by Linda Turner
It was eerie, unsettling, and, at times, frightening. And after years of practicing medicine, she could by now tell, without checking with a stethoscope, the second the soul left the body. In the hushed quiet, she could always hear the thundering of her own heart.
And this time was no different. For what seemed like an eternity, nobody moved or spoke or even seemed to dare to breathe. It was obvious the baby was dead, and Cindy had to know it. But she just lay there, numb, the light in her eyes gone, while Summer sat motionless at the end of the bed with the poor, lifeless baby in her hands. The only sound she heard was the roaring of her own blood in her ears.
Then, with no warning, something seemed to snap and Cindy realized what had happened. She cried out sharply, and the quiet stillness of death shattered. “No! Not my baby, dear God! Please don’t take my baby!”
Her heart breaking for her, Summer tried to explain that there’d obviously been a problem from the very beginning, which was why Cindy had had such a troubled pregnancy. They would never understand why God had chosen to take this baby, but they had to trust that He knew what He was doing.
Summer truly believed that, but Cindy, in her inconsolable grief, didn’t want explanations. She wanted her baby back and her husband, and she knew she could have neither. Brokenhearted, she sobbed in her grandmother’s arms and begged God to take her, too.
And there was nothing Summer could do to help her. Wrapping the baby in a clean sheet, she pulled out her cell phone and made the necessary calls to the proper authorities, then did what she could to make Cindy more comfortable. It wasn’t much. Nothing she could say or do would take the pain away, and in the end, all she could do after she made sure Cindy was physically all right was give her a sedative. But even as she fell asleep, tears trailed down her pale cheeks. Summer had never felt so helpless in her life.
An ambulance arrived thirty minutes later from the medical examiner’s office, and as Summer went outside to greet the EMTs, she was shocked to discover that most of the day was gone and the sun was already low in the western sky. She’d been so wrapped up in Cindy and trying to save the baby that she hadn’t even noticed the passage of time.
“This wasn’t your fault,” Sally Birdsong, Cindy’s grandmother, said quietly as she joined her outside. “You did everything you could.”
“Then why is the baby dead?”
“Because you aren’t God. Because some things are meant to be. Because we each have a destiny and this was Cindy’s.”
Ruefully, Summer had to admit that the old woman was wiser than she. And right on all counts. That didn’t, however, do much to ease the hurt that still squeezed her heart. She never liked to lose a patient, especially a baby. There was so much hope with the birth of a child. It was supposed to be a time of joy, not grief. And for Cindy, the grief was twofold. Because not only had she lost the baby, she’d also lost her last possible connection with her husband.
“I know,” she said huskily. “Sometimes, though, it’s just hard to accept the fact that we really don’t have the control over our lives that we think we do. That’s a lesson I’m still trying to learn.”
“You’re not alone,” Sally said with a crooked grin. “Go home, Summer. It’s been a long day and you’ve done all you can do here. Only time can heal Cindy now.”
Just weeks ago, Summer would have thought of her own house whenever anyone mentioned home, but things had changed drastically since her wedding day. Now when she thought of home, she thought of Gavin and Alyssa. He wasn’t her husband in the true sense of the world, and Alyssa would probably never be her little girl, but suddenly she was desperately lonely for both of them.
Just thinking about them lifted her spirits. Gavin had had the full responsibility of Alyssa all day for the first time since his daughter had been born. It had, no doubt, been an eye-opening experience for both of them.
A slow smile curling her mouth, she said, “You’re right. It’s time for me to go home. Cindy should sleep through the night, but don’t hesitate to send for me if she needs me.”
“She’ll be fine.”
Impulsively, Summer reached over and hugged the older woman. “Thank you, Sally. You don’t know how much I needed your wisdom today.”
Her emotions suddenly all over the chart, she was afraid she was going to break down if she didn’t leave immediately. Hugging Sally one last time, she turned and fled—toward home, toward Gavin and Alyssa.
The night sky was in full bloom by the time she left the reservation behind and made her way to Gavin’s house, but she never even looked at the stars as she pulled into his driveway. All her attention was directed at the house. Lit up like a Christmas tree, lights glowed from every window. She took one look at the place and felt her heart stop dead in her chest. Something had to be horribly wrong. Cutting the engine, she grabbed her purse and ran for the house.
“Gavin?” Throwing open the front door, she bolted into the house, only to find the TV playing in the family room and the entire downstairs deserted. Trying to remain calm, she told herself not to panic. Gavin had her cell phone number. If something had happened to Alyssa, he would have called her immediately. She was just tired and the slightest bit paranoid. There was nothing to worry about.
Why, then, a caustic voice in her head demanded, are there open bottles of baby food all over the kitchen counter? And look at the house. It looks like it’s been hit by a tornado. What the hell happened there that afternoon?
Her imagination supplied all sorts of catastrophic answers, terrifying her, and all she could think was that kidnappers must have come in and snatched them both. It was the only logical answer. Or something had happened to the baby. Swallowing a sob, she sprinted up the stairs and raced down the hall to Alyssa’s bedroom.
“C’mon, baby,” she heard Gavin coax tiredly. “You haven’t had a nap all day. You’ve got to be exhausted. Don’t you want to go to bed?”
Stumbling to a halt in the doorway of the baby’s room, Summer searched the room and immediately found Gavin sitting in the rocking chair with Alyssa in his arms. At the sight of the two of them, she nearly went weak in the knees with relief. Thank God, they were all right! She’d been so worried.
Gavin’s words suddenly registered, and she finally realized why the house was in such a state. Alyssa hadn’t had a nap all day and must have run Gavin ragged. Watching them together, Summer felt a tearful chuckle bubble up in her throat. She didn’t know if he realized it yet or not, but when it came to a battle of wills, he’d met his match in his one-year-old daughter. Loaded down with her bottle and her favorite blanket, he was obviously trying to rock her to sleep, but she was having none of it. Sitting straight up in his lap, she stubbornly refused to lie back and relax, and there wasn’t a heck of a lot he could do about it.
Tenderness flooded Summer’s heart. She didn’t know how they had gotten past her defenses so quickly and become so dear to her, but all she could think of was that she was blessed to have this time with them. Alyssa seemed determined to not sleep tonight, but given the chance, Cindy Little Deer would have gladly traded a few hours’ sleep for the chance to hold her baby in her arms and rock her to sleep. The next time she asked herself how her life had gotten so messed up, Summer promised herself she would remember this moment and count her blessings.
“It looks like somebody had a rough day,” she said huskily, shattering the quiet. “Can I do anything to help?”
A delighted smile bloomed on Alyssa’s baby face, and with a garbled greeting that Summer couldn’t understand, she held out her arms to her. Her heart melting, Summer went to her and scooped her up for a hug. “Hi, sweetie,” she said, kissing the top of her head as the baby cuddled close. “I thought you’d be asleep by now.”
“I think she was waiting for you,” Gavin said as he rose to his feet. Giving her his place in the rocking chair, he shook his head in disbelief when Alyssa popped her thumb into her mouth, laid her head on Summer’s shoulder, and closed her eyes with a soft, co
ntented sigh. Within minutes she was well on her way to being asleep.
“How did you do that?” he whispered incredulously. “I’ve been trying for the past hour to get her to lie back and close her eyes, but she wouldn’t budge.”
Her smile poignant, her thoughts on the baby Cindy Little Deer would never hold, Summer tightened her arms around Alyssa and would have gladly held her the rest of the night. “She still hasn’t adjusted to the move yet and losing Rachel. She just needs a woman to make her feel secure. Give her some time. She’ll come around.”
She was right, Gavin knew. And when he thought about it, he had to laugh. The little stinker. He’d spent the day running after her, playing with her and trying to keep her happy. The house was in a shambles, but they’d had a grand time—until he’d tried to put her to bed. The second Summer took her in her arms, though, she’d zonked right out.
He started to tease her about somehow bribing the baby, but just then, he caught the glint of sadness in her eyes. Frowning, he studied her through narrowed eyes. “Are you all right?” he asked quietly.
Whatever he thought he saw in her eyes was gone in a blink. Her smile too bright, she cradled Alyssa closer. “Of course. It’s just been a long day.”
She had that right. It seemed as if he’d been on the go with Alyssa since the crack of dawn, which he had, but a closer look at Summer’s closed expression told him his day must have been nothing compared to hers. He wanted to ask her about it, but not there in the baby’s room where they had to be careful to keep their voices down so they wouldn’t wake her.
“I bet you didn’t have anything to eat today, did you? While you’re putting her to bed, I’ll go downstairs and make you something hot. You look like you could use it.”
Just the thought of food turned her stomach, but before she could tell him she wasn’t hungry, he hurried out and the moment was lost. Which was just as well, she told herself as she kissed Alyssa’s dark hair. Life went on and the sooner she quit chastising herself for something that couldn’t be helped, the sooner she’d be able to let go of the hurt and put it behind her.
Holding Alyssa helped more than anything. Sound asleep in her arms, she felt wonderful cuddled against her so trustingly. And even though she wasn’t hers, she felt so blessed to have her, even if it was only for a year. Given the chance, Cindy Little Deer would have done anything to have that much time with her daughter.
That, however, wasn’t meant to be, Summer thought with a sigh, and she had to accept that nothing she could have done would have changed anything. But, Lord, it was hard. In spite of all her best efforts to shake off the loss, all she wanted to do was cry.
She didn’t, however. She didn’t dare or it might be hours before she could stop. So she stiffened her resolve and carefully rose from the rocker to lay Alyssa in her crib. The baby only sighed and stretched out into a more comfortable position. Smiling tenderly down at her, Summer waited patiently by her crib until she was sure Alyssa had drifted back into a sound sleep before she quietly walked out, shut the door behind her and headed downstairs.
In the kitchen, Gavin began dishing up a bowl of soup for her the second she appeared in the doorway. “I hope you like vegetable beef soup. It’s canned, but it’s quick, and there’s grilled-cheese sandwiches to go with it. Have a seat and I’ll get us something to drink.”
Already in the process of pulling out a chair at the breakfast table, she arched a brow in surprise. “Us? You haven’t eaten?”
“I was waiting for you,” he said simply. “And worrying too much about finding something Alyssa would eat to think about myself. Though I guess you noticed,” he said with a rueful grimace, motioning to the open jars of baby food everywhere. “Don’t worry about the mess. I’ll clean it up later.”
Summer surveyed the disaster that had once been Gavin’s neat-as-a-pin kitchen and had to laugh. “I don’t even think I want to know what went on here today. The two of you survived, and that’s all that matters. Though it looks like it might have been touch-and-go for a while.”
“It was,” he chuckled. “I love her dearly, but I never realized before how difficult it was to take care of a baby. And I know she must have been as frustrated as I was. I swear there were times that she looked at me like I was some kind of moron, then just shook her head and rolled her eyes.”
Grinning, Summer said, “And she’s only a year old. If she’s doing that at this age, can you imagine how she’ll be a sixteen?”
She laughed, then chatted about the baby as they ate, and anyone listening to her would have thought she didn’t have a care in the world. But Gavin had gotten to know her fairly well over the past few weeks, and he wasn’t buying it for a second. Biding his time, he let her talk—and noticed that she barely touched her food.
Finally, when it became apparent that she wasn’t going to eat anything, he said quietly, “Why don’t you tell me what happened at Cindy’s?”
For a long moment he didn’t think she was going to tell him. She glanced away, avoiding his gaze, and what little color there was in her face drained away. In the sudden silence that fell between them, she didn’t say a word.
If he hadn’t caught a glimpse of the tortured pain in her brown eyes, he might not have forced the issue. But something was tearing her apart, and he didn’t have to know the details to figure out that something had happened to either Cindy or the baby. And his gut clenched at the thought. He didn’t think for a moment that Summer had been negligent—she was too good a doctor for that—but even the best of doctors lost patients, and it was never an easy thing to accept. You always questioned yourself, always blamed yourself, always examined what you’d done and wondered if there was something, anything, you could have done differently that would have changed the outcome.
“Summer, whatever happened, I know it wasn’t your fault.”
Tears welled in her eyes. “How can you know that?” she choked. “You weren’t there.”
“I know you,” he said simply. “I know your reputation. You’re not careless. You don’t make mistakes. If something happened, it wasn’t because of something you did wrong but because it was meant to be. Sometimes the hardest part of being a doctor is accepting that.”
He was right, of course, but that didn’t make the hurt that squeezed her heart any less painful. All she could think of was the baby. The poor little girl had never even gotten to draw a breath.
Suddenly the pain was more than she could stand and she couldn’t keep it bottled up inside anymore. Tears overflowing her lashes, she whispered brokenly, “The b-baby w-was stillborn.”
Horrified that she was coming undone right before his eyes, she pushed back her chair abruptly and surged to her feet, her only thought to get out of there before she completely lost control. But Gavin was quicker than she, and when she turned blindly away, she turned right into his arms.
“Let me go!” she cried. “I need to get out of here.”
“Shh,” he murmured, and swept her up into his arms. Gathering her close against his chest despite her frantic struggles to break free, he strode over to the couch and sat with her in his lap, talking all the while in a soothing voice. “It’s okay, sweetheart. You don’t have to pretend it doesn’t hurt. Cry and let it out.”
Stiff as a board in his arms, she told herself that she wouldn’t do this. But Gavin’s arms were strong and sure around her, and he made her feel so safe. Her heart bruised and hurting, she felt her defenses start to crumble and there was nothing she could do to regain control. Shuddering, she buried her face against his neck and let the tears fall.
“That’s it,” he said softly, huskily. “Let it out. Cry as long as you need to. It’s okay.”
Sobbing, she couldn’t have stopped if her life had depended on it. Not when the pain she’d been trying to block out ever since she’d left Cindy’s rolled over her like a tidal wave. For what seemed an eternity, she cried—for the baby, for Cindy, for the awful feeling of helplessness that engulfed her—and all
the while, Gavin held her without a word of protest, letting her cry her eyes out until there were no tears left.
When she finally lay still in his arms, exhausted, he held her as if he would never let her go. “It’s going to be okay,” he said huskily. “Everything’s going to be okay.”
Murmuring reassurances to her, he stroked her hair and the length of her back, soothing her with a touch, a soft whisper, a gentle brush of his lips at the curve of her cheek, her mouth. And with every sweep of his hands, with every tender caress, the hurt that had closed like a fist around her heart eased ever so slightly.
Later, she couldn’t have said how long he held her after that or when the feel of his hands on her changed. His touch was still light, still gentle, but his fingers began to linger sensuously. And it felt wonderful. With a soft murmur of pleasure, she stretched under his hands, loving the feel of them on her.
Another time, alarm bells would have been ringing like a fire alarm when his fingers moved to the buttons of her blouse, and with good cause. With just a few brushes of his hands against bare skin, he lit a fire in her that quickly threatened to blaze into an inferno. And he’d barely touched her! She needed to stop him, needed to roll out of his arms and give her head time to clear, but her defenses were down, her good intentions nonexistent. And any chance she’d had of fighting off the desire he stirred in her had died the second he touched her. Already throbbing for him, all she wanted was more.
Murmuring his name, she moved against him, reaching for him. Until she’d met him, she hadn’t considered herself a sensuous person, but he’d changed her. Now she loved touching him, loved feeling the way he responded to her. If she’d gone blind at that moment, she thought she would have always known him after that by touch alone. There was something about the way his skin felt under her hands, the shape of his shoulders, the hardness of his muscles and the chiseled shape of his jaw, that struck a cord of recognition deep in her heart. With nothing but her fingertips, she skimmed her hands over his body and savored the wonder of him.
