by Rosie Nixon
I texted Jason back:
OK, but I’m not ready for you to stay long. You could come tomorrow, for an hour at 2 p.m., to spend time with Joni.
No kiss at the end.
Thank you. I’ll be there then x
I had completely lost my appetite now. I gave Joni some more of the mush, which she appreciatively gobbled down, and then laid her onto her jungle gym in the front room for a kick-about, which would hopefully wear her out ahead of bath time. I returned to the kitchen and poured the soup down the sink and put the toast in the bin. I flicked the kettle on before wandering from room to room as my mind raced with what Jason might say tomorrow, and all the things I wanted to say to him. I went into the bathroom to run the baby bath for Joni; while the water ran into the little plastic bassinet, I stared at myself in the mirror for a few minutes. My face was bare of make-up. I looked weary. There were bags under my eyes, and the last week had taken the colour from my skin. There was a degree of leanness to my face that I hadn’t seen since pre-pregnancy, but it wasn’t a good thing. I looked older. For a moment I thought about what I might wear tomorrow when Jason came around, but then decided against making any effort – why should I hide the battle scars of the last week?
That night, I woke to the sound of Joni crying. It was a loud, urgent kind of cry. Her forehead felt hot and clammy. I lifted her out of her cot which was now in the nursery and brought her into bed with me. I looked at my phone: it was only 1 a.m., she shouldn’t be hungry. She looked so small on the side of the bed where Jason should have been sleeping. She also looked under the weather. Her cry turned into a whimper, as though she couldn’t muster enough energy to keep it up. She was waving her arms around though, as if trying to tell me something. She seemed to be in discomfort and her nose was runny. Was she okay? I felt panicky and alone. Without Jason here, there was nobody to confer with. I thought about who else might be awake and sober at this time of night – the other women in The Baby Group, of course. My finger hovered over the icon for the group – a picture of a baby bottle, which Lucy had uploaded when she set it up. Little did she know then the battle she’d have with baby bottles as she tried to get Albie to take one. I felt nostalgic for a moment, despite the fact she had duped me. I wondered if any aspects of our ‘friendship’ had been based on truth.
I decided not to send a message to the group. Instead I scooped Joni up and padded into the kitchen to give her some Calpol for her temperature – it was probably nothing more than a summer cold. The weather had turned unseasonably chilly in the last couple of days. I also gave her half a bottle of milk to wash it down. She drank it hungrily, so I gave her some more; perhaps she was a having a growth spurt.
I reflected on the camaraderie our Baby Group had shared and wondered whether I would see any of them again. Now this had happened, I couldn’t imagine ever meeting up with Lucy in a café for a catch-up.
I decided to let Joni spend the rest of the night in bed with me. Co-sleeping might not be Gina Ford’s style, but tonight it felt as though we needed to be extra close to one another.
Once the paracetamol took effect, she was soon asleep again, her arms up by her head in submission, her legs splayed like a little frog. She made sweet snorting noises that melted my heart. In the last week or so she had begun to look more like Jason. My heart ached for him to be here with us.
I looked across at Joni again. Despite her presence, sometimes I felt so desperately alone, it was suffocating.
Monday 16th August
I must have eventually fallen asleep because the next thing I knew, I was woken by Joni stirring at 6 a.m. I was feeling tired and jittery in anticipation of seeing Jason again. I busied myself on a mission to clean the flat. Joni seemed grumpy, clearly the broken night of sleep had been tough on both of us. At one point, when I found myself spraying the bathroom mirror with deodorant instead of glass cleaner, I realized that maybe this wasn’t such a great idea and I needed to slow down. So when it was time for Joni to have her late morning nap, I decided to take the opportunity for a rest too, putting my phone on silent but setting the alarm for 1.30 p.m. so we would be ready for his arrival. I put Joni down in the nursery so I could sleep more easily in the bedroom, without fear of disturbing her.
I woke abruptly to the sound of the alarm. I must have been straight out the moment my head hit the pillow because I felt groggy from a deep sleep. The flat was silent which was great news because it meant Joni had been down for a full two hours, meaning she had hopefully slept off whatever had kept her awake in the night and would be in a good place for Jason’s visit. I got up and ran a brush through my hair and changed my top, thinking I’d put on a bit of make-up and make myself a strong coffee before waking her. I was feeling nervous about seeing Jason.
When I entered the nursery, which was only tiny, I knew immediately that something was very wrong. It was the total silence at first and then my eyes confirmed the worst. Joni was not in her cot.
I struggled to breathe and a bitter chill rippled through my whole body, turning my face ashen, my heartbeat fast.
Her Grobag was still there, but it was unzipped. I ran to the side of the cot, lifted it up and shook the material, although it was plain that she wasn’t in there. It still felt slightly warm.
My chest felt tight, my stomach knotted, as I jolted into action, dashing from room to room calling her name ‘Joni! Joni!’ I knew it was futile because she was barely five months old – she could only just roll, there was no way she was capable of climbing out of her own cot. I returned to my bedroom, to double check I hadn’t absent-mindedly brought her into bed with me. I dramatically flung back the duvet and threw the pillows off the bed, I even stooped down to the floor and looked underneath the bed, but she was not there. The flat felt disturbingly empty and cold.
Where the hell was she?
I noticed my heart was drumming fast, my chest tightening further with every beat as I ran back into the nursery. Senseless with panic, I pressed on the window but it was securely locked. I kicked open the door to the bathroom, peered around it and even looked in the bath and shower cubicle. Then I raced downstairs to the front door. It was closed, with no sign of a forced entry, and I opened it and looked out into the street. Her pram was still there at the bottom of the stairs. ‘Joni!’ I called out, but the street was empty save for one old man, who slowly turned and gave me a puzzled look.
My mind ticked over desperately. My thoughts felt muddled by the painful, thick thump, thump, thump, of my heart in my chest. I felt frantic. Then it hit me. Who could be so evil as to take my baby?
I ran back into the bedroom where my phone was still on the bedside table. My hands shaking, my finger hovered over calling 999, but instead I called Lucy.
Chapter Forty-Three
Lucy
After the stress and anxiety of the past week, I decided to book myself in for a yoga class. I’d gone to the local studio religiously during my pregnancy, but since Albie was born, and what with taking adequate time to recover from the C-section, my practice had completely fallen away. There didn’t seem to be a single hour in the day when I could fit it in, and in the last few days I had felt too afraid of bumping into Jason or Aisha on my short walk to the studio, to risk going there.
But knowing the results were expected to arrive imminently, I needed to do something to relax, and Oscar was around to look after Albie for a couple of hours. It gave me a perfect window.
I put on one of Oscar’s caps in an attempt to disguise myself slightly. On the short walk, I thought of Aisha again. My heart lurched as I tried to imagine the pain she must be in; the betrayal she must be feeling, not only from Jason, but me too. We had become good friends in a short space of time and I missed her in my life. I had thought about contacting her, of course. But what could I have possibly said without making the situation worse? It would all have been so much easier if I hated her, but almost from the moment I met her, that had proved impossible.
I was just about to turn a
corner into the studio, when my phone vibrated. I thought about ignoring it – if it was Oscar asking something about Albie, he’d just have to cope – I really didn’t want to have to abort this mission. But when I saw who was calling, my stomach flipped and I stopped dead in my tracks.
‘Where is she? What have you done with her?’ Aisha’s voice screamed down the line, the second I answered. She sounded terror-stricken. Possessed. I wondered if she’d got the wrong number at first, she made no sense.
‘Aisha. It’s Lucy,’ I said, as calmly as possible. ‘Are you—’
‘I know who it fucking is!’ she cut me off. ‘What have you done with Joni?’ She was yelling loudly, hysterically; it was impossible not to shout back, just to be heard.
‘I don’t know what you’re talking about! Where is Joni? Are you okay?’
‘Of course I’m not okay. Do I sound it? Where is she?’
‘Listen, I’m not far away – I’ll come round.’
‘I’m calling the police!’ was the last thing I heard her shriek.
Chapter Forty-Four
Aisha
Seconds after hanging up on Lucy I heard the key turn in the lock. I took the stairs two at a time and as the door opened I almost collapsed at the sight of Jason standing there with Joni in the baby carrier. I hadn’t even noticed it was missing from the coat rack on the wall.
‘Thank God!’ I screeched, distraught.
Jason seemed nonplussed, as though this should have been a perfectly normal sight for me.
My arms automatically stretched out to reach for my baby. Joni was awake and her head turned in the carrier as she heard my voice. ‘Thank God, you’re okay, my baby girl!’ I tenderly caressed the top of her head, stroked her cheek, double-checked it was really her and she was safe. Of course it was her. Relief slowly began to wash through me. ‘Oh darling, thank goodness you are okay.’
Then I turned my attention to Jason, who was now looking shocked by my reaction to seeing him. ‘What the fuck were you thinking? Breaking in here and taking her like that?’
‘You didn’t see the note, then,’ he said, his calmness only accentuating my hysteria. ‘I got off work early. You were sound asleep, I rang on the doorbell but there was no answer, so I let myself in.’ I had almost forgotten he still had door keys. ‘I was early, so at first I assumed you were out and thought I’d wait for you here. When I came in, I heard Joni stirring in her cot, and saw you were fast asleep. So I left a note on the kitchen table and took her out for a walk. We’ve only been gone ten minutes, Aisha. I thought I was doing you a favour, letting you have some extra sleep.’
How dare he make me feel ridiculous with this rational explanation? Relief was now turning into anger. But it felt as though I wasn’t really here – that I was watching some other hysterical woman who was close to losing the plot. This couldn’t be me. This couldn’t have happened to my life. Could it?
Just then Lucy appeared behind him at the door. She was last person I wanted to see.
‘Is everything okay?’ she asked, looking at me. She could clearly see that Joni was here, with Jason.
I gaped at her. Where to begin?
Joni began to struggle in the carrier and my heart lurched for her. ‘Pass her to me,’ I ordered, as Jason obediently unclipped the carrier and loosened the straps so I could lift Joni’s wriggling body out. I pulled her free and held her tightly against my chest, breathing in the comforting scent of the top of her head. She gave a little hungry cry.
As I turned to take her upstairs, I looked at the two adults by the door. They looked forlorn, scared with shadows beneath their eyes and no spark. At least I now knew that neither of them were psychotic baby kidnappers on top of being adulterers. That was something. Fired up from the emotion of the last minutes, I took a deep breath and then it was as if an other-worldly power took hold. I decided that if anyone was going to ‘own’ this moment it was me. The moment had come and they both owed it to me to tell the truth.
‘Come in, both of you,’ I said. ‘It’s time to talk.’
Jason immediately went to the kitchen to make coffee and I set about heating up a bottle for Joni. I noticed small beads of sweat on his nose; he was nervous too. My hands suddenly felt clammy. For a second, seeing Jason standing there, back in our flat, as if things were normal, I felt conflicted. Part of me could have folded him into my arms and given him a big hug. Then my mind flashed to an image of him and Lucy in this very room and fury began to erupt.
Lucy stood in the doorway awkwardly. ‘Would you rather I leave?’ she asked timidly.
It was as though Jason had only just registered she was there. ‘What were you doing, Lucy?’ he asked, his voice unfriendly, accusatory.
‘I was going to yoga, when Aisha called me,’ she replied. ‘I was going to help her find—’
‘Not right now, I mean what were you doing in The Baby Group?’ he interrupted, sternly.
She paused, taking time to draw breath and consider her response. ‘The same as you,’ she replied. ‘Learning how to have a baby.’
‘What the fuck, Lucy?’ Jason was fidgety now, shifting his weight from foot to foot. He put a hand to his head and ran it through his hair nervously. ‘It’s not a time for sarcasm. Seriously – why did you have to mess everything up?’
Lucy scoffed loudly in response. ‘Are you joking?’
I took a second to gather my thoughts. I hadn’t planned for this moment to happen like this, in our kitchen. It was still so raw; for all of us.
‘Stop!’ I yelled. I lifted my head a little to study Jason’s face, to look into his wide, panic-stricken eyes. ‘If anyone should be angry right now, it’s me. Let’s go into the living room and talk like adults, while I feed Joni.’
Jason and I sat on the sofa, Lucy took the armchair and with Joni feeding in my arms, I took a deep breath and began. ‘Lucy, I need you to tell me everything,’ I said calmly.
‘Half of me wanted you to guess that Jason and I knew each other, to give you enough clues that you might realize something. And so many times I was on the verge of telling you. But then I panicked and backed off,’ she said. ‘I wanted it all to be out in the open, but I was terrified at the same time. I knew you would be devastated and I didn’t know what to do.’
‘But why did you spin me a story about Albie being an IVF baby?’
‘Because it’s true.’ She paused briefly to look at the side of Jason’s face, to see if he understood what she was saying. He was still scowling, but he was quiet; at least listening. Then she continued as if he was not in the room: ‘It was a really complicated time for me. I’ve never been able to fall pregnant, except for that time twenty years ago, when I aborted a baby at university. I suppose you know that part of the story.’ She paused and I nodded sagely as she continued. ‘Jason only told me that night – the night last September – that he knew about the abortion I’d had all that time ago. It hurt so much. Anyway, I underwent planned IVF the day after Jason and I spent the night together,’ she continued. ‘Using an embryo fertilised by an anonymous sperm donor.’ She glanced across at me. ‘Oscar and I were split up at the time. And that’s why I genuinely don’t know who Albie’s father is – the sperm donor, or Jason. Aisha, I want you to know that I had not seen Jason prior to that night, or after.’ Lucy continued; though her eyes were red, she was doing a good job of holding things together: ‘There was no affair. We were both drunk. I was in a bad place. You don’t deserve this and I am so sorry. Whatever happens with the result, I won’t be bothering you again.’
‘What about Oscar?’ I asked. ‘Does he know?’
‘We only got together properly during my second trimester,’ she explained, ‘and before then, he had made it clear he didn’t want another child. He already has two from a previous relationship – he’s been married before, as you know. But then he changed his mind. I told you all this, and it’s true. And yes, I’ve told him everything about Jason now.’ She began to cry, and they were not crocodile tears,
I could see the pain in her eyes. ‘I’m so sorry,’ she said, holding her head in her hands.
Adrenalin had pulsed through me as I listened to Lucy’s explanation, but now I felt more in control, I almost pitied her, as well as felt relieved that her story matched Jason’s account. Lucy and I had become what I thought of as good friends over the past few months and although I held Jason completely accountable for his actions, there were two people involved in this awful situation, so it didn’t seem fair that she shouldn’t have to ever look me in the eye and explain herself.
Lucy had put her coat on and was about to leave, when she picked up her phone and looked at it. Her expression changed. At first I thought Oscar must have been calling, wondering where she was.
She spoke in a calm, low voice: ‘The results are here.’
Chapter Forty-Five
Aisha
January 2022, the following year
After discovering the test result, Jason and I lived apart for over five months as we tried to come to terms with what had happened. He came to the flat every weekend, to spend time with Joni.
‘Do you think we can ever be happy again?’ he asked me one evening, in the living room, after we had poured out our hearts again.
‘I don’t know,’ I sighed. I wanted to say that I hoped so, but something seismic had shifted and I needed longer to decide if I could trust him again.
Jason had gathered some more clothes into a suitcase and as he left to go back to his sister’s for an as yet ‘undefined amount of time’, he looked at me, clearly building up to say something. I waited.
