"Hmm?" Jax asked, pulled from his thoughts by the sound of her voice. "Tried what?"
"To be better," she murmured. "When I first became a vampire, I tried to be better. I tried to enroll in a school, tried to forge my papers, tried to get a job, tried to live a normal life. But I was fifteen, nearly sixteen, and I didn’t even have a driver's license. And most vampires join some sort of coven, pledge their loyalty to a head vamp somewhere, or at least a strong vamp, someone who will show them the ropes, who will get them the paperwork they need and provide a home or at least some sort of security. But the vampire who turned me disappeared on me, was gone by the time I woke up from the transformation. I was alone. And the only people who showed any interest in trying to help me wanted something in return, something I wasn't prepared to give—a life, an oath—all blood on my hands. So I needed some way to survive."
Pandora crossed her arms, staring out the window at the dark outline of trees passing by. "I started small, stealing a blood bag here, some clothes there, breaking into a hotel or an empty apartment just so I'd have a place to sleep at night. And day by day, it became easier to take things that weren't mine. I got used to it. And once word spread about a vampire with the ability to become invisible, offers came in for sums of money too large for me to ignore, all to take little things—a painting from a museum, a jewel from a vault. I didn’t even realize I'd gotten in so deep until suddenly I was drowning, sneaking into secret lairs, walking past humans who'd been fed on so many times they were little more than breathing blood bags. Or past conduits trapped in dark cellars, too weak to use their fire to escape. Or witches or werefolk or fae, anything and anyone a vamp thought he could use to his or her advantage. And then one day, I forgot what I was being paid to steal and decided to steal one of those poor souls instead, to free them. And I liked it, so I kept doing it, and the more people I freed, the more vamps I pissed off, the more they continued to try to hunt me. So I run, and I keep running, because sometimes, there's no other option. Sometimes you're running so fast for so long that if you stop, everything that's chasing you will catch up. All the cards you've so carefully stacked will come crashing down, so you have no choice. You just keep going."
Pandora smashed her lips together, forcing her mouth to close, forcing her racing mind to slow, forcing the words to stop tumbling through her lips, admissions she never meant for Jax to hear.
After taking a deep breath, she let one more word slip out. "Okay?"
He didn’t look at her. He didn’t need to. "Okay."
"Okay," she repeated, nodding to herself. Okay.
"I'm tired," he said into the permeating silence. Pandora flicked her gaze in his direction, but his face was purposefully blank. For her benefit, because he knew she hadn't meant to say all the things she'd said, he was ignoring them. "How about we find a hotel for the night? Get some actual sleep in an actual bed? I think we could both use the break."
Pandora stared at him, grateful for his words, surprised that he was for once letting her off the hook, was for once not pressing the issue.
"I mean, if you need to stop…" she said, voice just on the verge of teasing. "But we're getting a room with twin beds, just in case you get tempted to try something stupid."
The corner of Jax's lip twitched. "I wouldn't dare."
Chapter Thirteen
They pulled into a hotel a mile or two from the exit in the middle of a small row of strip malls. There was some sort of little league tournament in town that weekend, so all the twin rooms were taken, leaving the two of them with a queen.
Just my frigging luck, Pandora thought when Jax pushed open the door.
The bed was the major elephant in the room.
She couldn’t look away.
Jax, on the other hand, couldn't be bothered. Without saying anything to her, he pulled the covers back, slid off his dirty T-shirt, and crashed onto the mattress. Within five minutes, he was asleep, face up with an arm flung casually over his head.
Typical, she thought, frowning. So typical.
And the longer she stared at his peacefully slumbering face, his softly pouting lips, his bare chest hardly covered by the blankets, the more annoyed she got. This was so like Jax, to act as if everything was fine, as if it were normal for them to be sharing a bed, sharing a room, as if it didn’t matter at all.
Well, I can pretend too.
And she would.
But first, she desperately needed to shower the saltwater from her hair, desperately needed to scrub the grime from her skin, just desperately needed to be clean. She slipped into the bathroom, then turned the water to full heat so it scalded her frozen skin, steaming up the mirror and sizzling upon contact. She washed the past few days away, shampooing twice and using nearly the entire bar of soap as brown water collected around her feet. But there were some things she couldn't wash away—the feel of Jax's lips pressed against hers, how incredibly light Tatsuya's severed head had felt in her hands, the sound of that conduit's voice as she told Pandora life could be different, told her she could be saved.
Shaking her head, Pandora turned off the water and pushed the shower curtain aside. Before her mind could wander any further, she grabbed a towel to dry off with. But it was useless. The hotel was too quiet. The room was too small. Jax's presence was too large. All her mind continued to do was race and race and race as she left the bathroom, slipped her clothes back on, and crawled underneath the covers, facing the wall.
Her awareness of Jax's body was sharp, a constant distraction, a tingle along her spine that kept her awake as it grew stronger and stronger, hotter and hotter, demanding to be acknowledged. After five minutes, she sighed, flipping over.
Maybe if I just look at him, I'll be able to stop thinking about him.
But life didn’t work that way.
Once her gaze landed on Jax, she couldn't look away. Her attention was glued, her mind fixed and annoyingly alert. Light from the parking lot streamed through the window, a bright fluorescent white seeping through the thin curtains, silhouetting his profile. Her focus wandered up the straight ridge of his nose, over his forehead to the soft black strands being feathered by the light, velvety hair she could vividly remember running her hands through, could vividly remember gripping tightly in the heat of their passion. She shifted her gaze down, over the strong curve of his jaw, skipping past his lips because she couldn't bear to stare at them. His arms must have been twice the size that she remembered, so bulky compared to the boy in her memories, so much stronger, sturdier. Her fingers ached to trace the edge of his bicep, but she curled them into her chest. The two feet of space between their bodies was necessary, because once that wall crumbled, Pandora wasn't sure she'd ever crawl back to her own side.
As if sensing her scrutiny, Jax sighed in his sleep, rolling over and presenting her with his back.
Such a simple motion.
And yet, it hit Pandora like a cold shower.
She flinched at the sight of the black tattoo inked into the brown skin at the base of his neck, the symbol of the Order of Othrys, the titan seal. There were twelve starbursts aligned in a circle, representing the twelve original titans of myth and the twelve factions they fell into today—trackers like Jax, hunters like Pandora's father, mindbenders like the ones who were probably already in Atlantic City, cleaning up the mess she and Jax had left behind, and nine other spheres of power titans fell into. Those stars were connected by straight lines, extending to the left and right and then through the center to the star on the opposite side, representing the brotherhood, representing strength in unity. And in the center, covering the spot where the lines intersected, was the shape of a shaded-in keyhole. Only full members of the order knew what it meant, but Pandora assumed it was a symbol of the secrets the order kept, the secrets the titans had been privy to during the many hundreds of years of their existence.
What did Jax know that she didn't?
What was he hiding from her?
What secrets were locked in his hear
t?
Pandora's hand crossed the invisible barrier, moving before she even realized, and hovered over the tattoo, stopped by the heat emanating from his skin and sinking into her cold fingers. Not touching him, she traced the keyhole and the stars, traced the brand between his shoulder blades.
He'd chosen them.
She'd chosen, well, anything but them.
Almost as a reminder of her decision, her fangs slid out, pressing into her lower lip, called by the scent fluttering in through her nose, a smell she'd only just noticed.
Blood.
Jax's blood.
The cut on his back still hadn't healed, not completely. It was scabbed over, caked in dried clots that were haloed by a translucent red stain where the blood had soaked into his T-shirt. The sight was so odd on titan skin, skin that was almost as tough as a vampire's—at least, it was supposed to be. But that wasn't what Pandora was thinking about as she licked her lips, fingers hovering over the wound, trembling. She was thinking that she hadn't fed in a long time, that all the fighting had made her hungry, that all the healing had depleted her stores, that her veins were painfully dry and scratchy, empty and aching for relief.
She was thinking, I wonder what he tastes like.
And then she wasn't thinking any longer.
Without realizing she'd even moved, she’d brought her mouth an inch away from the wound, and her eyes were glowing blue, so bright she could almost see the reflection on his skin. The bloodlust consumed her, taking control of her senses, sending her thoughts whirling away as an innate hunger took over, too strong to ignore. Her lashes fluttered as she drew the scent into her nose, more potent from this closer distance, more alluring. The power sat on her tongue, teasing her senses, rousing them as her body picked apart the strength in his blood, the bright hum of vibrant life mixed with something else, something more, something that couldn't be defined—a raw sense of might that made her head spin.
Pandora's tongue darted out, quick and soft, a featherlight touch.
Jax sighed in his sleep.
She swallowed, eyes closing as his blood dripped down her desert throat, a slowly moving oasis. The power in his blood was like a drug, drawing her out of herself into someplace dangerous. She pressed her tongue against his muscles, longer this time, drawing in more. But not enough.
Consumed by the craving, Pandora rolled Jax over gently, turning him face up as he blinked his eyes open, confused.
"What?" he murmured, half-asleep.
"Shh," she whispered, face still pressed against his skin as she crouched over him, using her nose to follow the trail of his pounding blood, to follow the veins pumping life up his chest. She hovered over his heart, then found what she was looking for. An artery. She pressed her lips gently against his chest, once, twice, slowly moving up as she slid her palms from his abdomen to his shoulder, just enough weight to hold him down, to hold him still.
"Dory?" he whispered, unsure if he was in a dream.
But Pandora was beyond speaking as she brought her mouth to the spot she'd been searching for, as his pulse ticked against her lips, blood surging faster and faster as he grew more and more awake with each passing moment.
"Shh," she murmured again.
He relaxed back into the bed, hands finding her hips, tracing up the contours of her back, breath growing short, the beat against her skin racing as his temperature spiked to an inferno.
"Dor—"
She bit.
Jax groaned, half agony and half ecstasy. He dug his fingers into her skin, not pushing or pulling, just holding her still, wavering. Pandora sank her fangs deep, mind going blank as his blood began to course through her, primal instincts taking over.
"What the—!" Jax snapped out of the trance, grabbing her hair in a fist and yanking her head from his neck, horrified.
She hissed, flashing her teeth.
The girl he knew was gone.
The beast living inside had taken over, and right now, all it wanted was blood. She'd waited too long, fought too much, healed too much—the hunger had crept up on her, slow and then all at once, too much to control. Her nails carved into his chest, flesh wounds meant to distract him. It worked. He released her hair and grasped her by the shoulders, but she brought her legs up and sat on his chest, holding his arms in place as she dipped her head down again. He tried to push her off but couldn't dislodge her thighs. Pandora's teeth found his neck once more, and she drank as fast as she could. Until suddenly, she wasn't—she was rolling over as his body came on top of her. Jax pinned her to the mattress as he grabbed her arms and lifted them up over her head, immobile. She snapped her jaw, trying to rip out his throat, but he jerked out of the way.
"Dory!" he shouted at her.
The blood was still dripping from his wound, landing in her open mouth.
"Dory!"
He rattled her arms, trying to wake her. The entire bed shook as she fought to free herself from his hold, but it was unbreakable.
"Dory!" he yelled one last time.
She froze, snapping back to reality.
In an instant, she pushed him off and then jumped away, flying backward as though pulled by a string. She didn’t stop until her spine hit the wall, then she fell to her feet and just kept sinking into a crouch as she stared at the blood dripping down his bare chest, the two puncture holes in his neck, the claw marks slashing across his abdomen.
I'm an animal, she thought, gasping, eyes widening.
She didn’t even remember doing any of it.
Didn't even remember biting into his skin.
But the evidence was still soaking her lips, warm, and despite herself, she licked the last bit of his blood from her mouth. Pandora hated herself for how good it felt as she swallowed it down.
Jax sat up, watching her with concern. "It's not as bad as it looks."
He was trying to console her—he was worried about her. But she wasn't the one bleeding out.
"I," she said, pausing as her lips twitched, unsure. I'm sorry. I can help you. I can seal the wounds. But what popped out was, "I have to go."
"Dory, really, I'm already healing," he said, reaching toward her.
But she backed away, shaking her head. "I have to go."
He stood, shifting his head to the side, brows pulling in tight as his gaze probed hers, searching. "You didn’t mean it. I know that. It wasn't you. It's not your fault."
"Not my fault?" she countered, voice rising an octave as the alarm started to really set in. "Not my fault? Jax, look at yourself. I did that, me, and I didn't even realize. What if you—what if I—" She shook her head back and forth uncontrollably. "No, I have to go."
"Where?" he asked.
"I don't know," she said, already racing for the door and yanking it open. "I just have to go."
And then she was gone before Jax could say another word.
Feet pounding.
Eyes wide.
Cold heart stopped dead.
Jax's blood hot in her veins.
Mind carrying her even faster than her vampire speed.
I bit him.
I bit Jax.
The bloodlust hadn't hit her that hard since she'd first turned. To many vamps, she was still a newbie, still learning, but she'd never experienced anything quite like that before, quite so all-consuming. Maybe it was the hunger. Maybe it was the titan power in his blood. Maybe it was just because it was Jax, and he'd always had a way of overwhelming her. But whatever it was, she'd never be able to get that image out of her mind or the taste of his blood off her lips.
This is who I am.
What I am.
What I chose to be.
A monster.
Except what if she weren't?
What if she chose differently?
Wiping the rest of Jax's blood from her chin, letting the world turn into a blur of flashing lights, Pandora let herself consider the idea, just for a moment.
What if I were cured?
Pandora tried to push the idea from her
mind as soon as it came, but it wouldn't budge.
What if I were a titan again? I could still run almost as fast, could still disappear, could still have my own life. I wouldn't need to go back to the enclave. I wouldn't need to undergo the initiation, wouldn't need to bend to my father's will. I could keep going, keep moving from place to place, keep hiding. And by the time I turned twenty-one, everything would be over. The zone for my initiation would pass, and my father would let me go. And then, as a regular human, no more titan powers, maybe I could be normal. Not a vamp. Not a titan. Just a girl. Maybe I could go to school, actually be a vet. Maybe, eventually, I wouldn’t need to keep running. Maybe I could just stop, could just live. And maybe Jax would come with me.
That stopped her.
No, he wouldn’t come with her.
He'd already been initiated. He'd already made his choice.
What had happened that night?
The night he chose? The night she left?
For the first time, a small part of Pandora wanted to remember, wanted to bring all those dark memories out from hiding, to relive the nightmare just so she could know what had been so terrible that she'd done this to herself. Because four years later, more alone and lost than ever, Pandora wasn't sure if she would make the same choice given a second chance. Back then, she'd been a naïve fifteen-year-old girl, sheltered for her entire life, secluded from the harsh realities of the world. What had seemed unbearable back then could be just another day in her current life—or it could be so much worse than she ever imagined.
Jax said she'd run because of him.
He said he knew why she left. Because he broke his promise, because he broke her heart, because he shattered her dreams and left her the one way he swore he wouldn’t—alone. But is that really why she'd given up her life? Why she'd turned herself into this monster? Because of a boy?
No, she thought. There has to be more. There has to.
She refused to believe she'd ever be so stupid as to throw everything away for a boy, even for Jax, the boy, the one she thought she'd be with forever. Even as an innocent fifteen-year-old, she'd been smarter than that.
Frost (Midnight Ice Book One) Page 15
