by Kat Mizera
“Zaan, I don’t have any answers for you yet,” I whispered, looking up into his handsome face. I hated the pain I saw there. Hated that it was because of me. How could we love each other the way we did but struggle so much to work things out professionally? I’d never ask him to leave hockey, but it felt like he wanted me to leave music. He never said the words, but it was always there, bubbling just beneath the surface.
“When will you? This is a thing with us, you know? I let you go off and do your thing and then—”
“You let me?” I took a step back.
“Not as in giving you permission,” he protested, “but in supporting the things you want to do. But when I do, you don’t come back.”
“Okay, that’s not fair,” I said quietly, wiping some shampoo from my eyes. “I didn’t come back last time, but we were nineteen and had a million things going on. However, through all those separations, I stayed faithful to you. I haven’t always handled things the best, but my commitment to you—to us—has never wavered.”
“It’s not about being faithful, it’s about the future. About whether we have one.”
“Yes, of course we do!” I was losing my patience. I didn’t know what was wrong with him, why he had to keep pushing this, but I wasn’t sure what else to say. If he wanted me to marry him today, I would, but he’d never asked and I sure as hell wasn’t going to. Especially not with the way we kept having the same damn argument. I was ready to strangle him, no matter how much I loved him.
“How?” he asked, watching me. “When?”
“I don’t know!” I rinsed the conditioner out of my hair and when I opened my eyes, he’d gotten out of the shower.
Great. Now he was mad.
Well, I was mad too.
“Dammit, Zaan, where did you go?” I yelled, wrapping myself in a towel.
“I’m here.” He had a towel wrapped around his waist, sitting low on his hips, drops of water trailing down his gorgeous torso. He was truly breathtaking and I never got enough of him, but I couldn’t let it distract me now.
“I’m not doing this just before I have to perform,” I said to him softly. “I have to get my head on straight for the show. Tonight, when we come back here, we’ll talk. Okay?”
“Okay.” He nodded and pressed a soft kiss on my forehead, but the air in the room suddenly gave me a chill.
The show was great, performing for a rowdy, ramped-up Vegas crowd at one of the big hotels on the Strip. We’d only played Vegas one other time and it had been amazing then too, but tonight was special because my father had a big surprise for me. When I’d looked down into the audience, I’d seen my brothers there in the front row with him. I hadn’t seen them in over a year and I was so excited they were here. The minute the show ended, I ran offstage to get a towel and a bottle of water, waiting impatiently for them to arrive. Zaan had watched the show from the wings, but everyone else would be coming backstage any minute now.
Putting our upcoming talk out of my mind, I reached for Zaan’s hand. “I can’t wait for you to meet my brothers!”
“I’ve met them,” he responded quietly.
“You have?” I turned in confusion. “When?”
“More than once. Whenever we play in Toronto, they come to the games, and now that Robbie’s driving, they usually come to Ottawa and Buffalo too.”
I was a little embarrassed because I’d had no idea. “I guess I should have known that.”
“It’s all right. You weren’t here.”
His words made my chest clench painfully and I turned away, unwilling to get into this yet again when I was about to hug my younger brothers.
“Do you seriously have twenty people coming backstage?” Pam demanded, eyeing me.
“This is basically my hometown,” I told her. “And Tayla had at least that many when we played in Minneapolis last year.”
She scowled. “Whatever. I still fucking hate you.” She turned on her heel and walked away, and I watched her with a dejected frown. It was going to be a miserable two months and this thing with Zaan wasn’t helping.
“They’re all really nasty, aren’t they?” he asked, watching her move away.
“Lexi!” My brother Robbie’s voice made me turn and I ran to hug him. He was nineteen now and taller than our dad, at six-foot-three.
“God, I’ve missed you!” I hugged him tightly.
“Missed you more,” he whispered, grinning.
“Hey, Lex.” Shane was almost seventeen and just a couple of inches shorter than Robbie.
“Hey!” I hugged him too and then Dad and Mack and a handful of other friends. Tyler and Bash were here, as was Casey, and I spent the next half hour talking to everyone and enjoying having people I cared about here with me. Pam, Tayla and Marj seemed to be pouting as they watched us, and I had a childish urge to stick my tongue out at them, though I managed to hold back.
“Your voice is awe-inspiring,” Robbie said, shaking his head. “It still blows my mind that we’re related.”
“Don’t be silly.” I laughed but I was a little flushed with happiness as his words spread through me. It was nice to hear that kind of praise from my brother because out of everyone in the world, he didn’t have to blow smoke up my ass. Getting compliments from people in the industry was nice professionally, but hearing it from family warmed my soul.
“Mom said to call her,” Shane said with a rueful smile.
I laughed. “I’m sure that’s not all she said.”
“Not even a quarter.”
We talked and laughed before Dad suggested we go somewhere since the roadies were almost done putting away our gear and it was time to get out of here.
“Is there anywhere we can go get something to eat?” Shane asked. “I’m starving.”
“This is Vegas,” I said. “There are a billion places to go.”
“I’m going home,” Casey said, hugging me. “But I’ll talk to you soon, okay? Safe travels.”
“Thank you.” I hugged her back.
“We’re going home too,” Tyler told me. “You should spend time with your family. But I’ll see you in San Francisco and maybe even Portland. I have friends up there, so I might make the trip up.”
“I’ll definitely see you in Frisco,” Bash said. “I don’t know about Portland, but I might fly out for the show in Denver because I have friends there.”
“Cool. I really appreciate you guys.” I hugged them both and then we headed out. Zaan had been able to drive the Mustang into the staging area where the trucks were parked, so we left out the back with Shane and Robbie while Dad, Mack and a few of our other friends went out to their cars, which were parked in the regular lot.
We headed to a little restaurant just off the Strip, where there was ample parking and much less chance Zaan or I would be recognized.
“I wish you guys had come sooner,” I told my brothers.
“It’s spring break for me,” Shane said. “And Robbie’s only staying through the weekend. We don’t have a lot of time off but Dad thought it would be fun to see you perform.”
“We’ll play Toronto next month,” I told them, “so I’ll get to see you again.”
We talked on the ride and continued through a late dinner. It felt so good to be with my family, but Zaan was uncharacteristically quiet and it was because of me. A bad feeling spread through my gut even though I did my best to ignore it with the conversation going on around us.
“You’re coming to the wedding, right, Lexi?” Everly asked.
“Oh.” I turned to Zaan. “I don’t know. Are we?”
“Well, it’s not optional for me,” he said, “since I’m a groomsman, but I wasn’t sure about your schedule. It’s at the end of June.”
“I’m sure we can make it work,” I said, taking a sip of wine. “It’s going to be more about the scheduling of the music video than anything else. Casey hasn’t gotten word about that yet.”
“You’re doing a music video?” Everly asked, her eyes twinkling. “That sou
nds like so much fun. The whole band or something else?”
“Probably me and a male model,” I said. “Kind of a back-seat make-out session to go along with the lyrics to ‘Paradise by the Dashboard Light.’ You know the one, yeah?”
“Oh, yeah.” Everly grinned. “That sounds like a fun concept.”
“Back-seat make-out session?” Zaan asked, meeting my eyes.
I flushed. I hadn’t told him any of this yet. “We haven’t hashed it out, but that’s what we’re thinking.”
“I think we’re all gonna need to be on set that day,” Tore said, drumming his fingers on the table. “Make sure this model guy doesn’t get handsy.”
“It’s acting,” I said quietly. “It’s not real.”
“It’s her job,” Zaan said after a slight hesitation.
“You’re a better man than I am,” Tore said, shaking his head. “I might die if I saw my woman making out with some hot model for a music video.”
“Then don’t date anyone in show business,” Robbie told him.
“Not in my plans,” Tore muttered, shaking his head.
“Well, that escalated quickly,” Dax said, chuckling. “On that note, let’s order.”
By the time we were ready to go, I was starting to get mad again. We had so little time together and Zaan was being a pain in my ass. We had to settle this tonight, because I couldn’t go back out on the road with him in this kind of mood.
My brothers went home with Dad and Mack, of course, our friends headed in separate directions, and Zaan and I didn’t talk as we walked to the Mustang.
“Whatever it is you want to say,” I told him, standing against the car, “just say it.”
“I don’t have anything specific to say,” he admitted. “I guess I’m resigned to you leaving me.”
“I’m not leaving!” I yelled in frustration. “I’m going to work. I’ll be back.”
“Will you?”
A few drops of rain on my skin made me look up and I frowned. Why the fuck was it raining in Las Vegas? I had no idea if this was normal, but it was a weird representation of my mood.
“I love you,” I said quietly. “More than anything, but there’s a huge difference between my love for you and my love for my career. I don’t expect you to leave hockey and you can’t expect me to stop playing music. It’s what I do and who I am. That includes travel and touring. You’re going to have to think long and hard about how much you love me because obviously, there’s an issue here.”
20
Zaan
I frowned as the rain started coming down a little harder, but I was oblivious as I stared at her. “You doubt my feelings for you? Are you serious right now?”
“I don’t know.” She swiped at her face because the rain was starting in earnest now. “But we keep having the same argument, as if you don’t really want me to do this and—”
“I don’t!” I snapped. “Every time you go on tour, they hurt you, and watching them hurt you hurts me! I don’t think I should apologize for not liking to watch you suffer. Or for trying to help.”
“I know and I appreciate that. I appreciate you. I do. But we can’t keep going round and round like this. It distracts me and it can’t be good for you either, from what I can see. You’re not playing well and if that’s my fault, this isn’t healthy for either of us.”
“What are you trying to say?” I demanded.
“I’m trying to figure out what you want,” she said, blinking at me as the rain started pelting us. Her hair was already plastered against her head, starting to drip down her top. She didn’t move, though, watching me intently.
“I want you,” I replied. “But I need you with me.”
“I can’t physically be with you all the time. Not now. In a few years, when I’ve made a name for myself as a solo artist or with a different type of band, then I’ll have more power to make my schedule, choose my projects, and the money to potentially do what I want. But that doesn’t happen overnight. You have to be willing to wait for me to get there.”
“I don’t know if I can,” I admitted in a hoarse voice.
She swallowed. I thought there were tears in her eyes but it was hard to tell with the rain coming down like a freakin’ tsunami. I couldn’t remember the last time it rained this hard here in Vegas, but it was fairly appropriate considering how I felt right now.
“I guess you’ve answered my question then,” she whispered.
“Look, can we go home and—”
“No.” She was shaking her head and slowly backing away from me. “I can’t spend the night with you, make love with you, be with you, when you don’t have faith in me. You don’t think I’m coming back and I can’t live with that kind of doubt. Not from you.”
“Dammit, Lexi, that’s not what—”
“I have to go,” she said. “If you don’t love me enough to wait, then I guess we’re done.”
“No. We’re not done. We just…” I didn’t know what to say, but this wasn’t what I wanted. The problem was, at this point, I didn’t know what the fuck I wanted.
“We just what? We’re taking a break?” She swiped at her eyes again and then shrugged. “Fine. You want to take another break? Let’s take a fucking break. You let me know when you’ve got your head on straight. In the meantime, I have a job to do.”
“Lexi!” I called out to her as she started walking back toward the restaurant. “Come on, it’s pouring. Let me drive you to the hotel.”
She merely held up a hand without turning around. “I’ll call a cab,” she yelled. Then she disappeared back inside the restaurant, leaving me standing there in the pouring rain, the keys to her car in my hand.
I should have chased her, but I was hurt and confused, as much by my own actions as by hers. Everything had gone wrong today and while it was probably my fault, it hurt that she didn’t try harder. Or maybe it hurt that I wasn’t willing to try harder. It felt like I’d been the one trying for four damn years. Through separations and breakups, I was always there for her, and at some point, she had to give back. Didn’t she?
Or maybe I was fucked in the head, just a selfish asshole who wanted his woman home. Barefoot and pregnant or some other stereotypical thing.
That made me roll my eyes even though there was no one to see it. Some stereotypical relationship was the last thing I wanted. I loved Lexi’s talent and independence, her fierce professionalism and how she strove for success. Unfortunately, the more successful she got, the less time she had for me. That was the part that didn’t work for me. For us.
On the flip side, I had to be cognizant of the fact that my job took me away from home a lot. Nine months of the year, I had responsibilities that made it impossible for me to be there for her. She would be the one home alone, waiting for me to come back from this game or that trip. How was that fair to either of us?
Which brought me full circle. The reality was that maybe this simply wasn’t meant to be. No matter how much I wanted it to work, or how much we loved each other, we’d known it would be hard four years ago, and I’d had enough when we’d broken up a year and a half ago or so. Yet we found our way back to each other and now I had the biggest decision of my life before me. With zero idea what the right thing to do was.
We hadn’t broken up, not officially, but what else did taking a break mean? There hadn’t been a lot of time for us to hash this out, but in the end she’d left. She’d still walked away without a backward glance, as if I meant nothing to her. And looking around my condo made it that much more poignant. The space she’d taken up in the closet was small enough to not make a huge difference, and since she wasn’t the type to cook or decorate, the biggest change was in the bathroom. Her toiletries were gone so the medicine cabinet, counters and shelves in the shower were almost bare now, with no trace of her. As if she’d never been here and we hadn’t spent the last month being a real couple.
As I’d known it would, losing her again hurt a billion times more than it had last time, and the wor
st part was that I had no one to turn to. My parents were too far away and my friends, well, they didn’t understand. Tore would say “I told you so,” and Dax would just ask if I wanted to get drunk. Which I didn’t.
I cracked open a beer and sat on the couch in the dark until I fell asleep. When I woke up again, light was pouring through the windows and I had a crick in my neck. I got up and stretched, trying to decide what to do. I didn’t know if Lexi had left town yet, but there was no point in reaching out. Everything was still too raw. I needed time to think, and she probably did too. My priority right now had to be hockey, no matter how much it sucked.
Thankfully, we left on a road trip the next day and though I hated to rat Lexi out to her dad, I had to talk to someone who would understand without really taking sides. My friends would immediately take my side, but that’s not what I needed right now. I needed someone who not only understood the complicated relationship Lexi and I had, but wouldn’t paint her as the bad guy.
“Hey, mind if I join you?” I asked Rob since the seat next to him on the plane was empty.
Rob met my eye with a nod. “Of course. Everything okay?”
“Did you talk to Lexi today?”
He shook his head. “No. Did I miss anything?”
“We decided to take a break.” I couldn’t even look at him, I felt like such an idiot saying it out loud.
“How come?”
“How do you do it?” I asked bluntly. “I mean, don’t you worry about her?”
He chuckled. “Yeah, I do, but the thing is, she’s an adult. I have to trust that she knows what she’s doing and can handle whatever comes her way. She mostly surrounds herself with good people. I mean, the situation with Special Kay wasn’t ideal, but she had a good relationship with the tour’s head of security and the bus driver, so she always had someone looking out for her. We asked her multiple times the last few years if she wanted to quit, and she always said no, she could handle it. As the man in her life, you’re going to have a lot of disparate emotions about everything, but my advice to you is communication. She hates asking for help, so sometimes you have to drag it out of her to make her admit she needs it.”
