She laughs softly. “I’m happy because I choose it.” She steps closer so I wrap my arms around her waist. “I’m also so lonely. I cry a lot at night thinking about the things I’ve lost. I think about it even more at this time of year.” My eyes open wide. “I choose happiness, Brendan, because if I didn’t, I would never get out of bed.”
“What?”
“I’ll tell you my sad story if you tell me yours.”
I shake my head. “I don’t know if I can. I don’t know if I’m brave enough.”
“Okay then. I’ll be brave first. Do you want some coffee?”
“Yeah.”
Chapter Eight: Harper
As we walk into my kitchen, I struggle to comprehend what’s happening right now. Mr. Sexy, Scrooge, god among men is here. He thinks I’m beautiful. He kissed me. Now I’m about to tell him something I never talk about. I turn the coffee machine on and watch Brendan as he sits on a bar stool looking around.
“The place looks fantastic.”
“Thank you. I’m really happy with it.”
“It’s much warmer and cozier than mine, which makes sense I guess.”
“Yeah. Coffee will be ready in a minute.” I lean across the island. “You ready for this?”
“If you are.”
I nod, exhaling slowly. “Five years ago…” I pause, as tears fill my eyes. It’s always an immediate flood of emotion.
Brendan stands and walks around to my side. “You sure you want to talk about it?”
“Are you sure you want to try to be part of my life?”
“Absolutely.”
“Then you should know what I’m about to say. It will tell you a lot about me.”
“Okay.”
“Five years ago,” I begin again. “My mother wasn’t feeling well. She was tired all the time and lost her appetite. We urged her to go the doctor, and when she did, they diagnosed her with stage four breast cancer.” Brendan’s eyes open wide. “That was on December third. She died fifteen days later.”
“Oh my god.”
"Every year of my life, Christmas was a big deal in my house. She loved it. She over-decorated, bought too many presents, had parties, all of it. She said it was the happiest time of year. She would always say you can't be sad at Christmas. It's impossible." I wipe away a tear that slides down my cheek. “But she was wrong. I found a way to be sad at Christmas.”
“I’m so sorry, Harper.”
"Yeah. That first Christmas was brutal, needless to say. I sat in the living room with my sister and dad, and all we could do was cry. Everything around us was her, but she was gone." I look up into Brendan’s concerned eyes. “So you know what I did?”
“What?”
“I shut down. I hated Christmas because all it did was remind me that she was gone, and I couldn’t handle it. I didn’t want to see people. I didn’t want condolences. I wanted my mother.”
“But you love Christmas.”
"Yeah, I do. The first two years, I couldn't handle it. None of us could. I would watch my dad fall into a deep depression every December. That third year, I got up in the middle of the night to get a drink, and my dad was sitting in the living room, looking at pictures of them, with a loaded gun to his temple. He said he wanted to be with her. He couldn't take it anymore."
“Shit.”
“I begged him not to do it. Not to leave Elise and me with no parents. He looked me in the eyes, and he said he couldn't stand the devastation of her loss. He couldn't handle seeing his daughters fall apart without her. He wasn't enough for us. It broke what was left of my heart."
“Oh, Harper.”
"Right then and there I decided we had to change. All of us. She would have been so disappointed to see us suffering and forgetting all the amazing times we had as a family at Christmas. So I went to the attic at two o'clock in the morning, and I dragged down every decoration, and with tears clouding my eyes, I decorated the house. I put out her favorite nativity scene. I played her favorite Christmas songs. I called Elise, and the three of us sang, and cried, and remembered. I think we all started to heal that morning. From then on, I celebrate as big as I can to celebrate her."
Brendan stares at me wide-eyed. "I'm stunned."
“It’s my way of feeling better.”
“Harper…” He shakes his head.
“What?”
“I want to tell you…what happened to me, but I’ve never told anybody.”
“You can trust me.”
“It’s not that. I just don’t know how I’ll react, but I have to now.”
“Let’s get some coffee and go talk on the couch.”
“Yeah. Okay.”
I grab two mugs from the cupboard and fill them. After handing one to Brendan, we walk to the living room and sit down. I watch him, clearly deep in thought, and wonder what he’s going to tell me.
“I was only ten when it happened.” I nod, rubbing his arm. “My mother…” He looks up into my eyes. “My mother got sick. I didn’t understand at first. Everyone told me she was going to be fine, so I believed it. She was the strongest woman in the world to me. She was a single mother. My father was just a casual boyfriend. They were broken up before she even knew she was pregnant, but she kept me. She worked extra jobs to make sure we were always okay. When I was seven, she met a nice man and married him. We had a great family life. She loved Christmas. Just like your mom.” I nod. “I knew things were changing. She had to go away a lot, and my stepdad Ron would say she was visiting family. I would ask why I couldn’t go too, and he said I couldn’t miss school, but I knew it was a lie. I knew they were protecting me, so I let myself believe. I didn’t want to believe anything else.” He stares down into his mug. We sit in silence for what feels like several minutes. I know he needs time to process this. “I remember our last Christmas. I dream about it over and over. She didn’t look well. She was very thin and pale, but she told me she was fine. She died the next morning.”
I gasp softly. “Oh, Brendan.”
“I thought you and I were polar opposites, but we have the saddest thing in the world in common. She died of breast cancer.”
Tears flow freely down my face. I pull him into my arms, and he grips me tightly. I cry into his chest, sad for both of us, but so happy he felt he could tell me. I look up.
“How do you feel now that you told me?”
“Amazing. It feels okay. Maybe because I know you truly understand. I know you won’t pity me and say stupid shit like heaven needed an angel. I was a little boy that needed his mother.”
“There are no words that any well-meaning person can give to help.”
"No, there aren't." He searches my eyes, gripping my shoulders. “You’re the brightest moment of my day since you moved in. You made this moment happen. I didn’t think anyone would ever understand, but you do. I’m sorry that you do.”
“It’s interesting, isn’t it, how we both process the same tragedy?” He nods. “I was on the same path as you until my dad woke me up. Maybe…” I lift his hand to my lips and kiss it. “Maybe I’m in your life to wake you up.”
“Maybe. I don’t know if I could ever find the same joy in Christmas that you do.”
“Do you ever close your eyes and imagine your future? Do you think about who you’ll marry and what your kids will look like? Do you ever wonder how you’ll explain why you’re always so sad at Christmas? I did.”
“No, I never have. I just assumed I would always be alone.”
“Is that what you want?”
“No. Not anymore.”
I smile, playing with his fingers. “The day I got my keys, I told Elise that I wanted to do all the fun things couples do at Christmas time. If you’ll humor me by doing some of those things, I’ll try to tone down the cheer a little.”
“I don’t want you to tone down a thing.”
“What do you want then, Brendan? Tell me.”
“I want to spend today learning everything about you. I want to kiss you, and touch
you, and feel your body on mine. I want to fall asleep in your arms and wake up to your spectacular face. I want you…” He pauses, placing a soft kiss on my lips. “I want you to help me love Christmas again. For my mom. For your mom, but mostly, for you, Harper. I want to love it for you.”
His sweet words leave me breathless for a moment. “There’s only one problem with your plan.”
His brow creases. “What’s that?”
“How am I supposed to call you Scrooge behind your back now?”
Brendan laughs. “Guess you’ll have to find something else to call me.”
“I could go back to my original nickname. Mr. Sexy.”
“You can call me whatever you want as long as I can call you mine.”
“Who knew you were sweet all this time?”
“It just took a little Christmas miracle to draw it out.”
I climb onto his lap, straddling him with a big smile. “Can we go ice skating? And will you help me wrap presents? Will you tell me everything about you? Can I see your place? Ooh, we should get you a tree. We can decorate it together, and—” My words are halted as Brendan grips my neck and pulls me down into another delectable kiss. As his mouth explores mine, the only thing I can think of his how amazing this is. The last person I ever expected was right under my nose.
Brendan pulls back slightly. “You were saying?”
I gaze up at his eyes, slightly bluer than before. “I think you should just kiss me again.”
“That I can do.”
Chapter Nine: Brendan
As my lips close over Harper’s again, I take a moment with my eyes closed, and her warm body wrapped around mine, to accept that I actually feel happy right now. Happy and lighter. Telling her what happened to my mom, knowing how deeply she understood my loss, was like being set free. I don’t have to hide behind my bah humbug front anymore. She’ll understand why I can’t look at family pictures, or even why sometimes my eyes tear up when I hear certain Christmas songs. She gets it. More than most could.
My thoughts shift to what’s going on in my lap. Harper grinds her hips into mine, moaning softly and sucking on my bottom lip.
“Whew, babe, you gotta stop doing that.”
She flashes a sexy smile as a lock of hair falls over her eyes. I reach up and move it, not wanting to ever block that view. “It just feels so good. You feel so good.”
“Yeah?” I brush my fingers over her flushed cheeks. “I’m trying to be a gentleman.”
A soft laugh leaves her lips. “A gentleman, huh? You didn’t even ask me out before busting in here and locking lips with me.”
“You want to go on a date with me?”
“Yep.”
“I’d be honored to take you out.” I tilt my head, studying her face as she gazes back at me. “It’s a little surreal what’s happening right now. I’m glad you found a way to see beyond what an ass I was. I want to apologize for—”
Harper puts her fingers over my lips. “You don’t need to apologize. What you did for me when I fell was all the proof I needed that you were a good guy. I’m surprised honestly you were attracted me, but it’s awesome.”
“Why would you be surprised?”
She shrugs. “I figured you’d be into super glamorous women. Supermodel types. Not someone normal like me.”
“Normal.” I laugh. “You are anything but. I’ve never met a person more into Christmas. Always smiling. Showing me kindness even when it wasn’t returned. I think you’re amazing, Harper.”
With a gorgeous smile, she runs her fingers through my hair. “Your hair is amazing. Your eyes are so nice. Your face is, well, you’re hot.” I grin. “But your kiss, Brendan…” Her smile fades. “Your kiss is how I always dreamed of being kissed. It’s the nicest one I’ve ever had.”
“I’ll give you as many as you like.”
“Starting now.”
~~~
I open my eyes to the sound of Christmas music wafting into the room. And coffee. Thank god she made coffee. I sit up, rubbing my forehead. What a night. Talking about everything until three in the morning, but it was the best night of my life. I think…I smile…actually, I’m pretty sure I fell a little bit in love with her.
I climb out of bed and go downstairs to find her. As I approach the kitchen, I can hear her singing along to the music playing. Her voice is sweet, girlish, angelic. I could get used to waking up to that sound. I walk around the corner to see her rolling out something on the counter.
“What are you doing?”
She looks up and smiles. "Ah, you're up. How were your two hours of sleep?"
“Not as good as the hours I spent awake talking to you.”
I walk over to her and pull her by the waist into my arms. “My hands are dirty.”
“Don’t care.” I nuzzle her neck as she laughs softly. “What are you making?”
“Gingerbread. I want the dough to rest while I’m at work.”
“Are you making cookies?”
“No. A gingerbread house.”
I close my eyes as a memory rushes back of mom and me…
“Are you okay?”
I glance down at her. “We used to do that together. Me and mom.”
Harper smiles. “Us too. Then we smashed it on Christmas day and ate pieces of it. This is the first one I’ve ever made in my own home.”
I swallow hard. “I’d like to help you. You know, decorate it. Unless you want to do it alone.”
“Are you sure?”
I nod. “Yeah. I think it’s time I started making some new Christmas memories.”
“That’s why I’m making it. I wanted to start my own tradition. I don’t want to wait for a husband and kids. I can make a gingerbread house. I can smash it on Christmas morning. I can make new memories with a handsome man named Brendan.” I feel overwhelmed. Just like the day my feelings for her scared me, except this time, it feels good. “Brendan?”
I lean down and kiss her lips softly. “Last night was awesome for me. For a minute I was thinking I should’ve tried this sooner. You know, trying to be happy.” I cup her cheek. “But I couldn’t have done it before now. I needed you.”
“That makes me feel really good. You deserve to be happy. We all do. You deserve love and affection and laughter. All of it.”
“So do you, Harper.”
“I know.” She laughs and dots my nose with a flour covered finger. “Now let me finish so I can shower for work.”
“Mmm, shower, huh?”
She laughs. “Yep. As nice as it would be to lie in bed with you all day. We should probably be responsible.”
I wiggle my eyebrows at her. "I'm always responsible. I think it would be fun to be reckless. I think," I pull her closer, "We should lie in bed all day. We should sleep in each other's arms, and later we'll get up, and we'll make a gingerbread house. Then I promise I'll let you go to work tomorrow if you promise to have dinner with me after."
She grins up at me. “Really? You want to stay home and hang out again?”
“I do. More than anything in the world. Will you get in trouble at work?”
She shakes her head. “No. I’m caught up. It’s slow this time of year.”
“Then you’ll do it?”
“I’ll do it.”
I smile big. “Awesome.”
She drags a finger down my arm. “We didn’t get to the story of the tattoos. We can do that today.”
I nod. “I’ll tell you about each one.”
“It surprises me that you have some. You seem so, I don’t know, pristine.”
I laugh. "There's an adjective I've never been called. I got them a few years ago when I went through some stuff. I don't regret it though. I love them, and they mean a lot."
“I can’t wait to hear all about it.” She sprinkles some flour on the dough. “You never told me what happened to Ron, your stepfather. Is he around?”
"He lives across the country. After my mom passed, he wanted to keep me, but my grandmother insisted
on taking me. We stayed in touch, and he would send gifts and cards for holidays and important events." I lean on the counter. "I should call him. I haven't in a while."
“That’s what Christmas is for. Family and friends are important.”
I nod, considering my next statement. “I know you have family here, but…” I look away, not wanting to impose on her.
“But what?”
“Maybe we can hang out a little on Christmas day?”
She looks at me like I’m crazy. “Hang out a little? Brendan, you’re invited to be here. All day. If I’m lucky, I’ll wake up next to you. We’ll have coffee and make breakfast, and then later I’ll introduce you to my family. As long as you’re in my life, my family includes you.”
“I’m not imposing?”
“Now you’re just being silly. After everything we discussed last night do you really think I would let you be alone on Christmas day?”
“No.”
“Right. So get used to me, Mr. King.”
I smile at her. “Happily.”
Chapter Ten: Harper
“Okay, what you do, is dip the candy into the icing and then put it on the roof.”
Brendan looks at me with a raised eyebrow. “I’ve done this before.”
“Like thirty years ago.”
“Not quite. I’m only thirty-one.”
“Oh right.” I laugh. “Anyway, I’m very particular on how I like my decorations.”
“I couldn’t tell from your magazine perfect home.”
“I like things how I like them.”
“I do too. My style is modern, minimal. Yours is…stuff everywhere.”
I play punch his arm. “Hey.”
“Nice stuff. Just you’ll notice the difference when you come over.” He leans across the island until he’s close to my face. “How about tonight?”
“What?”
“You sleep in my bed. That’s a memory I definitely want.”
“Why is it a memory if it can happen whenever you want?”
He gently pinches my chin. "I've never slept with a woman I wasn't sleeping with if you know what you I mean."
Brendan Page 5
