by Willow Rose
I was speechless. I had never looked at it that way. Of course Abhik wanted to be able to blame someone for his miserable life on earth and his too-early death. As I left him in the common room I realized that if I was to talk to Rosey anyway, then I at least owed her the chance to explain herself to me. I needed to ask her why she did it.
I went quickly downstairs and said goodbye to Mick. He asked if he should go with me, but I refused and told him I really needed to do this alone. With a sigh he gave me a “Good luck” and a lunch bag he had made for me. Soon I was flying through the air toward the psychiatric hospital. I had seen the last moments of Rosey’s life in the book and knew she would somehow get hold of a bottle of pills and then swallow them in her own room. So all I had to do was to go into her room and wait for her there.
She hadn’t arrived yet when I got there, so I placed myself in the only chair in the room and unpacked my lunch sack. Sandwiches and chocolate-dipped strawberries for dessert. Mick knew me too well. He had even packed a bunch of pickles for me to snack on when the cravings hit. I smiled while I ate. He was going to be a wonderful father. I just knew it.
Suddenly the door opened and Rosey walked in the room. I wondered why no one had stopped her since it wasn’t normal for Rosey to be walking on her own. My guess was that she had to have moved fast. She had to have grabbed the pills where they were left unsupervised, and then just walked toward her room, trying not to attract any attention. Rosey closed the door behind her and now she took out the small orange bottle of pills. I saw a smile planted on her face. She had been looking forward to this.
“Finally,” she mumbled as she opened the bottle and started taking the pills. First one by one, then she put handfuls in her mouth and swallowed them. Then she drank water from a white plastic cup next to her bed. When she put the cup down she went to the drawer and picked up the framed photo of her family. I felt a twinge in my heart. I had met those people. They were up there right now hoping to soon see their mother and wife again, hoping to be a family again.
I followed Rosey as she lay down in her bed and put the cover over her body and fell asleep while hugging the photo. I took in a couple of deep breaths as I saw how she slowly loosened her grip on life. I can never get used to this, I thought to myself. No matter how often I saw someone die, it was still tough beyond anything I could think of. A few seconds later it happened. Rosey’s spirit rose slowly from her body. Meanwhile the nurses had realized that Rosey was gone and stormed the room. There was a lot of yelling and people running in and out of the room, but neither I nor Rosey took any notice of it. We stood in front of each other and stared into each others’ eyes. I felt how mine were filled with anger and frustration. In hers I saw fear and anxiety. We didn’t speak or move before the Se’irims arrived. I heard their whispering voices and turned to see their pointy shadows on the wall. Rosey saw them too. She looked at me. Then she spoke with a trembling voice:
“Who are they?”
“Those are the Se’irims—evil spirits.”
“Have they come for me? Have they come to take me for what I did to you?”
“Don’t worry. They can’t touch you as long as I am here. But I won’t be long.”
“Wait. I know who you are.”
“Oh do you now? I guess you would.”
“I … I have no words to explain how sorry I am for what I did.”
“Sorry for what? For destroying my family? Let me ask you something. How could you do that after what happened to your own family?”
“I don’t know. If you only knew how often I have asked myself that very question. It has tormented me ever since. Why do you think I have lived like this?”
I sighed as she started to explain.
“I’d lost everything two years earlier. A … a man entered our home and killed my husband in front of me. Then he killed my daughter. I sat with her as she … I had her in my arms when she died. And I couldn’t do anything to stop it from happen. I couldn’t …” tears were in Rosey’s eyes now and I felt another pinch in my heart. “I couldn’t protect my own child.”
“I know your story,” I said while biting my lip. Seeing the pain in her eyes hurt me and made me want to run far away from all of this. “I know what happened to your family, so you don’t have to …”
“But I want to. I want to explain. I need to. I know I am going to hell for what I have done, but I am not leaving this world without at least letting you know how truly sorry and regretful I am for what I did. Please let me.”
I felt my heart beating faster and I had to take some more deep breaths to continue. “Okay,” I said. “I’ll give you that much.”
“I have no idea what happened to me after that night. I was in a very dark place and couldn’t find a way out. I didn’t want to find a way out. It hurt so badly that I was the only one to survive. Every day I wished that I had died instead of them. I really didn’t want to live. I let anger take over in my life. I constantly looked for someone to blame for my misfortune. I hated all people, I hated myself, and I hated God. I was so mad and I had no one to be mad at. The killer was gone. The police never found him, and I was soon forgotten. I was left alone in the darkest place you can imagine. I couldn’t figure out how to live in a world that had killed my baby and I couldn’t figure out how to live with myself. And I certainly couldn’t go back to that house again.
“So I moved away. I moved to a small cabin in the Colorado mountains, deep in a forest, where I lived alone for two years. Alone with my sorrow and hatred. I never saw one soul near the cabin and I only spoke with people when I went to get groceries in a small town nearby. I had no plan at that time, I had no future, and all I wanted was to hide from the world. But I couldn’t escape my sorrow, because it moved with me. It lived inside of me and wouldn’t go away. Oh, the guilt that was building up. I couldn’t bear to be around myself. Slowly the pain darkened my mind and took over completely. I relived that day in the house where my family was killed, every minute of the day. I kept looking for a moment where I could have reacted differently, where I could have done something to stop this from happening. I looked for ways to blame myself. And I kept finding them. And just as I was in my darkest place, you showed up.”
“Me?”
“Yes. You knocked on my door and spread light into my darkness and pain for the first time since that evening in the house.”
“I knocked at your door?”
“Yes. Out of the blue. In the middle of the forest in the mountains, there you were. You were lost, you told me.” Rosey reached out and touched my cheek gently. I pulled away from her. “You looked just like you do now. Beautiful, young, and filled with life.”
“That sounds weird. What was I doing out there?”
“I have no idea. You never told me. I was certain that God had sent you. I was certain you were Mandy who had been sent back to me. To get me out of my dark place. To shed light into my world.”
“You thought I was Amanda?”
“You look so much like her. I thought you were her Angel coming from Heaven to be with me. So I took you inside and gave you food. I thought God had given me my daughter back. You were very hungry and I made you a lot of food.” Rosey laughed. “I was so happy.”
“So what happened?”
“You wanted to leave. You said you had to go home, but I wouldn’t let you. I locked the door and kept you for days but you were crying and wanted to go home all the time. I couldn’t bear to lose you again. To lose my daughter again. I missed her so much, I couldn’t live without her. I couldn’t go back to that place again. I couldn’t be alone again. To see you leave would kill me.”
“So you killed me instead? That makes no sense?”
“No. I kept you in the cabin and all I wanted was for you to stay with me, but you refused. You kept crying and talking about your parents. And it made me so mad. It hurt me so badly.” Rosey writhed as she spoke, like she was feeling her pain all over again. Tears rolled down her cheeks as she spoke. �
��I just wanted you to stay a little longer. But you wouldn’t stop crying. So … so I grabbed you …around your throat. I swear I never wanted to … I just wanted you to shut up. I wanted you to never leave me again. But suddenly you became completely lifeless between my hands and I realized I had done something really wrong.”
I pulled further away from Rosey while slowly shaking my head. “So you killed me?” I had a huge lump in my throat that threatened to explode.
Rosey was crying hard now. She fell on her knees. “I am so sorry … I am … I don’t know how I could have …You have no idea how I have tried to punish myself ever since.”
“Where did you leave my body?” I said through clenched teeth.
“I buried it in a clearing in the forest. I put a little stone on top of it. In the spring it turns into a huge field of daisies. It’s a really beautiful place.”
“Why didn’t you tell the police where it was so my parents could find it and get closure?”
“But you have to understand that after this happened, I completely lost it. It’s not until now that I fully remember all the details. I have tried hard to remember but never could. You have to believe that I would have done anything to bring relief to your family. There’s nothing I would rather do, but I sincerely couldn’t remember anything. My mind had blocked it out. I just knew that I had killed someone and that I had to be punished.”
“I heard the nurses say there was dried-up blood on your clothes. My blood.”
“You were hurt when you came to me. You were bleeding from your knee. I think you had fallen. So I cleaned it for you. It was really bad. Maybe you even still have a scar.”
I nodded. I did, and felt my leg. I was biting my lip. I had no idea what to say to this story. My anger seemed to be gone. I was still mad at her, but she seemed so tormented, I felt like she had been punished enough. I still thought she was crazy, but she was no longer that same earthly person who was trapped in a dark place.
The Se’irims crawled closer and their whispering became louder. I stared into Rosey’s eyes and saw the fear as the Se’irims came closer, getting ready to take her with them.
“I know I fully deserve what I am getting,” she said. “But I want to thank you for listening to my story. I needed that. I could never expect forgiveness for what I have done, but at least it will give you some peace and closure, so you can move on with your life.”
“Ah. Shut up,” I said.
Rosey stared at me in surprise.
“I can’t do it. I can’t let you go with them.”
“What are you saying?”
I grabbed Rosey by the arm and as I did a bright light filled the room and caused the Se’irims to withdraw with a hissing sound. “Follow me,” I said and soared toward the light with Rosey clinging to my arm, knowing her life depended on it.
Chapter 29
When I looked back a month later, I found that I had only scattered memories of the last three years at the Academy. It was like it was too much to take in all at once. The adventures I had gone through at this school had been massive. But most of them had been really good. I had grown and learned a lot about this new world and life, and about myself.
For me it wasn’t goodbye just yet, even though the school year was over. I had a summer and some of the fall before my baby would arrive. Our baby, I thought and gazed at Mick who was sitting next to me in the crowd, holding my hand.
The Graduation ceremony took place in the Butterfly Garden decorated with big flower arrangements in many different colors, some of which I had never seen before. Hundreds of spirits had come. Most of them were former students or relatives who knew their loved ones were among the graduates. A large choir of Angels sang beautifully and trumpets sounded. All of my teachers sat up front: Professor Grangé with his head under his arm; Mrs. Higgins with her pointy mouth and nose; the small Mrs. Ohayashi; the Archangel Raphael, my healing teacher; even Mr. Dhamdul who was floating in lotus position a few inches over his chair; and Professor Einstein, who congratulated me just before the ceremony for my big accomplishment of going back eight years in time.
“We will have to do an experiment with that one day,” he said.
“Sure,” I laughed and put both my hands on my stomach. “But first things first.”
When the Angels were done singing, Salathiel gave a big speech that ended with all of us throwing our graduation caps in the air. Then our names were called one by one and we had to get to the stage and receive our file.
Over our heads the butterflies twirled and there seemed to be more than ever. Their wings made the sky look like it was painted in wonderful colors. I sighed and looked at Mick.
“Excited?” he asked.
“Sure. I can’t wait to open my file.”
I turned my head and spotted Rosey in the distance. She was standing next to all of the first-year students. Behind her stood Amanda and John. I had met Rosey a few times in the corridors since I brought her here, but she didn’t remember me. She only knew me as someone she had met on the flying steamboat and who helped her get to the Academy. She had no memory of our past together. Her memory had been wiped when I brought her to Heaven right after dying. No one ever knew what went on in that time when the spirit was brought in to Heaven and then returned to either be put back on earth as I had witnessed it in my first year, or to be put on the boat and brought to the Academy. But parts of a person’s memory were wiped out. Rosey had been allowed to remember John and Amanda and was reunited with them as soon as she arrived. Why? I didn’t know. It wasn’t normally something that was allowed for students, but then again, none of us here had the same terms. I turned and looked at Jackline, who had remembered how she died and that her sister was waiting for her. Why she had so much memory, I didn’t know, but I was certain there was a reason. Abhik knew how he died and that he had been sick, but like me he didn’t remember his parents. After three years at the Academy I realized that everything had been designed that way, to suit every person differently for some reason, and we weren’t meant to understand everything.
“You did a good thing,” Mick whispered and looked in Rosey’s direction.
“I finally did do something right,” I said.
“Are you nervous to open your file and finally know all about your life and death?”
“Actually I’m not. I am excited to see my parents and learn everything about myself, but I already know so much about how I died. I kind of got that out of my system.”
“Well, that is good.”
“The only thing I don’t quite grasp yet is what I was doing in the forest up in the mountains and why I knocked on the door to Rosey’s cabin with a hurt knee. What was I doing there all alone?”
“Well, you will know soon,” Mick said.
I felt like the butterflies had entered my stomach as I heard my name being called and I walked toward the podium to receive my file.
“It has been a pleasure having you here, Meghan,” Salathiel said with a huge smile. Behind him stood Rahmiel and she smiled at me as well.
Then Salathiel bent down and handed me a thick book. “This is every moment, every second of the life you lived on earth. Cherish every moment forever in your heart.”
I nodded feeling really excited to finally get it. “I will,” I said. I went back toward the crowd and found my seat where I sat down with the book on my lap. I looked up at Mick.
“Aren’t you going to open it?” He asked.
I sighed deeply. “Maybe I should wait till I’m alone.”
“Sure, that sounds better.”
A few hours later I found an empty chamber in the castle with my book in my hand. I sat down in an empty chair and opened the book. Immediately pictures from my life jumped out of the book and into my mind and started flickering. In a few minutes I saw my whole life pass before my eyes. I saw my parents and suddenly remembered their faces and the love in their eyes. I started crying because I just now realized how much I had missed them, how much I loved them. I
saw myself learning how to ride a bike with my dad running after me. I saw myself on my first day of school and my best friends when we got in trouble. Everything about my life on earth came back to me at once. Everything I had ever seen, every smell, every skinned knee, every summer on the beach, every emotion I had felt, every tear I had cried and every laughter I had laughed. It was all there.
But still something seemed to be wrong. Several areas in the book were just black. Like something was missing. Like pictures were missing. And as I reached toward the end of my life it suddenly went completely black. I looked in the book and realized that something was really wrong. I ran down to the kitchen and found Mick. He turned and looked at me as I entered.
“What is wrong?
I put the book on the table in front of him and opened it to the last couple of pages, so he could see it with his own eyes.
“The whole last year of my life is missing. Every page and picture is gone. And even some of my memories from my childhood are all black. It is like someone removed them from my file.”
Mick stared at me and then at the book. Then he reached out and pulled me close. He held me in his arms while he spoke:
“I am so sorry, my love. We will find them. I will do all I can to find your memories. I promise you.”
THE END
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