My skin felt itchy. ‘It was easier to do that than talk about what had happened.’
‘Maybe it was easier to pretend to yourself as well?’
‘No, I knew the situation.’
‘You were just determined to reverse it?’
‘I knew Verity wanted that as well.’
Petra paused for a moment, but then spoke again. ‘From what I can tell you assumed an awful lot about what Mrs Metcalf was feeling from a couple of very brief emails and meetings when you came back to London. There are no records of any phone calls between you, no email correspondence apart from the scant few in the files, no meetings.’
‘I know Verity very well,’ I said, keeping my eyes on Petra. ‘I don’t need to spend lots of time with her to know what she is thinking.’
‘You also clearly don’t need to listen to her,’ Petra said, glancing over at the jury. ‘She specifically told you she was in love with Angus and not interested in restarting anything with you almost every time you communicated.’
‘You don’t understand,’ I said and I knew my voice had risen, so I pinched on the side of my hand in the way Xander had taught me to do.
‘Go on then, educate me.’
‘We have all these secret ways of communicating which only we understand.’
‘Oh yes,’ Petra said, her voice heavy with sarcasm. ‘You think she doesn’t mean the things she says. So, when she says no, she actually means yes, is that it?’
‘No. I don’t mean …’
‘Like when you’re forcing yourself on a woman sexually and she’s telling you no and you keep going because really no means yes. Is that what you mean?’
‘Objection, my lord,’ Xander said, standing. ‘How is this relevant?’
‘Yes, Ms Gardner,’ Judge Smithson said, ‘you do seem to be concerning yourself with political point-scoring in this trial.’
Petra looked down and her face was a deep red. ‘Apologies, my lord, if you feel that way. But I think we can agree that it is relevant, given that Mr Hayes failed to stop kissing Mrs Metcalf when she first asked him to on the night of the alleged assault.’
The judge waved his assent, but it was obvious he was annoyed.
Xander caught my eye and lowered his shoulders, so I did the same and it made me feel a bit better. ‘Of course I don’t think no means yes,’ I said. ‘I stopped when Verity asked me to.’
‘She had to ask you more than once, I believe. She had to shout. She says you had her pinned to the floor.’
‘She wanted to kiss me.’
‘How on earth do you know that?’
‘From the way she responded.’
‘I put it to you that you wanted Mr Metcalf dead,’ Petra said, looking straight at me. ‘I have the medical reports and your injuries were mostly superficial. Mr Metcalf, however, sustained a dislocated jaw, a broken nose, cheek-and jawbone, a fractured skull and extensive bleeding on the brain. You hit him very hard numerous times. Much harder than he hit you, much harder than was necessary to stop him punching you.’
‘I didn’t mean to kill him.’
‘You must have hated him simply because Verity loved him.’
‘No,’ I said, shaking my head. ‘I didn’t hate him. I felt sorry for him.’
‘But he had everything you wanted.’
‘No, he didn’t. He thought he did. But Verity didn’t love him.’
‘But Verity has sat where you are now and told us she loved him.’
‘She doesn’t mean it.’
‘Oh right, so we’re back here. Back to not believing the words which come out of a woman’s mouth because they always mean the opposite.’
‘Objection,’ Xander said. ‘Mr Hayes has never claimed to be talking for all women.’
‘Sustained,’ said Justice Smithson. ‘Ms Gardner, your point?’
‘My point, my lord,’ said Petra, walking towards me, ‘is that you, Mr Hayes, seem to have established this narrative in which you know Verity better even than she knows herself. Only you know what is best for her or how she should live. Only you understand what she means. Only you hear the things she doesn’t say and convince yourself that she has spoken.’
‘No, you don’t understand.’ The desire to cause Petra physical harm raged inside me.
‘And when she broke away from this and was happy in a life which had nothing to do with you, you couldn’t bear it and killed Mr Metcalf in a fit of jealousy and rage, in the way you had been conditioned to behave since childhood.’
‘That is not true.’ I could feel the sweat dripping from my brow and the tension in my shoulders which would result in a mean headache.
‘But it is also not true that Mrs Metcalf wanted to be with you or end her marriage, is it? And it is certainly not true that she ever asked you to help her get rid of Mr Metcalf.’
‘You don’t understand,’ I said again and I felt our truth slipping away from me.
‘Your childhood sounds terrible,’ Petra said. ‘Do you hate your mother, Mr Hayes?’
I thought of the woman in my waste-paper basket. ‘No.’
‘But you refuse to see her?’
‘Yes.’
‘Why is that?’
‘Because there’s no point.’
‘Did you read the article in the Mirror in which she appeared very contrite and begged to see you?’
It felt like the walls were closing in and I didn’t know where we were going. ‘Yes?’
‘So why not see her now then?’
‘Because she doesn’t mean it.’
Petra spun to the jury. ‘There. Another woman who says one thing and means another.’
‘I didn’t mean …’ I started to say, but Xander shushed me with his hand.
‘I don’t think you trust women,’ Petra said, turning back to me. ‘Or men for that matter. I think you have constructed your own internal world because that is the only place you feel safe.’
‘Objection,’ Xander said. ‘I didn’t realise Ms Gardner was a psychologist.’
‘You might do well to save those types of remarks for your closing statement, Ms Gardner,’ Justice Smithson said.
‘Sorry, my lord,’ Petra said. ‘You’re right. Because of course Mr Hayes is too deeply involved in this fantasy to ever admit to any of it.’ She walked over to where I was standing until she was so close I could see her make-up creased in the lines round her eyes and smell her synthetic floral stench. ‘I don’t even believe you love Mrs Metcalf,’ she said, her eyes locked on me.
‘Of course I love her,’ I shouted, the sound deafening in the silent court.
Petra turned her back on me and I wanted to vault the witness box and push her to the ground. ‘No,’ she said finally. ‘You’re in love with the idea of being in love. You can’t love someone and put them through what you’ve made Mrs Metcalf endure.’
‘But you don’t understand,’ I said, and even though I stopped myself shouting there was a tremor in my voice. ‘You have no idea.’
‘What, because I’m a woman?’ Petra said as she turned back to face me again.
‘No, because you’re not me or Verity.’
‘I would just ask you to do the decent thing and tell the truth about Mrs Metcalf,’ she said, looking directly into my eyes. ‘If you love her like you say you do then for God’s sake let her go and admit that you’re lying about her involvement in her husband’s murder. Lying about what she feels for you. Lying, in fact, about your whole relationship, which exists only inside your own head.’
I held her gaze, her stupid cow-like brown eyes. I shook my head. ‘No,’ I said. ‘I stand by everything I have said. Verity and I are very much in love. We didn’t want Angus to die, but there was no way we weren’t going to be together.’
Petra shook her head and turned away. ‘No further questions, my lord.’
Xander leant over his table as he asked the first question. ‘How did you feel when Mrs Metcalf ended the relationship last Christmas?’
‘
Shocked and saddened. But I also understood. I had betrayed her massively and I knew I had to pay for what I’d done.’
‘That’s an interesting phrase. Pay for what you’d done. Is that what Verity said to you?’
‘No, but I know the rules.’
Xander raised an eyebrow. ‘What rules?’
It felt like there was too much to say and not enough time. You see I knew, V, that you were the only person in the room who would understand what I was talking about and, at that moment, I felt nothing but contempt for everyone else. How boring, I thought, not to be us. ‘Our rules. The rules we live by.’
‘Is that why you stopped contacting Mrs Metcalf in February after you returned to New York?’
I could feel my heart beating through my shirt, hard and fast. ‘Yes. I knew I had to make amends. I knew I couldn’t just say sorry, I knew I had to show her how sorry I was. So, I set about making plans to come home and buy a house and start creating the sort of life we’d always talked about.’
‘You must have been pretty shocked then to find out she was engaged,’ Xander said. He kept his eyes on me as he spoke and I knew he was willing me not to say what I thought.
‘I was,’ I said, keeping my voice steady. ‘But I also realised how much I had hurt her and it felt like a natural reaction.’
He smiled because I had remembered. ‘Are you saying that you think Angus was a rebound relationship?’
I shrugged, as casually as I could, keeping my mind fixed on all the times we’d played this out, as I’m sure you did, V, with Petra. ‘I couldn’t say, but it seems like a very short amount of time to go from a long-term relationship to engagement.’
Xander nodded. ‘And did you attempt to contact Mrs Metcalf on your return?’
‘I emailed her to say I was back and said I was looking forward to the wedding and meeting Angus and how they should come round sometime.’
‘So all very friendly?’ Xander said. Then he looked at the jury. ‘Emails are item twelve in your folder.’
‘Yes, she said we should get together after the wedding. But then I bumped into her like she said, a couple of weeks before the wedding.’
‘And how was that?’
I swallowed because it felt like my throat was blocked. I drank from the water in front of me. ‘It was strange,’ I said, pausing. ‘I think it was strange for both of us. It still felt like there was a strong connection between us and it upset me, if I’m honest.’ Keep to the timeline, Xander had instructed me, remember it as though your life depends on it, which of course it did.
‘But you still went to the wedding?’
‘Yes, although I wish I hadn’t because it was horrid to see Verity marry Angus. It made me realise that I wasn’t over her. In fact it made me realise I was still in love with her.’
‘So, when was the next time you saw Mrs Metcalf after the wedding?’ Xander asked.
‘I went to meet her after work. I felt I had to say a few things to her and she agreed to a drink. I told her I loved her still and I thought she’d made a mistake marrying Angus.’
‘And what did she say?’
I looked up at that and over at you then, V. Xander had told me not to, but I found I couldn’t stop myself. You were staring at me, your face ashen and your eyes black and hard and I knew then that you hadn’t yet understood what I was doing. I opened my mouth, but nothing came out.
‘Mr Hayes, you must answer the question,’ Justice Smithson said.
‘She seemed very confused,’ I said. ‘She said she loved Angus, but she was distressed and she kept giving me our secret signal.’
‘Your secret signal?’ Xander said. ‘What’s that?’
‘When we Craved her signal to me, when she wanted me to come over and rescue her, was to pull on the silver eagle she wears round her neck.’ We all looked at you as I said this and the eagle was there, resting gently on your skin. You sweetly put your hand to it, but then dropped it back into your lap.
Xander turned back to me. ‘And is that when Mrs Metcalf mentioned Angus was going away for a few days?’
‘Yes. I took it to mean that she wanted me to come round and we could start sorting all the mess out. But she was away at the weekend, so I went round on the Monday evening and she let me in.’
‘Mrs Metcalf says you assaulted her.’
My eyes stung with the effort it was taking not to cry. ‘I think Verity is very confused and that’s understandable. It was wrong of us to kiss, but we couldn’t help ourselves. And like Verity said, when she asked me to stop I did. We talked for ages afterwards about what we were going to do and how she would break it to Angus.’
‘And you left afterwards. She didn’t have to shout or ask you to go? She didn’t call the police?’
I shook my head. ‘No. We agreed she would tell Angus the next day and come and live with me.’
‘But you didn’t hear from her the next day?’
‘No. I started to get worried that Angus had hurt her in some way or something had happened, so I went round again. I should have left when he told me she was ill as Verity had made it clear she wanted to be the one to tell him, which would have been the right thing to do. But my impatience got the better of me and I blurted it out. He was very shocked and she was very upset and I left so they could sort it out. I went home and fell asleep and the next thing I knew was when Verity rang me to say Angus was on his way round.’ I realised I had been talking quickly and my breath was coming in short, ragged bursts.
Xander flipped open the pages he was holding. ‘I also have the medical reports, which show that both you and Mr Metcalf sustained injuries consistent with a fist fight. Is that your memory of what happened?’
‘Yes.’
‘Who would you say started the fight?’
‘Mr Metcalf. As soon as I opened the door he went for me.’
‘So he didn’t try to speak to you first?’
‘No. Not at all.’
‘Witnesses have testified to the fact that he was standing shouting outside your house for a good ten minutes before you opened the door. Why was that?’
‘Because Verity had told me not to let him in.’
‘Why do you think she said that?’
‘She said she didn’t want either of us getting hurt.’
‘Either of you?’
‘Yes.’
‘So what made you open the door then?’
I thought back to those minutes in the kitchen. ‘It’s hard to explain. Lots of people have shouted at me in my life and I wanted him to stop.’
‘What do you feel about the fact that you killed Mr Metcalf?’
I looked at my hands and it still felt unreal that they had ended another person’s life. ‘I feel devastated,’ I said, remembering the word Xander wanted me to use. ‘Of course I wanted Verity to leave him, but I didn’t want anything bad to happen to him.’
And that is the truth. Or maybe the real truth is that I didn’t care what happened to Angus. I don’t think you really cared either, V, although I know you didn’t want him dead. I don’t think either of us really cares what happens to anyone apart from you and me. I don’t wish death on others, but at the same time there are so many pointless people out there, so many disposable lives. Our truth is nothing stranger than that we need no one else; you and I are all there is.
‘What was it like when Verity was ill after you left university? When she took anti-depressants?’
I could feel your eyes on me, V, and I’m sorry but I had to play the line here, even though we both know it’s not what I meant. We both know I loved that time. ‘It wasn’t nice, but we got through it.’
‘I believe you learnt how to meditate in order to help her?’
‘Yes, it’s a useful skill.’
‘Would you say you are a naturally calm person, Mr Hayes?’
‘I think so.’
‘And how about the descriptions others have given of you being a bit of a loner, an outsider, hard to make friends with, but
very loyal.’
I nodded. ‘I think all that is true. I did have a hard childhood, but I was also very lucky to be taken on by Elaine and Barry, who taught me that there are good people out there. Maybe I did love Verity too much, like her mother said, but also I’m not sure what that means. I do love her. And she loves me.’
Xander nodded and it felt like we were all breathing more heavily. ‘Mr Hayes, I am very interested in your take on the game, the Crave, you played with Mrs Metcalf during your relationship.’
‘It’s hard to explain to outsiders. It was just as Verity said. We’d go to a bar and I’d hang back so a man could approach her and then I’d go over and break it up.’
‘Mrs Metcalf testified that it aroused you both. Is that true?’
‘Yes.’
‘I believe sometimes you had sex afterwards in the bars or clubs where these events took place.’
‘Yes, we did.’
Xander walked towards the jury. ‘And did you always enjoy these nights?’
‘Yes. If Verity was happy then so was I.’
‘How do you feel now you know that she was lying to you about being curious about having sex with a woman, when in fact she’d had a lesbian relationship already?’
‘It doesn’t matter,’ I said, and it doesn’t, V.
‘And what about the Kitten Club. What did you feel about that?’
After your testimony, V, when Xander and I were talking about whether or not you’d lied about how many times we had been to the Kitten Club, and I said it had only been once, there was something about the way he said the word ‘Shame’ which made me finally understand what all this is about for these idiots who are not us. It unlocked the problem for me, made me see a way out of the mess. Give them what they want and they will all go away.
Yes, V, you and I will have to sacrifice a few years of our lives because this world isn’t ready yet to appreciate love in its purest, most simple form. This world deals in violence and lies, deceit and deception. It cannot see purity even when it is placed in front of its nose, choosing instead to turn away and scoff. Well, let them. We don’t care, do we, V? We are so much more than that.
That is the reason I did what I did next.
Our Kind of Cruelty Page 26
