by Alex Sanchez
He waited for his parents to respond. His dad gave a disappointed grunt and returned to his paper. His mom let out a long, wistful sigh. After finishing his eggs and sausage, Sergio rinsed his plate, shoved it into the dishwasher, and returned to his room.
When Kimiko came over that afternoon, he griped to her about the conversation. “I wish I was still going out with Lance just to make my point.”
“Are you going to call him?” she asked.
“He dumped me, remember?” Sergio lifted Elton out of his cage and began to play with him on the carpet while Kimiko put on some music.
“But he dumped you,” she reminded Sergio, “because you didn’t want to be a couple. I bet he’d take you back if you changed your mind.”
Sergio thought about that for a moment. “He probably would’ve dumped me anyway. I knew he was going to.”
“You know the other day in history class,” Kimiko countered, “we talked about a ‘self-fulfilling prophecy.’ That’s when you believe something is going to happen, and so you end up making it happen. It made me think about you and Lance.”
“Huh?” Sergio asked as she plopped down onto the carpet beside him. “Why?”
“Because you were so worried about being dumped, you set it up so Lance would dump you.”
“Thanks, Freud-ette. How much do I owe you?”
“Dude,” Kimiko insisted, “you need to get over your fear of being dumped. Lance isn’t Zelda.”
“Maybe I’ll just stick with Elton,” Sergio said, picking him up and nuzzling him. “You’ll never dump me, will you, boy?”
Elton sniffed him as if actually understanding. Then he responded by pooping out three hard little brown turds.
Kimiko giggled uproariously and grabbed a tissue to pick up the mess. Sergio didn’t find it quite so funny.
A little before midnight Saturday, Kimiko returned home. Her mom and dad were waiting up as usual, watching TV.
“I’m home,” Kimiko said.
In the past, her mom would’ve asked if Kimiko had eaten dinner and prepared her a bedtime snack. Tonight her mom wordlessly stood up from the TV, padded upstairs to her room, and closed the door.
“How much longer is she going to be this way?” Kimiko asked her dad.
“Give her time,” he replied.
Ever since Kimiko had come out, her mom had barely even acknowledged her, no longer correcting how Kimiko sat or harping about her short hair. At the dinner table, she pretended as if Kimiko weren’t even there.
At first Kimiko had told herself she didn’t care. It was a relief to no longer be constantly criticized, and she figured her mom would get over brooding after a few days, as she always had in the past. But as the days became a week and the sulking continued, Kimiko began to worry: Would it ever end?
“It’s making me crazy,” she told Sergio and Serena during lunch one day.
“She probably needs time to adjust,” Serena said.
“Adjust to what?” Kimiko swirled her french fry in ketchup. “I’m the same person I was before. . . . I should’ve just kept my mouth shut.”
“You are getting crazy!” Sergio said. “Are you forgetting how miserable you were in the closet?”
“I’m still miserable,” Kimiko said.
“Because of your mom?” Sergio asked and grinned slyly. “Or because of Allie?”
Kimiko scowled across the table at him. Coming out had temporarily taken her mind off of Allie. But now that the initial excitement had settled down, she found herself once more thinking about Allie and wondering: Was Allie thinking of her?
Since the last time she’d been with Kimiko, Allie had picked up the phone to call her nearly a million times. She thought about her every day, trying to sort out how she felt, debating what to do, wondering what their kiss meant. So many questions swirled around her mind.
Did the kiss prove she was bi? Or gay? Or straight but curious? What was she? Who was she? And what did it mean in terms of Kimiko?
Even though they’d agreed to just be friends, did she want to try to pursue Kimiko as more than a friend? And what should she do about Chip? She wanted to come to some sort of resolution about their relationship.
Should she let him know she thought she might be bi? Given his reaction to the Girl Panic manga and her sex dream, he probably wouldn’t be hugely surprised. But what if he told other people at school? She wasn’t ready for that. What she really wanted was to tell him that their relationship was over—but she knew he wouldn’t want to break up.
And how would their breakup affect their group? Although it wouldn’t change anything with Lance, it might be awkward with everybody else. Nevertheless, she had to do something.
“Can I talk to you after school?” she asked Chip at the end of lunch one day.
“Huh? Sure.” He grinned from ear to ear as if hoping she were going to say their break was over and she wanted to get back together.
“Can you wait for me while I talk to him?” she asked Lance.
“Of course,” he replied. “Good luck with it.”
When she arrived at her locker after last period, Chip was already there waiting for her.
“Want to go talk in my car?” he asked and insisted on carrying her backpack. Everything he did—opening the car door for her, flipping down the visor for shade—made her feel guiltier than ever. Why did he have to be so nice?
“I’ve missed you,” he said from across the car. “Even though we see each other every day, it hasn’t been the same.”
“I’m sorry,” she said and tried to organize her thoughts.
“That’s okay.” He rested a hand on her shoulder. “So, what’s going on?”
“I thought we should talk,” she said. “About us . . . About me.”
“Okay.” He nodded for her to go on.
She took a breath. “I think maybe . . .” she shifted uncomfortably in her seat, “. . . I’m bisexual.”
His face showed no surprise. “Yeah, I figured that . . . since—you know—stuff you said. . . . It’s cool.” He ran his fingertips through her curls. “I can work with that. We can still be together.”
What did he mean? She recalled Kimiko telling her about Edna Saint Vincent Millay and her husband. “You mean like an open relationship?”
“Yeah.” He nodded, expressionless. “If that’s what you want.”
“No, I don’t want that.” She pulled her head away from his hand. “Besides, I’m not sure yet that I am bi. I need to explore first if that’s really who I am. I’m not ready to tell other people or anything. I only wanted to tell you.”
“Well . . .” He kept his eyes on her. “Like I said before: I’ll wait for you . . . till you decide.”
The pain she heard in his voice made her stomach hurt.
“No,” she insisted. “That’s not fair to you. I don’t want you to wait for me. I think you should explore other options.”
“I don’t want to explore other options.” He gave his head a forceful shake. His eyes made it clear that he needed and wanted her. “I love you.”
“Look, I’m sorry. I really am.” She gently took hold of his hand. “But it’s just not going to work out between us.”
His face didn’t register that he understood, until slowly his eyes began to brim with tears. She wanted to cry too. But that would only make the breakup harder.
“I’m really sorry,” she repeated and gave his hand a squeeze. Before he could say anything else, she opened the door and climbed from the car. While crossing the parking lot she texted Lance: Where r u?
He replied right away and she met him at his car. The instant she closed the door behind her, she erupted into tears.
“I feel so sad.” She sobbed and wiped her eyes with a tissue. “But it’s a relief, too.” As Lance drove her home, he listened while she cried. And when they got to her house, he went inside, staying with her until her tears subsided. “At least I feel free now,” she told him.
“You mean as in free to call
Kimiko?” Lance asked, patting her shoulder.
That wasn’t exactly what she’d meant, but it was part of it. Later that evening, alone in her room, she pulled out her phone.
Kimiko was in the middle of dinner when her cell vibrated in her jeans pocket. Upon sliding it out and seeing Allie’s name, Kimiko’s heart began to race like crazy. She wanted to answer, but her family had a rule of no dinnertime calls. She didn’t want to give her mom any cause for more anger.
During the rest of the meal, she could barely eat, thinking only of Allie. What should she say when they talked? Would Allie mention the kiss? As soon as Kimiko finished clearing the table, she raced upstairs to her bedroom and listened to the voice mail.
“Hi, Kimiko. It’s Allie.” Her voice sounded a little shaky and nervous. “I’m just calling to say hi and see how you’re doing. Give me a call sometime. I hope you’re okay . . . I miss you.”
Kimiko had missed her, too. Even though she’d told herself they couldn’t be friends or girlfriends or anything, she couldn’t stop thinking about her. She now played the message over and over, listening to Allie’s voice. In order to calm down, she shook out her arms and kicked her legs, until her breath finally slowed enough to phone her.
“’Sup, dude?”
“Hi!” Allie said. She’d just finished helping her mom put Josh to bed. “It’s great to hear your voice. How’re you doing?”
“Pretty good.” Kimiko somehow managed to steady her voice. “I came out to my family.”
“That’s awesome!” Allie exclaimed, closing her bedroom door. “Congrats!”
“Thanks.” Kimiko nervously swung the bill of her cap from one side to the other. “Except my mom stopped talking to me.”
“Oh, gosh,” Allie said, sitting down on her loveseat. “I’m sorry to hear that.”
“It’s okay. So, what’s new with you?”
“Well . . . I guess my big news is I broke up with Chip.”
Kimiko remained quiet, absorbing the implication: Allie was now availably single.
“Hello?” Allie said. “You still there?”
“Yeah, yeah, I’m here,” Kimiko said. “So . . . are you okay with the breakup?”
“Yeah. It felt like we had already broken up. He’s a great guy but it was over. So . . . I had a good cry with Lance.”
“That’s good,” Kimiko replied, uncertain what else to say.
“So, like, how is the math going?” Allie asked, not wanting to dwell on her breakup.
“It’s going better,” Kimiko answered. “Thanks to you.”
“I’d be happy to help you again sometime,” Allie offered. She hoped she wasn’t pushing things, but she felt so excited to talk with Kimiko again. “If you need any help, I mean. Or if you’d like to just hang out, I’d like that, too.”
“So would I,” Kimiko said, her voice a little wobbly. She wished she’d never told Allie that they should just be friends. She wished they could be more than that. At least Allie was single now. But could they be more than friends? “Would you like to hang out this weekend?” Kimiko asked.
“That would be super,” Allie replied.
The conversation flowed a little more easily after that even though Kimiko could barely control her excitement. She told Allie more about coming out to her family; Allie told her more about her breakup with Chip; they talked about their brothers, and school, and karate, and church choir. As soon as they hung up, Kimiko phoned Sergio.
“Dude, she called! We’re going to hang out this weekend.” She pre-empted any of his wiseass comments by adding: “As friends.”
“Riiight,” he replied. “And we know how well that worked last time.”
“Oh, shush!” she told him.
“So, did she mention how devastated Lance was about dumping me?” Sergio asked.
“Oh, yeah,” Kimiko joked. “I forgot to mention that.”
“Really? She did?”
“No, dude. She didn’t mention him.”
“Oh,” Sergio said.
“But if she had,” Kimiko said, hearing the sadness in his voice, “I’m sure she would’ve said he’s devastated and wants to get back together.”
“Thanks,” Sergio said. Even though he knew she was making it up, he hoped that maybe it was true.
After hearing about Kimiko’s talk with Allie, Sergio stared at his phone, missing Lance even more than before. He moped around his bedroom, worked out on his bench press to distract himself, and then binged on chocolates till he overdosed.
Maybe I should call him, Sergio thought. But do I really want to be a couple? And would he be willing to take me back?
Later that night, his mom tapped on his door and asked to speak to him. She sat down in his desk chair while he took a seat on the bed.
“I talked to Padre Ralph today,” she said.
He was their nice but stodgy old parish priest who walked with a waddle and whistled to himself. Sergio’s mom sometimes sought him out to talk about her problems and ask his advice.
“Yeah, so?” Sergio asked her. He already sensed what was coming.
“I talked to him about you,” his mom continued, and he knew she meant about his bisexuality. “He says you need to pray to change.”
“Change into what?” Sergio crossed his arms. “I don’t want to change. I’m happy with who I am.”
“You don’t seem happy,” she replied.
“That’s not because I’m bi,” he argued. “I felt like crap when Zelda dumped me too.”
His mom was quiet a moment, her eyes fixed on the crucifix she’d hung on the wall above his headboard. She’d put a cross up over every bed in the house. “Padre Ralph said that as long as you don’t act on it, it’s not a sin.”
“Too late, Mom. I’ve already acted on it.”
Her mouth drooped into a brooding look.
“Look, Mom, I’m not going to change, okay? I like who I am, even if you don’t.”
At that, she winced a little. “Of course I like you. You’re my son. I love you.”
“Well, if you can love me,” Sergio countered, “don’t you think that God—who supposedly is love—can love me too?”
A tiny smile appeared on her worried face. “I want you to be happy, mijo.”
“That’s what I want too,” Sergio said. “And the only way I can do that is by being me—even if sometimes it sucks.”
“What about your friend?” she asked, and Sergio knew she meant Lance. “He seems like a nice boy.”
“He is.” Sergio smiled, glad she liked him.
“Then why did you two fight?” She sounded concerned, maybe even worried.
“We didn’t really fight. It’s just . . . he wants to be a couple and I don’t.”
“Why don’t you?” she asked, and her question kind of annoyed him.
“You mean besides the fact you don’t want me to date a guy?”
She folded her hands on her lap, looking kind of contrite.
“I guess,” Sergio continued, “because—”
He stopped short, suddenly unsure. Why didn’t he want to be a couple? Because Lance might dump him? Well, he’d dumped Sergio anyway. It seemed like what Kimiko had said: a self-fulfilling prophecy.
“I guess I wasn’t ready,” he told his mom.
She nodded understandingly. “I’m afraid you’re going to make your life harder for yourself.”
“I think I already have,” he admitted.
Her face creased once more with worry. “Is there anything I can do?”
“No,” he mumbled, unable to think of anything. Maybe he just needed to stop being afraid.
“Te quiero, mijo.” She stood, wrapped her arms around him, and gave him a fierce embrace. “I love you.”
“I love you, too,” he replied. At least she hadn’t dumped him.
“So, do you think I should call him?” Sergio asked Kimiko the following day while they bought guinea pig food at the pet store. He’d related during lunch his conversation with his mom ab
out Lance.
“Are you ready to be a couple?” Kimiko asked.
“I think so,” Sergio replied. “The entire universe appears to be conspiring for it. . . . And I’m not dating anybody else anyway . . . But most of all, I miss him. A whole lot.”
“Then it sounds like you’re ready,” Kimiko said as they went to the cash register.
“But what if he’s not interested?” Sergio asked while they drove to his house. “That would be like getting dumped twice.”
“Well,” she argued, “at least you won’t wonder the rest of your life if you could’ve gotten back together.”
Sergio pondered that as they arrived home.
“What do you think I should do, Elton?” Sergio asked after feeding him. He answered himself in a high-pitched voice, “Call him, you stupid pendejo! What the hell is the matter with you? You want me to poop on you again?”
“See?” Kimiko giggled. “You’d better do what he says!”
“Okay, okay. I’ll call. But you can’t listen.” He whisked his hand for her to leave the room. But as she started to go, he changed his mind, afraid he’d lose his resolve. “Wait! Don’t go till he answers! I’ll give you the signal, okay?” He took a deep breath, lifted his cell, and dialed. . . .
Lance was in the family room asking his dad a question for chemistry homework when South Pacific’s “Some Enchanted Evening,” abruptly began to play in his pocket. It was Sergio’s ring tone.
Lance pulled out the phone and stared at the screen, feeling both thrilled and startled. Had Sergio changed his mind?
“Um . . . would you mind if I answer?” he asked his dad.
“Go ahead.” His dad gave him a goofy smile.
“Thanks,” Lance said. He bolted upstairs to his room as he answered the phone. “Um, hello?”
“What up?” Sergio said, his voice quivering a little. He signaled Kimiko and she stepped out of the room, closing the door behind her.
“I was just talking with my dad,” Lance said, letting Rufus into the bedroom before closing his door. “What are you up to?”
