‘I know.’ A tear rolled down V’s cheek and off the bottom of her face. ‘I went to my parents’ for the weekend and got back on Sunday night. Angus was due back very early on Tuesday morning and I hadn’t heard from Mike, so I thought maybe he’d got the message. But then he turned up at the house on Monday evening, stinking of alcohol. He forced his way in and it became apparent that he thought we had some sort of agreement. That I was planning to leave Angus and move in with him.’
‘I believe Mr Hayes kissed you. That you ended up on the floor together.’
V nodded, more tears falling. ‘Yes. I think he would have raped me if I hadn’t stopped him.’
‘Objection,’ Xander said, standing. ‘Mr Hayes denies assaulting Mrs Metcalf. He says this encounter was entirely consensual.’
Justice Smithson looked at the jury. ‘The jury will take into account that this case has not been heard yet and a verdict has not been reached, so Mrs Metcalf and Mr Hayes have differing versions of this event.’
V gasped suddenly, as if she was drowning, pulling her head upwards and forwards. ‘That was the worst part,’ she said in a strangled voice. ‘Mike seemed to think I wanted it all to happen. I had to play along to get him to leave. I had to pretend that I wanted to leave Angus and be with him.’ She put her hand over her mouth, as if containing the words, and her eyes looked desperate. She looked in fact momentarily mad, just as she had when she’d been ill before, when she’d said life felt like it was happening behind a wall she couldn’t climb. And that is when what she was doing started to make sense to me. When she’d been ill she used to say she couldn’t understand anything that was said to her and it was as though words churned in her head. And of course she is feeling that way now, of course all of this is more than she can bear. I forget sometimes how much I hurt her with Carly and how delicate this new life of hers is. The reality must collide with her construction in her mind and cause her to mis-think. She must be terrified at the moment and I am the only one who can make her feel safe again.
‘Can you describe to us what happened when Mr Hayes kissed you?’ Petra asked ghoulishly.
‘Mike is very strong,’ V said and I felt the jury turn to look at me. ‘He had me round the waist and I could, I mean, I could feel he was excited. I tried not to kiss him at first but I thought if I did then he might go away.’
‘How did you end up on the floor?’
‘Mike had me in a really tight grip, pressed against his chest, and I could feel that he was trying to manoeuvre me to lie down, but I wasn’t giving in. So he sort of picked me up and pulled me to the ground. Then, before I could get up again, he laid right on top of me with his whole weight. I felt like I couldn’t breathe.’
‘Did he try to have sex with you?’
V was crying again. ‘Yes, he tried to force my legs apart and pull down my trousers. I felt him trying to open the zip on his trousers.’
‘Did you tell him to stop?’
‘Yes.’
‘How many times did you have to tell him to stop before he did?’
‘Four, maybe five. I had to shout because it was like he was in a trance, it felt like I wasn’t getting through to him.’
‘But did he stop eventually?’
‘Yes, although he was angry. He shouted at me and said something about being bored with hearing about Angus.’
‘So you went along with what Mr Hayes was saying about leaving your husband because you were so scared?’
‘Yes.’
‘Not because you had any intention of leaving Mr Metcalf?’
‘God, no.’
‘So I take it you managed to get him to leave?’
‘Yes.’
‘What did you do after he had gone?’
‘I didn’t know what to do. Angus was in the air so I couldn’t contact him and my head was spinning. I was very ill that night and the next day. I couldn’t stop being sick and I was so weak I found it hard to stand to go to the bathroom. By the time Angus got home I was in a terrible state. I was running a temperature; I think I was a bit delirious. I didn’t have the strength to say anything, let alone tell him what had happened. I was going to, of course, I was going to call the police and everything. But then Mike came back that evening and started saying how we were in love with each other and I was going to leave Angus and go and live with him. I managed to get him to leave again and told Angus everything. It was terrible how upset and angry Angus was, how awful he felt at not having been able to protect me.’ V had given up her fight to control her tears, which now streamed down her face. ‘I feel so terrible about how unhappy I made Angus at the end. How sad and angry. He put me back to bed after we’d agreed that we would call the police in the morning and I must have gone to sleep because the next thing I knew I woke up with a jolt. I could tell the house was empty even lying in bed.’ She gasped as she spoke, again as if the air could save her, her face contracting.
‘What time was this?’
‘One thirty.’
‘What did you do then?’
‘I shouted for Angus and then started looking for him, although I knew he wasn’t in the house. Then I noticed the computer was on and a file I’d created for the wedding was open with all the names and addresses of everyone we’d invited. I knew then that he must have gone to see Mike.’
‘The jury will note that there are twenty-three missed calls on Mr Metcalf’s mobile phone from Mrs Metcalf between one forty-seven and two thirty-one a.m. I would also like to play the court a recording of the voicemail Mrs Metcalf left Mr Metcalf at two oh six a.m.’
Petra signalled to someone and then V’s voice burst into the room, her tone shrill and high, her voice clouded with tears. ‘Gus, I know where you’re going, but please don’t. You don’t know what he’s like. Please, please don’t. It’s not worth it. We’ll call the police and they’ll deal with it. Please call me. Oh Gus, please.’
No one spoke for a minute and the silence fell over the court like a blanket. I held my own hands together, but I could feel the shiver begin in my body, as if it had leapt from V to me, as if our communication was so strong it was impossible for our bodies not to respond to each other. I kept my eyes on hers and eventually she looked up briefly, straight into me.
‘Did Mr Metcalf call you back?’
V shook her head and she almost seemed to vibrate. ‘No. I never spoke to him again.’
‘So, when you couldn’t get hold of your husband what did you do?’
V looked back up, but not at me. ‘I rang Mike. I told him Gus was on his way over and not to answer the door. I told him I was getting in a taxi.’
‘Which you did?’
‘Yes.’
‘You arrived at Mr Hayes’s house just after two thirty.’
V shut her eyes momentarily and her head swayed. She raised her hand and it connected with the eagle. I wanted to leap the barriers and take her in my arms, because I knew what it would be costing her to lie about what we mean to each other. To say that she thought I was going to rape her must be like her taking a knife to her own soul. I wanted to lift her up and soar into the air and out of all this violence and mess and dread. But I am not Superman, I am only human and there is a cleverer way to save her. One that is only now becoming clear.
It is obvious that V thinks it is necessary for one of us to remain on the outside, keeping our life ticking over, and that that person has to be her because there is no denying that I threw the punch which killed Angus. But she is wrong, she hasn’t seen the problem right through to the end and her confusion is written all over her face. I know that tomorrow, when I sit where she has sat today, I have one chance to save her, one chance to make everything all right again.
‘Gus was lying on the ground just inside Mike’s front door,’ V said, her voice shaking. ‘Mike was on top of him, punching and punching him. I ran and pushed Mike off and was screaming for him to stop.’ Her breath heaved inside her, like a gale battering her ribs.
Petra lowered her v
oice. ‘I need you to explain to the court how it was that you were found with Mr Hayes’s arms around you when the police and Miss Porter arrived.’
V shook her head and another stream of tears ran down her cheek. ‘I don’t remember much of that. Nothing felt real. I remember feeling sure I was going to faint and being sort of pulled upwards. But I don’t think I even knew it was Mike holding me up.’
‘How did you feel when you found out Mr Hayes had killed your husband?’ Petra asked and it was like the whole court held its breath.
V’s eyes opened wider, as if she could see something denied to the rest of us. ‘It was like the whole world had fallen in on me. It still feels like that now. When I wake up in the morning it’s like I have a wall of concrete on my chest. I’m scared of everything. I find it hard to concentrate or think straight. I miss Angus every single second of every minute of every hour of every day.’
And there it was. The admission of what I had already worked out. Those were the words she used to say to me when she was ill before, how she couldn’t concentrate or think straight. It was like she was talking directly to me. It wasn’t Angus she missed every second of every minute of every hour of every day, it was me.
Petra shook her head. ‘Were you surprised at the violence Mr Hayes showed?’
‘I never thought anything like this would happen,’ V said. ‘But in hindsight I suppose I’m not surprised. It doesn’t feel like something Mike isn’t capable of.’
‘So you believe Mr Hayes to be a violent and dangerous man?’
‘I do,’ V said, looking straight at me as her tears fell silently. ‘I should have stopped him when I had the chance.’
Xander got his chance with V after lunch, although she didn’t look as if any sustenance had passed her pale lips.
‘Mrs Metcalf, I am interested in your dismissal of the game you played with Mr Hayes, this Crave.’ V looked up at him wearily and her head looked heavy for her neck. ‘You called it a bit of adolescent fun, even though you were both in your twenties. Is that correct?’
‘Yes. I probably shouldn’t have used the word adolescent.’
‘And maybe you shouldn’t have dismissed it as a bit of fun. I suggest it meant much more to you than a bit of fun.’
V looked at the spot I knew Suzi to be. ‘But that’s all it was, a bit of fun.’
‘Sexually charged fun in which you manipulated a stranger and Mr Hayes to make you aroused.’
‘It was hardly manipulation. And it aroused us both.’
‘Did you ever play this game with Mr Metcalf?’
I had known the question was coming but still my heart lurched like I was on a rollercoaster.
‘No,’ V said, and the definiteness of her tone reassured me.
‘Why not?’
‘Because I didn’t want to.’
‘So you discussed it with him?’
‘No, I don’t think I did.’
‘Were you ashamed of it? Embarrassed to talk to him about it?’
‘No, absolutely not.’ V leant her weight on to the witness box, but then stood straight again. ‘I didn’t want to do anything like that with Angus. Our relationship wasn’t like that, it was more than that. That game was just a childish stupid thing. It didn’t have a place in the relationship Angus and I had.’
The room felt swimmy, as if we had been suddenly transported to the jungle and the humidity was high. But I had to remind myself that she was only doing what she mistakenly thought was the right thing for us.
‘That’s quite a sudden dismissal of something you had played for many years, something others would find quite hard to comprehend.’
Verity looked up and her skin seemed tight across her face, like she had been wrapped in cellophane. ‘You’re making too much of this. No one ever got hurt, or even involved beyond a bit of mild flirtation.’
‘Except the girl in America,’ Xander said and I saw his chest puff out as he spoke.
V looked like she had been slapped. Petra also sat up straighter and I knew V hadn’t told her, which proved there were parts of us she was holding back, parts of the Crave she wanted to keep just for us.
‘Is it true that you and Mr Hayes picked up a girl in a bar when you were on holiday two years ago whom you took back to your hotel room and had sex with while Mr Hayes watched?’
Petra stood. ‘Objection, my lord. As far as I’m aware Mrs Metcalf is not being tried for her sexuality.’
‘Overruled,’ said Justice Smithson.
‘For the record,’ Petra said, ‘it is also no longer a criminal offence to be a sexually active woman.’
‘Sit down, Ms Gardner,’ Judge Smithson said. ‘You are being ridiculous.’ He stared at Petra from his stand, his anger clearly radiating off him. Petra’s cheeks coloured and she opened her mouth, but then sat heavily back on to her chair.
‘Please answer the question, Mrs Metcalf,’ Xander said. ‘Did you pick up a woman and have sex with her whilst Mr Hayes watched?’
‘Yes.’ V jutted out her chin, her jaw set tight.
‘And whose idea was it to do that?’
‘Mine. I was curious about having sex with a woman but I didn’t want to do it without Mike being there.’
‘Why were you curious, Mrs Metcalf? Was it something you’d never done before?’
‘Yes.’
Xander looked down at the papers in his hands. ‘That’s strange because I have statements from an Angela Burrows who says you and she had a sexual relationship for three months in the first year of university.’
I looked between Xander and V.
I saw V’s shoulders rise, but then they dropped again. ‘Yes,’ she said.
‘Yes what?’
‘Yes I had a sexual relationship with Angela.’
‘Did Mr Hayes know about it?’
‘No.’
I can’t remember Angela Burrows but next time I am allowed on to a computer I shall look her up.
‘So, when you asked him to watch you having sex with a woman because you were curious, you were lying?’
‘Not exactly. I was curious. I was curious about it in that situation.’
‘But you chose to lie to get your own way.’
‘It was hardly a lie.’
Xander tipped his head to one side. ‘We will have to disagree about that, Mrs Metcalf. Either way, however, it seems fair to say that you and Mr Hayes were involved in an intricate, highly sexual game which went on for many years and which few other people knew about?’
‘That’s unfair. You’re twisting things and making them sound different from how they were.’
I wanted to tell her to stop looking so angry.
‘Could you tell us about the Kitten Club, Mrs Metcalf,’ Xander said.
I felt my body pull upwards at those words and I saw V do the same. She held her hand to her face and appeared to wobble slightly.
‘Mrs Metcalf, are you all right?’ Justice Smithson asked, leaning over his bench.
‘I feel a bit faint,’ V said.
‘Can someone get Mrs Metcalf some water. And a chair,’ the judge said and I was aware of movement. I leaned forward, screaming at V in my head, and she must have heard because she looked up, her eyes pools of misery. We have another signal, one we learnt when we wanted to let the other know that we hadn’t told someone anything. Because we had so many secrets, so many pacts and stories which existed between us, it was sometimes dangerous to be in conversation with other people. As soon as I knew she was looking I opened my eyes wide and turned my head to the right so she could be sure that I hadn’t discussed this with Xander and she could tell the truth.
‘Are you able to continue?’ Justice Smithson asked when V had been seated on a chair with water at her side.
‘Yes,’ V said, ‘I’m sorry.’
Xander stepped forward again. ‘You were about to tell us about the Kitten Club.’
‘It’s a private members’ club.’
‘A private members’ club which
specialises in fulfilling sexual fantasies,’ Xander said. ‘I believe in layman’s terms they organise orgies. Is that correct?’
‘It is.’
‘And you and Mr Hayes were members?’
‘We only went once.’
‘You paid five hundred pounds and you only went once?’
‘We realised it wasn’t for us when we got there. We didn’t even take part the one time we went.’
‘What made you think you’d enjoy it at all?’
‘I don’t know.’
‘It was just the sort of thing you and Mr Hayes were into then?’
‘Well, it turned out not to be.’
‘But it wasn’t out of the question that you would do something like this?’
‘I don’t see how this is relevant in any way.’ V turned to look at the judge, but he kept his eyes on the papers in front of him.
Xander ignored her as well. ‘One more thing about this Kitten Club,’ he said, sounding as if the words tasted bad on his tongue. ‘I believe when you register you have to provide names. They call them code names. And they advise you not to use your real names. Perhaps you could tell the court the names you and Mr Hayes used.’
V looked straight at Xander. ‘Truth and Lies.’
Xander looked at the jury. ‘Truth and Lies,’ he repeated and I thought I heard an intake of breath somewhere.
‘It was just a play on my name. It didn’t mean anything.’
But Xander acted as though he hadn’t heard her again. ‘You lied to Mr Hayes about the ending of your relationship, didn’t you, choosing to lay all the blame at his door rather than taking any responsibility yourself. You blamed him for his one-night stand, when in fact you were having an affair with Angus Metcalf.’
‘I’ve already said I regret that.’
Xander turned from the witness box and walked towards the jury. ‘Would you say you have a face you present to the world and a face you wear in private, Mrs Metcalf?’
‘Objection, your honour,’ Petra said.
‘Sustained,’ Justice Smithson replied, which surprised me.
Our Kind of Cruelty Page 24
