leaning in to kiss her. His lips were warm and tender. She put her arms around his neck and kissed him with all that she had.

  Her phone rang. She was tempted to let it ring out but she couldn’t in case it was CJ. She broke away. ‘Sorry, I should see who it is.’ She pulled the still-ringing phone out of her bag.

  Sunrise Glades. What did they want? They never called her.

  ‘Hello, Jamie Stone speaking.’

  ‘Hi, Jamie, it’s Shreya, from Sunrise Glades.’ Shreya sounded like she had a bad cold.

  ‘Oh hi, Shreya. Is everything okay?’

  ‘Jamie, I’m so sorry but I’m calling with bad news.’

  It was lucky Andrew was close enough to catch her when her knees buckled beneath her.

  18 MAY 2018

  From behind the safety of the flyscreen door, CJ spied her mum standing on the driveway saying goodbye to Mr Corelli. Was something going on between them? The way they stood so close to each other was weird for people who were supposed to be just friends.

  When CJ had found out who her dad was, she’d had a secret wish that he and her mum would get back together. But it had quickly become obvious that that was never going to happen.

  Mr Corelli bent his head and kissed Jamie fully on the lips. Right, well that answered that question then! They suited each other, her mum and Mr Corelli.

  CJ closed the front door. The mourners had all gone home. There were paper plates and cups littered all over the place. She took a bin liner out from the cupboard under the kitchen sink and walked around the lounge picking up the rubbish.

  It was a relief to finally have the funeral over with. They’d been in a holding pattern while the coroner took her sweet time examining her grandparents’ bodies. The fact that her nan had
been found dead in her car just minutes after one of the nurses found her pop dead in his room at the nursing home had instantly aroused suspicion that it was a murder-suicide.

  The shock and grief had been hard enough to deal with, but this added twist had made it ten times worse. CJ adored both her grandparents. Losing them had left a giant hole in her heart, but her nan had left a giant hole in her day-to-day life too. Scott had left for Nashville, and with her nan gone now, the house felt big and empty with just CJ and her mum left in it.

  When the coroner’s report had come through that her nan’s stroke had been purely coincidental to her pop’s death, she’d felt a big wave of relief. She’d known beyond doubt that her nan would never willingly abandon her or her mum. But when, a day later, the report had come that her pop had died from a toxic dose of prescription medicine, their world had been turned upside down again. So her nan had killed him. At first, it had been impossible to get her head around it.

  But after the shock had worn off, CJ had come to the conclusion that her nan must have acted under instructions. It couldn’t have been murder, there was no way she would have wanted to be rid of Pop. Jess was the most devoted loving wife in the world. CJ hoped that someday her mum would see this too.

  The front door opened and her mum walked in. The bags under her eyes were huge and dark blue. ‘Oh, honey, you don’t need to clean up now. It’s been a long day, why don’t you put the kettle on instead and we’ll tackle this mess tomorrow?’ Jamie suggested.

  ‘S’okay. I like having something to do, it takes my mind off everything.’

  Her mum pulled her in for a hug. ‘Aunty Maureen looked so pale today, didn’t she? The poor love, I hope she’s okay. She was so close to the both of them.’

  ‘I’m more worried about how pale you are, Mum, than Aunty Maureen.’

  ‘I’ll be okay.’ Jamie gave her a weak smile. ‘Thank you for postponing your flight. I can’t imagine not having had you here with me today.’

  CJ swallowed. ‘Mum, I’m not going to Nashville. I messaged Dad last night and told him to cancel my ticket.’

  ‘What? Why? It’s not because of me, is it? Because honestly, I’ll be fine, honey. I don’t want to stand in your way.’

  ‘Mum, how can I leave you when this has just happened? You can’t lose Nan, Pop and me all at the same time.’

  ‘But —’ she protested, but CJ didn’t let her finish.

  ‘Anyway, it’s mostly because of me not you that I cancelled the trip. I’m not ready to move there yet.’ She sat on the couch.

  ‘Why?’

  ‘Lots of reasons. I still need counselling; I need Megan. I’m worried about not finding a psych as good as her over there. And the more Dad talks about it, the more I think he’s going to be really busy recording the new album and I’ll just be in his way.’ She stopped for a second, willing herself to drum up the courage to say what she really wanted to say. ‘Mainly, I’m worried that I’ll go back to cutting if I leave, because it’s what I still want to do whenever I’m scared or stressed, and everything over there will be scary or stressful at first, won’t it? So I feel like I shouldn’t go yet. Maybe in a few months I’ll feel differently.’

  Jamie sat down next to her. ‘I’ve been so worried about you leaving this soon for the same reasons. But I didn’t want to hold you back from your dad anymore. CJ, I hope you know that you can talk to me whenever you feel stressed or scared. I’m here for you.’

  ‘I know. And I promise I’ll tell you if I think I’m actually going to go through with it. The way I’ve been feeling since Nan and Pop passed away has shown me that I still really need the sessions with Megan.’ As she gave her thoughts a voice, she felt even more convinced that she was doing the right thing.

  ‘Honey, do you want to go back to the clinic? Just short term?’

  ‘No. I want to be here with you.’ She gave her mum a reassuring smile. ‘I’ll be okay, I promise. I just don’t want to move overseas yet, that’s all.’

  ‘I’m so proud of you for being this honest with yourself,’ her mum said. ‘And I feel selfish saying this, but I’m also really happy you’re staying longer.’

  ‘You’ve supported me for my whole life, Mum. I want to be here to support you now.’ She gave her a nudge. ‘So, Mr Corelli, huh? Nice.’ She laughed and picked up the bin liner again to clean up the mess while her mum turned the colour of a ripe tomato.

  1 SEPTEMBER 1970

  Flower Child,

  I’m sorry but our countdown needs adjusting. They’ve cancelled my flight home because of the scale back of troops that’s started. The next flight out of here isn’t until 7 September now. I know you’ll be disappointed, but just think, we’ve lasted a whole year, what’s a few more days?

  They need a replacement medic on the minefield and there’s hardly any of us left here now, so I’ve volunteered. It’s a simple search and destroy, like Dat Do was. They’re confident the area’s been cleared of VC so don’t worry.

  I’ve been thinking a lot about my time here, with my tour coming to an end. There are things I regret, that’s for sure. Some of them, I’m so ashamed of, I haven’t even told you about. I don’t mean being unfaithful to you, because I never once was. I mean the stuff that goes on in a war. I’m going to have to learn to live with myself and the decisions I made while I was here.

  But in the end, I’m glad I came and served my country and all in all I’m proud of myself. I did what I came here to do — I saved lives. There would be people, both Australian and Vietnamese, who wouldn’t be alive if it weren’t for me. It makes me feel good that I’m leaving knowing I did my job and I did it well. Now I sound as up myself as a Yank!

  I’ve got the best girl in the world waiting for me back home and our bub on the way. What more could a man need than that? Six days and a wakey, my Flower Child.

  Love,

  Frank

  14 JULY 2018

  CJ waited in line at the checkout, her basket full of groceries, when she saw him standing in the queue at the counter right next to hers.

  He looked up at that exact moment and their eyes locked. Neither of them spoke.

  He gulped so hard his Adam’s apple bounced up and down. ‘CJ . . . Hi,’ he said finally.

  She’d imagined this moment countless times. She’d planned what she’d say, how she’d make him squirm. He deserved to squirm after what he’d done. In her fantasies, she’d sworn at him. Told him he was scum.

  But now, standing face to face with him, she didn’t feel any desire to hurt him. She didn’t have the urge to scream at him. When she looked into his eyes, all she felt was nothing.

  ‘Hi,’ she replied.

  ‘Um, how are you?’ He frowned.

  ‘I’m okay.’

  ‘That’s great. Really great.’ He smiled a tight smile.

  She didn’t ask him how he was. She didn’t care.

  He combed his fingers through his hair. ‘Did you get my letter?’

  ‘Yep.’

  ‘Good, okay.’ He cleared his throat. ‘Well, it was really good to see you again, CJ.’

  She didn’t reply.

  ‘And I mean, you know,’ he said, lacking any of the confidence or cockiness of the old Finn, ‘if you ever wanted to . . . hang out or anything some time, you’ve got my —’

  ‘I’ll never want to do that.’

  ‘Oh . . . all right.’

  The effortlessly cool, most popular kid in school wasn’t actually very cool at all when she really looked at him. As he stood there fidgeting and staring at his shoes, he looked sad and lonely and kind of pathetic.

  And instead of feeling awkward, shy, not good enough, eager to please, CJ stood tall. He hadn’t been able to break her. He’d come close, but in the end she was the one who had come out the winner.

  Picking up an apple from her basket and placing it on the conveyor belt, she turned away from him, from everything to do with him. On the walk home, she thought about how well she’d been doing in
therapy, how she never had the urge to cut anymore. She smiled to herself.

  When she reached her house, she found her mum hanging out the washing.

  ‘Mum, you know what? I think I’m ready to go to Nashville now.’

  26 NOVEMBER 2018

  A hush came over the crowd in The Bluebird Cafe. CJ tried to steady her breathing as the MC, Avery, who doubled as one of the bar staff, stood on the stage in front of her and took the mic.

  ‘Next up on open-mic night, folks,’ he drawled, ‘we’ve got a young lady, a very young lady in fact, only eighteen years old, all the way from Australia. Give it up y’all for Miss Charlotte Stone, who’s singing her original song “Love and Other Battles”.’

  The audience clapped cautiously. CJ had been here enough times now to know the drill — they clapped only out of politeness when new acts were first introduced. Singers had to prove themselves in this town before they were cheered on properly.

  Every Monday night when she hadn’t been away on her dad’s tour, she’d come here. Part of her came to check out the competition. And part of her came because it was the one place she was allowed to go to in the evenings without her dad. Who knew he’d be so strict once he was the one in charge? Her ‘mate’ from Melbourne was long gone, and Scott had transformed himself into ‘Super Serious Dad’ since she’d first set foot on Nashville soil. The only reason he let her go to The Bluebird was because his good friend Deacon was the manager there and kept an eye on her.

  But the main reason CJ came to The Bluebird every week wasn’t because she craved the alone time, it was because she loved being there. What other place would host million-record-selling artists one night and then let complete unknowns have a go the next? Where else could people attend an intimate acoustic concert by the most famous country singers in the world, and then offer to buy them a beer afterwards? It was special here.