by Barbara Bard
Declan cursed.
“I thought not.”
“Ye think ye are sae superior tae us. Ye are wrong. We can dae anything ye can.”
“I am quite sure, like get drunk and fall asleep. Who are you anyway? Are you the servant boy around here?”
“Servant boy?” He exclaimed.
Catherine smiled, for she had evidently touched a nerve.
“I am nae servant boy. I am a warrior.”
“And why is a warrior stuck on guard duty?”
“Because people dinnae appreciate me. At least, they hae the good sense tae lock ye up. Nae like the others.”
“The others? You mean Rosemary and Sarah?”
“Aye, yer friends.”
“They are no friends of mine, of that I can assure you. If I had my way I would be far away from here, in a comfortable room with a feast laid out for me. This is just about the worst place I could imagine myself being.”
“It is more than ye deserve.”
“Why, because I'm Sassenach?”
“Aye.”
“I fail to see what that has to do with anything. I am an Sassenach lady, not a soldier. I had no part to play in that battle and it is highly unfair of you to keep me here. Sarah made a mistake, one that she will rectify shortly I am sure. Soon I shall be on my way home and I will never have to hear your terrible voice again.”
“I wish all three of ye would gae home. Life would be much simpler. We would nae have tae worry about what ye can dae tae us.”
“What we can do? There's not much I can do from behind this door. I fail to see why you are so worried about a few Sassenach girls running amok in the Highlands. The only danger you have from me is from my father, who will be coming presently to rescue me. Of course, when this door opens I may well kick your shins, but that is hardly ladylike. Why do we cause so much fear in you?”
A few moments of silence passed as Declan seemed to be considering his answer. Catherine pictured his face in her mind. Young and handsome, he was unlike the other monstrous Highlanders, but he was hardly a gentleman either. Of course, there was some physical attraction there, purely a primal thing, but there was no culture, and she was quite sure that he would never be able to hold a sophisticated conversation. The thought of him at a dinner party brought Catherine great amusement, although at this moment she stifled a laugh.
“I fear what ye can dae. Ye hae ways of making men dae what ye want, and that can nae happen tae the clan. We hae always feared Sassenach rule, but is this nae another way of that happening? Blair has already changed because of Rosemary's influence. Can we truly call ourselves Highlanders if we let ye make decisions for us? I just want ye tae leave us alone.”
“You'll get no argument from me there. I wish my brother had never thought to take me to that wretched battle. Still, I don't see why it should bother you too much. There are plenty of other clans as far as I understand it. Why not go to one of them?”
“Ye dinnae understand. This is my clan. This is my family. I have a duty tae them, a connection. I could gae tae other clans, but it would nae be the same. Would ye be happy tae live as a stranger somewhere else?”
“No, and that is precisely why I wish to leave. I will have words with Sarah soon, and make it clear to her that I do not want to stay. She keeps saying that I am not a prisoner, well, if that is true then I should be allowed to leave whenever I wish.”
“Ye can wish all ye like, but it is doubtful that is gaeing tae happen. I'd prefer ye tae leave tae. At least then I would nae hae tae guard ye.”
“Then let me out,” Catherine said frantically, sensing a sliver of hope from the man. “Free me and let me run away. We can make it look like it was an accident. I'll flee to England and you'll never have to worry about me again.”
Declan laughed. “Dae ye take me for a fool?”
“I thought you might be smart enough to see an opportunity.”
“I am smart enough tae know that I hae already done enough tae bring the wrath of my cousins down on me,” he said. “Ye shall be staying here for a while longer yet.”
“And I suppose I am stuck with you as my guard.”
“It seems that we are both being punished. There are many places I would rather be.”
“I'm sure, like hunting or the like. I have to be honest with you, Declan, I am going quite mad here. Is there nothing that can be done to alleviate my suffering? Are there no books around here that I can at least distract myself with?”
“Old Will has some documents. I dinnae know if I would call them books though.”
“Oh this is just the worst. What did I ever do to be stuck here?”
“Is this really that bad?”
“Are you serious? Do you even realize that you're living in squalor? No, I suppose you don't, do you. Tell me, Declan, have you ever been to England?”
“Nay, nor dae I wish tae.”
“Well, you are missing out. The estates there are lavish, like little towns of their own. There are tapestries hanging from the wall, books from all over the world on shelves. There is stimulation everywhere! It is quite impossible to get bored. There are games too, and I find myself wondering what you do to occupy your time?”
“We hunt, we fight, we tend tae the crops and cook our meals.”
“Oh, that sounds rather boring. We have servants who prepare our meals for us.”
“Then ye are missing out on the satisfaction ye feel when ye prepare a meal of yer own. Where is the sense of accomplishment ye get? When I hunt an animal, I know I have earned that meal, and it makes it taste all the sweeter. It must be an easy life tae hae everything done for ye, but it cannae be rewarding.”
“I'll have you know it's plenty rewarding. There are loftier ambitions for the spirit than just tending to the land. It's important to educate one's mind.”
“And where did that lead ye? Right here. Yer education did nae dae ye much good.”
“Well, that's because I was fooled. And it takes the right person to appreciate it. I am looking forward to returning home where I can be in proper company and discuss matters of importance with people who understand them.”
“Ye seem tae be sure that ye are gaeing tae be rescued. Can ye be so confident?”
“Indeed,” Catherine said, inclining her head. The thought that her father would not come to her aid had never crossed her mind. “Father would never forsake me. He will be further incensed that my brother was killed as well. I find it amusing how the lot of you are so content in thinking the fight is over when it has not truly begun.”
“We hae beaten ye once, we can dae it again.”
“Then our victory shall be all the sweeter. If I were you, I'd return home and tend to your fields, because it will be a massacre and I doubt that many of you will survive.”
“I cannae,” he said. There seemed to be a weight to his words that belied his young years.
“What do you mean? Are you so tied to your duty that you have no choice but to fight? Perhaps you are just a prisoner here as I am.”
“It is nae sae simple. My father was wounded in the last war. He cannae fight, and it pains him greatly. If I chose nae tae fight it would bring him great shame, shame I could nae bear. I hae tae earn honor and glory for the both of us.”
For the first time during their conversation Catherine found herself directly interested in his feelings as a person, not just in using him to pass the time. Their sniping had been enjoyable, but the conversation was taking a heavier turn.
“Declan, do you actually want to go to war?”
There was a heavy breath before he answered. “I dae. It is natural for Highlanders tae want tae fight. I want tae make my name on the battlefield and remind everyone of my father's glory. I need tae protect the land and earn my glory, else I shall be forgotten, and my life will be worth nothing.”
“Life is never worth nothing, no matter what you do. What I mean to say is that if you had a choice is there nothing else you would rather do?”
“My father told me when I was younger that our way is war. He said we should be proud to serve our clan and defend it nae matter who attacks. The greatest honor we can hae is tae prove ourselves in battle, tae test our strength against our enemies, and emerge triumphant. I hae spent my life trying tae live up tae my father's standards, and I can only hope that I get the opportunity.”
“Would you rather not stand by where it is safe?”
“Only cowards refuse war,” Declan said bluntly. It was a stark sentiment and one which sent tremors through Catherine's soul, for she realized that the Sassenach and the Highlanders were far more similar than she would have cared to admit.
“The way you speak reminds me of my brother,” she said softly, remembering how eager Harold had been to prove himself against the Highlanders, to show their father that he was worthy of respect. It had led to Harold's death. If only he had been more careful, and less hellbent on getting justice for perceived crimes then there would have been no battle and Harold would still be alive.
Catherine began to weep.
“Dinnae dae me the disrespect of comparing me with that coward,” Declan said.
“Coward? I'll have you know that Harold was brave. He had his faults, but he was a soldier and he fought the good fight,” she said, her voice trembling with emotion as tears spilled down her cheeks.
“He was a coward who hid behind his lines until it was tae late, then he tried tae scheme his way tae victory against Drew. Aye, he was talented with a blade, but he was nae a man of honor.”
“Stop it! You are horrid!” Catherine said, not wanting to hear the truth about her brother, for she did not want to speak ill of the dead. “I hate it here. I hate it here and I want to leave! Let me out. Let me out now!” she said, beating her fists against the door. Behind the door she could hear Declan trying to get her to calm down, but it was no use. Catherine's emotions were high and she beat her fists until her bones began to ache and her skin was crimson.
Before too long she collapsed in a heap, weeping, then the door opened. Sarah and Rosemary were there, scooping her up in their arms. They comforted her and took her downstairs outside. Through her blurred vision, Catherine saw Declan standing behind them by the door. Was there a look of concern on his face? No, surely, she must be mistaken.
The two Sassenach women supported Catherine as they helped her outside and walked away from the camp, to a small valley where a stream trickled by.
“Let's get you cleaned up,” Sarah said, and helped her wash. Catherine was in complete disarray and did not have the will to defy their wishes.
“How can you stand being in this place? It's horrible!” she wailed. Sarah and Rosemary gave each other a worried glance.
“Take some time, have a drink, and bathe in the stream. It may help you to calm down,” Rosemary said. “I shall return to the kitchen and fetch us some food.”
Catherine slipped out of her clothes and dipped her skin in the water. It was surprisingly warm, and crystal clear. She bowed her head underneath and when she rose flecks of water spilled out. Her hair grew heavy and clung together, but she felt refreshed. She let the water come up to her shoulders and enjoyed the feeling of being supported in the stream. Sarah remained sitting on the riverbank, watching over Catherine's clothes. She drew her knees into her chest.
“I feel I owe you an apology, Catherine. I did not mean to cause you any harm. I thought I was doing what was best for you, but I see now that I did so without consulting you. I thought that you shared my feelings and wanted to live your life. I am truly sorry that I made an error in judgment.”
“Thank you, Sarah, but it does still not change the present fact that I am here. I assume that I will not be allowed to leave?”
“I don't believe so. There is some tension between those who do not trust us, and if we let you leave they will only think you are a spy. Perhaps after some time has passed you will be able to move more freely, when the memory of the recent battle has passed from people's minds.”
“The guard is one of those who doesn't trust you. He seems to think that you are seeking to take over the clan and twisting the minds of the men you love.”
“If we are twisting their minds then they are in turn twisting ours,” Sarah said, smiling, “but I have quickly learned that that is the way of love. We learn from each other, and make each other better. At least, that is the way it is supposed to be. If you get to know Blair and Drew properly you will find that there is nothing that could sway them from a course of action if they were determined to take it.”
“Are you truly happy here, Sarah?”
“I am, happier than I would have been anywhere else.”
“Would you say the same if you did not have Drew? If you were in my position, would you really want to stay here, feeling alone?”
“I cannot say for certain. Perhaps not. I acted quickly and rashly, but it was a time for heated moments when emotions ran high. I am sorry that my mistake has caused you such suffering and indignity.”
“It is all well for you and Rosemary for you have found men to share your lives with, but what about me? I now have no hope of living the life I wanted.”
“The life you wanted, or your father wanted?” Sarah asked pointedly. Catherine did not appreciate the question, but she answered it anyway given all that she and Sarah had been through.
“We wanted the same life, but while he wanted to marry me off purely for the status, I wanted to marry to have a family. I liked the idea of raising a child, of making him or her better than I was. I wanted to leave a legacy behind, to be better parents than my own as well. There are so many mistakes I've witnessed that I have longed to correct, but unless things take a much different turn I am unlikely to see that happen.”
“Life takes strange twists and turns. One never knows what it going to happen next.”
At that point Rosemary returned with some food and a rough blanket. Catherine stepped out of the water, feeling refreshed, and wrapped herself in the blanket before she dried. Sarah got to work at cleaning Catherine's clothes, seeming to fall into old habits of being a handmaiden. Catherine was about to let her do it, figuring that it was the least Sarah could do to make up for the hardship she had inflicted upon Catherine, but then Catherine realized that Sarah had escaped this life.
“You do not need to do that,” Catherine said.
“Please, I want to, I know how much you liked this dress,” she said, speaking to the bond they had formed while living together in the same estate.
It would have been far easier to hate Sarah if she had lied about her personality as well as her name, but she was so genuine and sincere Catherine couldn't hate her any more than she could hate a little puppy.
“So, Catherine, it is time we should be acquainted given that we were to be sisters-in-law,” Rosemary said.
“Indeed,” Catherine said tersely, not sure about Rosemary yet. After all, none of this would have happened if Rosemary hadn't run off.
“I would like to offer you my condolences on the death of your brother. I know you must have had great affection for him.”
“I did, for all his faults. I suppose he at least got the death he wanted for himself though, dying in battle. He always saw himself as a hero.”
“I do wish things had been different. But I would like to try and persuade you that you can have a life out here. I know that it is a world apart from what you have been used to, but that does not mean it is without its charm.”
“I know you mean well, but I cannot believe that I will ever get used to this place.”
Rosemary chuckled. “I felt exactly the same when I arrived. I was scared, alone, and although Blair had saved me from certain death I was not sure that I could trust him. The other Highlanders looked upon me with suspicion, and I received more than one death threat.”
Catherine's eyes went wide. Having been so focused on her own plight, Catherine had not given any thought to what it must have been like for the first of them to arri
ve here.
“Why did you stay?” Catherine asked.
“I had nowhere else to go,” Rosemary said simply, and tittered with laughter as she broke some bread and handed some to Catherine. “Really though, I wanted to be there for Blair, and knew that if I took my chances in the forest I would likely die. I also knew that if I made it back to England I would eventually be found and be forced to move forward with my arranged marriage. After the cruelty displayed by...I apologize. I do not mean to speak ill of the dead.”
“It is quite alright. I am more familiar with my brother's faults than most,” Catherine said, intrigued by Rosemary's tale.
“It was a troubling time for the clan. Blair's father died, and Blair had always been reluctant to play the role of leader, the role that had been assigned to him since birth. Part of him wanted to be alone, but I helped to show him how important family was.”
