I knew better than that.
The moment the plane rolled to a stop and the pilot opened the cabin door I was down the stairs. I sucked in a breath of air and readied myself to face my future – alone.
Suddenly there was a hand on the small of my back. “Come on, let’s get you to a doctor to check you out then I’ll get you home.”
“That’s not necessary. I’ll be fine,” I returned.
All I wanted was to be left alone.
“I’m sure you would be fine, but I’ll make sure of it.”
“Why are you doing this?” I stopped walking and turned to him.
“You saved my best friend’s life,” Clark said and put his hand up to stop me from speaking. “And because I respect the hell out of you. You’re one hell of an operator and a tough chick.”
“Thank you. I don’t want to cause issues on your team. You should get back on the plane and go home with them.”
I appreciated the gesture, but Levi would be upset if Clark came with me. He already looked like he was ready to kill him on the plane when he was looking at my shoulder.
“Let me tell you a little secret about myself. I don’t give a fuck. And Levi would be pissed at me if I didn’t take care of his woman. You know what he’s on that plane doing right now?” Clark asked.
“No.”
“He is costing the American taxpayers a mint by tearing that cabin apart trying to get to you. When I left, Jasper was locking his ass down, and it wasn’t pretty. Someone is gonna have to explain to Emily why her man’s face is busted up, and I’m happy that person will not be me.”
I didn’t know who this Emily person was, but by the sound of it, she was Jasper’s wife or girlfriend. As much as I wanted to say no, I needed the help. My shoulder hurt so damn bad I could barely breathe.
“Thank you.” I swayed on my feet, and Clark steadied me. “I think I need to hurry. I feel like I might pass out.”
Clark scooped me up into his arms and started walking toward the hangar. “You know he loves you right?”
“He never came. I waited, but he didn’t want me bad enough to fight.”
Chapter Fifteen
Levi
I was in a hell of my own making. I had fucked everything up. Why hadn’t I listened to Blake? She was right; I assumed the worst of her that day. I allowed my hatred for Alister and what he’d done to my family to cloud my judgment. I knew better than to think that Blake would betray me. She had always been the best part of me. She was honest and open. Even now, she hadn’t let her job close her off to the world. She was still full of light and goodness.
I had been pacing my bedroom for what felt like hours staring at a box that I knew held all the answers. The truth of my past. Not that I needed any proof. I believed Blake when she told me what had happened between her and Alister that day. No, the contents of the box were my punishment; my old phone with all the unread text messages and digital recordings of the voicemails that I never listened to, all the unopened letters she had written me, along with old pictures of us, were sitting in that box waiting for me to face what I had done.
Fuck it! It was time for my reckoning. I could never fix things with Blake if I didn’t know the extent of the pain I had caused. This was on me. I had spent years hating the wrong person. She had done nothing wrong; I was the one that had betrayed her.
I opened the box and rummaged through it until I found my old phone and charger. Once I plugged it in, I waited until it had enough power to turn on. Part of me had hoped it was fucked-off and wouldn’t turn on, so I didn’t have to hear her sweet voice. When the screen came to life, I braced myself for the onslaught of emotions.
I pulled up the first recording and hit play. Alister’s voice filled the room. He was offering her a letter of recommendation to a writing camp she had wanted to attend along with an internship at his paper. Blake’s voice was skeptical but pleasant. When she thanked him for the offer but turned him down, he switched tactics and offered her money as well. All she had to do was convince me to go to college. She politely turned him down again. Alister then threatened her that he would send pictures of her to message boards and social media sites if she didn’t go along, telling her she was already trash and that after the pictures were out, she’d never get into college. She begged him not to do it and told him she would take the money and leave me. She played it off well; she sounded scared as she cried and negotiated with him. I remembered hearing this part of the conversation.
My weekly Army DEP meeting had ended early, and I had rushed home to shower and change so I could go see Blake. When I pulled up to the house, I was excited she was there waiting for me. When I walked in, I heard voices in Alister’s study. I stood outside the door and listened to Blake talking to Alister about paying off her parent’s house, and he would transfer the money after she had convinced me to go to college. She promised him she’d never see me again. Thinking back, I remembered she was crying. In my anger, her tears hadn’t registered. I was so mad I stomped to the front door, making sure I’d slammed it as loud as possible so they’d hear.
Shame washed over me. Why hadn’t I stayed? All I had to do was go into the study and confront Alister. Instead, I ran like a coward.
I moved on to the next recording. Blake was crying, begging me to meet her at our spot. She was already there waiting for me.
The next was her asking me where I was, that she wanted to ask me what she should do with the recording she had made, explaining she had sent it to me and emailed it to herself so if Alister tried to get her phone, it was multiple places.
I chuckled to myself. Even at eighteen, Blake was already every bit super sleuth reporter.
From then on, each message got more and more desperate, asking where I was. With each message the panic grew in her voice, begging me to listen to the recording.
She filled my voicemail box, twenty messages in all before my phone would no longer accept more. I scrolled through the text messages. They were the same as the voicemails. She was scared, wanted to know where I was, how much she loved me, that I had to hear her out. Over and over she asked me to listen to her.
By the time I had sorted through the letters, putting them in chronological order, I was spent, completely and totally raw. When I stared at her pretty handwriting on the envelope, my heart filled with dread. There was no way I’d ever be able to fix this. How would she ever forgive me for the heartache I had caused?
I gently tore open the envelope, not wanting to destroy what was most likely the last words I’d ever have from her.
Dear Levi,
You left! I don’t know if Sergeant Williams told you, but I went down to the recruit station and begged for him to tell me when your flight was so I could say goodbye. But, he wouldn’t tell me. I wanted to see you so bad before you left.
I miss you!
Have you listened to the voicemails I left? Please listen to them; they explain everything. I know you heard what I said to Alister. It wasn’t what you thought. I promise! You know I would never lie to you. The voicemail explains everything. I’m sorry you heard what you did, I know it sounded bad. I don’t blame you for leaving the house. But I swear to you, I would never leave you. I love you, Levi.
I’m still planning on moving wherever you’re stationed. I haven’t accepted any offers for college in the fall. My parents agree I should wait until we’re settled and do some community college classes and reapply to local schools next year. Does that work for you? I can pick up a part-time job, too. We’ll make it work.
There’s not a day that goes by that I don’t think about you and miss you. I love you so much! Please write me back soon. Mom and Dad wanted me to tell you that they miss you, too, and are proud of you. I am, too. I hope you’re doing well.
Please write me back soon,
Yours forever,
Blake
There were no words for how big of a dick I was. Even after I had left her without a goodbye, she still planned on following me.
I couldn’t believe she held off her first year of college for me, for us. My self-disgust knew no bounds.
I spent the rest of the night reading every word of every letter. Her final words to me were like a knife in my chest.
Dear Levi,
I suppose this will be my last letter to you. With basic graduation next week and you leaving for AIT, I will no longer have a way to contact you.
I’m truly sorry that in my haste and foolish plan I lost you. I was stupid to think I could go against Alister Bench and come out a winner. If nothing else, I hope you believe that I never did take a dime of his money.
You have made it clear that you no longer want me to be a part of your life. As hard as it is, I will respect your wishes. I want you to know that I loved every minute we were together. Over the last two years, you have taught me so much about myself. I was a shy, lonely girl when you first found me on the tailgate of Lynn’s pickup truck in the parking lot of the Tastee-Freez. Because of you, I’m now a confident, strong young woman. Thank you for teaching me to believe in myself. I will forever be grateful you loved me.
I’m so proud you followed your heart. I know you were meant for great things and you will serve with commitment and honor. I’m only sorry I will not be by your side to watch.
I hope you find all the happiness you deserve.
Good Luck,
Blake
Fuck! I had to fix this. I grabbed my cell off my nightstand, uncaring it might be too late to call.
“I need her address,” I told Clark when he answered.
Chapter Sixteen
Blake
The first letter came about a week after I got home from Oman. It sat on my kitchen table for another few days like a snake threatening to strike each time I walked by it. When I added the second, then the third, to the pile, I wondered if I should open them. By the time I had five they had started to come every day. Why was he doing this now? I had finally made peace with the knowledge that I was never meant to be with Levi. Now he was torturing me. Five letters sat on my table, and I was thankful it was Sunday, and a new one wouldn’t be delivered.
My phone chimed, and I checked the notifications, smiling when I saw it was from Clark.
Clark: How’s the boo-boo, Rambo?
Me: Ass! The stitches are itchy, leaving me to wonder why the medic didn’t just glue me up instead of giving me a zipper.
Clark: Wanted it to look pretty for you. Glue would’ve scarred worse.
Me: Here I thought it was because you missed your sewing circle with the old bittys.
Clark: They stopped inviting me when they needed to double up on their blood pressure meds because I’m super-hot.
I threw my head back and laughed.
Me: In your dreams. The incision is great. No infection. Thanks again.
Clark: Good, then you’re ready for an op.
I wished! I still wasn’t cleared for field work, so I had been stuck behind a desk.
Me: Desk duty another two weeks.
Clark: You misunderstood. I wasn’t asking *if* you were ready. I’m telling you that you’re on an op. You leave tomorrow.
Me: WTF. I didn’t get orders. Wait, how do you know that?
Clark: You’ll have all the intel within the hour. See you soon.
Me: Explain.
Clark: Unsecured. Out.
Me: Copy that.
What just happened? I looked at the letters and wondered if Levi had sent me mission orders. That was a silly notion that the CIA or Army would use snail mail, but it sounded like a good excuse to use to open the envelopes. I could lie to myself and pretend I had to open them up for work. I was getting better at that these days. Each day I woke up and told myself a lie. Everything was fine. I didn’t miss him. I was over him. I was better off without him. I didn’t love him.
I figured for now if that was what I needed to get through my day, I was going to give it to myself. I would fake it until I made it. That was the saying, right? One day this pain would dull. It had once before.
I swiped the letters off the table and walked to the couch, contemplating if I should switch out my coffee for whiskey. Depending on what these letters said, I might need something stiff.
I stared at the envelope, hoping that it would be a clue as to its contents. The perfect sharp penmanship gave nothing away.
I opened it and pulled out the lined loose-leaf paper.
My Sweet Blake,
It has taken me entirely too long to answer your letters. I saved every one you wrote me while I was in basic. I’m ashamed to say, I only opened them tonight. I’ve read every one of them. As a matter of fact, I have every love note you ever wrote me, every photo, most of the movie ticket stubs, lots of things that seem insignificant individually, but all together they tell the story of us.
I’ve kept them with me all these years. I hadn’t opened the box in years, but I felt some measure of peace knowing I had a part of us with me.
First – I’m sorry for a lot of things. Most of all I’m sorry I didn’t trust in us - in you. I let my self-doubt that I wasn’t good enough for you, along with my anger toward Alister, rule my emotions. If I had thought about what I was doing, I would’ve known that you could never betray me, or anyone for that matter. It is not in your nature to be underhanded or deceitful. My actions hurt you, and I apologize for that.
I listened to your voice messages and read your text messages. (I saved my old phone as well.) I need you to understand; I didn’t listen to those messages because I needed proof or I didn’t believe you. I listened because I deserved all the pain it caused me when I heard the anguish in your voice. Hearing you cry, knowing I had done that to you, was like a thousand shards of glass slicing my heart.
I have done many things in my life I’m not proud of, some I’m deeply ashamed of, but none of them come close to the mortification I feel at this moment. The pain I have caused you is abhorrent and unforgivable. I understand that now. I understand the gravity of my actions and how they altered both of our lives.
We should’ve been celebrating wedding anniversaries and the births of our children. Instead, I’ve spent those years mourning the loss of a love I tossed away.
Thank you for your letters while I was in basic. I may not have opened them, but they helped me. Knowing that there was one person back home that thought of me got me through some hard times, even when I didn’t deserve it.
I love you, Blake.
I’ve loved you since the day I finally got up the nerve to talk to you that night at the Tastee-Freez. But you have to know, I loved the thought of you long before then. I don’t think I ever told you this, but the first day of freshman year when I saw you walk in English class, I nearly fell out of my seat. I asked you if I could borrow a pen. (I had plenty.) However, I had to know if the sound of your voice was as sweet as your smile. When it was, when the sweet melody hit my soul, I knew you were too good for me. I spent the next two years watching you, wishing I could have you.
I didn’t get to tell you before you left but I’m so damn proud of the woman you grew up to be. You’re brave and tough, and I hate to sound like a douche here, but hot as hell when you’re in the field taking care of business. You’re one hell of an agent with good instincts.
Please be safe out there, Blake, and if you ever need someone to have your back I’m here – no strings, no questions asked. I will not push you for more, but if there is ever a time you think you can forgive me – I’ll be waiting.
Yours forever,
-L
By the time I was done reading his letter I didn’t know what to do. I held four more letters in my hand, and I was afraid to open them. What if in the next letter he took back everything he had said. Wasn’t this everything I had wanted? It was times like this I wish I had a friend. I worked in a department with all men. We were co-workers, not going-out buddies. I was friendly with some of the wives, but not close enough to spill my guts to about boy problems.
There was only on
e person I could talk to.
Me: Can I call you?
Chapter Seventeen
Levi
It had been two weeks since I started writing Blake. A letter a day, just like she did when I was in basic. Each day I pulled out a new letter and answered any of the questions she had asked. Some were simple like how was the food or what kind of room did I bunk in. Other times she asked questions like did I still love her or how could I have left her so easily. Those were harder to answer – but I did, with complete honesty and vulnerability. She deserved to know the truth, even if it hurt to tell her.
She had not answered a single letter, not that I expected her to. I had a lot to make up for.
“Did you come up with anything?” Jasper asked.
“Huh?”
“Where the hell did you just go?” Clark laughed.
“Sorry. What did you ask?” Clark ignored me and pulled his phone out of his pocket and smiled. He’d been doing that a lot lately.
“I gotta take this call, be right back.” He put his phone up to his ear and walked out of the office.
“Did you find anything on the oil company?” Jasper elaborated.
There had been chatter about an INCONUS terror plot, and an oil company name had been mentioned as well. We were trying to see if there was a link between the two.
“Yeah, it’s back at the hangar. I think I found a loose connection,” I told him.
Clark came back into the room with a broad smile on his face. “The commander needs us at the hangar.”
“And that is cause for a smile?” I asked.
“Sure. I’m a bright and sunny kinda guy. What can I say?”
Lenox nearly spit his soda out while Jasper and I couldn’t hold back the laughter.
“Holy shit, that was hilarious. Bright and sunny? What the hell? You been stashin’ a woman at your place? You’ve been in a good mood these last few weeks, you getting’ laid?” Jasper laughed.
Come to think of it, he had been in a good mood, and there has been a bunch of text messaging going on.
Finally Free (Levi): A Black Ops Romance (The 707 Freedom Series Book 3) Page 9
