by Zoe York
“She couldn’t have gone far,” I began, adrenaline rushing through me as I thought of all the possible terrors my daughter could be facing. “You checked the whole place, upstairs and down?” Millie nodded as she still frantically searched the streets. “What about businesses, have you asked any of them?”
“Not yet, I just came outside when I realized that she left. Then, you were here.”
“Okay,” I said, thinking at least Kayla hadn’t been gone long. “Let’s split up and check the stores. You go down this way and I’ll cross the street.”
Millie took off before I’d even finished my sentence, so I started to run across the street, when I heard someone shout my name.
“Jackson.”
My head whipped in the direction of the sound, and I saw Jericho standing outside Prime Beef, waving me over.
“Kayla’s here!” he shouted, and I practically tripped over my feet with relief.
I turned to call out to Millie, but saw her standing still on the sidewalk, tears streaming down her face as she watched us.
“I tried to call you, but your phone kept going straight to voicemail,” Jericho was saying as I got closer. “It just hit me that she was probably coming from your girl’s place, so I was coming over to see if you were there. She’s fine, I got her settled in before coming out to find you. I hope you weren’t too worried.”
“Thanks, man, I turned my phone to silent when I was with my lawyer, and forgot to turn it back.”
I turned back to see if Millie was joining us, but found the street empty. I hoped she was okay, but seeing how distraught she’d been, I figured she needed a minute.
“Can you take me to her?” I asked, thinking I’d grab her then we’d go back to check on Millie, and Kayla would have a lot of apologizing to do.
“Yeah,” Jericho said, clapping me on the back before leading me into his restaurant, through the dining room and into the kitchen.
My gaze took in the chaos, before landing on my daughter set up in the back.
They’d pulled up a barstool, given her a piece of cake and glass of milk. Her head was down as she drew on the paper Jericho had given her, so she didn’t see me approach. I felt a quick rush of relief that she was safe and sound, followed by a flash of anger as I remembered that panic on Millie’s face.
She’d thought my daughter was in danger, and the reality that Kayla was sitting here like she was having the time of her life made me angrier with her than I’d ever been.
“Kayla.”
My tone had Kayla jumping in her seat, and she turned to me with a smile and a, “Hi, Daddy,” before she registered the look on my face and the smile fell.
“Get up,” I ordered, and I saw her gaze swing to Jericho before she slid off the stool and walked slowly toward me. I turned to Jericho and said, “Thanks for looking out for her. I’m sorry if she was in the way.”
“Not at all,” my buddy replied. “I’m here for you.”
I nodded, then pointed toward the door and told Kayla, “Go.”
I walked behind her, trying to calm down before I said something that I’d regret, but I was so angry and disappointed in her, and those were emotions I’d never felt for my daughter before. Not on that level.
Once we got outside and I looked around to make sure we didn’t have an audience, I turned to Kayla with a frown.
“I am beyond disappointed in you, young lady. You know better than to run off like that, you’re nine years old, not four.” I watched Kayla’s shoulders sag and fought the guilt at making her feel bad. “Millie was out of her mind with worry. She didn’t know if you were hurt, taken, or worse … You need to go over there right now and apologize. For everything. Whatever you did to her flowers, for arguing with her, saying mean things, and disappearing. You probably need to make it up to her somehow … I don’t know, I’ll talk to her. Maybe you can clean up the kitchen or something.”
Kayla’s chin began to quiver as her eyes filled.
“I’m sorry, Daddy…”
“Save it for Millie,” I said, then put my hand on her shoulder and guided her across the street.
When we went into the front area, then the kitchen, where I saw the beautiful flowers Millie had been working on broken in a heap on the floor, I looked at Kayla and saw her wince. When we didn’t see Millie, we went upstairs and knocked on her door.
After a few moments, I heard movement behind the door. When the door didn’t open, I knocked again, and waited.
Finally, the door opened slowly and Millie peered out, her face swollen and puffy from crying, but before I could apologize, she looked from Kayla, then to me and stated, “I’m sorry, I can’t do this...”
Millie
“What do you mean?” Jackson asked, his face conveying his confusion.
I looked pointedly from him to Kayla and whispered, “Now’s not the time…”
Jackson looked down at his daughter, who was watching me with a shocked expression, then brought his gaze back to mine and stated, “I’ll be back.”
I watched numbly as he grasped Kayla and started walking her away from my door and down the hall. I noticed Kayla still watching me as I quietly shut the door, crossed to my chaise, and resumed the position I’d been in.
Fetal.
Sobs erupted again as decades-old sorrow filled me, compounded by the fresh pain I was feeling now.
It felt like only moments before rapid knocking sounded at the door, like gunfire to my heart, and I rose, my stomach sinking at the thought of what I was about to do.
What I had to do…
I opened the door without looking, without waiting to acknowledge who was there, and spun on my heel to go back to my couch, my safe haven. I crawled back on my chaise, pulled a throw pillow on my lap, and hugged it, along with my knees, to my chest, as a sort of armor. Only then did I force my eyes to see Jackson, who’d grabbed the tissues off my table and was holding them out to me.
His kindness only made me cry harder.
“Jesus, Millie,” Jackson bit out, his hand going through his hair so hard he was practically pulling it. “What is going on?”
I did my best to pull myself together, realizing that the faster I got this over with, the faster he would be gone, and I would no longer have to face his perfection in person, I would only be left with the reminder.
Once I felt capable of forming sentences, I used one tissue to mop up my face, then another to blow my nose, before taking a deep breath and starting straight ahead as I spoke.
“Kayla isn’t ready for this,” I began, my voice hoarse. “I should have known when we started. I guess I did know, at least I’d had reservations about you still being married … but I should have known that Kayla wasn’t ready for you to seriously date anyone else.”
“Millie,” Jackson began, obviously upset and wanting to contradict what I was saying, but I kept talking.
“Please, let me get this out.”
When he was silent, I continued, “She hates me. I mean, not me, because she doesn’t know me, but she hates the thought of me. Of what I represent. First her mom left, now it’s just been confirmed that she doesn’t have any plans to come back, so, of course, Kayla is going to latch even harder on to you, and view anyone who could compete with her for your attention as a threat. She needs time…”
I could tell Jackson was biting his tongue. He wanted to speak so badly that he was squirming in his seat next to me, but being the wonderful man that he is, he respected my wishes.
Shit.
I took another deep breath.
“When we were little, our dad cheated on our mom, then left us to be with the other woman and never came back. He didn’t say goodbye, or tell the three of us anything, and we’ve never heard from him again. Tasha was angry, kind of like Kayla is now, while Dru pretended nothing happened. I, was devastated. I was Daddy’s little girl, one hundred percent.” I was barely whispering now, caught back up in the memories. The pain. “He used to take me everywhere with h
im. To work, fishing, poker night, to all his favorite restaurants. He’s the one who introduced my love of food. When my mom told us that he’d left, I didn’t believe her at first. My daddy wouldn’t do that, so I waited. I waited, and waited, and waited, and he didn’t come back. That first day I slept on the front porch, my mom crying with me as she held me in her arms.”
Jackson scooted a little closer, then stopped, and I knew he was having a hard time keeping his distance.
I turned my face toward him and finally looked in his eyes. He was hurting for me. With me.
“Then I blamed my mother. I was awful to her, just horrible, and she took it. She kept being there for me, holding me while I screamed and cried. Eventually, I became numb. I stopped waiting, stopped looking for him everywhere, and told everyone at school that he’d died. I guess in a way, to me, he was dead.”
After a few moments of silence, Jackson finally spoke up and said, “I’m so sorry, Millie. How old were you?”
I held his gaze as I replied, “Eight.”
Jackson nodded, understanding my point.
“I’m sorry that you went through that, and you were in so much pain, but did it have any bearing on what you felt for your mom when she started dating again?” he asked.
I smiled sadly and shook my head.
“She never did. My mom never went on a date, never brought a man over to meet us, heck, she never even kissed anyone else. He broke her completely. She gave us ninety nine percent of herself for the rest of her days on this earth, but that one percent was always reserved for him.”
“Again, I’m sorry, and I understand your pain, your reservations, but this isn’t that,” Jackson argued as he moved just a little closer.
“Yes, you’ve been separated for a year, but you kept your ring on and your home exactly the same as it had been when your wife was there. I bet all of her things still hang in the closet.” I paused, and when he didn’t protest, I knew I was right. “The divorce isn’t even completed yet, and you and I are hurtling pretty quickly toward a serious relationship. You may be ready for that, but Kayla isn’t. She was still hoping that her mom was going to come home, and she needs more time to come to terms with the fact that Julie isn’t, before she can open herself up to a new woman in your lives.”
“Millie, look, everything your saying has merit,” Jackson said as he stood and began pacing, his tone frantic. “But Kayla will be okay. I’ll talk to her, and we can ease her into it slowly…”
“There’s nothing you can say right now that will change my mind,” I said sadly, my eyes filling once again.
Jackson stopped and crouched in front of me, his hands covering mine gently.
“Not even that I’m in love with you?” he asked, causing my heart to shatter.
I swallowed the lump in my throat and shook my head.
“Not even that,” I managed, then turned my head and shut my eyes, not opening them again until I heard my door softly shut behind him.
Jackson
Zombie.
That was my new persona … A dead man walking.
I had never, not when I was a teenager, not when my wife said she was leaving, felt the way I did when Millie said my love wasn’t enough.
Suddenly the literature I taught, the poems I’d read, the songs I heard on the radio, all took on new meaning. Hurtful, heartbreaking, painful meaning.
I’m not sure how I drove home, made it through the night, and then the rest of the week. I know I’d gone to work, because I had papers to grade, and I knew I’d taken care of Kayla. Helped her with her homework, made her meals … although I couldn’t eat. I didn’t have the appetite for it. And I knew I hadn’t slept.
No, I’d spent the last four nights staring at my ceiling, fighting the urge to call her and beg her to change her mind, my time with Millie playing on a loop like some awful romantic comedy.
The first time I saw her walk out of the kitchen, the day I went there to beg for a tea party.
The way she’d transformed my dining room into a nine-year-old’s dream.
Millie laughing at Rob and Ty in the teacher’s lounge.
The way she’d looked after our first kiss, while laughing, when I moved inside of her.
She was everywhere … In my house, in my truck, at my school. There was no escaping the curve of her lips, the soft length of her neck, the way she’d looked in that flapper dress.
I was obsessed. Possessed. Unable to be present in any situation.
“Daddy,” I heard Kayla call, and struggled to come back to the surface and see what she needed.
I blinked, and looked down at my daughter. I noted that she’d eaten her breakfast, okay, so it’s morning, and that she had on her backpack, which means it’s a school day and I need to go to work.
“Yes, baby?” I asked, pushing back from the counter I’d been leaning against and putting down the cup of coffee I’d held in my hand, but was still full.
“Are you almost ready to go?” Kayla asked softly, her worry for me apparent.
I tried for a smile, which was probably more of a grimace, and said, “Yeah, just give me a minute.”
“Okay, Daddy.”
Kayla had been on her best behavior over the last few days. At first, when I’d come home from Millie’s, she’d been worried about how much trouble she was going to be in, but even though I’d tried to put on a brave face, she’d seen I was upset for a different reason.
Since then, she’d been attentive, helpful, and sweet.
I knew I needed to get over this funk soon, and stop allowing my daughter to comfort me, but I wasn’t there yet. Although, I promised myself as I threw on some jeans and a T-shirt that I would be soon.
“All ready,” I said, hoping I sounded chipper as I walked out of my room.
“Can I go to Grandma’s tomorrow?” Kayla asked once we were in my truck.
I glanced at my daughter and asked, “You want to?”
“Yes, please,” she said softly, her head turned toward the window.
“Of course you can,” I assured her, guilt hitting me.
Shit, I’m being such a drama queen, my own daughter doesn’t want to be around me.
I dropped her off, making a point to give her a hug, so she knows I love her, but not a kiss, so I don’t embarrass her, then watched her rush over to her friends and start talking happily, and smiled my first real smile in days.
See, I’m going to be okay.
Of course, then I got to the high school, which is like a real-live love fest. Kids kissing in the hall, against their lockers, out in the parking lot. And during lunch, not only did I imagine Millie dropping in with cake, but I had to see Rebecca and Ty making goo goo eyes at each other.
Sure, I was happy for them, but right now it was more of a happy with finger quotes, than true happiness.
Mostly I was just envious.
Rob watched me nervously as he ate his turkey sandwich on wheat, as if worried I’d burst out crying at any moment.
For the record, I hadn’t cried once, I’d just had something in my eye at one point.
I trudged down the hall, ready for the day to be over, and tried not to glare at the lovesick teens as I passed. When I entered my room, I was surprised to see my desk covered with a myriad of Little Debbie’s snack cakes.
I’m talking Cosmic Cupcakes, Banana Twins, Honey Buns, Strawberry Shortcake Rolls, and my favorite, Star Crunch.
Once everyone was seated and class was about to begin, I turned to my students and asked, “What’s all this?”
At first no one said anything, then one of the girls, Jeannie, spoke up.
“We noticed you were upset and heard about you and your girlfriend, so we thought you needed a little food therapy. It worked when I broke up with Sergio last month, and with Vic and Tamara.”
I was touched, even as embarrassment flooded me over being so transparent. I really had been sucking at life over the last few days.
“What do you say we change things up
today? Read from a different sort of classic,” I asked, picking up my tablet as I leaned back against my desk and tore open a Star Crunch with my teeth. “A little story called, The Shining.”
Millie
I was going through the motions.
I’d been working on autopilot since Jackson walked out of my apartment. Wake up, shower, shuffle downstairs, cook, bake, clean, sleep, repeat. Luckily, we were fully staffed and Claire had become my right hand, so we hadn’t missed any deadlines, and when I’d made chicken and dumplings instead of chicken pot pie, Claire had fixed things in time for the event.
Dru had come to me only seconds after Jackson left, saying her twin vibes had been tingling and she’d known that I needed her. Soon after, Tasha’d shown up, and the two of them had been my shadows ever since. Even going so far as to sleep in my apartment each night.
I’d felt heartbreak when my dad left, but nothing like what I was feeling with the absence of Jackson in my life. Never pain so acute. And the worse part was that I knew I’d caused Jackson the same amount of pain. Even if I felt like I was doing it for the right reasons, I still hated the thought of him hurting.
I’d never been so emotionally invested in someone other than my family, but Dru kept assuring me that things would get better, although the look on Tasha’s face when Dru said that had me thinking that Tasha still felt the pain of losing Jericho … and that had been years ago.
I’m screwed. Left to stew in the misery of my own making.
“I’m running to meet with a new prospective client,” Tasha said as she came up behind me and hugged my back.
I kept whipping my meringue, but acknowledged her with a nod.
“And I have that interview with the radio station in an hour, so I’m going to go get ready,” Dru added, before kissing my cheek.
