Encourage individuality
When your child comes up with her own way of doing something or expresses a unique perspective or style, convey your admiration. Ask your children for their opinions and encourage them to form their own views, which you can appreciate even if they differ markedly from your own. As psychologist Lawrence Balter has suggested, “It is essential for children to learn that they need not submerge their own identities in order to get along with others. Show them that it is possible to maintain good relations with friends while not necessarily agreeing with all of their thoughts or actions. A child can learn to formulate thoughts and expressions such as, ‘I like your way too, but I think I’m going to do it this way.’ ” Rather than compare your child to others, enjoy him the way he is.
Have faith in your child
If there is anyone in the world whom a child needs to believe in him, it’s a parent. Trust that your child wants the best for himself just as much as you do. It sounds glib to say, “Love your child unconditionally.” That should be a given. But unconditional love also involves being an effective communicator, able to listen to your child and provide guidance without conveying messages that you might love him less for any reason, such as if he isn’t—or doesn’t dress—cool, is overweight, doesn’t play sports, and so on.
Your home should be a safe place where children know they can be themselves without worrying about their image. Don’t badger them about what’s “normal.” Normality has no inherent value. You should be a source of comfort, support, and confidence. Your children should know that you will never be disappointed in them for any reason related to their social standing.
Consider switching schools
If students are tormenting your child, switching schools is a potential solution (if your child is interested). Remember, a deviant in one population won’t necessarily be a deviant in another. Furthermore, several cities have schools that specifically cater to marginalized students. One alum of what she fondly called Outcast High said that she was so “crippled socially” at her first school that her academics suffered. If she hadn’t switched schools, she said, she never would have made it to college.
Lobby for changes in schools
School personnel are more likely to make the changes I suggest in the following section if committed groups of parents request them and offer to help. Volunteer to work with the school staff to bring these changes about by outlining logistics, sponsoring fund-raisers, or whatever else may be necessary to relieve busy teachers and administrators of some of the responsibility for implementing these ideas.
WHAT SCHOOLS CAN DO
The most important thing a school can do is not attempt to “normalize” outcasts—they are not the students in the wrong—but rather to focus on developing an atmosphere of acceptance and tolerance among all students. Students considered cafeteria fringe should be an essential part of the tapestry that defines every school. Toward that end:
Respect the significance of the cafeteria
Lunch period is one of the, if not the, most important social times of the day; the cafeteria is a place in which students both socialize with friends and conduct psychologically harmful behavior. During a group discussion at a western Missouri middle school, students told me that limited seating in their lunchroom forces cliques into a frenzied competition. Each table is attached to eight seats, rendering it impossible for a ninth student to pull up a chair or for a small group of three to converse privately. At schools with this configuration, students have to make a mad dash en masse to the cafeteria to snatch a place at the table for themselves and their friends. The Missouri students suggested that cafeterias could offer a variety of seating configurations so that groups of all sizes could fit in and feel comfortable. In some lunchroom arrangements, setting out a handful of loose chairs for students to pull up to tables might encourage more mingling as well as varied opportunities for the cafeteria fringe.
In the same vein, a New Mexico freshman told me about a system that she believes works well at her school. On several days, her two-thousand-student school assigns lunch seating to encourage “social development.” When I asked her how that went over with students, she said, “Some people want to sit with friends every day, and people don’t usually become super-close friends or anything through assigned seating, but at least it gets you familiar with some people you’d usually never meet otherwise and gives you some allies, in a weird way.”
Early on in school, teachers direct students to cafeteria seating arrangements. But just when students begin to turn cliquish, schools tell them that they are old enough to choose where to sit. This timing often coincides with the beginnings of outcast designations. Would it be so horrible if students were to mix up their cafeteria tables occasionally, or might they learn something interesting about a classmate? This option is worth implementing at least once a month. Annually, Teaching Tolerance, an organization that provides free educational materials to educators, leads a nationwide movement called “Mix It Up at Lunch Day,” which challenges students to sit with someone new. This concept emphasizes breaking down barriers and looking beyond stereotypes.
Encourage teachers to offer safe havens
What would Blue have done without Ms. Collins’ welcoming classroom? Teachers who open their rooms (or other areas) to students who don’t want to deal with the pressures of the cafeteria should be rewarded for going beyond the call of duty. This small kindness can be enormously comforting to a student.
These safe spaces aren’t limited to lunches. Several teachers told me how they watched students find confidence in afterschool clubs. A Texas teacher who coaches her school’s Academic Decathlon team told me that one of her team members is a gangsta (at that school a term for students who “are generally defiant and consistently make poor choices; they gain credibility by wreaking havoc”). The gangsta, she said, “is also a math nerd. His safe place to be himself is in Academic Decathlon. I have seen him go foul in the hallway to another teacher and couldn’t believe it was my José. It was like watching a beloved pet become rabid. He is the sweetest, kindest, and most considerate kid in my class.” Approach all students with the attitude that they, too, will show their best side once they find a comfortable space in which to express themselves.
Create superordinate goals
Before a football game between the University of Delaware and Westchester State University, researchers conducted a field experiment outside the stadium. Students wearing either Delaware or Westchester hats approached white adults who were obviously affiliated with one of the two schools and asked to interview them about their food preferences. When black students wearing a hat from the opposing school made the inquiry, 38 percent of adults agreed to the interview. When the students wore a hat from the same school, however, 60 percent of adults agreed to help them.
What happened here? By manipulating the adults to believe that they shared the same university affiliation as some of the students, researchers created a cohort in which in-group bias outweighed racial differences. Similarly, the Robbers Cave boys were able to reconcile because Sherif shifted their focus to joint goals that transcended group boundaries. School personnel can also use this strategy by grouping students from different backgrounds on teams, group projects, community-service events, interschool competitions, and other collaborative endeavors. Higher levels of generality can minimize lower-level differences. As one maxim in psychology goes, “The best way to achieve peace on Earth is [to have] an invasion from Mars.”
Monitor for both kinds of aggression
Schools need to be just as vigilant about preventing and curbing alternative aggressions as they are about physical aggression. This charge does not lie on teachers’ shoulders alone. It is up to administrators to enforce strict policies against these behaviors in class, on school grounds (including the cafeteria), and at school-sponsored events, and to enforce them fairly. In between classes, school personnel, perhaps assisted by parents, can patrol the hallways and comm
on areas to watch for instances of aggression. Adult supervision will not eliminate alternative aggressions entirely, but it may cause some students to think twice before being cruel. If a teacher had been stationed in the populars’ hallway in Whitney’s school, the prep boys might not have heckled so many non-preps.
Employ social norms strategies
A proven method to reduce the drinking divide among students is to use a survey-based program that shows students that they overestimate both the amount and the frequency with which their classmates drink. These social norms programs can significantly reduce alcohol, drug, and cigarette use, as well as drunk driving.
Programs utilizing social norms can be much more effective than programs using scare tactics. Social psychologist Robert Cialdini, who has conducted many social norms studies, explained the distinction: “Informational campaigns stress that alcohol and drug use is intolerably high, that adolescent suicide rates are alarming, and that rampant polluters are spoiling the environment. Although these claims may be both true and well-intentioned, the campaigns’ creators have missed something critically important: Within the statement ‘Look at all the people who are doing this undesirable thing’ lurks the powerful and undercutting normative message ‘Look at all the people who are doing it.’ It is conceivable, then, that in trying to alert the public to the widespread nature of a problem, public service communicators can make it worse.”
Treat all groups equally
Schools must examine the myriad ways in which teachers and administrators, traditions, and policies help to establish a social hierarchy, thus delineating which students will dominate and which will be abased for their differences.
Look carefully at the recognition and support offered to certain groups of students, and then formulate ways to provide equivalent recognition and support to all groups. Pep rallies should promote not just sports teams but also academic, debate, and mock trial teams. If a no-homework night is offered for one team’s championship match to encourage students to attend and cheer, the policy should be extended to all teams’ championship matches—athletic, academic, or otherwise. If school or class competitions generally cater to certain groups, restructure the events so that all students have the opportunity to represent their class or interests. Trophies for the math and chess teams should be displayed with as much fanfare as those of the football and basketball teams. The order of clubs, teams, or organizations presented at rallies, activities showcases, and banquets should be random rather than status-based.
At St. Edmund School, home of the Nerd Herd, the robotics club’s success has led to a refreshing new atmosphere. Not only have the students’ attitudes changed toward science, but also the school devotes more attention to promoting the subject, celebrating even small scientific achievements and considering a robotics and engineering curriculum. The Nerd Herd is no longer uncool. Its symposiums draw dozens of students. FIRST LEGO League, said St. Edmund coach Christine Zaremba, “has done a great deal toward breaking down stereotypes by creating such a pumped-up, sporting-event, rock star–type atmosphere for what’s essentially a glorified version of the math team. When we get students to come visit the competitions, I’ve never seen a kid leave a tournament without saying, ‘I want to be a nerd!’ ” Students no longer make fun of the Nerd Herd, who proudly announce, “We’re the kings of the nerds.”
Schools that put traditionally “nerdy” achievements on par with, say, sports victories, encourage a better attitude among staff and students toward those who participate in those activities. “We’re teaching our students that being smart and proud of it can bring you the same accolades and recognition that other ‘traditional’ activities can. That’s a big motivator for younger kids, that they can be ‘famous’ just for being intelligent and working hard,” Zaremba said. In other schools, “the stereotypes of the smart kids being losers still persists, and they’re constantly being bombarded with the ‘ideals’ of beauty and talent. Schools that celebrate activities like robotics have a different attitude. We ignore those stereotypes and say, ‘Hey, being you is enough, and we’re proud of you.’ ”
Make credit requirements equitable
Examine the ways that students can fulfill credit requirements for graduation. If participation on a school sports team counts as a gym credit, then participation on an academic team or in a drama production also should fulfill a requirement. Will the band geek or theater tech feel that his schedule is just as individualized to him as the jock’s schedule is to her?
Encourage upperclassmen to support new students
Several students told me that they would have been lost if not for the nurturing and attention of an older student with similar interests. Rather than encourage perceived popular upperclassmen to turn underclassmen into fawning wannabes, schools can create mentoring opportunities in which older students support younger ones’ diverse interests and quirks. Senior nerds, for example, can steer certain freshmen toward welcoming groups and entertaining activities. In this manner, younger students can gain comfort and confidence in the interests they already have, rather than in the interests that other people want or expect them to have. Once they feel secure in the new environment, they can expand their horizons.
Encourage unexpected introductions
Joy found a close friend in Cleo after a teacher paired them together. She would not have known that Mia had been a bullying victim had the vice principal not voiced the connection. A shy senior told me a similar story. “When I moved to Dallas, my science teacher gave me my first friend. The first day in her class, she asked a student to let me sit with him at lunch. He was and still is a really nice kid, and having him as a friend saved me from the inevitable exclusion I would have felt or imposed on myself otherwise,” he said.
Students may be more likely to tolerate others’ differences if someone has already unlocked the gate that they are convinced divides them. Teachers can help by partnering unlikely pairs in class. “I’m just as guilty as everyone else of judging people by their appearance. Though once I get to know these people, I completely change my mind,” said a New York nerd. “We have a program for very artsy people, and I won’t lie, I used to think they were all weird and crazy. Then I became friends with them and realized they are just a different type of people and that didn’t mean they were weird; they were just different. I was walking home from school with my friend and we saw this girl with a lot of piercings and her hair dyed funky colors and my friend said, ‘Isn’t that the freak weirdo girl that goes to our school?’ Thing is, I had met this girl in gym class and I couldn’t help but answer, ‘Yeah, but she’s not weird; she’s actually really nice.’ ”
Facilitate connections rather than imposing friendships
At the same time, refrain from shoving students into friendships. Some students are just fine on their own, and others will balk if they think adults don’t trust them to manage their own social life. “Sometimes adults get too focused on everyone being friends, and they forget that they probably can’t even achieve this with their own coworkers,” said a Pennsylvania sophomore.
Offer teachers/advisors of marginalized students the chance to be visible
A special education teacher in Tennessee told me, “I’ve made efforts to be more visible around school. Three-quarters of the special education teachers served as wrestling and cheerleading coaches. It’s good to work with students in regular education classes because it means that these students will know me, come to my room, and interact with the students I teach. In a sense, it makes my kids feel cooler because they know some student athletes. Plus it helps the regular education kids see you as a true teacher rather than a ‘special’ teacher.” Her suggestion could also apply to art and music teachers, academic and robotics club advisors, etc. Afford these teachers the opportunity to emcee a pep rally or host another high-visibility event.
Rock the vote
Elections for student government and class officers should be held in all classes during the same period
, and ballots should be distributed to every student. At Whitney’s school, not all students were encouraged to vote, which partly explained why the same set of students—who neither represented nor cared about the cafeteria fringe—won every year.
In elementary schools, a committee of teachers and counselors could select student officers, with an eye toward choosing shy or otherwise sidelined students who could benefit from the self-esteem and leadership skills associated with representing their class.
Don’t punish individuals by rewarding groups
For school-related events—plays, dances, sports, etc.—don’t offer ticket discounts to couples or groups. Rewarding students who can find a date or friend to join them automatically penalizes students who would go alone. Along the same lines, sponsor social events other than dances.
Reach out
Flor, the Oklahoma junior in chapter 4, credits teachers and counselors with her turnaround from high school dropout to eloquent college applicant. “It may not seem like much, but there were moments when I near lost hope, and even the smallest word meant a lot,” she said. Any adult working at school can reach out to ask students how they’re doing, what they need. Let them know that it’s okay for them to ask you for help, guidance, or a compassionate ear. During his darkest days, Blue told me that he would have felt less disconnected if only a teacher had asked him sincerely, “What’s wrong?”
Fight to promote creativity
The British government funneled millions of dollars into programs that brought creative professionals into schools to talk to students, increase their access to cultural experiences, and endeavor “to help them to discover new things, to express themselves, to develop a passion and to make the most of their talent—whether it is music, art, film, theatre, dance, digital media, exploring libraries, museums, or heritage,” according to the program’s Web site. Why was the United Kingdom able to invest substantial resources in this important venture while the U.S. government has reduced funding for creative learning? No wonder so many students consider creative kids—like Blue, or Suzanne and Allie from chapter 4—to be on the wrong side of conformity. By affirmatively de-prioritizing creative learning and activities, schools send the forceful message that students who value original thought and expression should be marginalized. Brainstorm methods of teaching students that creativity is useful and essential.
The Geeks Shall Inherit the Earth: Popularity, Quirk Theory, and Why Outsiders Thrive After High School Page 42
