A Wild Fright in Deadwood (Deadwood Humorous Mystery Book 7)

by Ann Charles

  If Hawke was going to come around to mess with me, I was going to give him something to remember me by. “You have a stain on your tie.”

  He lifted his wide, red and blue striped tie. “Where?”

  “Not you,” I smiled down at the empty passenger seat. “I’m talking to your police buddy here.”

  Detective Hawke’s gaze narrowed. “What buddy?”

  I pointed at the head rest. “The one right here.”

  Last month, I’d told Detective Hawke I was a medium, going so far as to carry on conversations with empty walls and doors in order to screw with his mind. In our little pissing match I’d called him on his “witch” accusation and raised him a “medium” claim, laying down a straight ghost flush to take the upper hand.

  “Be quiet for a second,” I silenced Hawke when he started to speak. I cocked my head to the side, pretending to listen to the fake ghost. “Does Detective Hawke know about that?” I asked the thin air.

  Hawke’s bushy black unibrow wrinkled at me. “Knock it off, Ms. Parker.”

  I ignored him, speaking again to the empty headrest. “He did what with key evidence?”

  “I’m not playing games here.”

  “What about the murder weapon?” I continued, ignoring the blusters coming from the detective’s side of the vehicle.

  “Keep it up, Violet, and I’ll arrest you.”

  “What’s that?” I asked the headrest. “Detective Hawke can’t arrest me without probable cause?”

  Hawke revved the engine. “Get out of here or I’ll run over your pointy toes.”

  Pointy toes? Ah, we were back to witches. I let out a loud, cackling laugh and wiggled my fingers at him. “I’ll get you, my pretty,” I said as he shifted into gear, “and your little dog, too!”

  Detective Hawke spit gravel at me in his haste to leave my witchy side. What a jerk.

  I held my phone to my ear. “Did you get all of that, Nat?”

  “You’re sending your flying monkeys after the self-righteous blowhard, aren’t you?”

  “I can’t. They’re out on another vengeful mission.”

  “Oh, yeah? Tell me more. Who else are we venge-ing today?”

  “Rex.”

  Silence came from the other line, followed by the sound of something crashing.

  “Rex Conner,” I clarified in case she hadn’t heard me.

  “I heard you the first time but had to hit pause so I could kick something.”

  That explained the crash sound.

  “What is good ol’ Rex up to today?”

  “The bastard stopped by Cooper’s house while I was showing it to some potential buyers and threatened me.”

  “That son of a bitch!” She growled and hissed, or maybe our connection was breaking up. “I’m gonna kill him.”

  “Can I watch?”

  “No. It sounds like you’re already at the top of the suspect list for Wanda’s death.”

  I’d texted her after leaving Doc’s office on Saturday, keeping her apprised of Cooper’s news about Wanda’s murder.

  “But I’ll tell you what,” she said, “I’ll bring you a trophy after I’m done.”

  “Deal.” That reminded me of Prudence and her trophy teeth.

  I rubbed the back of my neck where my tension was knotted and double-knotted. “You’re coming to Aunt Zoe’s tonight for supper, right?”

  “Are you cooking?”

  “No, Harvey is.”

  “Then I’ll make sure to be there.”

  “He’s making baked barbecue chicken.”

  “Please tell me you didn’t kill Elvis.”

  “Not yet, but I give no promises. Doc will be there, too.”

  “Good! He and I need to make plans on how to make Rex’s life complete and utter hell until the rat-bastard skips town again.”

  “Unfortunately, he’s not going anywhere soon. He told me he’s here on a year-long grant, working in the research lab up in Lead.”

  She sighed. “Do you think if I slept with Detective Hawke, he’d look the other way when I kill Rex?”

  “Probably not. You could give it a shot with Cooper, though.”

  “Nah, he’s not into the local crop of girls.”

  Not usually, but I was pretty sure he’d make an exception for Natalie. However, Cooper’s current fixation with my best friend was my gem of a secret. And Doc’s, too, since he’d figured it out the same night I had. And Cooper’s secret, of course. Oh, and I had a suspicion Harvey might know as well. But that was it as far as I knew. Normally, I didn’t like to keep secrets from Natalie, especially after the last time I’d kept my lips sealed up tight.

  This new crush, for lack of a more mature word, that Cooper had going for Natalie was different. First of all, I wasn’t sure how long it would last, so why open the door to yet another heartbreak if Cooper grew bored of the chase and moved on to his next prey. Secondly, Natalie had spent her life bouncing from one shitty boyfriend to the next. This summer, after limping away from another heartbreaker, she’d taken a sabbatical from men. Things had been bumpy at the start thanks to an initial attraction to Doc, but after she’d found out he and I were an item, she’d flown the straight and narrow, keeping her heart to herself.

  Over four months had passed since going on her sabbatical. Four months in which she’d been rebuilding her self-confidence and growing a stronger, less love-prone heart. It was because of this new, happier Natalie that I didn’t want to tell her that the steely-eyed detective who’d shot down her flirting attempts in the past had apparently changed his mind.

  The sound of a door closing made me glance back at the pink house. My clients stood on the porch waiting for me.

  “Nat, I gotta go. I’ll see you tonight.” I hung up and joined my clients, leading them to my SUV.

  Two hours later I was back in Aunt Zoe’s kitchen washing up some dirty cups and coffee mugs, while Harvey spread another layer of his homemade, secret-recipe barbecue sauce over a glass baking dish full of chicken. A sweet, tangy scent filled the air. It was a good thing I was standing over the sink or there would’ve been drool all over the floor.

  Layne skidded into the kitchen. “Doc’s here,” he announced and then dashed back out again.

  My kids were starting to warm up to the idea of my having a boyfriend, but there were still nail-biting moments for all when it came to Doc. Layne seemed to have found some common ground on the book front, since Doc was an avid history buff, too. Addy still wanted her best friend to be her sister, though, which matched me with Jeff Wymonds, whom I liked in a father of my kid’s friend sort of way, but that was it. For the time being, however, Addy had eased up and was now talking to Doc instead of giving him—and me—the cold shoulder.

  As for me, I kept waiting for the day Doc stood up from the kitchen table after witnessing yet another round of my kids pounding on each other with me screaming at them from the ropes, grabbed his car keys, and wished us all a good life. For a guy who’d been a bachelor for thirty-nine years, he was settling into family life with only a few grimaces.

  I glanced at the clock. Natalie should be here soon, too.

  Doc joined Harvey and me, setting a small white box down on the table. “Hey, Willis,” he nodded at Harvey, and then came my way, looking comfortable in his black jeans and maroon, long sleeve shirt. His lips were cool when he kissed me hello; his hands were even colder when they playfully slipped under the hem of the T-shirt I’d thrown on after getting home.

  I screeched at his freezing touch on my stomach and danced out of his reach, snapping him with the dish towel when he tried to follow me around the table.

  “Be good,” I told him, giving him a mock glare.

  He held up his hands in surrender. “I’ll be good if you promise to let me stay longer tonight.”

  “Cross my heart. Satan’s bride has left the building.”

  “When was yer sister here?” Harvey asked. He’d met Susan once before and put up with my ranting and raving long after
she’d left.

  “Last night.” I was sort of worried about her driving off this morning without any parting jabs. That wasn’t normal Psycho Susan behavior, and I wasn’t naïve enough to believe she hadn’t planted any poison apples around the house.

  I pointed at the box Doc had brought. “What’s that?”

  “Willis told me to bring dessert.” He rubbed his hands together to warm them, joining Harvey at the stove. “That smells great.”

  What kind of dessert comes in a small box? It was too small for a pie or cake and not cold enough to be ice cream. I opened the lid and gasped in excitement. Chocolate truffles!

  “You’re my hero,” I told Doc, licking my lips. I reached for one of the truffles with a coffee bean stuck to the top. Kahlua and cream if I remembered right. A perfect reward after an asshole-filled day.

  Harvey came flying out of nowhere and smacked my knuckles with a wooden spoon.

  “Ouch!” I cradled my hand against my chest. “What’d you do that for? I was just going to touch it a tiny bit.”

  “Don’t be saddlin’ horses that ain’t yer own.” He threatened to whack my knuckles again, his gold teeth gleaming through his bearded grin. “Them there are my favorites, especially the ones with red on top. They’re called a ‘Hot Mama’ and have three differ’nt kinds of peppers in ‘em.”

  “Yum.”

  He snickered. “I like my truffles how I like my women.”

  “Sweet and hot?”

  “Soft and messy.”

  The memory of a certain plaid suit jacket stained with strawberry scented love goop surfaced. I frowned over at Doc. “I shouldn’t have asked.” I reached for the box. “I’ll put them up so the kids don’t sneak any.”

  “The kids.” Harvey gave me a squint. “Right.”

  I stuck my tongue out at him and then placed the box on top of the fridge for later, grabbing the bottle of tequila for now.

  “Where’s Zoe?” Doc asked, taking the beer I’d grabbed for him from the fridge.

  “Out in her workshop. She should be in soon.”

  He pointed at the tequila. “Are you celebrating or drowning?”

  “The latter,” I said. “You want to sink with me?”

  He shook his head. “I’ll watch you thrash around from the beach. What happened today?”

  The doorbell rang before I could answer him.

  A quick wince flashed across his face. “Someone’s here.”

  “That should be Nat.”

  “Let’s hope your sister hasn’t returned,” Doc said. “I don’t want to miss Harvey’s barbecue chicken.”

  “Addy,” I hollered. “Can you get that?”

  “I’m washing my chicken,” she yelled back.

  That damned bird took more baths than Addy did, especially now that my old water pick had Elvis’s name on it. I wasn’t joking. Addy had written it with black permanent marker so nobody got confused—or grounded again—when my new one arrived in the mail later this week.

  “Layne, get the door.” I didn’t bother asking this time.

  “Come on, Mom!” He pounded down the stairs. “What am I? Your butler?”

  “He’d look adorable in a little suit and tie,” I whispered to Doc, and then hollered back, “You’re the one who wants to be the man of the house. So be a man and get the darn door.”

  “Better watch it, Doc,” Harvey warned while crumbling the leftover bacon from breakfast into a saucepan of green beans. “She’s rough on the men in her life. Always huntin’ trouble with a big gun.”

  “Rough and ornery.” Doc chuckled and then took a sip of beer. “That’s how I like my women.” He winked at me.

  I blew an air-kiss back at him and grabbed a small glass out of the cupboard. “I thought you liked me soft.”

  “Only to the touch,” he shot back with a glint in his eyes.

  “Hubba hubba,” I joked and cut the tequila with some lime juice and a sprinkle of sugar.

  “So what happened today, Tiger?” Doc asked again, leaning back against the counter next to me as I stirred my drink.

  I hesitated, hating to ruin supper before we’d even started.

  “Natalie’s here,” Layne called from the dining room.

  The first sip of tequila burned a little going down. “I’ll tell you in a minute.”

  Natalie strolled into the kitchen with a cocky smile on her full lips. Judging from her black yoga pants and faded orange sweatshirt with a cutoff hem, she must have come straight from the Rec Center. Her hair was pulled back in a crooked ponytail, her face makeup free. With my vampire skin and curly blonde rat’s nest I had always envied her olive skin and rich brown waves.

  “I have something for you,” she told me and set a side mirror from a car on the table. The glass was shattered into a spider web of cracks.

  Leaving my tequila on the counter next to Doc, I joined her at the table and picked up the mirror with care. There was a sizeable dent in the casing, the black paint flaking off all around it. “What’s this?”

  Harvey joined me, tapping the casing with his wooden spoon. “It’s a car mirror, girl.”

  “I know that.” I snatched his spoon from him and smacked him on the shoulder with it before handing it back.

  Harvey smirked at Doc. “See what I mean ‘bout her? Like a wasp with two stingers.”

  “But they’re sexy stingers.” Doc took another swig of beer.

  “I meant why is Nat giving me a broken car mirror?”

  We both turned to Natalie, who picked up my glass of tequila and leaned against the counter next to Doc.

  “Well,” she paused to toss back some of my drink, “it sort of fell off a certain black Jaguar parked up at the research lab when I rammed it with the front bumper of my pickup.”

  “A black Jaguar, huh?” Doc aimed a frown at me. “Does this have something to do with tonight’s tequila?”

  Nodding, I looked down at the broken mirror and then back up again, my love for my best friend warming me inside and out. “Did you really hit Rex’s car?”

  She held up her hand, her index finger almost touching her thumb. “Just a teeny bit.”

  “Nicely done, Beals.” Doc held out his beer toward her, which she toasted with my shot glass.

  “You better hide that somewhere,” Harvey told me, heading back to the stove.

  “From the kids?”

  “From Coop.”

  “Coop?”

  “Yeah,” he glanced up at the clock. “The boy should be here any minute now.”

  What?!! “Who invited Cooper?” I glared at each of them in turn. All three had a soft heart when it came to that damned detective. Call me silly, but I preferred my barbecue chicken without a side of snarling law-dog.

  Harvey pointed his wooden spoon at Doc. “Your boyfriend.”

  I turned to Doc with my mouth open in a silent shout.

  “I couldn’t let him stay home alone tonight.” Doc reached out and snagged my hand, reeling me in. “Besides, Harvey’s chicken is one of Coop’s favorites.”

  “Fine.” I leaned into Doc’s side as his arm snaked around my waist. “But I don’t have to be nice to him do I?” I stole my glass of tequila from Natalie, or what was left of it, and gulped down the last few drops.

  Doc kissed my temple. “Just promise me you won’t bite.”

  “What if he bites first?”

  The back door opened and Aunt Zoe stepped inside, taking off her coat. “Hi, Doc and Nat.” She was wearing a worn, holey shirt and matching holey jeans. She patted Harvey’s shoulder on the way to the sink. “That smells wonderful, Willis.”

  “Should be ready in ten more minutes. I just put the final veneer on ‘er.”

  She soaped and rinsed her hands. “What’s with the broken mirror on the table?” Aunt Zoe didn’t miss much, especially when it came to me and the kids. Her gaze landed on Doc as she towel dried. “It’s not from your Camaro is it?”

  He shook his head.

  “It’s from a certa
in black Jaguar,” I said.

  She laughed, catching on immediately. “What happened?”

  Doc glanced down at me. “I’ve been wondering that since Violet got out the tequila.”

  Glancing into the dining room to make sure the kids weren’t near, I kept my voice low and told them what had happened in front of Cooper’s house, leaving out Rex’s name in case any young ears were eavesdropping.

  When I finished, Aunt Zoe grabbed Natalie by the shoulders and planted loud kisses on both of her cheeks. “Have I told you how much I love you lately, Natalie?”

  Natalie grinned. “Oh, I’m just getting started.”

  “Just be careful.” I grabbed the mirror from the table and took it inside the pantry, tucking it behind a box of pancake mix. “Cooper has a handcuff fetish.”

  “Handcuffs can be fun,” she said, making a woo-woo face.

  “Sure, if they’re fur-lined, but Cooper’s are wrapped with barbed wire.”

  “Make that razor wire, Parker,” Cooper said, barging into the kitchen and jarring me out of my happy post-tequila haze. “But those particular cuffs are reserved only for troublemakers like you.”

  The detective apparently had left his coat by the front door. His hair looked extra spikey tonight, his tan shirt sleeves rolled up to his mid-forearms, his skull tie loosened at the neck. He must have come straight from work. I bet he still smelled like the police station, too, which was a scent that made me shudder after spending hours in one of Cooper’s cells. As he greeted everyone, my eye got all twitchy about how at ease he seemed in Aunt Zoe’s kitchen, aka my private lair.

  “Razor wire cuffs, huh?” Natalie grinned at Doc. “It’s a good thing Vi likes it rough.” She crossed to the refrigerator. “Want a beer, Coop?”

  “Sure.”

  Natalie had her head in the fridge, so she didn’t notice Cooper sneaking peeks at her butt in those yoga pants. But I did, and so did Harvey, who shook his head as if Cooper were walking the plank.

  Natalie handed him a beer with a smile, which faltered under the intensity of his stare. After several silent seconds, she asked, “Is there something on my face?” and looked over at me with raised eyebrows.

  “Yeah,” I answered. “A nose.”

  She wrinkled said appendage at me. “Smartass.”