Guy Hater

by J. Sterling

  Forgive him? How could I ever forgive him?

  “Please tell me you’re dying to know everything,” Britney asked between the brief lull in messages. “Because I sure am. This is like a soap opera, and I’m completely invested.”

  “This is my life, Britney,” I snapped, and her expression fell. “Sorry. I’m just not enjoying this as much as you are.”

  She gave me a quick one-armed hug. “I’m not enjoying this. I just really want to know the whole story. My curiosity is killing me. Play the next one.”

  Without a word, I saved the last message and played the next.

  “It’s been six days. It should be getting easier by now, right? But it’s not. I can’t get you out of my head. I can’t stop thinking about you. I should have told you about Shelby, but I didn’t know how.” Shelby. My insides clenched as he gave me a name to go with his girlfriend’s face.

  “I know that’s not an excuse. I’m starting to understand that maybe I’ve messed things up so badly that they can’t be fixed. I really am sorry. I know I keep saying it, but there’s no other word. If there was, I’d overuse it too.”

  I found myself laughing a little at that, even though his tone was filled with anything but laughter. Pressing Save, I waited for the next message to play, and frantically looked around for a clock when it said the date and time that this last message had been left.

  “He just left this,” Britney said, checking the time for me on her own phone. “About ten minutes ago.”

  It was one thing listening to the messages knowing that they had been left days ago. But waiting for this last one to start, realizing that he had just left it only ten short minutes earlier, caused my heart to punch against my chest like a defiant beast wanting out of its cage. If Britney had told me that she could see it beating through my clothes, I would have believed her.

  “Claudia.” He sounded so defeated, my pounding heart ached with each beat. “I have no idea how many messages I’ve left you, or how many texts I’ve sent. But since you aren’t responding to me, you’ve left me no choice. I won’t go another day without explaining myself to you. I wanted to do this in person. I wanted to look you in the eyes and tell you everything. But I guess I’m doing it in a voice mail instead.” He huffed out something between an uncomfortable breath and a small laugh before continuing as my chest tightened.

  “I’ve been with Shelby for years. Too many, if you want to know the truth. I haven’t been happy in a really long time, and meeting you only magnified my situation a thousand times over. I’ve wanted to end things for so long, but . . . I’ve been a coward.” A bitter laugh escaped him as his tone changed. It sounded like he was realizing something for the first time as he began speaking again.

  “Yeah, I’ve been scared. That’s the only real excuse I have. I guess the truth of the matter is that I haven’t been strong enough to leave her, even though I know that I should. You see, I made her dad a promise. I promised him I’d always take care of his daughter. And when he died, I didn’t know how to take it back without feeling like it was a betrayal of some sort. I had no idea when I made that promise that I’d eventually stop wanting to be with her, that I’d fall out of love. I sure as hell never knew I’d meet someone like you. I know I’ve let you down. I know you’re probably disappointed in me. Trust me, I feel the same way about myself, so I get it. I know I have a lot of changes I need to make in my life. I know that every day that passes is another day I’ve wasted. And I know that I hate myself for what I’ve done to you. I really am sorry for hurting you. I’m sorry for lying. Maybe someday you’ll forgive me? Maybe one day you’ll give me another chance to make things right. I know I don’t deserve it, but maybe one day you’ll change your mind.”

  When the messages ended, I found myself at a loss for words, trying to process all the things that Frank had said. Never in my life had a man said the things that Frank had just said to me, and part of me was filled with joy at the way he claimed to want me. The rest of me couldn’t imagine the guilt he must have felt after making a promise like that. My heart actually hurt for him and for Shelby both.

  “That wasn’t at all what I was expecting,” Britney said, her mouth still agape like it had been during half of Frank’s last message.

  Swallowing hard, I nodded. “Me either.”

  Britney’s eyes looked suspiciously glassy as she cried out, “I can’t believe he made a promise to her dad, and then her dad died!”

  “I know. Can you even imagine being in a situation like that?” I tried to put myself in Frank’s shoes, and all I could think of was how obligated I would feel. It made me sympathize with him, and feel sorry for his girlfriend.

  Britney turned away and swiped at her face before facing me again, her expression all business. “So, what are you thinking?”

  “Just that the whole thing is really sad, you know? I feel bad for him and for her,” I admitted with a small shrug.

  I didn’t wish unhappiness on anyone, and knowing that two people were in a relationship that wasn’t filled with love made me physically ache. I knew I was projecting my own fears of being in a passionless relationship onto Frank’s situation. It was the last thing I wanted, for myself or for anyone else. And even though I knew that my feelings for Frank clouded my judgment, I still wanted him to be happy, even if it wasn’t with me.

  I hated knowing that he wasn’t.

  “It’s really messed up,” Britney said. “No wonder Ryan said it was complicated.”

  I had almost forgotten all about Ryan chasing me out of the bar that night and the things he had said. He wasn’t lying or trying to cover up for his brother; he was being sincere when he told me that things weren’t black and white. I had been too devastated at the time to listen.

  “What do I do?” I begged her, so conflicted I couldn’t think straight.

  “What do you want to do? Does any of this change things for you? It would for me.”

  “I don’t know. I understand the predicament that Frank’s in, but it also kind of pisses me off. Who settles and stays miserable for years? Why doesn’t he want more for himself? Or if not for him, then for her? It’s not like they’re married and have kids. He should be less selfish, or maybe more selfish. I just don’t know.”

  I hated seeing Frank in a light that was anything but flattering, but right now all I could think about was his ability to settle. And while I understood his feelings of guilt and obligation, I couldn’t wrap my head around the fact that he would choose to stay in a relationship that didn’t bring him joy . . . for years. Or that he would do that to his girlfriend, as if he was doing her some kind of favor by staying for so long. They both deserved better.

  “Jesus, Claudia, he just told you why. The dude’s racked with guilt. He’s a man, and in my experience, they tend to do a lot of stupid things for reasons they think are the right ones. They’re constantly making decisions based on their ego and pride instead of their hearts.”

  “You’re right. I know that, but still.”

  I shook my head, trying to get my thoughts and feelings into order, but they refused. One part of me wanted to run into Frank’s arms and tell him everything would be okay, while the other part warned me to keep my distance until he got his life in order, if he ever did. I refused to be in the middle of this sort of situation. I couldn’t—and wouldn’t—be the reason someone left their longtime partner.

  “Think about how many people stay in their marriages ‘for the kids.’” Britney did air quotes with her fingers. “They think they’re doing their children a favor, but they’re actually doing the opposite. The kids know their parents hate each other, but Mom and Dad think they should win medals for hiding the truth. In the end, all they’ve done is given their kids a really screwed-up example of what love is supposed to look and sound like, and wasted years of their lives being miserable when they could have moved on and been happy.”

  “I’ve never understood why people do that,” I said with a sigh. “Stay together fo
r the kids and stuff. It’s never made sense to me, but then again, I’ve never been married, and I don’t have kids.”

  Britney rolled her eyes. “Well, as a product of two parents who could barely stand to be in the same room together but thought they hid it well, trust me when I tell you that it doesn’t work. I can’t tell you how many times my brother and I wished they would just get divorced already. Growing up in a house like that was exhausting, and it messed with my head.”

  “I can’t imagine,” I said honestly.

  “No, you can’t. But then again, I can’t imagine my dad walking out and never looking back. Don’t get me wrong, I wanted my dad to leave a hundred times, but I never wanted him to stay gone. I never wanted to not see him again.”

  The mention of my dad’s abandonment still stung, and I felt myself physically recoil with her comparison. I sat on the couch in silence, thinking about everything and nothing, my mind spinning like a hamster wheel.

  “Will you go see Frank and talk to him face-to-face?” Britney asked, her question bringing the wheel to a screeching halt.

  I met her gaze. “Should I?”

  “After that last voice mail, don’t you want to?” Her tone was almost incredulous, like my considering this was the most asinine idea ever.

  “Yes and no. I’m a little afraid to see him in person.”

  “Why?”

  I let out a quick breath before biting at my lip, hating the ugly truth that I was about to reveal. “Because I know I’ll still want him. What’s between us is more than just attraction or lust. There’s something else there, and I don’t know that I could say no to him if I was looking him in the eye.”

  Britney folded her arms over her chest and narrowed her eyes. “True or false?”

  “True,” I admitted, practically wincing. I wasn’t a homewrecker, and I’d never considered myself a weak woman. If a man was married or had a girlfriend, he was off-limits. No questions asked, end of story.

  But this had been different. I hadn’t known that Frank was unavailable when I started to fall for him. I knew now, yes, but that didn’t stop my heart from wanting him. It didn’t stop my body from reacting to thoughts of his. And it didn’t stop my mind from thinking about him all day long. After hearing his story through his voice mails, I was sympathetic to him and his situation.

  But Frank didn’t belong to me.

  He wasn’t mine.

  He belonged to someone else.

  And the last thing in the world I wanted to consider was that I could be the type of woman who could still want a man who wasn’t single.

  I was afraid that if I saw him, I’d still want him, and that went against everything I believed in, everything I stood for as a person. I’d spent my entire life deploring cheating and those who cheated, so what would that make me if I still wanted Frank when I knew for a fact he wasn’t single? Would that mean I had to hate myself?

  “So you’ll just never see him again? That’s it?” Britney waved a hand in the air. “Good-bye forever, Frank Fisher?”

  “I don’t know, Britney.”

  “Would you be able to do that? Act like you never met him?” She continued to push, like the concept was too insane for her to comprehend.

  “Britney . . .” I breathed out her name in defeat. “I don’t know, okay? I don’t know.”

  And it was the truth. My mind was a mess of jumbled thoughts, ideas, and feelings that I refused to sort out in that moment. I didn’t have all the answers, and trying to figure it out right now was exhausting.

  “What if he broke up with her?” she asked, her tone softer.

  Frank actually breaking it off after all this time seemed like a long shot, a fantasy only a stupid girl would cling to and hope for. Why would he do it now? Because of me? No. I knew better than to think that guys left the security and comfort of their relationships for someone else. My dad might have done it, but he was definitely the exception, not the rule. Most men led women on, made promises they couldn’t keep, and kept up affairs for as long as they could get away with them.

  “I don’t want to think about what-ifs.”

  “Why not?”

  “Because they aren’t real.”

  I offered her a slight smile before pushing up from the couch. I needed the kind of clarity and peace that only a good night’s sleep could provide.

  As I walked down the hallway toward my room, I hoped I would get at least that much.

  Parental Advice

  Frank

  A quick knock sounded on the office door before it flew open.

  “Nick, I told you to leave me the fuck alone,” I growled without looking up from my paperwork.

  “That’s no way to greet your old man,” a familiar deep voice said, and my head shot up.

  “Dad!” I jumped from my chair to give him a hug. It seemed like forever since I’d last seen him.

  He hitched a thumb toward the bar. “Please tell me why I just watched your brother take his shirt off for a herd of screaming women.”

  Was it closing time already?

  “You don’t want to know.” When I rolled my eyes, Dad laughed. “What are you doing here? It’s late. Is everything okay?”

  He waved his hand before settling into the chair in front of my desk. “Everything’s fine. Your mother and I had a work party tonight, and we wanted to stop by on our way home.”

  “Is Mom here?”

  “She’s with Nick. He’s showing her around while your other dumb brother is tending bar with no shirt on. Is that even legal? Doesn’t it violate health codes?”

  I laughed, then moved the conversation away from Ryan and his inability to stay clothed. “Haven’t seen you guys lately.”

  After everything that had gone on between Nick and our father, we had all been trying to spend more time together as a family. We shot for Sundays, but even those get-togethers had become further and further apart the past few months. Dad was extra busy with work, and Mom had various charities she was always coordinating events for. Not to mention the three of us were slammed with the bar.

  But we needed to do better, to try harder. Seeing him now only reinforced that for me. I missed my parents.

  “Work has been killing me, and your mother has taken on more projects than one person can possibly handle. She’s a machine who refuses to say no to people.”

  I smiled, realizing that both my parents were workaholics in their own way. It made me happy to know that it was in my genes, my very DNA, to want to be successful and be willing to work harder than most to make that happen.

  “You look like hell, Frank. Is the bar okay? Do you need money?” Dad leaned forward, resting his elbows on the arms of his chair, looking into my eyes with sincerity.

  I winced slightly, knowing that I must look like absolute crap if he was offering money. The past week had taken its toll on me, and I knew I couldn’t hide the fact that sleep had all but eluded me for days.

  “The bar’s fine, Dad, but thanks.”

  “Girl trouble then?” He settled back into the chair, rubbing his chin.

  “What?”

  “If it’s not business, then it’s love. Is everything all right with Shelby?”

  Narrowing my eyes, I wondered just what the hell my dad could possibly know on the subject. It hadn’t been that long ago that he’d almost forced Nick to marry someone he didn’t even like. There was more to it than that, but my dad had let things go too far and Nick almost paid the price for it.

  “Dad, not to be a dick, but I’m not sure you’re the best person to talk with about my relationship problems,” I admitted honestly.

  He smiled, nodding. “You’re right. I know I’m probably the last person who should be doling out advice on the subject, but I’d still like to know what’s going on, if you’d tell me. Fill your old man in, son. I know you’re not happy. Why?”

  I considered lying to him for all of two seconds before I gave him the CliffNotes version of my relationship with Shelby and my feelings f
or Claudia.

  His expression changed, and I hated the sympathy I saw in his eyes. I hadn’t confessed everything to get him to feel sorry for me. It was the last thing I wanted. I’d been a very active participant in bringing my love life to its current sorry state, so I had no one to blame but myself. This was on me.

  “Don’t look at me like that, Dad.”

  “I’m just processing it all. Letting it sink in.”

  “Well, can you let it sink in without that look in your eye, please?” I sounded like a child, but then again, I was his child.

  Silence hung between us. I knew quite well that my father, a man who had built a multi-million-dollar company from nothing, would think over carefully all I’d just told him before he shared his opinion on it. He processed first, and acted second. I waited, wondering exactly what he would say.

  “I’m going to tell you something that no one else knows, Frank,” he said, and surprised, I sat up straighter in my chair. “After everything that happened with Nicholas, your mother was extremely upset. I’d never seen her so angry before. She had no idea what I’d been up to, what I’d been pushing him to do.”

  That was something I’d wondered about when the shit hit the fan with my youngest brother—how much my mother had known, and whether she’d been involved. I had suspected that she was in the dark, but none of us had worked up the courage to ask. I was starting to see how we Fishers swept things under the rug and moved on when we should have been slicing the issue open and talking about it.

  “She actually kicked me out of the house.”

  “What? When?” That surprised me.

  “It doesn’t matter. But she told me to leave and that I couldn’t come back until she could stomach looking at me. She wasn’t sure when that would be, if ever.”

  I couldn’t hide my shock. “Holy shit, Dad. I had no idea. None of us did.”

  “I know. Now, listen because I’m actually getting to my point. When she did that, your mother, it devastated me. Devastated.” He emphasized the word, conveying the intensity of the emotion behind it before continuing. “The idea of losing her was unimaginable to me. It knocked me straight on my ass, threw me for a loop, and I never saw it coming. I fought like hell to get her back. Apologized, went to counseling on more than one occasion, anything she wanted I would have done because I couldn’t lose her. I couldn’t live the rest of my life without her in it. I didn’t realize how off track I’d gotten until I almost lost everything.”