by Rosie Nixon
‘Bloody hell. You never can tell about people,’ she had said, adding a shocked emoji.
Thankfully she didn’t probe me today, when I simply beamed and said, honestly: ‘Yes, we are great.’ I even resisted asking her if Lucy was coming, because I didn’t want to appear insecure.
‘Joni is absolutely gorgeous,’ Susie smiled.
‘Gorgeous and full of attitude,’ I replied.
‘Isn’t every sixteen-month old?’ she looked across at Charlie who was sat down using a stick to dig a hole next to the tree, covering his smart little chinos in mud. ‘Oh Charlie, really?’ she shouted over. ‘Is it too much to stay smart for just one day?’
‘Don’t worry, Joni will be joining him shortly,’ I chuckled. ‘Anyway, I brought you this, for Charlie’s bedroom.’ I handed her a brown A5 hard-backed envelope.
‘Ooh, is it what I hope it is?’ she asked, her eyes shining excitedly. ‘Is it an Aisha original?’ She’d always had such a warm and enthusiastic personality.
Carefully she teased the envelope open and pulled out the artwork inside. It was a pencil sketch of her holding a baby Charlie. I’d found the photo on my phone, I had taken it on one of our trips to the French café on the edge of the common, not far from where we were standing today. I had caught such a sweet moment as Susie, although so tired, sat gazing at her tiny boy with such utter love and pride, as he stared back up at her, his tiny hand in the air.
‘Oh it’s beautiful!’ she exclaimed, throwing her arms around me, ‘I love it. You’re so clever, we’ll treasure this forever.’
‘I’m so pleased! The frame will be arriving in a few days, in the post. I didn’t quite get my act…’ My voice trailed off and my heart twisted as I recognized the couple striding towards us.
Chapter Forty-Nine
Lucy
When the Naming Day came around, considering everything that had happened, I felt oddly calm. I was ready to draw a line under the past; to achieve closure. Oscar reached for my hand and I took it as we walked purposefully towards the tree on the common.
It felt funny being back on our old turf and, although Kingston wasn’t so far away, this was the first time we’d come back to Clapham since the move. It was all so familiar, yet distant at the same time.
As we got closer, I slowed my pace. I felt my heart rate quicken and palms moisten. I was reminded of how I’d spotted Jason and Aisha near this very spot on the common on that terrible day. I felt nervous. We were running late, and it meant that everyone was already gathered. I felt like we were ‘making an entrance’. I had let Susie know that we were hoping to drop by, but wouldn’t stay long, we would just make a flying visit – I didn’t want to commit to staying for the whole day in case we decided against it or the atmosphere was awkward. There was still time to change our mind.
I peered across and thought I could see Lin stood talking to an older man in a beige suit: probably the celebrant, as he then seemed to try to gather everyone together. There was a group of children of various ages and sizes yelling and chasing each other around the tree. One of them was probably Charlie, although I would be unlikely to spot him in a line-up; he was just a baby the last time I saw him. Then I noticed a fair-haired couple, with a little blonde girl toddling alongside them in a pretty dress and T-bar shoes – the mother looked pregnant. It was Helen, Ian and Maddie.
Back at the tree a crowd was gathering; Will and Christian plus their son Leo were easy to spot by their height and good looks. Leo was so tall, easily a head and shoulders on Albie. He was a stunning child with wild, curly hair. I strained to focus on some of the other faces.
Were Aisha and Jason there already? Where were they?
Without being conscious of it, my pace had slowed to little more than a crawl. Suddenly, Albie, who had been holding my hand and chattering non-stop about trains, stopped dead in his tracks.
‘Mama – look – ‘copter!’ he squealed, pointing to the sky above us.
‘Yes, darling, you’re right, a helicopter!’ I enthused, scooping him up.
I was glad to have a moment to stop, to collect myself.
I stole a moment to look across at the tree again, squinting as I tried to confirm the identity of more of the people gathering there. A few were hugging each other, and there were pats on the back and air kisses as they stood in groups of two or three to chat, the children playing around them. Many of them we didn’t know.
Then I spotted Aisha, it was definitely her. She was standing with Susie, and Jason was nearby, swinging Joni between his legs. They looked really happy.
Did we really want to go through with this?
Oscar seemed to read my mind. He touched my arm. ‘Oh no – the salad! We’ve left it in the car,’ he said. ‘I’ll dash back and—’
‘No point,’ I interjected. ‘I left it in the fridge. It felt too much, I’d feel embarrassed. The salad was a stupid idea, it reminds me too much of…’ My voice trailed off into nothingness. We both knew what I meant – the fact I’d been so keen to make an impression at The Baby Group. My mind went back to that first morning and the effort I had put into preparing that squash and pine nut salad; into all of those over-the-top salads for the group. It seemed ridiculous now.
‘Okay, deep breath time,’ he said, taking my hand firmly. ‘We can do this. We’re a great team.’
Oscar squeezed my fingers and the three of us strode towards the group, our wide steps belying the butterflies in my stomach. Albie ran ahead, not thinking of anything other than the fact he’d spotted a big pile of brightly coloured bunting to play with.
‘Just a brief hello, we’ll stay for the ceremony and then go,’ Oscar said.
As we approached the group, Susie spotted us and came over.
‘Lucy, you came! It’s really lovely to see you,’ she exclaimed warmly. She had a red sun dress on.
‘This colour looks great on you,’ I told her.
My mind wandered back to that first Baby Group when I was hiding the biggest secret. The weight of it just as heavy as the nearly full-term baby inside me.
Helen came over to join us and I congratulated her on her obvious bump.
‘It’s very different, this pregnancy, not half as relaxing as the first time around,’ she said. ‘If only we were able to appreciate that at the time.’
I smiled in response. I had felt anything but relaxed during my pregnancy with Albie.
Sensing she may have unwittingly hit a nerve, she continued, ‘So have you got your publishing deal for a cookbook yet?’
‘Not yet,’ I said. ‘Even cooking has taken a back seat recently. These toddlers, they keep us too busy!’
I looked around to see where Oscar had got to with Albie and noticed Aisha, standing with Ian, Jason and Joni nearby. She paused and we locked eyes briefly. In that penetrating moment, her gaze upon my face, I wondered if she had received the note I posted through her door the day after the results came. Her face softened and the corners of her mouth turned up. I smiled back. In any other life I felt sure we could have been great friends.
Jason looked my way too, his green eyes shining as brightly as hers. They made such a strikingly handsome couple. He raised his hand to me in brief acknowledgement. It wasn’t an overly enthusiastic gesture, but it was friendly. An olive branch for sure. In that moment, he acknowledged everything that had been between us and the child we once conceived. The baby I lost over twenty years ago, but only mentally laid to rest recently.
It struck me how we were two people who had shared so much, but also so little. I realized that for all those years, I thought I was so in love with him, but really it was just the idea of being in love with him that I was so obsessed with. Jason was my first taste of love – but he was only a tiny sample of the love that was to come.
For so long I had ached to know whether I meant something to him – even if it was just the smallest amount, knowing this would have given me some comfort, closure. But I didn’t need to know now.
I cautiously smiled back, but w
as glad when Oscar returned to my side. I instinctively reached for his hand.
Oscar and I stayed for the ceremony and then Albie, becoming irritable because he needed his nap, gave us a reason to make a quick and quiet exit.
‘Nice enough bunch, but I’m not sure I particularly want to stay friends,’ he said.
‘Know what you mean,’ I added.
‘Anyway, Lucy Raven, you didn’t think I’d forgotten it’s your birthday, next weekend, did you? I figured we probably wouldn’t last long this afternoon, if we made it at all, so I took the liberty of making some plans on your behalf. To get the celebrations started.’
‘You? Make plans?’ I looked aghast, as he dropped this bombshell.
‘We’re going for a drink at our old local, the one we used to sneak kisses in, when we were dating. And we know we won’t bump into anyone we don’t want to because they’re all here.’ He threw a cursory glance over his shoulder. ‘We’re meeting the babysitter at the pub – my Evie is going to take Albie home, so I can escort you to dinner. And then, next weekend, well let’s just say you’ll need to pack a bag because I’m whisking you away for a night. See, I do have some secretarial skills, you know,’ he smiled, even more broadly.
The little dimple that sometimes appeared on his cheek came out to play. He looked cute, in a black T-shirt and turned up jeans. I craned my neck and he lowered his lips towards mine.
‘Do you love me?’ he asked, just before our lips met.
‘I love you,’ I told him. ‘I love you so much.’
And it was true. I loved Oscar more than I’d ever loved anyone.
‘And Albie of course,’ I added, beaming.
Albie chose that moment to fight me for his attention.
‘Carry, Daddy! Carry!’ he called, appearing between us and lifting his arms up to Oscar, demanding to be scooped up. Oscar reached down and whisked the little boy high into the air.
Although we had decided that marriage wasn’t for us, not right now anyway, Oscar had been amazing, considering all we had been through.
Although I didn’t know who Albie’s biological dad was, and I might never know, unless Albie wanted to find his anonymous donor one day, Oscar really was Albie’s father, in every other sense.
Oscar had taught me that love was rarely perfect – and that nobody was perfect; that was, until you fell in love with them. He had won my heart completely and, now that I believed he was here to stay, I had given myself permission to be happy.
‘Shoulder ride you want, young man?’ he asked Albie.
He was met with a beaming smile and enthusiastic shriek: ‘Yeah Daddy! Yeah!’
A dimple appeared on Albie’s cheek as he smiled. It struck me that he and Oscar had plenty of similarities.
‘Here goes then.’ And he carefully lifted the child behind his head.
‘Look, Albie high!’ the boy cried, as he sat upright, taller than us both on Oscar’s shoulders, his small hands gripping the top of his head. ‘Albie high, Mama!’
‘You’re the king of the castle!’ I declared, his laughter so infectious.
Oscar began running back towards our car with the little boy bouncing on his shoulders, screaming with delight and excited giggles.
I watched them as they became silhouetted by the sun. I couldn’t wipe the smile from my face, my love for them was so huge.
Chapter Fifty
Aisha
When Lucy and I had caught each other’s eye, I had felt wistful for a moment, reflecting on the camaraderie our Baby Group had shared. It had been such a bonding experience; we had invested a lot in our relationships, but for such a short amount of time. It was quite odd really – we had been living in a pregnancy and baby bubble; a parallel world of milk-drunk babies and sleep deprivation.
But although Lucy and I had become fast friends, I had always felt she was keeping something back, as though she’d been in possession of a box of secrets she hadn’t decided whether to let me look into. Occasionally snippets had escaped, only for her to have slammed the box shut and locked it up again. How right I had been.
After the ceremony, Susie caught me daydreaming.
‘You okay?’ she asked. She intimated towards Lucy and Oscar, who had already turned their backs to us and were walking away with Albie. ‘I really didn’t think they would come.’
‘It’s fine,’ I replied. ‘I made peace with it all a while ago. And they weren’t all bad, those Baby Group days. I have some fond – if slightly foggy – memories.’ I smiled.
‘Me too. Thank you for being such a great friend to me. I remember so vividly that afternoon you rescued me from Boots during that horrific colic phase he had.’ She shuddered. ‘So much for my plans to be an “Earth Mother” – they went out of the window in week one!’
‘Ah, the colic era. It was, I recall, the time of the poo-mageddons for me!’ I giggled. ‘There was one day when I had to change Joni’s whole outfit five times. I mean what was in my breast milk? And God, do you remember when I accidentally fake-tanned her cheek and almost got arrested by the health visitor?’
Susie clutched her belly as she laughed. ‘Why people do it twice, I don’t know,’ she chuckled.
She must have noticed my cheeks colour slightly when she made that comment because she stopped and gave me a curious look.
I fiddled with a button on my dress. She clocked me.
‘Aisha, are you trying to tell me something?’
‘I’m not meant to say anything… It’s still early,’ I whispered. Susie’s eyes widened. ‘But yes, there is another one on the way… due mid-February. Utter madness, I know. Don’t tell anyone!’
‘You crazy woman!’ she teased, before putting an arm around my waist and whispering into my ear: ‘I’m thrilled for you, for all three of you, I really am. You’re an amazing mother. A complete natural.’
I looked across at Jason, who was engaged in a competition with Ian to see who could swing their daughter highest. He was holding Joni under her arms, whooshing her upwards, like she was as light as a blade of grass as she shrieked with delight. I thought how lucky I was. He had been a changed man since we got the result – that he was not Albie’s father. There was a joy and a lightness about him that I hadn’t witnessed in a long time.
Now we had moved out of London and had a much better work/life balance, there was actually time to communicate properly in the evenings, and we tried to keep the weekends clear for family time. I mean, there were still software updates, you can’t have it all, but at least they didn’t occur almost every week like they once used to.
Looking back, I always had a feeling that I didn’t have full ownership of Jason; that a bit of him had belonged to someone else. But I didn’t think that any more.
At that moment Jason’s gaze went from Joni’s face to mine. He stopped tickling her and our eyes locked. I moved my hands across my stomach instinctively and thought about the second little bean growing in there. He smiled into my eyes and said everything he needed to say in one look.
Acknowledgements
Just Between Friends has been an epic three-year passion project with a number of twists and turns in the writing process which, ultimately, have led it to become a very different novel to my previous two, and one I feel really proud of. It wouldn’t have come this far without the valued contributions from the talented, supportive team at HQ Stories: Lisa Milton and my editors Charlotte Mursell and Cicely Aspinall, thank you so much for your continued encouragement to keep pushing and pushing for the best possible plot. Yes it does feel like I have given birth a couple of times over, but the end prize is so worth it!
Also thanks to Jenny Savill for always championing me; Dr. Stuart Lavery for speaking to me about the IVF process; JmStorm for the perfect quote; so many of my friends for your anecdotes – we did have a lot of laughs looking back fondly on those days of baby groups, coping with a new-born and the madness of sleep deprivation.
Thank you to Callum, Heath and Rex, my three leading men,
who gave me so much support to write this novel, even when it meant nights away from home burning the midnight oil. I am so deeply grateful for your encouragement and nurturing of my love of writing and I am inspired to see budding writers in you. Plus, as ever, I am so thankful to my parents, to whom this novel is dedicated.
And finally, I would like to thank Amy, Barbara, Corinne, Fede, Jemima, Natalie, Nicola, and Tanya – the eight wonderful women in my NCT Group. I have such happy memories of 2014, our first summer as mothers, but I want to assure you there were no huge secrets kept between us, and the characters of Aisha, Lucy and all of my Baby Group members, are not based on you or your other halves! But the ‘poo-mageddon’ episode, some of the baby group classes (Moo-ing), colic dramas and the copious amounts of coffee consumed in various Clapham cafes before pounding the common with our prams, might sound a little familiar and are remembered with great affection. Thank you for sharing such a special time with me; your support and friendship in the final stages of pregnancy and early months of motherhood and beyond, means so much and will never be forgotten. Especially now there’s a book documenting some of it. I hope this novel makes you smile.
If you enjoyed Just Between Friends, don’t miss Rosie Nixon’s fabulous first novel The Stylist
The Stylist is available now!
About the Publisher
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