by Kat Mizera
“All right, maybe I’ll call Everly and get a feel for what type of dress to buy.”
“Yeah, that would be good.”
“Okay, I have to go, but I’ll talk to you tomorrow.”
“Good night, beautiful.”
“Good night.”
I went into the bathroom to change and wash off my makeup now that we’d arrived at the hotel. I put my hair up in a messy bun and stripped out of my clothes. I’d considered running a bath but decided to just shower instead. I always sweat like crazy onstage and liked to go to bed clean.
I stood under the hot spray and let the day’s stress wash away before I actually washed myself. I lathered up a washcloth and rubbed it against my skin, as if it would somehow clean away my worries along with the sweat. I slid my hands up across my chest, acutely aware of how long it had been since Zaan had touched me, and how much I missed it. How much I missed him. This strangeness between us really sucked and there was nothing I could do about it until I was back in Vegas. The good news was that Casey had introduced me to an attorney that would take a hard look at my contract and I hoped to hear from him in a couple of days.
I finished washing up and let the water clear away the soap. I was just about to turn off the water when I ran a hand under one arm and froze. I moved my fingers back to the spot that had startled me and for a moment my vision blurred.
There was a lump under my right arm.
24
Zaan
Both my attorney and the Sidewinders gave me permission to do a music video and, while I couldn’t think about anything but hockey for now, it gave me hope that Lexi and I would be able to work through our current situation. I’d promised myself I wouldn’t overthink things until she got back, and maybe Lexi was right about taking things one day at a time. The wedding in Scotland was on her radar now, which made me feel better about things in general, so I slept well that night and was focused when I got to the rink the next day for practice.
“I’m moving lines around,” Coach Wylde told us. “Hagen, you’ll be on the first line with Petrov and Armstrong. Cloutier, I want you with Vlad and Ian…”
He was moving all of us and I felt a thrill to be on the first line with Toli Petrov and Cody. Toli was currently the oldest player in the league at forty-one and he was showing no signs of slowing down or retiring. His goal, we all knew, was to play one season with his son, who was finishing his senior year at Boston University. Anton Petrov had been drafted by the Sidewinders and would most likely join us in the fall, so who knew how much longer Toli would play. He was badass, though, and I loved it when I had a chance to play on a line with him.
“I’ll follow the puck to the corners,” Toli told me. “You get to the front of the net and I’ll find you.”
I nodded, doing as instructed and loving the way the plays came together. It was just practice, but that’s why we did it—so that we knew what to expect and how we worked together when it counted. Normally, Toli and Cody played with Zakk Cloutier, so I didn’t know why Coach had changed up the first line, but I was digging it. It was the most fun I’d had at a practice all season and it energized me, driving out all thoughts of Lexi, Special Kay and everything else.
“Good practice today,” Toli said as we walked back to the locker room. “You’ve got good instincts. I think your struggles lately are more about your confidence. Trust yourself and it’ll happen for you.”
“Thanks.” I nodded. “I’ve been second-guessing myself this season and I’m not sure why.”
“When you come in as a rookie, you know you’re green, so you put yourself in learning mode. Watching the older guys, listening to Coach, doing all the things you need to do to acclimate to the big leagues. But then you settle in, your entry-level contract expires, and suddenly you’re not the new kid anymore. It can be trippy. Believe me, when I was your age I was still learning English, had a four-year-old I was supporting, and a hotshot younger brother coming up behind me that made me feel like I had to be at the top of my game or he would embarrass me. We all have our struggles and yours is normal. But if you trust your instincts, and Cody and me when we’re out there together, it’ll come together.” He winked and moved over to his locker, chatting with one of the other guys.
We won the next night and I scored the game-winning goal, with a shot from Toli that set me up. It was one of the best feelings in the world and it fueled me to keep working, keep focused on hockey. The next week was a whirlwind for me, winning the first two games at home and ultimately sweeping the other team in four games, ending in Seattle. We were headed to the third and final round of the playoffs, and Lexi would be home in less than two weeks. I was on top of the world until she called that night.
“What’s wrong?” I asked when I heard her voice. “You sound funny.”
“I’m…” She paused, as if trying to think about what to say.
“Lexi?”
“I found a lump.” Her voice was tiny, so soft it took me several seconds to wrap my head around what she’d just said.
“What?” I was still trying to understand.
“A lump. Under my arm. Like in my armpit.”
“A lump. I don’t… What does that mean?”
“I don’t know.”
Cancer.
She was talking about cancer.
A lump. Another tumor. More cancer.
Oh my fucking god.
My stomach threatened to revolt and I sank onto the bed of my hotel room. We weren’t flying home until morning since the game had gone into overtime and it was late.
“How can you have… I mean, isn’t that why your breasts were removed? You can’t get breast cancer if you don’t have breasts. Right?” I had no idea what I was saying.
“If the cancer migrated to the lymph nodes, then yeah, I can.”
Oh motherfucking hell, I didn’t know what to say or do. “Are you okay?”
“I’m freaking right the fuck out.”
“Did you call your doctor?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“Because I’m on tour and there’s just nine shows left. I have to finish this before I can deal with anything else.”
“Lexi!” I let out a growl of frustration. “Jesus, you can’t let this go. You have to—”
“I know. I will. Please don’t yell at me.”
I took a deep breath. “I’m sorry. I’m just scared. You need to call your doctor so you at least have an appointment the minute you get home.”
“I will.”
“What did your dad say? Did you talk to Mack?”
“You can’t tell him!” she cried. “Please, Zaan. Promise me. There’s no use freaking everyone out until we know something. I’ll see my oncologist when I get home, but there’s only so much stress I can take at any one time and I’m hanging on by a thread with this tour and the possibility that I’ll still have to do that other album for them. I can’t deal with hysterics from my mom or anything… Do you promise?”
I blew out a breath. I hated this. Lying to Rob would suck, even if it was lying by omission, but I couldn’t do that to Lexi.
“I promise,” I said softly. “As long as you promise to see your doctor the minute you get back.”
“I will.”
“Did you feel a lump last time? Is that how you found it?”
“I saw a lump last time. I was lucky in the sense that it got big pretty quickly so we had it checked. Otherwise, it could have been growing deep inside of me until it was too late because teenage girls don’t usually do breast exams or get mammograms.”
“So this is…similar.”
She was quiet for way too long before saying, “Yeah.”
“Lexi…”
“I know, okay? I know. Twelve days and I’ll be home.”
“Fuck.”
“It’ll be okay. I didn’t come this far to go backward.”
“Of course.” I cleared my throat. “It’s going to be fine.”
Neither of
us spoke for a few seconds, until she said, “So. Tell me about the game tonight.”
We talked for another few minutes, where I did my best to pretend like everything was normal, but my heart was beating a little too fast and my stomach was in knots.
There was a lump.
I went online to see what I could find out and the more I read, the more terrified I got. It took a hell of a lot of self-control not to grab the phone, call her father and get him involved, to force her to take action. I knew better, though. She would never forgive me and it was just two weeks. It often took a lot longer than that to get an appointment with a specialist, so hopefully she would see her oncologist as soon as she got back to Vegas. I’d give her that long, but once she was home, if she didn’t get this handled, I’d absolutely rat her out to her dad, whether it made her mad or not.
In the meantime, I was going to take something else off her plate, even though she didn’t want me to. I didn’t want her to have to worry about being forced to do a subsequent Special Kay album, in addition to another cancer scare, so first thing tomorrow I was going to get off my ass and call Nate’s family’s attorney. His name was Sheridan Katz and he might not be able to do anything, but he could definitely recommend someone if he couldn’t. Nate had given me his number weeks ago but I hadn’t done anything with it because it made me feel guilty going behind her back. I had no such qualms after this latest development.
I’d been cleaning up the apartment and found a copy of her contract within a stack of papers she’d left on the dining room table, and though I’d read through it, it hadn’t meant much to me. Now, I was going to get the situation handled, one way or another. I didn’t give a shit what it cost; she was more important than money. Hell, she was more important than anything, and this health scare made that abundantly clear.
25
Lexi
I landed back in Las Vegas eight and a half weeks after I’d left. Last night had been game two of the third round of the playoffs, against Dallas, and Zaan’s flight hadn’t landed yet, so Mack was here, waving from her convertible as I walked outside. We threw my things in the back and I jumped in, putting my sunglasses on my head. It was so good to be home, but without Zaan here and with everything else on my mind, it wasn’t the same. I must have sighed because Mack kept looking at me.
“You okay?” Mack asked as she got on the freeway toward home.
“Yeah.” I pulled a clip out of my purse to put my hair up since it was whipping around my face once Mack picked up speed.
“That was pretty unenthusiastic,” she said softly.
“There’s a lot going on.”
“You and Zaan still on the outs?”
“Somewhat… But it’s more than that.”
“The contract with Special Kay?”
“That’s not all of it either.”
Mack cut a quick look in my direction. “You’re starting to make me nervous, Lex.”
“I found a lump.”
Mack didn’t reply. If I hadn’t noticed the whiteness of her knuckles as her grip on the steering wheel tightened, I wouldn’t have seen any reaction at all.
“Where?” she asked finally.
“Under my right armpit.”
“How big?”
“Big enough.”
“Jesus. When did you find it?”
“About a week ago.” Ish. It wouldn’t help anything to let her know it had been a little longer than that.
“I’ll look at it when we get to the house.”
“Okay.” I’d known she would and I wanted her to because I trusted Mack more than any of my doctors. She’d been an integral part of my surgery, recovery and reconstruction process the last time I’d gone through this and if anyone could help me stay calm, it was Mack.
We didn’t talk as we got to the house and it felt a little weird to be back at my dad’s place instead of going home to Zaan. We hadn’t talked about me moving back in and, in all honesty, I’d kind of forgotten about it with everything else going on. It didn’t fully register until we’d pulled into the garage and now it was just a sad reminder that everything in my life was off-kilter.
Again.
“It’s going to be okay,” Mack said as we walked into the house.
I wasn’t worried about my luggage. I just wanted her to look at this thing under my arm and tell me what she thought. Without hesitating, I yanked off my top and held up my arm. Mack leaned in, running her fingers over it. She frowned a little and pressed on it from different directions.
“Does it hurt?”
“No, nothing.”
“I…” She was shaking her head. “My gut tells me it’s not cancerous. In fact, I think it’s nothing but a lipoma, but with your history…we’ll need a biopsy to be sure.”
I swallowed. “Wh-what’s a lipoma?”
“It’s basically a benign, fatty tumor, and not dangerous at all. But they don’t usually grow under the armpit, so you still need to have it checked.”
“How sure are you?”
Mack’s mouth thinned a little as she met my gaze. “Seventy percent?”
I groaned. “Okay. That’s not terrible.”
“Have you called your oncologist?”
I nodded. “Yes. I’ll see her the day after tomorrow.”
“You want me to go with you?”
“Yes, please.”
“Absolutely.” She held out her arms and I fell into them, closing my eyes.
“I’m so scared,” I whispered, “and I can’t tell anyone how scared I am because everyone will freak out. My parents, Zaan, everyone…” I let go of the tears I’d been holding in for two weeks.
“I know. It’s okay. We don’t have to tell anyone until you see your doctor.”
“Zaan knows I found a lump, but I tried not to get too emotional about it because we’re already on shaky ground and I hate always being the one with drama. It’s like one thing after another with me. No wonder he wanted to take a break.”
“So…you guys have been on a break?” She arched a brow. “Since when?”
I shrugged. “Since the night of the show here in Vegas.”
“He didn’t say anything.”
“I know.”
“You know you can call me when stuff comes up, right? I wish you hadn’t suffered through this alone.”
“Then you would have been forced to keep it from my dad and that wouldn’t have been fair.”
“The team should be on the ground soon.” She gently lifted my chin. “Why don’t you text Zaan and tell him to come pick you up? Sometimes men need to be told what they want, you know? Don’t wait for him to figure it out.”
I smiled. “Thanks, Mack.”
It was so good to see him, but our reunion was a little awkward. Zaan and Dad both hugged me and we took a few minutes to talk about the playoffs and last night’s game before Zaan started making noise about going home. They had practice tomorrow and then two home games in the next four days, so he needed his sleep. I looked up at him warily.
“So we’re still on break?” I asked him.
He hesitated. “It’s not that I don’t want you to come home with me, but I have to focus on the playoffs and you’ve got all kinds of stuff going on.”
I stared at him. “So I’m back and you don’t want us to be together?”
“I do. I didn’t know what you wanted.”
“I left my stuff in the car but you didn’t seem all that excited to see me.”
“I am. Let’s get your stuff and go home, okay? We’re both tired and I just want to hold you. Can we keep it simple for the next couple of days?”
If I’d been smarter, I would have stayed here at Dad and Mack’s, but I’d missed him so much I couldn’t fathom sleeping without him tonight. Something was going on with him, but I had my own shit to worry about, and being apart would only make it worse. Until I got through the appointment with my oncologist, I didn’t have the strength for anything else.
Mack and I went to my onc
ologist on Friday and though she agreed that it was most likely nothing but a lipoma, there was a chance it could be a liposarcoma, which was cancerous. Given my history, they wanted to be sure and she scheduled a procedure to remove and biopsy it the following week. I felt better now that a second doctor thought it was nothing, but I wouldn’t be able to relax until we knew for sure.
We agreed not to say anything to Dad until after the game tonight and Zaan was getting ready for the same game, so I didn’t say anything to him either. I was hurt and confused by his behavior, but I was damned if I was going to chase him. He hadn’t asked when my appointment was, and though it might have been a little childish, I refused to tell him until he did. I couldn’t understand how he’d forgotten about it, but maybe it was because of the playoffs. Whatever it was, I planned to get it out of him after the game tonight. In the meantime, I had a meeting with Casey, Tyler and the others this afternoon, which would distract me.
I dropped Mack off at the house, and after hugging her tightly, headed for the studio. To my surprise, Jayson Keller was there when I arrived and we spent the next several hours talking about the project. We had so much to do to make this happen, and while I was open about the fact that I might have to do another album with Special Kay, the others made the decision to move forward as if I wouldn’t have to.
Though it usually took a while for a band to gel musically, we didn’t have an issue. We had our first rehearsal right there, simply because we had the time and the place, and it was magical for me. Whether I was singing lead vocals, background vocals, or playing piano, we were like a well-oiled machine. Part of it was the fact that Casey, Jayson, Tyler and Bash had played together for so long, but even with adding me, Ford and Stu in the mix, there weren’t a lot of growing pains. Our sound was unique, a lot like Pretty Harts but with a slightly different vibe because of my vocals and the eclectic melodies brought by Stu and Ford.
Ford had a more bluesy background, while Stu was hardcore metal, and together they added dimension to everything we did. Casey’s sound was more classic rock, so even though we hadn’t planned for the three of them to play on any of the songs, it wound up happening more than once because we worked so well together. Casey had already recorded her guitar parts with Tyler and Bash while I’d been gone, but with all of us together rehearsing, she wound up doing more. Since having extra versions of everything couldn’t hurt, we got down to business.
