by Erin Mallon
Beat.
You know what? Let’s skip ahead to the dialogue. Everybody likes dialogue better, yeah? And uh - It seems we have a professional in the room. (quick beat) So. Mr. Barnswallow? Would you be so kind as to join me?
Beat.
Atticus: It’d be my pleasure.
Georgia: (in a sly, stage whisper)
Have Jennifer do the female parts.
Cameron: (stage whisper)
What?
Georgia: (stage whisper)
Have. Jennifer. Do. The female parts. Atticus’ female voices?
Cameron: Ok uh. Jennifer is it?
Jennifer: Yeah?
Cameron: Would you do us the honor?
Jennifer: I’d be happy to.
Atticus and Jennifer take hold of the paper.
Cameron rejoins Vera at their table and puts his arm around her.
Cameron: Take it away.
Atticus: (sexy robot voice)
“It is you. It has always been you. I have missed you, Verapadroid. ”
Jennifer: (sexy robot voice)
“Are cyborgs capable of missing, Cameronator?”
Atticus: “I did not think so, Verapadroid. I did not think so. That is, until you exited my atmosphere. Then the missing filled every crevice of my mechanical lungs and my hardwired heart. Suddenly the air I didn’t even realize I had been breathing got stripped away, and the whole galaxy felt thin. Dim. But with you in my orbit once more, my tin torso is teeming again, the stars are sparkling again and my male motorized joystick is fully engorged and ready to service your female apparatus at your command.”
Jennifer: “This is music to my auditory earholes, Cameronator.”
Atticus: “One more transference. If ever you perceive my antennae are no longer tuned to the wonder that is you, well… that is a severe system failure on my part. Message my motherboard immediately and I will remedy without delay. Because you, Verapadroid… You are the totality of my being.”
Jennifer: “Cease this transference. Or you will make my optical orbs spring forth liquids from within.”
Atticus: “Transference ceased.”
Jennifer: “Male motorized joystick engage.”
Atticus: “Cybernetic copulation commence?”
Jennifer: “Cybernetic copulation commence.”
Neil’s bongo beats swell.
The room erupts in finger snaps.
Vera and Cameron kiss.
End of Play
Note from the Author
Thank you for reading These Walls Can Talk! I hope it brought you as much joy reading it as I felt while writing it. I wanted to take a moment to thank some of the amazing people who have helped the play find its legs. First and foremost, basically everyone in the audiobook industry: the authors who have trusted me to narrate their words, the producers who have hired me, the engineers who have guided me, the fellow narrators who take the storytelling ride alongside me, and the amazing community of romance listeners – especially the passionate crew at Aural Fixation - who allow me to whisper love stories into their ears every day. Sending a special shout out to the incredible Amy Daws for sharing her joyful gifts with the world. Check out her books, people! You’ll be glad you did. Thanks to all of you for letting me poke a little fun at us for this play.
To the original Brooklyn Generator team who jumped in to explore the script in front of a live New York City theater audience when I had only typed the words “The End” the night before… thank you for your ballsy and beautiful performances. Andi Arndt, Tina Chilip, Mike Houston, Clare Mottola, Charlie Pollock, Gerardo Rodriguez, Alley Scott and Marguerite Stimpson, you are all awesome!
If you are an audiobook fan – and who isn’t? – you gotta hear the multi-cast audiobook production of These Walls Can Talk available on Audible.com! It features a brilliant cast of Romance Audio’s top narrators including Andi Arndt, Joe Arden, Shane East, Tanya Eby, Teddy Hamilton and Emma Wilder. I can’t thank these actors enough for the skill and humor they brought to this production. They truly knocked me out and delighted the hell out of me.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Erin Mallon is a playwright, author, and narrator of nearly 500 audiobooks with a special affinity for the romance genre. Her debut romantic comedy novel Flirtasaurus releases in July 2020. Erin’s plays have been presented with Urban Stages, New Georges, Hudson Valley Shakespeare Festival, The Collective, Cherry Picking, Great Plains Theater Conference, Samuel French #OOB Short Play Festival, Project Y Theater, Dreamcatcher Rep, Mile Square Theatre and more. Erin’s play Branched (dir. Robert Ross Parker) premiered with InViolet Theater at HERE Arts Center in NYC and is in print with Original Works Publishing. Her play, The Net Will Appear is an Honorable Mention on the 2016 Kilroys List and had its Off-Broadway Premiere at 59E59 Theaters in NYC starring the great Richard Masur. Other full-length plays include: Good Riddance, Hand Me Down, Stunning Displays of Prowess, Skin Hungry, The Other White Meat and Come Find Me. Along with writer Bixby Elliot, Erin is the founder and co-curator of The Brooklyn Generator (a playwriting engine that creates “plays in less-than-30-days”) and one half of The Theater Husband / Theater Wife Project. She was proud to be one of The Farm Theater’s commissioned playwrights for their ‘18/’19 College Collaboration Project, where she wrote Soft Animals, a play about four medical misfits at a self-healing workshop. One of her current plays in development is Pale Blue Dot(s), an otherworldly piece about an all-female astronaut team (with special appearances by Elon Musk and David Bowie). Erin lives in a little yellow house on the outskirts of NYC with her husband and Three J’s.
For the latest on new releases visit me at www.erinmallon.com
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