by Amber Lynn
You have got to be kidding. Someone has really put a bug up Mom's ass. She must’ve found out about the duck. I tried to hide the dang thing, but I must not have done a good enough job. I wouldn’t doubt it if that Sebastian character has cameras around this place and showed her video proof of the event.
Me and Sebastian have never really got along. The vampire knows my mind way too well and that has been causing me grief since I moved in with Nyx. I think our brains were somehow separated at birth. With him being over a thousand years older than me that makes that notion a mad scientist’s wet dream. I hope I am not giving any ideas to people that shouldn’t be allowed to have ideas.
I should be thankful during my punishment that I have Jake babysitting me and not Jonas or one of the vamps. Will is the only semi-cool vampire in our mix and that is because he was a human less than a year ago. The rest have some superiority complex when it comes to hanging out with me. Funny, the feeling is mutual.
Jake has spent enough time with me that we can almost communicate, but he doesn’t always interpret things correctly and I have been known to let out my explosive bark when he gets cold on his assumptions.
“Do you ever wish you could turn into a human like the rest of us?” Jake asks as I take care of business on the side of a building. I wonder if he has noticed we are out for a walk and I am not wearing my leash. That is usually bad news in Nyx’s book.
Mom tends to hint that Jake is missing a few screws in the ol’ noggin and with a question like that, I have to agree. I am usually spoiled and pampered and he thinks I would want to turn humanoid and have to do everything for myself? What a nutter.
I make sure he is looking at me and shake my head as emphatically as I can. It makes my head spin a little, but I think I get the point across.
“Yeah, I guess you like being a kept dog. Do you want to go for a run? It will keep us busy until she lifts the ban.”
It is something to do and I love embarrassing the cocky wolf. You’d think he’d tire of eating my dust, but so far he is a source of amusement for me at least once a week.
I give a quick nod and etch a line in the ground with one of my toenails. It’s not the straightest line in the world, but it will do for our purposes. I take my position and wait for the slow poke to change and get ready.
I don’t care if they say it doesn’t hurt; watching them change from humanoid into canine makes me cringe. The organs moving and bones shifting just creeps me out.
Jake takes his place and I pound my paw on the ground three times and then take off. In this form, neither of us can hear what the other is saying or thinking, so I enter my zone and make a path. We didn’t discuss where we were racing to, so I guess we just run until we drop. Good times.
Chapter 3
A demonic visit
I am back in my room now and working to find an alternative way to keep connected to the Internet even when Mother thinks I need my cord cut. My ban has been lifted and I am working all my search engines at once to find a good solution.
In case you are wondering, Jake is off licking his wounds and panting like a baby in some corner of the house. Someone fed the boy a little extra protein today and he was getting a little too close to my heels, so I may have let out a quick bark to turn him humanoid again.
No one said I play fair.
Back on the computer, I bookmark a few different links to visit later. I want to make sure the warning gets in place before Nyx decides my time is up. I am going to need to order her a cannon or something to get back on her good side. She is always whining about wanting one.
I open my email to find seven new emails. I pick the one from the sender with the stupidest name and figure that is the lawyer’s. My assumption is proven right and I start reading through a bunch of legal mumbo jumbo.
It has to be so boring to sit around and come up with this stuff. I skim through the words that only make sense to two people on this planet and find the pertinent text I need. A little copy and paste followed by a file upload and I am legal.
Time to get back to the more important emails in the mix, one with the subject line “Clyde you are my only hope” caught my eye. The emails all tend to have that feel to them, but rarely ever do people come right out and plead for my help.
That doesn’t make my already super-sized head any bigger at all.
Dear Clyde,
I just want to say I am a big fan. Your advice has helped me so much in the past just from reading what you have told others. Seeing how nice you are to everyone made me feel safe enough to write to you for help. I am a human and I am planning to stay that way, but I am afraid my boyfriend is turning into a werewolf. I don’t know if he was bit sometime recently or if he has always been that way, but lately he stays out all hours of the night and comes home covered in dirt. You have said you live with werewolves, so I figured you were an expert on the subject.
What should I do?
Confused in a cornfield
Oh man. This chick lives in some alternate universe. I have heard of crop circles supposedly from aliens showing up in cornfields and I am now a firm believer that this lady was abducted at some point and her brains were sucked out of her melon.
She claims to be a fan so I have to think of a way to reply as gently as possible. I don’t want to lose a fan, but I have to set her straight.
Dear Confused,
I am sorry to hear that the anal probe has caused your brain to fire only half of its neurons. My first suggestion to you is to visit a doctor and see if they can’t get it removed. With that recommendation, I advise you to stay out of any cornfields for the next few years.
As far as your boyfriend goes, the dude is cheating on you and you need to throw him to the curb. You can follow him and check to see if he has picked up a spare job to try to buy you a diamond ring, but my money is on him chasing tail.
Humans don’t turn into werewolves. It is impossible and most werewolves won’t stick their jimmies into human caves. There are a select few that do, but unless your boyfriend’s name is Jake, you are probably out of luck. Even if it is Jake, I suggest you throw the jerk to the curb.
Go out and find yourself another alien abductee and procreate with them. I am sure that was what the aliens were hoping would happen anyway.
Clyde
There that doesn’t sound too harsh, but yet gives her great advice. I didn’t even tell her to kill the cheating jerk. I should print and frame the webpage for Mom, but I am sure she has already seen it thanks to Sebastian the Stupid.
I glance over my words again just to make sure it gets the point across and then hit save to publish the new post. I am sure there are some other people that need my help, but I saw an email from my buddy Ben and that is the next priority in my mind.
Ben is a reaper demon and as I mentioned earlier, he was my original owner. Mom doesn’t like him that much and I don’t really get it. Sometimes I think they have a little sexual tension going on between them and if I could find a room to lock them in together, they would come out a lot happier.
However, I would probably be skewered and roasted on a pit if she continued to insist on dodging their happiness. I don’t even want to think about what Sebastian would do. He would probably just find a way to kill me and make it look like an accident.
Ben’s email just says he is on his way. It was sent ten minutes ago, so I am surprised he hasn’t appeared yet. Nyx doesn’t know that Ben likes to come for visits. We have worked it out that he just pops into my room and then I type out answers to fill him in on the events going on around the place.
There have been a couple of times in the past where he has missed key events in Nyx’s life and he is such a weirdo that he doesn’t want it to happen again. For a demon he is a weenie when it comes to dealing with Mom.
The smell of burning flesh hits my nose and I know he has arrived. It is an appealing scent to my nose, but I bet most wouldn't welcome it. If you have spent enough time in Hell, it smells like home.
<
br /> “Hey, Buddy. Have you been staying out of trouble?” Ben asks as he conjures up a chair to sit on.
Out of everyone I deal with on a consistent basis, you would think Ben would have figured out a way for us to talk without me typing on the computer. He must be too busy corrupting the innocent.
A little bit of advice, don’t call Mom fat, or even hint that she is packing on the pounds. She would probably kill you without blinking an eye.
“That advice works for any woman, Clyde. Other than that is she doing well? She still isn’t talking to me and I am starting to let that get to me. Has she mentioned me lately?”
This is how most of our secret meetings go. He may try to act like he is all cool around Nyx, but I know he is hoping to at least convince her to be his close friend. His class of demons has some strange need to be liked. I guess it stems from it making a reaper demon’s life a lot easier if they are able to get on your good side.
Maybe we can go in halfsies on a cannon. Do you happen to know any arms’ dealers that could make us a good deal?
“Do you think it will help my case? I can get a really nice one if it will. Are there any other weapons she would like?” He is rubbing his hands together apparently loving the idea of using a bribe.
I know Mom is now only pretending to still really be pissed at the demon. He has never been her favorite person. Why, I have never been sure. He is a lot cooler than either of the two doofuses she calls mate. Those two idiots keep stuff from her all the time, but when Ben did, for her own good, she gets all pissy like someone ate the last pound of bacon and made no plans to restock the fridge.
You know how she is about artillery; the boys just have to whisper machete in her ear and she starts purring like a kitten.
“I have noticed that about her. I will find her the perfect item and put both of our names on the card. I take it her health hasn’t changed since I last made attempts to speak with her. “
Other than the added weight, things seem fine. I can’t tell any difference with her mood since she is always pretty bitchy.
Something I never thought would happen occurs and it leaves my ears ringing a tad. Ben just smacked me upside the head. Evidently hearing the truth about his potential baby mama is too much for the demon.
“Nyx is a goddess and should be talked about as such, you little rascal. I have been summoned by my leader, so it may be a few days before I can stop by for a chat. I hope I can still rely on you to keep her safe in my absence.”
It has been my job from the day she brought me home. I am still surprised all the guys involved haven’t just held Nyx down and wrapped her in Kevlar and bubble wrap. She does a decent job of not getting herself injured, but she is still required to have guards with her at all times outside of the compound.
She is my master, so of course I am all over the protecting her gig. The next time you visit, could you bring me some of those broiled hearts you make? I cannot convince anyone around here to buy some for me.
“I will see what I can do. It has been a while since the last time I have enjoyed one myself. I have tried to keep a more normal diet in hopes that I will be spending more time here where Hell’s delicacies aren’t available.” He seems to be done with the conversation, so he pops out of the room.
Normal to who, Nyx? What a sap. He was so much cooler before he met her. She has that effect on people.
Chapter 4
Really sage ideas
With the demon gone, I can get back to checking email. A couple of spam messages somehow made it through. I am going to have to make some adjustments to my filter. I have gotten some really interesting messages that I really wanted to believe were true, but learned quickly they were not. Because of that, I have put together a long list of search terms to keep out of my inbox. I really hate being disappointed.
The other emails look to be standard pleas for my advice. Half of them I have more or less already answered. The lazy humans don’t even realize their question is the same as Billie Jo’s that I answered last week. It is funny because I can see that some of the email addresses actually posted comments to the posts that answer the same question.
Humans perplex me most days. I have dealt with a few of them in person thanks to Nyx and for the most part, they seem just like paranorms. They can’t do any cool tricks, but basic cognitive functions seem to be the same.
I haven’t found any paranorms writing in to ask me for advice, though. I don’t know if they are just better at handling their own business or what, but I like to think somewhere deep down in their noggins they have just a smidgen more common sense.
I am not really in the mood to deal with the advice emails right now, so that means it is time for one of my favorite segments, Real Time Advice with Clyde. That is when I write about a topic that bugs me and give my advice on how the problem can be solved.
Today’s topic: Babies.
I am sure this will be a somewhat controversial topic for all the moms out there, but it is something that has been on my mind lately and needs to be addressed. Daily, I hear about the miniature beings from my circle of peeps and I am so over hearing about the little creatures. Also in this post, let’s see how handy my thesaurus can be when I say the same thing in the same sentence using synonyms. Our current count is one instance.
I have to start with a little disclaimer that I have never met a baby, but the way the grown-up humanoids’ minds turn to mush when they start talking about them makes me believe they should be abolished.
Some may take a moment to point out that I, myself, was very likely once considered a baby. I would counter that I doubt anyone topside would be able to furnish sufficient proof of the event occurring, so we are just going to pretend I magically appeared as a mostly adult Hellhound right out of the gate.
Face it, I was three feet tall by the time I was three months old. There is nothing baby or puppy about that fact. Plus, my brain was functioning just fine the second I debuted in this world. I don’t think that is something you can for sure say about the humanoid regular version of children.
So, back to the topic at hand, I have seen strong men, both physically and mentally, brought to their knees thinking about babies lately and it is getting pathetic. To stop the epidemic, we need to kill it at the source. I am not talking about going on a baby killing murder spree, so put down the phone. You don’t know where I really live anyway and sending cops to my building would probably not turn out too well for them.
We need to either find a way to make the little snot gatherers age once they pop out or just stick to cloning. I think having a scientist create and raise your baby is probably the best bet to keep the emotional explosion from even starting. The kid/adult will still be your child, but you can just skip over the annoying parts, like potty training and staying up all night with a wailing kid.
I think that is a win-win for everyone, isn’t it? You can ensure your line will live on long after you have turned to dust and you don’t have to worry about diaper changes. If there are any scientists out there pursuing this course of action, you know how to reach me. I have tons of ideas on how we could make this a reality.
That’s all I have to say on the topic for now. Make sure to state your opinion in the comment section below.
Clyde
P.S. Mom, I am sure my little sister will be awesome.
That is sure to get some replies. Sometimes I like to post things just for their shock factor. I am sure I won’t really have a problem once I meet a baby. I just hope the kid looks good because I have never been great about those awkward “she’s so cute” moments. I don’t think I would be able to lie and I’d probably tell the parent my butt was better looking than their kid.
We have a few more hours before I will be calling it a day, so I need to come up with something fun to let you dive even deeper into my world. My days used to be action packed, but Mom’s business has slowed down a little because the dorky mates want to make sure she is getting plenty of rest and not overworki
ng herself.
Why she hasn’t just killed both of them is still a mystery to me. I guess there is the small possibility that she could die as well, but some days I think it might be worth the chance. With her not going into the office every day, and working more at home, things can get a little dull.
I love the crime fighting aspect of what she does, but the mandate for no hazardous cases went out and we are stuck rescuing kittens from trees. Not really, but you get the idea. Just for added information, a kitty in a tree sounds like lunch to me.
I should probably go make nice with Nyx anyway. We are moving in a few days and she doesn’t know it yet. The guys, mainly Alex, have been working like mad to refurbish this humongous house he has on the outskirts of town. If you ask me, it is about time. This apartment is cool, but is a little small with all the hulking guys that live here. I am able to have my own space, but if they find any more guards, I am going to be back on the couch.
That is not an acceptable option.
I turn on my login screen, which apparently does no good since Sebastian can just tunnel in, and then hop down to go find Nyx. Yes, we are going to start another section that happens and then I come back and type like it is happening right then. I enjoyed it so much the first time that I thought a repeat was in order.
Nyx is most likely sitting at her desk plotting someone’s demise. I think about five hours out of her day is devoted to that task. I like to believe I am the target of those thoughts only a third of the time. I guess it really just depends on the day.
Surprisingly, her desk is vacant. Will and Marcus are hanging out in the living room, though, so they should be able to direct me on where to find my missing mistress. It’d be easier if I could just ask them, but life is never that simple.
I settle my rump onto the floor in front of them and stare menacingly so they know I want something. You would be shocked to learn how long it took me to teach them that trick.
“You hungry again, Clyde?” Marcus asks noticing me right away. He is pretty good at this game.
