She caught herself just in time, before she said something or did something that would’ve tipped her hand to how she was feeling. How, for the first time in all those years, her heart felt like it was finally home. Walls, she ordered herself. We’re not fifteen. She stood a little straighter and walked toward him. “Nolan.”
“Ellie . . .” He looked like he couldn’t decide whether to run to her or stop and drink in the sight of her.
She came all the way to him. His skin was dry. Clearly, he’d been letting John do most of the playing.
“You know each other?” John came a few steps closer. He looked like he was facing Christmas morning.
“We do.” Nolan kept his eyes on Ellie. “It’s been a long time.”
She didn’t turn away, either. Her words came slow and measured. “We were fifteen last time we saw each other.”
“Wow.” John’s mouth hung open. “That’s a long time ago.”
“I have an idea.” Nolan turned to John and passed him the ball. “How ’bout you go to that hoop over there and make a hundred free throws.” He winked at John. “Would you mind, buddy?”
“Sure.” John grinned. He dribbled to the far end of the court, and like that Ellie and Nolan were alone.
“Why?” Nolan’s voice was pained, beyond hurt. He searched her eyes more deeply. “Why didn’t you want to see me?”
“I’m sorry.” Keep the walls up, Ellie. You can do this. “It’s complicated.” Ten minutes. She would talk for ten minutes, then take John and leave.
“Ellie . . . it’s me.” He reached for her hand. “What’s wrong?”
The feel of his fingers around hers sent electricity through her body. His skin against hers. Nolan Cook, standing in front of her, holding her hand. Breathe . . . you have to breathe. How could she keep her distance if their brief reunion began this way?
“Talk to me.” He moved a few inches closer, his eyes never leaving hers. “Please, Ellie. What happened?”
“I’m fine.” She stood a little taller, using all her strength to appear sensible, in control. “Nolan . . . it isn’t anything personal.”
He looked almost frantic. “I said . . . this is me.” Almost without moving, he came still closer. He kept his voice low, though John was too far away to hear them. “Why are you doing this?”
“I have to say something.” She gave his hand the gentlest squeeze. “I’m sorry about your dad. I didn’t know until a few years ago. I’m so sorry, Nolan.” She felt him take her other hand. The feeling was heaven. Hurry, Ellie, get out of here. Don’t let your heart go.
“Thank you.” He ran his thumbs along hers. “I miss him still. Every day.” For a few seconds, it looked like he might add that he missed her, too. Instead, he narrowed his eyes. “You’re so . . . so completely beautiful, Ellie.”
“Thank you.” Her cheeks felt hot, her heart basking beneath the attraction he still had for her. How was this happening? When she was sure he’d forgotten her?
“But,” his eyes still held hers, still searched deep inside her soul, “you’re not the same.”
She smiled, and she could feel how forced it must have looked. “No. I’m not.” This was her moment. If she didn’t say it now, she might never have the chance. He would understand better as soon as she got the words out.
“Why, Ellie? Talk to me.”
Somehow, the warmth of his hands made her hesitate. As if she could hold on to this feeling, memorize it, and pretend they were fifteen again. One last time.
“Is there . . . someone else?” He ran his thumb over her ring finger. “It’s the first thing I noticed. You’re not married.”
“I’m not.” Say it, Ellie. Her determination was fading. She had no choice. Stay strong. Get it over with. She wouldn’t deny Kinzie. Not even here, with Nolan Cook. “Things are different.” A strange mix of joy and sorrow colored her tone. “I’m a mom now. My little girl . . . she’s six.”
His expression softened the moment her words were out. “I’m . . . sorry. I didn’t know.”
Suddenly Ellie felt strange holding hands with him. What they’d had was over. It had been over for a long time. Ellie eased her fingers free and crossed her arms. His apology grated on her soul. Already he pitied her. “Don’t be sorry. She’s wonderful.”
“I didn’t mean it like that. I just . . . I didn’t realize.” His voice trailed off, but his eyes remained kind. Maybe more than before.
Ellie felt sick to her stomach. “Don’t do that.”
“What?”
“That look.” She took a step back. Her anger brought her back to reality in a hurry. “Don’t feel sorry for me.”
“I’m not.” He was frustrated, no question. “If you’re happy, then I’m happy. I’m sure she’s beautiful. How could she not be?” He looked across the court at John. “I was thinking about her dad. Whether maybe you were living with him. Or if you were divorced.”
“I never married.” Ellie thought about his words, and she took a step back. “You thought I’d just live with someone?”
“Ellie.” His stare cut through her. “That’s not fair.”
He was right. She had a child, after all. She hadn’t waited until she was married, like she had planned to do when she was fifteen. “Okay.” She found a hint of the polished smile once more, the one that wouldn’t let him get anywhere near her heart. “But you get it. See, Nolan? Our lives are different now.” She didn’t waver, didn’t look away. He needed to really hear her. “I’m happy for you. Your success. Your dreams.” She allowed her sincerity to show. “You did it all.”
“You make it sound like you’re done. Like we’re finished talking.” He looked baffled, as if she were speaking Russian. “Ellie, tell me about it. About your daughter and your life.”
“It’s not what I planned, but it’s good. Just different. That’s all.” She took another step away from him and looked over her shoulder at her brother. “John, we need to go.” Again she smiled at Nolan. “I can’t stay. I promised my daughter we’d make cookies tonight.”
“You can’t be serious.” His words were more shocked than angry. “I spend a decade looking for you, and this is all I get? A few quick lines? Like I’m some acquaintance you barely know?” He closed the distance between them. “Ellie, I haven’t changed. I want to know about your life, your past.”
She looked at him for a long time. “No, you don’t.” They were out of time. Run, Ellie. Don’t let him close. He wouldn’t want her, not after he had time to comprehend how she’d changed. If she didn’t leave now, she might fall for him again. And when he knew her whole story, when he politely moved on, her heart would never heal. She couldn’t stand here waiting for that to happen. Run now . . . go! The rest of her answer came slowly. “Really, Nolan, just let it be.” She put her hand on his arm and hesitated. Everything in her wanted to hug him, feel his arms around her.
Especially standing this close.
“I have to go.” She held up her hand, waving to him as she walked away. “It was good seeing you, Nolan. Really.”
John was out of breath when he met her near the half-court line. He looked from Ellie to Nolan and back. “We have to go?”
“We do.” Ellie barely knew the child, but she felt a connection. It was another loss that she hadn’t calculated. The fact that she never knew her brother until now.
John looked at Nolan. “Wanna come? I mean . . . if you want a snack or something back at the house.”
Ellie could feel it again. Nolan’s eyes on hers. She couldn’t stop herself from looking at him one more time. “Nolan’s busy.”
“That’s true.” Nolan looked like he was fighting tears, and once more his eyes stayed locked on hers. “Maybe some other time.” He tore himself away from her long enough to smile at John. “Next time I’m in town, I’ll call, okay?”
“Okay.” John couldn’t have looked happier. “See you then.” He dribbled his ball toward the door.
“You can’t run, Ellie.” Nolan lo
oked at her once more. His eyes could still find their way through her walls. “I’ll find you again.”
“It’s too late.” Her whisper proved she couldn’t last much longer. She could already feel her tears. “Good-bye, Nolan.”
She didn’t stay around to argue. There was no debating where the two of them went from here. They were two old friends who no longer stood on common ground.
Her tears came before she reached the door, so she didn’t look back. That was the thing about Nolan Cook. Now that she’d seen him, she couldn’t look back. Not ever. And as she walked alongside John to her car, as she listened to him chatter about the thrill of getting advice from Nolan, she assured herself she’d done the right thing.
Nolan might seem interested and not completely shocked by the fact that she had a child. But the truth came from what he hadn’t said. He hadn’t brought up the one thing that would prove he still cared, the one thing that would make her believe he still longed for yesterday.
The fact that tomorrow was June first.
Nolan wanted to run after her, but this wasn’t the time.
Ellie was crazy if she thought he was giving up this easily. Quitting wasn’t in him. Not on the basketball court, not in life. And not when it came to Ellie Tucker. He sat on the edge of the nearest bench and hung his head. Her daughter wasn’t the issue. Nolan could sense it. Something else was wrong, something she wasn’t saying. Maybe she was still involved with her daughter’s father. Still in love with him.
His heart hurt at the possibility. That had to be it.
Even so, he wasn’t moving on until he did the one thing he had come to do. If she didn’t show up, fine. But if she was remotely the same Ellie he had looked for and longed for and loved all these years, then they had at least one more meeting. He looked for a long time across the court at the bleachers, at the place where a pixie-faced Ellie would cheer for him like her life depended on it. He had never felt so desperate in all his life.
Help me, God. . . . Seeing her again . . . it only confirmed how I feel. I need to talk to her. So what is it? What’s happened to her heart?
Be still, my son. Be still, and know that I am God. I will never leave you nor forsake you.
The answer came from his Bible reading that morning. But in that moment they didn’t seem like thoughts in his head. Alone in the gym where he’d grown up, where his father had taught him the game, God might as well have been standing across from him. The words were that powerful. Nolan checked the time on his phone—8:37. He had a little over three hours.
June 1st started at midnight, after all.
No matter what Ellie said or how strangely she was acting, when midnight hit, there was only one place he could be. He stood and dribbled the ball to the opposite basket, left-side three-point line. Focus, Cook. You gotta focus. He took aim and shot. The ball went through the net so cleanly it never even touched the rim.
For you, Dad. He pointed up, jogged to the door, flipped off the lights, and locked up behind himself. He would head back to the hotel and order room service. Lots of it. Then he would head to the all-night Walmart and get a small shovel, a sweatshirt, bug spray, and a blanket. And a little before midnight, he would set up camp for the next twenty-four hours. As long as the calendar said June first there was only one place he would be.
Gordonston Park.
Caroline had toyed with the idea ever since Ellie left. Kinzie had kept her busy while they made cookie dough, but the first batch was in the oven and Ellie and John still weren’t home. Now she was practically compelled to take action. Alan had written the letter from a full heart, a repentant heart.
His letter hadn’t brought about her forgiveness. She had forgiven the man she was still married to a long time ago. The week he moved away. It was either that or let the brokenness destroy her. Very simply, God had forgiven her, an unfaithful woman. Amazing grace was something Caroline knew personally. The only right response for the rest of her life was to extend that grace to others, to forgive the way she had been forgiven.
Kinzie was washing her hands, so Caroline opened the drawer next to the silverware in the kitchen and pulled out Alan’s letter. She had prayed about reconciliation for so long, but always the prayer was for her and Ellie. Not for her husband. The man she assumed hated her.
His letter cracked the door open to all sorts of possibilities. Or maybe that was only her optimism. Either way, Ellie belonged to both of them. Kinzie, too. The situation with Ellie and Nolan was serious enough that the call was warranted. Especially now. She picked up her cell phone and dialed the number Alan had provided in his letter.
Her husband—the man she hadn’t spoken with in over a decade—picked up just before the call went to voice mail. “Hello?”
“Hello?” Her voice trembled. “Alan?”
“Yes.” He hesitated. It was after six o’clock there, and he sounded winded, like he might have just gotten home. Still, his tone told her he was listening. “Caroline?”
“It’s me.” She closed her eyes. Hearing his voice took her back to the beginning. Back when she was sure love would live forever. “I’m sorry for calling like this. I got your letter. We . . . can talk later.” She rested her head in her hands. “I’m calling about Ellie.”
“What about her?” The concern in his voice reminded her of the old Alan. “Is she okay?”
“Nolan found her. He still cares for her, it’s obvious.” She rushed ahead, not sure she was making sense. “But Ellie doesn’t want to see him.” Tears filled her eyes and the sadness spilled into her voice. “Our problems . . . they’ve cost her so much, and I just thought . . . I mean, you said you’d found a closer walk with God, so I figured . . . maybe if we both prayed for her.”
“Definitely.” Alan’s hesitation didn’t last long. “Go ahead, Caroline. I’ll finish.”
And with that, Caroline and Alan did something they hadn’t done together since Ellie was very young.
They prayed for her.
Chapter Twenty-seven
In the end, Ellie decided she didn’t need to wait until the first of June had passed. Her dream of seeing Nolan in Gordonston Park was over. He clearly hadn’t remembered the date or that this was the year. He might’ve forgotten entirely about the tackle box beneath the oak tree. Otherwise he would’ve said something.
It was okay. She wasn’t upset with him. She would remember the feel of Nolan’s hand in hers forever, but she was ready to move on. She had a plan now. She would go back to San Diego, wrap up her life, and pack her things. She would rent a U-Haul and move to Savannah as fast as she could. She still didn’t like the idea of her dad living alone. But maybe someday he’d find his way back here, too.
Her mother loved her after all. San Diego could never be home now that she knew the truth. She had her mom, and Kinzie had a grandma. Nothing else mattered. Yes, she would miss Tina, but her friend would find another roommate. Maybe someday Tina and Tiara would come visit. But whether they did or not, Ellie couldn’t worry. Savannah was her home.
Her mom stood a few feet away sipping a cup of tea. Watching Ellie. “You’re sure you want to leave now? It’s three in the morning, Ellie.”
Ellie zipped her bag the rest of the way and moved it near the door. Kinzie lay asleep on the couch. “She won’t wake up until we get to Birmingham. We can have breakfast and make it to Dallas before tomorrow night.” She went to her mom and smiled. “It’ll cut a day off the trip.”
“And make for a sixteen-hour drive before you get any sleep.”
“Don’t worry.” Ellie hugged her tenderly, careful not to spill her mother’s tea. “I’m wide awake. I can do this.”
“Tell me your time frame again?” Her concern remained.
“I’ll get back to San Diego late on the third, work another two weeks, and give notice. Collect my last paycheck and get my things together. That’ll give Tina a month to find a new roommate.”
“She’ll be okay with that?”
“I texted her ear
lier. She’s happy for me.” Ellie hoped her smile would ease her mother’s fears.
“Okay.” Her mom put her hand alongside her face. “I can’t wait till you get back.”
“Me, either.” She hugged her mom and held her gaze, grateful again that they’d found each other. “Don’t worry. I’ll be safe.” Her joy was genuine. Never mind the date or the disappointment with Nolan. What she’d found with her mom was more than she could’ve imagined.
“Do me one favor, Ellie, please. With all this driving.”
“Okay.” It had been so long since anyone cared whether she came or went, whether she arrived safely or not. She took her mom’s hands and looked deep into her eyes. “What would you like me to do?”
“Pray.” Her mom’s eyes, her smile—they were the way Ellie remembered them, the way they’d been before Peyton Anders. “Ask God to make Himself known to you. He doesn’t mind when we ask Him things like that. Please.”
Ellie nodded slowly. “Okay.” She thought for a moment. Faith had helped her mother survive. It had given her a quiet strength, the same one Kinzie carried with her. Ellie might not believe, but she respected the fact that they did. “I’ll ask Him. Really.”
“Thank you.” Her mom leaned in and softly kissed her cheek. “I’ll help you get Kinzie.”
Moving quietly, Ellie brought their bags to the back of the car while her mom woke up Kinzie and took her to the bathroom. Together they helped the girl to the car and belted her into the backseat. She looked so little, sleeping there.
“She’s an angel.” Her mom leaned into the car and kissed the top of Kinzie’s head. Then she stood and took Ellie’s hands. They kept their voices to a whisper. “I can’t think about the years we missed.”
“No.” Ellie’s eyes teared up. They walked around to the driver’s door, and she leaned against it, facing her mom. She hated leaving so soon. But now that she’d found her way home, she couldn’t wait to be back for good. “Let’s only think about the ones we have ahead.”
The Chance: A Novel Page 24
