Nighthawk's Child

by Linda Turner

  At a loss as to where to begin or how to even introduce the subject, she was still stewing about it that evening when he gave her an opening as they were doing the dishes after dinner. “I see we got an invitation to Meg Reilly and Jordan Baxter’s wedding,” he said as he wiped the counter while she loaded the dishwasher. “There was no mention of no children being allowed, but I don’t really think it would be a good idea to take Alyssa, do you? Maybe we can get Lettie to baby-sit.”

  Her heart pounding just at the idea of attending a wedding with him, she said huskily, “Actually, I don’t think I’m going to go at all.”

  Surprised, he arched a brow at her. “Why not? I know your family isn’t crazy about Jordan after all the trouble he caused your uncle, but now that he’s no longer blocking the sale of the ranch, don’t you think you should let bygones be bygones? Garrett certainly has since he’s springing for the wedding.”

  “Oh, that’s not why I’m not going,” she replied. “I really hope Meg and Jordan are very happy. I’m just not in the mood for a wedding. Not that it matters. I probably won’t be here, anyway. There’s an opening at Mercy in Salt Lake City, and I’ve been told that it’s mine if I want it. I could finish my residency with Clarence Bishop.”

  If she’d wanted to surprise him, she couldn’t have done better if she’d knocked him over the head with a hammer. He froze, totally forgetting what he was doing as he stared at her searchingly. “What are you saying?”

  Pale, her pulse pounding, she would have given anything to say she was just joking, but she couldn’t. As much as it hurt to end things, she knew she had to do it now. Because if she gave herself too much time to think, she’d never be able to do it, and then they’d all get hurt.

  Turning to face him squarely, her hands clutched in front of her in a white-knuckle grip, she said quietly, “There’s no longer any reason to continue our arrangement, Gavin. Your name’s been cleared and you have Alyssa. Rachel’s not going to challenge you for custody—she knows you’re a good father, and she has her own baby to take care of now. So there’s no longer any reason for me to stick around.”

  “But our agreement was that I’d work in your clinic for a year,” he reminded her.

  “That doesn’t have to change just because I won’t be here. You know the routine now and the patients are comfortable with you. And it’s not as if I’m going to drop off the face of the earth and leave you in the lurch with Alyssa,” she added with a bright smile that didn’t come easily. “I won’t leave until I’m sure the baby-sitting situation is taken care of. If Lettie’s agreeable, she can continue to keep her in the mornings, so we just have to find someone to watch her three afternoons a week. I could talk to Rachel, if you like. She’s busy with the new baby, of course, but she is her aunt, and she’s crazy about her. I’m sure she’d be willing to help until other arrangements can be made.”

  She had everything worked out to the smallest detail, but even as she rattled off her plan to him, she prayed he wouldn’t accept it. Ask me to stay. You don’t even have to tell me you love me. Just tell me not to go. Give me some hope, give me a reason to stay. That’s all I need. Just one reason.

  But her silent prayer fell on deaf ears, and she knew by his very silence that he wasn’t going to say a single word to change her mind. He just frowned at her, then, when she didn’t think she could stand it another second, he said stiffly, “You don’t need to call Rachel. I’ll do it. If she can’t keep her, then I’ll talk to Lettie. When are you planning to leave?”

  She really hadn’t thought that far ahead, but now she had no choice. “By the end of next week, if we have someone lined up to watch Alyssa,” she said huskily.

  “I’ll call Rachel right now.” His expression closed, he turned and walked out.

  Summer, fighting tears, watched him head for his study and tried to take comfort in the fact that she’d done the right thing. He didn’t love her—that much, at least, was obvious. If he’d cared the least bit about her he would have said something, anything, to change her mind. He hadn’t. She should have been pleased her instincts were right. Instead she’d never been more miserable in her life.

  She was leaving.

  Gavin sank into the chair behind his desk in his study and tried to remember Rachel’s phone number, but his mind was blank. He couldn’t think, couldn’t do anything but sit there and stare into space. Summer was leaving—and he felt as if she’d just pulled the rug out from under his feet.

  What’s the big deal? a voice in his head demanded. You knew she would leave eventually. Your arrangement was only for a year, for God’s sake! Okay, so she’s ending things a little early. What do you care as long as you’ve got what you want—your daughter and your name cleared? Isn’t that why you got married in the first place? You’ve accomplished what you set out to do. Let it go. Let her go.

  Common sense told him that this was for the best. But he didn’t give a flying leap about common sense right now, damn it! He didn’t want her to leave, didn’t want to lose her. Couldn’t she see that he and Alyssa needed her? That they loved her? That they—

  Suddenly realizing where his thoughts had wandered, he froze, the truth slapping him hard in the face and stealing the air right out of his lungs. He loved her! Dear God, how had that happened? When? He’d sworn after his fiasco of an affair with Patricia Winthrop, then his rebound involvement with Christina, that he was never going to let himself love another woman again. But he had never been involved with anyone like Summer before. She was generous and giving and so gentle with Alyssa. And then there were those nights they’d spent in each other’s arms making love. She’d turned him inside out with her sweet passion and stolen his heart and he’d never even realized it until now.

  When she was leaving him.

  No! he raged, suddenly furious. He couldn’t let her go, not now that he’d finally found her. He’d talk to her, tell her how he felt, explain how much he loved her, needed her, and they’d work things out. They had to. She loved him, too.

  Are you sure about that? that damning voice in his head drawled, irritating him to no end. She only told you that she loved you once, and that was after you’d just made love. How do you know that she wasn’t just caught up in the emotions of the moment? People mistake sex for love all the time. Maybe Summer did, too. Think about it. After her head cleared and she had time to think about it, she never said the L word again. I don’t know about you, but it sounds like the lady came to her senses and realized she didn’t love you, after all.

  No! he thought furiously. She did love him, damn it! He couldn’t have been mistaken about something like that, not when it came to Summer. Regardless of the circumstances, she would have never said she loved him unless she meant it.

  That didn’t mean, however, that she wanted to love him. She’d married him for only one reason—to help him—and now that she’d done that, she was obviously ready to get on with the rest of her life. And he couldn’t say he blamed her. Clarence Bishop was one of the most renowned immunologists in the country. Working with him would be the chance of a lifetime for Summer, and she was right to jump at the opportunity. This would be a real feather in her cap as far as her career went.

  He knew that and could honestly say he was happy for her. But every instinct he had urged him to ask her to stay. Just for a little while. Just until they had time to explore their feelings for each other to see if they had any chance at a future. They could turn back the clock and start over, this time as husband and wife, not business partners with their own agendas working toward the same goal. And it would work, damn it! He knew it would. All she had to do was stay.

  But he couldn’t ask her. Not after she’d already done so much for him. Time and time again, she’d done nothing but give to him, and to now ask her to give up the career opportunity of a lifetime for him would be incredibly selfish. She deserved this chance, and he loved her enough to let her have it. Even if it meant letting her go.

  But God, he didn’t
know how he was going to do it. They’d only been living together for a short time, but she’d carved a niche for herself in his life—and Alyssa’s!—and he didn’t know how he was going to live without her. Everywhere he turned in the house, there were reminders of her—her clothes hung next to his in the closet, her perfume was on his dresser, her car was next to his in the garage. She’d take her things with her, of course, when she left, but he knew it wouldn’t help. Her essence would linger, along with the memories they’d created together, and every time he turned around, he knew he’d find himself looking for her.

  And then there was his bed. What the hell was he supposed to do about that? He’d never shared it with another woman, never wanted to. In the past, when he’d needed a woman, he’d always gone to her place or to a hotel because he didn’t want anyone intruding on his space. But he’d never had a wife before, and to create the kind of image he needed to improve his reputation, he’d had no choice but to share his bed with her. And somehow, it had become theirs. He didn’t think he’d ever sleep in it again without thinking of her, aching for her, reaching for her.

  Because he loved her.

  Why had it taken him so long to realize what she meant to him? he thought, shaken. From the first time he kissed her, she’d stirred emotions in him that no woman ever had, and it had scared the hell out of him. He’d fought it and ignored it and tried to convince himself it was just sex, and all the while, he’d been falling more and more in love with her.

  He should have told her. Time and time again, opportunities had presented themselves, and he’d let them pass him by for one reason or another. He had a lousy track record when it came to women, and every time he let down his guard, he got burned. Not this time, he’d promised himself.

  Idiot! he chided himself. If he’d just told her how he felt when she’d first told him she loved him, everything would be different now. They’d have worked things out and been well on their way to a future together. He would have still wanted her to go to Salt Lake City, but he would have found a way for him and Alyssa to go with her. Instead, she was going alone and there was nothing he could say to stop her. Because if he told her how he felt now, it would sound like a weak excuse to keep her there. And he had nobody to blame but himself.

  Resigned, his heart heavy in his chest, he was left with no choice but to accept the inevitable. It was over. After everything she’d done for him, the least he could do for her was end things as quickly as possible so she could get on with her life.

  Finally remembering Rachel’s number, he reached for the phone and punched it in. The second she came on the line, he said huskily, “Rachel, this is Gavin. I need to talk to you about Alyssa. I need a baby-sitter.”

  In one week she’d be gone.

  Her heart breaking, Summer tried not to think about it as she bathed Alyssa, then sat to rock her to sleep in the old wooden rocking chair in the baby’s bedroom. But she couldn’t help herself. She had one week, seven short days to pack in a lifetime of memories of what might have been. She only had to hold Alyssa close to know that wasn’t going to be nearly enough.

  Fighting tears as she inhaled the fresh, clean baby scent of her, Summer sang to Alyssa softly, treasuring this precious time with her. She was so little. Her face lit up like a Christmas tree whenever Summer or Gavin walked into a room, and that just melted Summer’s heart. Lord, she was going to miss her! And the sad thing was, Alyssa was so young that she’d soon forget her. By this time next month, she probably wouldn’t even remember much about this time they’d had together.

  She couldn’t hold back the tears then. They welled in her eyes and spilled over her lashes, and she just wanted to bury her face in the baby’s downy-soft hair and bawl. But she heard a sound in the doorway at that moment, and she looked up to find Gavin standing there. Horrified he would see her tears, she quickly turned her head away before he could see she was crying. “She’s almost asleep.”

  “I just wanted to let you know that I talked to Rachel,” he said quietly. “She said she’d be happy to keep Alyssa for as long as I needed her to. So you can go ahead with your plans. Alyssa and I will be fine.”

  Her throat tight with tears, she nodded mutely, unable to manage a word. It was over. There was nothing left to say.

  For the next five days they kept to their regular work schedule and no mention was made of the fact that Summer was leaving in a matter of days. They took turns caring for Alyssa, cooked dinner together at night, slept in the same bed, and shared patients at the clinic during the day. And all either one of them could think of was that they were running out of time.

  His feelings locked away behind a stoic expression, Gavin tried to take comfort from the sure knowledge that he was doing the right thing. It didn’t help. He’d never been more miserable in his life.

  Still, he thought he hid it well. It wasn’t until he had to make a house call on Janet Crow that he realized he wasn’t fooling anyone, least of all the patients that he’d known all his life but had never really gotten to know and like until he’d married Summer. The older lady took one look at him and scowled. “What the hell’s the matter with you? You look awful.”

  He hadn’t cracked a smile in days but his lips twitched at that. “Gee, thanks, Janet. And here I thought I was such a big, strapping, good-looking guy. Guess I was wrong.”

  “You were not, and you know it,” she chuckled, slapping him lightly on the arm as he took her blood pressure.

  “Why, Janet,” he teased, “don’t tell me you’re actually starting to like me. I thought you hated my guts.”

  Sobering, she stared at him with black eyes that were still as sharp as a hawk’s in spite of the fact that she was seventy-five. “I never hated you,” she said gruffly. “Hate kills the spirit and damages the soul. But I admit I had little sympathy for your problems. Just as you had little sympathy for the plight of our people.”

  Gavin had to give her credit, she didn’t hold back when it came to speaking her mind. Not concerned with playing nicey-nice, she fired straight from the hip and nailed him right between the eyes. And there was little he could say in his own defense.

  He met her gaze head-on and took responsibility for his selfishness. “I was wrong,” he said huskily. “I know that now. I’m not the man I was then.”

  Still studying him, she said quietly, “Summer has been good for you. She’s brought you back to your people.”

  He didn’t deny it. “She’s a good woman.”

  “Then why are you letting her go to Salt Lake City? She belongs here, with you and Alyssa.”

  Gavin wasn’t surprised that she felt that way. Ever since the news had broken that Summer was leaving to work with a famous doctor in Utah, every patient who came into the clinic had voiced the same opinion. “We discussed it and decided this was a career move she couldn’t pass up,” he said, giving her the same standard response he’d given everyone else. “And it’s not forever. She’ll be back once her residency is completed.” They would quietly divorce before then, but that was something he had no intention of telling anyone.

  Janet, however, wasn’t easily discouraged. As a tribal elder, she took full advantage of the fact that age gave her the right to speak her mind. “Horse poop! You’re not happy about this. Why do you pretend you are?”

  “It’s Summer’s decision,” he insisted. “She has to do what’s right for her.”

  “I see. So I guess that means that you haven’t told her you love her.”

  Caught off guard, he blinked in surprise, giving himself away, before he quickly stiffened. “I’m not going to discuss my private life with you, Janet.” And not giving her time to say another word, he stuck his stethoscope in his ears and listened to her heart and lungs.

  Another woman might have taken the hint and changed the subject when he gave her a chance to talk again, but Janet was made of sterner stuff than that. Biding her time, she patiently waited for him to finish his exam. Then, the second he removed the stethoscope from
his ears, she retorted, “I haven’t asked you for any of the details of your marriage. I don’t have to. I know who you are, Gavin Nighthawk. I know the kind of man you are. You hide your feelings to protect yourself and think you’re being strong. That’s how it is done in the world you live in.”

  “And what’s wrong with that?”

  “Nothing,” she said simply. “But there are different ways of being strong, and sometimes a woman needs a man to do more than the right thing without a word of complaint. Sometimes she needs the man in her life to be strong enough to speak up and tell her what he needs and how he feels, especially when it comes to her. Because she can’t always tell what’s going on in his head. Sometimes, she just needs to hear the words.”

  What she said might have made sense—if Summer hadn’t been so anxious to end their marriage and put three states between them. Those were hardly the actions of a woman in love. “She was the one who wanted to leave,” he said stiffly. “What was I supposed to do? Stand in her way?”

  “If necessary.”

  Irritated by her persistence, he growled, “C’mon, Janet, get real! We’re talking about her career here! She’s spent years studying to get to this point—”

  “Yes, she has,” she cut in smoothly, not the least disturbed that she’d ruffled his feathers. “And her career means a lot to her. But do you really think that’s what she dreams about at night? Think about it,” she suggested softly. “She’s a sensitive, caring woman, Gavin. Ask anyone on this reservation. They’ll tell you that no one has a softer heart than Summer. Yes, her career is important to her, but not more important than love. Not more important than her love for you.”

  Glaring at her, he told himself to not listen, to not hope, but it was too late. “Did she tell you she loved me?” he asked sharply. “Did you actually hear her say the words?”

  “No,” she admitted honestly, “but I didn’t have to. I’ve seen it in her eyes every time she talked about you. I’ve heard it in her voice every time she mentioned your name. I’m not so old that I can’t remember what it’s like to be in love. Summer loves you. Why else do you think she tried to help you?”