Walking to the sink in the kitchen, the liquid fell out in a smooth stream as he started to pour the beer down the sink. Why couldn’t his life go smoothly? He had no taste for anything now. He felt like throwing up the last beer. His heart had been wounded when she turned him down three months ago. Now his heart felt like a mangled piece of meat torn up from a grinder.
She hated him. Hardly any of her other words penetrated through his thick skull because those other damaging words kept repeating themselves. I hate you, Ben. Yeah, he hated himself. Why did he speak to her that way?
Gripping the edge of the counter, his fingers pressed painfully into the steel sink. He had no idea how to deal with this sort of pain. He dated quite a few women, his longest relationship two years. They both instinctively knew marriage wasn’t in their future, so they broke it off. The feeling of losing his girlfriend of two years compared nothing to this feeling of losing Rina before he even had a chance to have her.
Desire rippled throughout his body as a small hand clasped his shoulder. Her tiny voice, sweet like fresh rain, tore at his heart. As usual. “I’m sorry, Ben. Please don’t hate me.”
He slowly turned around, her hand falling to her side. The counter dug into his back as he slumped against it. “I never said I hated you, Rina. You’re the one who said those words to me.”
She frowned as she took a step back.
Now she needed space from him. Did she truly believe he would hurt her? “I’ve never met anyone who could slice me into two without raising one part of her voice. Your soft words, the things you say in general, always manage to come out as if you’re yelling, putting a person in their place. I would never hurt you, no matter what you said or did to me.”
Her face fell into agony. “I don’t do relationships well. I rarely date. It’s best I don’t. I didn’t mean to say those words. Honestly, Ben, I’m sorry for ever saying that. Please believe me. I know you’d never hurt me.”
What did she mean, it’s best I don’t?
The anguish written on her face made him want to wrap her up into his arms and kiss the daylights out of her. Her hands trembled by her sides. Why did it still look like she thought he’d hurt her?
“Let’s just move on, Rina. Now that Zeke and Zoe know, they’ll quit bugging me to ask you out. No hard feelings.”
She hesitated before saying, “I’m sorry for knocking on your door so late. It won’t happen again.”
“No worries. I apologize for getting upset and speaking to you the way I did. I’ll walk you out.” He gestured for her to lead the way.
She had to leave. Now. Each minute that ticked by made him want to throw caution to the wind and pull her into his arms. She stood close to him as they walked to the door, the tantalizing scent of vanilla wafting to his nose. He wanted to get closer to find where the smell originated from. Her neck? Her hair? Her mouth? She smelled so sweet.
As they approached the door, she reached for the doorknob first. His heart dipped to the floor as she started to turn the knob. Watching her leave wasn’t something he was fond of. What he wouldn’t give to change this all to his favor. But that would never happen.
Her hand suddenly stiffened. She turned around with one hand still gripping the knob behind her back. “I’m so sorry, Ben. I said I can’t date you. It doesn’t mean I don’t want to.”
Her face bloomed a deep red. His eyes flared as he took a few steps toward her, leaving barely an inch between their bodies.
“Do you enjoy messing with my heart, Rina?”
Her eyes zoomed to his lips. “No.”
“Then why would you say I’m not right for you, and in another breath, say you want to date me but can’t. What am I missing here? When I ask a woman out, it should be a simple yes or no.”
“Nothing in my life is simple. I always wanted a simple life.”
“I always thought you had a simple life. What’s wrong? You know I will always help you.” He boxed her in further by putting his hands, one on each side of the door, near her head.
“You can’t help me, Ben,” she whispered with a desperation that scared him.
“I really hate the word can’t every time it leaves your mouth. Because, damn it, I can help you. If you’re in trouble, I need to know.” His voice held no arguments, just a demand she tell him the truth.
“I should go. Can you move?”
Leaning closer, he finally saw it, something he missed every time he spoke to her. A flame of desire.
His mouth brushed her lips. “No, I can’t.”
He closed the distance, moving his lips tenderly across hers. She barely moved as he removed his hands from the door and cradled her cheeks. That movement made her shiver, bringing her even closer, almost molding into his body. Her mouth opened wider and his tongue dove in.
A sweet burst of chocolate attacked his senses. She tasted divine. She felt divine. Why would she lie to him? She felt perfect in his arms. Now he knew she couldn’t resist him.
Slowly, she curled her arms around his neck, every inch of her body pressed against his as the kiss deepened into new territory. He couldn’t get enough of her. The kissed turned harder, deeper. His aching heat begged to touch her more intimately, yet he knew this couldn’t go much further. The only problem was his body didn’t agree as he pushed into her.
She tore her mouth away, pushing lightly against his chest. “No, Ben, stop.”
He backed away immediately. A small amount of fear mixed with desire poured from her eyes. “I’d never hurt you, Rina.”
She pressed a tender hand to his chest as if she still needed some sort of connection with him. “It’s just…too much, too soon.”
He placed a hand over hers and lightly rubbed with his thumb. “Does that mean I have a chance? Will you go out with me?”
She bit her lip as she grimaced. “I can’t.”
He stepped away, letting her hand drop from his chest. “This makes absolutely no sense. You fit perfectly in my arms. You belong in my arms. Can you honestly tell me you felt nothing? Was that nothing to you? Why do you keep saying you can’t?”
“I’m sorry.”
Before he could stop her, get a reason why she refused to give in, she pulled open the door and fled to her car. He watched as she drove away, taking his heart with her. He should’ve never kissed her. Now he knew what she tasted like. He’d never get that taste out of his system. She had ruined him for life.
***
Rina wiped the tears with one hand as the other tried to keep the steering wheel steady.
Dumb! Her entire behavior tonight had been utterly ridiculous. How had she honestly expected to confront Ben like that and not fall into his charm? She could never resist him. His sweet, innocent charm.
She lied to him. Just as she kept lying to herself. It wasn’t that she didn’t want to date him. It was she couldn’t.
Can’t.
The dreaded word she kept telling him over and over again.
If only he never asked her out that day at the café. Life would still be dull and pleasant instead of painful and difficult. The best solution would be to stay as far away from Ben as she could. No more showing up when she knew Ben would be there. She was doing nothing but torturing herself—and him.
The ultimate torture. Not seeing him again. She just couldn’t help wanting to be near him. His handsome face. His kind words. His gentleness he always displayed when it came to her. No matter what she said, or how she treated him, he always treated her with kindness and respect. She didn’t deserve a man like him. She didn’t deserve anything.
The tears refused to stop. Images of Ben refused to diminish. The way he had pinned her between the door and his body. His warm, hot body that she had wanted even closer. As close as two people could get.
She had done it on purpose. She knew that now. Walking out of that house without telling him the truth—part of the truth—had been impossible. His hand on her earlier had created havoc on her body. The burning tingles of desire that ra
mped up to an inferno any time he touched her. She had wanted more. That’s why she opened her dumb mouth and dug the knife further into his chest.
Even though it was a horrible thing to want. She loved touching him. She always tried to find a simple reason to touch his gorgeous body.
So many times she yearned to brush her fingers through his black hair that needed a haircut. A little longer, especially in the front, it made her ache even more to sweep his hair back.
Or to caress a tender hand across his cheek, a hint of stubble that she knew would feel rough but sweet. Just like him. She normally saw him after a long day of work. Rarely did she see him early in the morning. That meant his jaw always had the wonderful scruffy look. She loved that look on him.
She loved touching his shoulder as silly as it seemed. The picture of running her hand from his shoulder, down his arms and caressing back up his chest was enough to make her lay a gentle hand on him. Each and every time she touched his shoulders, she died with the temptation to do just that. Of course, she never did. She settled for the torture of touching his shoulder, envisioning the rest in her mind. Every time she touched him, she could feel a difference. He had to be working out. She could feel the definition in each muscle.
She craved to touch him everywhere. To feel the strength in him. To feel a little bit of love for once.
It should all be so simple. Just like he said. But it was the farthest thing from the truth.
It had been on the tip of her tongue to blurt out her problems. To lay it out at his feet, let someone else fight her battles. She figured if she ever dared to let Dee and Zoe know her issues, they’d fight for her as well. Yet, knowing all of that, she couldn’t find the nerve to say one word. She just couldn’t.
Her problems would stay as they were. Hers.
As she pulled into her driveway, her face still wet, she knew she would never do anything so reckless like that again. Staying away from Ben was her number one priority from now on. No matter how difficult it would be.
She went through the motions of getting ready for bed, barely registering what she was doing. Curling under the soft, plush blankets, she pulled a pillow closer as she conjured a picture of Ben. She closed her eyes and replayed every moment he held her in his arms. The tears came back as a part of herself died inside.
All she wanted in life was Ben. And she could never have him.
Chapter 3
“What’s with the look?” Dee asked as she perched her butt on the edge of Rina’s desk.
She glanced up from her computer, failing miserably at hiding her grimace at Dee’s intrusion. She tried to play it off anyway. “What look?”
Dee raised her eyebrow with mock disgust. “Are you seriously trying to lie to me, Rina? Girl, don’t start with me. What’s going on? Do I need to call Zoe?”
Rina rolled her eyes. “I’m surprised she didn’t call you already.”
“What’s going on, Rina? Since when do you roll your eyes?”
“It’s nothing. I don’t want to make it into something big when it’s not.”
“Ooookay. What are we not making into something big? You lost me.”
Rina fiddled with the keyboard, refusing to look Dee in the eyes. “Ben asked me out a few months ago. Zeke and Zoe just found out last night and Zoe kind of interrogated me why I said no.”
Dee nearly fell off the desk. “And what did you tell her? Why would you say no to that man?”
Rina looked at her. “I thought you didn’t like him. I’ve heard you call him a douche.”
Dee shuffled a hand through her unruly hair and rolled her eyes. “That was, like, forever ago. Ben’s a sweetheart. Zeke still has douchey tendencies, but still borderline sweetheart. I’d totally fall for Ben if he asked me out, which he never would because his eyes are always glued to you.” Dee leaned closer. “Why would you tell him no? I always thought I saw the same kind of spark in your eyes.”
“Let’s just get back to work. Oh, and we need to finish planning Zoe’s welcome back party,” Rina said, grabbing some papers as if she needed to input the numbers into the system, even though she already had.
“Look, Zoe and I have always tried to steer clear of this part of your life and respect it. But Zoe’s not here to stop me. Did something bad happen to you, Rina? Is that why you’re afraid of men?”
Her eyes zoomed to Dee, suddenly shameful, afraid she would see the fear. “I’m not afraid of men. In fact, I have a date this weekend. He’s a very nice man, very respectable. He’s a lawyer. Anthony Tollhorn.”
“He sounds like a douche,” Dee said without faltering, raising her eyebrow again.
“You don’t even know him to say that. That’s not even nice.”
“He’s a lawyer. I don’t need to know anything else. I’m going to tell you what’s not nice, not giving Ben a chance. Quite frankly, I’m shocked that you wouldn’t.”
Rina sighed heavily as Dee walked away, then placed a light touch to her lips.
His sweet lips, the way they melted her senses with one teasing touch. The way his tongue dove in and claimed her with ease. To have his delicious mouth on her lips again.
Forget it. Forget him. She had no choice in the matter. This was her life. She needed to forget all about Ben. Think about Anthony, the douche lawyer.
She lowered her head onto her desk in frustration and tried to hold in the tears that wanted to release.
***
Ben shoved the door open, breathing in the fresh air. He took an extra large gulp, trying to dispel the horrible image of Beth out of his mind—again.
“You okay, partner?” Zeke asked, coming out behind him.
“Yeah, I hate autopsies. Do we really need to be there?” Ben asked, making his way to the car.
“Well, we wanted a break from the office.”
“Yeah, what a break. Just to hear the same crap we already know. Died by asphyxiation due to being strangled with a scarf. Raped, repeatedly, hence the damn bruises marking her body. No semen present. No DNA for them to collect. Nothing. I didn’t need to see her body again.” Ben yanked the passenger door open and slumped into the seat.
Zeke slid into his seat and started the car as he gave Ben a quick glance. “I’m sorry I told Zoe about Rina.”
“And I said, drop it. I never had a chance with her.”
“Well, that’s not true. Zoe just thinks—”
“You know what, Zeke. I don’t want to know what your wife thinks. I know my situation. Please, feel free to let your wife know that as well.”
“Shit, I’m sorry. Rina gave you no clue at all what’s going on with her?” Zeke put the car in gear.
“No. Do I think something’s going on in her life? Yeah, but she wouldn’t tell me. Remember that long month of torture you had when you thought you lost Zoe forever, that you’d never find her, make it up to her for treating her like a prostitute?”
Zeke’s hands tightened on the steering wheel. “Yeah, hard to forget. It was the worst month of my life. You’re reminding me of my idiocy, why?”
“Triple that for me. Three months of torture, Zeke. I even tried again last night with the answer still no. I’d appreciate it if we didn’t talk about Rina. Let’s focus on the case.”
Thankfully, Zeke decided to follow his words as silence descended within the car. He might’ve seriously considered socking him in the face if he hadn’t. His heart was already torn to shreds. He didn’t need Zeke adding to the torment.
The rest of the day dragged with the tension still hanging in the air. Tension they normally didn’t have between them. Ben figured it was because Zeke knew one little word about Rina and he would fly off the handle. Smart man. He would. Problem was, Zeke wanted to say a lot about her. Hence, the tension.
After interviewing more of Beth’s friends and co-workers, with little results, Ben wanted to drop the case and walk away. Something he never contemplated before. Thinking about Beth always brought Rina in his mind. He really didn’t need that reminder, esp
ecially when at every avenue of the case things remained a mystery. None of her neighbors remembered hearing or seeing anything that night. A wily bastard. Slipped inside in the dead of night, slipping right back out without an issue.
He liked his job, the tedious work it involved, the solving of a puzzle. Why did this case have to hit him differently?
Only because of Rina. Every time he saw Beth’s battered body, he saw Rina instead. It made his stomach churn with trepidation. When would the killer hit again? Who would be his next victim? Because he knew this psycho wasn’t finished. He prayed Rina resembling Beth was a coincidence. Nothing more. That, when the killer decided to strike again, he didn’t have a type.
He couldn’t have Rina. He would learn to live with that. But losing her to the brutality in which Beth endured, he’d never survive that. She deserved to live a long, happy life. Even if he wasn’t the one to give her that.
Damn, he missed her. Forgetting the taste of her lips or the way her body molded perfectly to his hadn’t come yet. He’d probably never forget.
He thought of Rina and her beautiful body all the way home, creating a raging hard-on. He had no way of releasing that without diving into the shower, letting the cold pelt him until he simmered down.
Barely eating again, he couldn’t find the energy to care. Not even thinking about the possible lecture from Dickens for not taking care of himself gave him energy. A lecture from Dickens was a high possibility since he hadn’t shown up to the gym in a few days. Dickens had the eyes of a hawk. He knew when his clients didn’t show up to the gym with their regular routine. He also had a nasty habit of gaining information like a bartender; listening to their woes and trying to lift them back up with hard work.
Thirty minutes on the elliptical. A strenuous time lifting weights. Or even taking a lap or two in the pool. Ben always managed to leave feeling a little better.
He really should head over to the gym and get that happy feeling back, but he just couldn’t find the energy.
One Taste of Love (A One Taste Novel Book 2) Page 3
