Donna Joy Usher - Chanel 02 - Goons 'n' Roses

by Donna Joy Usher

  She looked confused for a moment before saying, ‘But darling. I sent you a tweet to let you know.’

  ‘A tweet?’ I was surprised my voice hadn’t shattered the chandelier. ‘A fucking tweet?’

  ‘We thought it was the only safe way to communicate with you.’

  I shook my head. ‘Our phones were stolen and we’ve been a bit busy to go to an internet café to peruse Twitter.’

  ‘But… you answered. You told me to be here tonight.’

  There was a long pause and then Martine and I both said, ‘Oh fuck.’

  We knew who had my phone.

  This was the real trap.

  Hillary let out a low chuckle and then Boris came through the door from the back. He had Big H with him, a gun shoved into his side. The other two goons were right behind. They were all wearing neck braces.

  They pointed their weapons at Mum and Trent, and Boris said, ‘Drop ‘em.’

  ‘What’s with all the neck braces?’ Trent asked, placing his gun on the ground and his hands in the air.

  ‘I told you,’ I said, ‘we’ve been busy.’

  Big H came over to stand with us. ‘What are you doing here?’ I asked.

  He pulled a face and said, ‘I tried to tell you about Hillary but you wouldn’t listen. So I came here tonight to try to warn you.’

  ‘I thought you were going to tell me I was related to Barney,’ I said.

  ‘That would be distressing.’

  Barney prodded Big H in the back with the barrel of his gun. ‘Shut up wise guy.’ He turned to look at me and laughed. ‘And you… too stupid to realise we could see you on the hallway security camera, creeping around out the back.’

  ‘So you knew I was in the room when you made the phone call?’

  ‘What phone call?’

  ‘It was a fake?’ I wondered if they also knew I had copied the list of girl’s names. It didn’t sound like the camera’s view extended into the office.

  Big H turned to Mum. ‘Lookin’ good Tess.’

  ‘I thought you’d gotten out of this lark.’

  ‘What can I say,’ he spread his hands. ‘I missed the excitement.’

  ‘This is Trent. Trent this is Big H.’ She gestured between the two men.

  ‘The Mob boss,’ Trent said, nodding his head.

  ‘Ex-Mob boss.’

  ‘What do you think this is?’ Hillary asked. ‘A fucking re-union?’

  ‘That’s exactly what it is,’ Mum said. ‘I mean, I haven’t seen you since…’

  There was a strained silence.

  ‘Go on,’ Hillary said angrily, ‘spit it out. You know you want to.’

  ‘Is that what this is all about?’ Mum asked.

  ‘They dug up the ornate garden a few months back.’

  Mum’s mouth formed a soundless ‘O’. She looked at Hillary for a few more moments and then said, ‘You don’t remember much about that night do you?’ She laughed, air snorting out her nose as she shook her head. ‘If you did, you would know there was no way I would testify.’

  ‘Maybe, maybe not,’ Hillary said.

  ‘All of this – the competition – was a set-up to get me here? Well, I’m here. Let’s talk.’

  ‘Unfortunately your daughter stuck her pretty little nose in and now it’s about more than that.’

  Mum and Trent turned to look at me and I said, ‘I have no idea what she’s talking about.’ If they didn’t know I had the list I wasn’t going to let them know how much I knew.

  Hillary shook her head and turned to the Russians. ‘What are we going to do with them?’

  ‘Ve’ll take them to ours. No-one vill hear them there.’

  I could feel panic starting to churn in my stomach at the thought of going back into that dungeon. I knew that if we went in there, we wouldn’t be coming back out.

  ‘Barney,’ Hillary snapped, ‘sort out Mickey and Riley. We’ll need to take two cars.’

  And just like that I realised who The Rose was. It wasn’t Barney at all. It was sweet Aunt Hillary.

  ***

  I thought it was game over for our team, as they rounded us up. And then Boo Boo pulled open the door onto the stage. He was wearing blue-spotted pants and holding the uzi. It was the first time I’d seen him in clothes. Crafty was right behind him, wearing his wig and carrying the little gun.

  ‘Put ya hands up,’ Crafty barked. I got the feeling, by the fierce grin on his face, that he’d always wanted to say that.

  The Russians started to put their hands in the air, but Riley barked out a laugh. ‘It’s a fake,’ he said. He put his hand out to Boo Boo. ‘Hand it over monkey.’

  ‘Uhoh. Ya shouldna said that,’ Crafty said. ‘He hates being called a monkey.’

  Boo Boo aimed the muzzle of the barrel towards the empty seating and pulled the trigger. Bullets sprayed out, thudding into the soft leather upholstery of the chairs, and everyone ducked.

  ‘Run,’ I screamed, taking advantage of the temporary confusion, and I took off towards the back door.

  I could hear Crafty’s shoes farting as he raced ahead of me. Boo Boo finished firing, slung the gun over his shoulder and followed me. I heard a gun bark and ducked, wincing as I waited for the impact of the bullet with my flesh. I checked under my arm for Boo Boo but he was still ambling behind, a cheeky grin on his face.

  It wasn’t till I got to the back street that I realised no one else had made it out. Apart from the clown and the orangutan I was all alone.

  ‘Shit,’ I said, turning back towards the club.

  ‘Are ya crazy?’ Crafty yelled, grabbing me by the arm. ‘We’re out of ammunition.’

  ‘That was it?’

  ‘I told him to put it on manual, but he loves the automatic firing. What can ya do?’

  ‘He didn’t even shoot at them.’

  ‘He hates blood. It makes him faint.’

  I wanted to go back, but I knew the only thing I’d achieve if I did was my certain death.

  ‘Live to fight another day,’ Crafty said as he dragged me towards his little car. ‘Boo Boo, you’re in the back.’

  ‘Crap,’ I said, kicking the curb before hopping into the front. He was right. I felt like a traitor, but he was right. I couldn’t do them any good by being recaptured. I probably couldn’t do them any good alone either, but at least I could try.

  Crafty jammed his foot onto the accelerator and we started to trundle up the street away from The Big Blue. Tears filled my eyes as I looked over my shoulder.

  And then Crafty’s latest silent-but-deadly reached me. I gasped and covered my nose with my hands.

  ‘That was scary,’ he said, shrugging his shoulders.

  I followed Boo Boo’s example and rolled down my window, poking my face out into the night air. It had the added benefit of them not being able to see the tears trickling down my cheeks. I don’t think Boo Boo was fooled though. A soft, hairy hand reached out to stroke the back of my head.

  After a couple of minutes I wiped my face and turned my attention to the problem at hand. I knew the only way I was going to get them out alive was with help. I had to be smart, I had to be brave, I had to be ruthless.

  I turned to Crafty and said, ‘So, about these friends of yours.’

  11

  Bring It On

  Crafty pulled over on the side of the road and while I got out to momentarily escape the fog in the car, he made a few hurried phone calls. Boo Boo climbed out and wandered over to me, taking my hand in his big, soft one and staring silently into the night.

  I was trying to maintain my new ruthless personality, but it was a bit hard to keep it up with the silent sympathy from the ape oozing over me. I wondered how much of what was going on he understood. Did he know I was going to put his and Crafty’s lives at risk for the sake of my family?

  ‘Chanel,’ Crafty barked from the car, ‘let’s lock and load.’

  I climbed back in the front. ‘You know you have to have ammunition to do that don’t you?’

/>   He looked slightly abashed before saying, ‘Yeah, just always wanted to say it.’

  This man was putting his life on the line for me. I didn’t want him to, but I was going to let him. The least I could do was humour him. ‘Okay,’ I said, ‘let’s lock and load.’

  He pulled back out onto the road and headed towards the Stratosphere.

  ‘Banjo, Melvin, Ruffles, Sammy and The Rock are in.’

  ‘The Rock?’

  ‘World’s strongest man.’

  ‘That could be handy.’ I stared out the window for a minute while I thought about what we were going to do. ‘Do they know who we’re going up against? I mean the full extent of it?’ We were planning on raiding a stronghold populated by both the Italian and Russian Mafia. What were we thinking?

  Crafty glanced sideways at me. ‘Yeah I told them.’

  ‘Did you tell them they could wind up dead?’ I drew the line at accepting help from people who didn’t know what they were getting into.

  ‘I rang those five for a reason. We all have personal vendettas against the Mafia.’

  ‘What happened?’

  He let out a big sigh before saying, ‘The six of us owned a club. It was a small one, but we made good money. The Mafia decided they wanted it. We refused and they burned it to the ground.’ He paused for a moment. ‘Ruffles’ pet monkey was in there.’

  I felt ill thinking about the poor monkey, alone in the club as the smoke spread and the flickering flames got closer. If that had happened to Cocoa I would want blood too.

  It didn’t take long to reach the Stratosphere. Crafty pulled into the hotel car park and stopped the engine.

  ‘That’s it there,’ I said, pointing at the building across the road. Two black cars were parked out the front.

  Within a few minutes another car turned into the car park and stopped next to us. Two clowns hopped out. They opened the trunk of their car and pulled out a unicycle and a pair of stilts.

  ‘This is Ruffles and Banjo,’ Crafty told me.

  Banjo strapped his feet into the stilts and stood up, reaching back into the boot of the car for a baseball bat. He swung the bat from side to side like a player warming up.

  Ruffles jumped onto the unicycle and rode over to us, balancing with ease on the single tyre. ‘Pleased to meet you,’ he said, bobbing his head at me.

  A black car with flames painted down its bonnet raced across the car park and screeched to a halt. A tall, thin man in a flowing, black coat glided out of the driver’s seat. He reached back in and pulled out a thin cane and a top hat. He planted the hat on his head and then strode towards us.

  ‘Fair lady,’ he said, swooping into an elegant bow, ‘we thank you for the chance to seek revenge for past wrongs.’ He swept the hat off his head, plunged his hand into the opening, pulled out a bunch of colourful flowers and offered them to me. I stared at the flowers in horror; the last think I needed now was to start sneezing.

  ‘What’s she going to do with them?’ Crafty said, knocking the man’s hand away. ‘She’s going into battle.’

  ‘Sorry,’ Crafty said to me, ‘Melvin gets a bit carried away.’

  I looked at Melvin and said, ’You’re not a clown?’

  Seemingly unoffended, Melvin shoved the flowers back into the hat. ‘Melvin the Marvellous at your disposal.’ He held his cape out to the side and executed another graceful bow. When he stood back up he said, ‘I’m a magician.’

  A tiny car turned off the road and puttered towards us; one side of the undercarriage almost grazing the road. It stopped about twenty metres from us and the front passenger door flew open, causing the metal of the framework to creak.

  The largest man I had ever seen sat in the passenger side. His head, tiny in comparison to the girth of his shoulders, popped out first. It was followed by one shoulder and then the other and then he appeared to become stuck.

  The driver’s side door opened and a clown I was guessing was Sammy jumped out and ran around to the other side. ‘Get out you big lump,’ he yelled.

  The six of us hurried over to the small car where The Rock was struggling to get free. He got first one leg and then the other out, but his body was still wedged in the door frame.

  ‘Don’t you hurt my car,’ Sammy yelled.

  The Rock planted his feet firmly on the ground and stood up, the car hanging off his back like a tortoise’s shell.

  ‘Holy shit,’ I said.

  ‘Put it back down, back down,’ Sammy shrieked. He reached into a voluminous pocket in the side of his clown outfit and pulled out a wooden baton. ‘So help me I’ll beat some sense into you.’ Sammy swung the baton and smacked The Rock on his head. It sounded like a coconut being opened.

  ‘What the…’ I said, heading for Sammy.

  Crafty grabbed my arm and shook his head. ‘He may be the World’s Strongest Man, but there’s not much in that head to damage,’ he said. ‘Just watch.’

  ‘Hurt,’ The Rock said slowly. He turned away from Sammy, the body of the car swooping towards us. I squealed and dodged out of the way of the bumper bar.

  Sammy darted in again, this time clocking The Rock on his knee.

  ‘Owww,’ the huge man cried.

  Sammy made one last pass, his baton a flurry of activity as it flicked and whipped and thwacked.

  ‘Ouchy,’ The Rock bellowed. He roared and pushed both his arms out through the door, reaching out to grab Sammy. His shoulders popped out of the doorframe and the car crashed to the ground, balancing precariously on two tyres before finally toppling down onto all four.

  ‘Works every time,’ Sammy said, shoving the baton back into his pocket.

  ‘You have to do that every time he gets out of the car?’ I asked.

  Sammy nodded. ‘It makes finding parking spots difficult but hey,’ he shrugged his shoulders, ‘what are ya gunna do?’ He walked over to The Rock and gave him a hug.

  ‘Sammy love Rocky?’ The Rock asked.

  ‘Of course. Where would I be without my little bro?’ Sammy said, knuckle-rubbing Rocky’s head.

  The wonder of watching the World’s Strongest Man in action had momentarily wiped our reason for being there out of my mind. Now it came flooding back.

  ‘All right,’ I said, ‘we need to get moving.’

  ‘What’s the plan?’ Crafty asked.

  ‘I’m working on the theory that they won’t think I’m stupid enough to come back alone. So I’m going to go in the back door and see if I can sneak everybody out.’

  ‘How will you find them?’ Sammy asked. He had the baton back out and was smacking it into the palm of his left hand. He looked keen for action.

  ‘I know where they’ll hold them.’

  ‘What do you want us to do?’ Ruffles asked. He was sitting on his unicycle, effortlessly rocking forwards and backwards.

  ‘Hopefully nothing, but if you hear anything that indicates they’ve caught me, it’s up to you to save the day.’ As my plans went, this one was pretty complex.

  ‘Fair lady, we wait with baited breath and hopeful hearts that you will need us to come to your rescue,’ Melvin said.

  I smiled at him, but seeing as how my needing to be rescued meant my being caught first, I wasn’t so keen on him getting his wish.

  ‘Right let’s go,’ Crafty said. He took Boo Boo by the hand and started walking across the car park towards the building on the other side of the road.

  Sammy was right behind and Rocky lumbered along beside him. Banjo followed, surprisingly nimble on his stilts, and Ruffles rode circles around the group.

  ‘After you, fair lady,’ Melvin said, sweeping an arm after them.

  Geez Louise, what had I gotten these men into?

  I sent up a prayer that we would all live through the night and then I hurried to catch up to my unlikely band of heroes.

  ***

  The back door was locked. I couldn’t believe it. I turned the handle more viciously, willing it to open.

  ‘Move over,’ Crafty whisp
ered, elbowing me out of the way. He pulled a small bag out of his pocket and selected a long thin tool. Then he pushed the tool into the lock and wiggled it around for a few moments before there was an audible click. He reached out and twisted the handle. This time the door opened.

  ‘Where did you learn that?’ I whispered.

  ‘Wasn’t always a clown.’ He winked at me before backing out of my way.

  ‘You stay here,’ I clarified, ‘unless you hear me screaming.’

  I took a deep breath and then stepped through the back door of the building into a dimly lit kitchen. Dirty plates and cups sat on a table. I moved slowly through the kitchen to the far door which opened into a hallway. The ambient light coming through the kitchen window only reached part of the way down the hallway. I crept slowly, hoping my eyes would adjust to the dark, but for that to happen there needed to be some light to adjust to, and after the first five metres there was none.

  I stopped and took a deep breath, trying to calm my heart which felt like it was going to fly out of my chest.

  ‘Next time I go on vacation,’ I thought, ‘I’m going to choose a nice, boring destination, where the most difficult thing I have to do is decide which cocktail I want next.’

  I held onto the thought that there would be a next vacation as I walked into the darkness of the hallway. Running a hand along one wall, I placed my feet slowly, carefully in front of each other, making sure each foot was secure before placing my weight on it.

  I was praying that this corridor was the one that opened up onto the area where the trap door was, because I didn’t want to use my torch until I was in the dungeon with the trap door hiding the light.

  But it was so dark. And no matter how much I tried, I couldn’t stop my imagination. A floor board creaked underneath my foot and I froze, hot and cold ice slithering over my skin. The prickles had barely subsided when I heard a rustling sound coming from one of the rooms opening off the hall. What if there were someone in there? What if even now they crept towards me…

  I tried to stop my mind, but it was racing with my heart, terror nipping at their heels.